Amazon.com
Amazon.com is an e-tailer which sells literally everything (yes, I know what you're thinking, and yes, they do indeed sell that). It was founded by Jeff 'Bonobo' Bezos in 1994.
Amazon is famous for paying peanuts to employ a lot of monkeys. It's a business model that has been adopted by many other companies.
Origins[edit]
The company started out as an online bookstore, but quickly realized it could not make money as such when market research studies revealed that only a few thousand Americans actually read books. Since it's introduction to the world wide web in 1994, it has rapidly expanded by ways of either purchasing or devouring, by possible means satanic ritualism, all other e-stores on the world wide web.
Its devastating path to gobble up cheap competition so that Amazon itself may charge hidden excess amounts of postage and handling fees to all its pitiful customers who see something they wish to purchase for as low as 25 cents, but then find out the evil forces of Amazon.com are laughing upon them when the P&A now displays after you have signed an agreement that you either pay up the fee, or your soul will become the property of the owner of Amazon.com... which is in debate as to if the owner is actually Satan himself. More so or even worse, run by Tom Cruise as the main income support for funding Scientology in Clearwater, Florida. It's been the dust collector for tomes of vanity press based operations since 2000.
The name[edit]
At first, the site was named AmazonWomanOnTheMooon.com, but after the Gentoo hit the mainstream, it was decided to rename the site after statistics showed lots of PFYs started buying books on the "female anatomy." 50% of the rainforest was destroyed in order to print such books. They were also being sued by AmazonWomanOnTheMoonVSQueenKongetc.net for the rights to a name where they already owned copyright. The Amazon vice-president in charge of the books and diaper-wear section of Amazon.com, Mr. T, was pitying the fools of the forests, so he decided to name the name of the website should be named after the rainforest that provides him cheap paper and cheap sysadmins.
Why should you shop at Amazon.com?[edit]
You shouldn't.
Who is helping run Amazon.com?[edit]
Monkeys!!! Monkeys!!! Monkeys!!!
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Being the second most intelligent animals (only amoebas beat them), and only costing 1/100th the price of a human slave, monkeys are the perfect beings for sysadmin. They are trained hard by Amazon.com to give the best of the worst customer aggravation known to man. They are even worse then government run operations, barely, but they do manage to succeed at being the most incompetent staff known to man when it comes to customer service.
Amazon only trains them for the most important tasks: Yell at users in every language but English. Drink coffee. Make users' life a living hell. Ignore requests for assistance. Spend more time xeroxing their butts then doing anything productive.
Although Amazon uses ZUNIX on their MSX servers, the monkeys do not have any UNIX training. As the server complex holds around 1 googol of monkeys (around 1/10th of the Brazilian monkey population), each monkey has a keyboard, where they will type at random. Like any UNIX flavor, 90% of times the monkeys will type a valid command. Now you know why Amazon has so much downtime. While these monkeys type, they have also written a lost Shakespeare play, which Amazon is now considering selling to the masses, just as soon as they've turned it into an audiobook, because who the hell reads any more?
Bezos' incredible patentable innovations[edit]
After ripping off coming up with the mind-boggling advance of one-click-ordering,Amazon's owner Jeff Bezos has patented hundreds of astounding inventions, such as "manual autoerotic stimulation of the Human genitalia" and "moving the eyelids in a vertical manner in respect of the bodily stance coupled with a correspondent and subsequent upward motion", and "A method of distinguishing the Homo sapiens ass from the Homo sapiens elbow."[1]
Employee rights & productivity[edit]
Each employed monkey working for Amazon.com is granted their own electro-shocking pager which obviously means that customer service 24/7 will be at the top of Bezos' list. Bezos himself wears a device should it be necessary to dictate another moronic edict that other people should work longer hours and HOLISTIC DINGLEBERRIES MAKE PROFIT MORE.
Each monkey will be awarded with:
- Efficient ZUNIX Monkey training
- Papercut insurance
- 24/7 phone Gentoo evangelists
- Selections from Creeger's stash of pirated textbooks and plagiarized novels
These are the important formulas that help produce the succession rate of Amazonian monkey slavery trade. Monkeys are happy to work for Amazon.com under US penal code #633 which states "all monkeys may work at Amazon.com and be paid with nothing but bananas and the rights to cut down 17% of the Amazon rainforest each year to support their supply and demand for paperback purchases of the autobiography of Martina Natravalova titled, How I Licked All Those Cunts at Wimbledon.
The excessive amounts of paper wasted each year by the Amazon.com senior staff for photocopying their butts (or Creeger sneaking in there after dividing up her stash of Bath Salt, as in she was caught fingering herself on the copier.) More for the birthday parting shot each executives meeting or how many trees from the namesake of the company they chopped down... Get The Ethereal Gazette: Issue Five on their hands to see the response from the humans.
Customer service[edit]
This is a new highly acclaimed Amazon.com outreach program designed to aid anti-AIDS wars and eliminate world poverty. Bono strangely hasn't supported this movement, but give it enough time and he's bound to, as that douchebag would support the opening of an envelope as long as it has a stamp on it with a picture of a tree. Otherwise, just don't be surprised if your Amazon.com order from two years ago still hasn't arrived.
Kindle[edit]
Just in time for Christmas 2007, Amazon.com began selling its "Kindle" e-book reader for $39,999.99. Free shipping, but you have to pay for heavily multi-uses of the companies logo printed all over the wrapping paper.
Resembling an Apple Newton, but with an older operating system installed, it never needs to be plugged in and is constantly connected to the internet via NSA tracking satellites. It is charged through an elaborate converter system that feeds off nearby apathy and sloth. An impersonator of Presidential Medal of Freedom and Emmy Winner Toni Morrison has been seen ambling about Central Park showing off her Kindle and its 30x40 pixel screen.
DO NOT USE[edit]
Amazon.com has employed, since it's creation, many various former aggravated assault offenders. The majority of these offenders simply lurk in the shadows, waiting for the appropriate moment to make a snide comment to a co-worker or scratch their name above some other dude's name in the bathroom stalls.
However, in recent time several of these repeat offenders have become secret vigilantes, placing items worthy only of being used as fodder for a tactical nuke, or perhaps stuffing in an incinerator, into fake test categories. The most well known of these test category is entitled "DO NOT USE," in hopes of becoming an overused internet meme, screamed by four-year-olds on the playground and grandmothers at knitting competitions, until it has been used so much that everyone is sick of it and they all move on to something else.
These vigilantes operate in a complete shroud of secrecy, rarely emerging from the shadows in which they do their work, and only posting products to these categories late at night and highly under the influence of alcohol and crystal meth. If one is ever seen in public, assuming they clearly identify themselves, it is best to stay away. Products in the DO NOT USE category at the so- called blog Amazon are best avoided as well.
Amazon and fascism[edit]
Amazon has also shown big support for fascists everywhere by completely regulating all of its books, spreading propaganda e-mails about certain books it likes, mainly rabid Islamic jihad against Israel pamphlets, and banning/censoring/not carrying/randomly wiping comment pages on ones it doesn't like (poems written by Israeli lawyers, bankers, doctors AKA Jewish people). It also has as mentioned above, seemingly completely inept administrators, but specifically they are e-gestapo monkeys.
Draconian DRM[edit]
Warning! Amazon.com contains SecuROM, a nasty backdoor trojan condom which hides itself in your RAMs and bytes really hard.
- ↑ Yes, the US patent office is staffed with fuckwits.