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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]

LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?

DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.

TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.

PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.

TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?

(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that Godot isn't coming?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down...

April 23: Bring Your Penis To Work Day

303 - Deadbeat Saint George refuses to pay for his lizard children's child support.
1875 - Queen Victoria outlaws the word penis, decrees henceforth the organ shall be known as Naughty Mr. Johnson. (Pictured)
1909 - Czarina Alexandra is enraptured by Rasputin's penis, puts it in the parlor mantelpiece.
1953 - Queen Elizabeth II announces that she shall confer upon all royal penii the title of Sir.
1967 - Bono's penis is voted by readers of Us Weekly as being attached to the "World's Biggest Dick."
1968 - Flower Power is replaced by Wind Power, and all the petals are blown away...
1971 - The Rolling Stones release Sticky Penis, their first album on their own label.
1993 - Bill Clinton becomes the first USA president since JFK to bring his penis to the White House.
2008 - Your mom forgets to pack your penis in your lunchbox, You get teased the rest of the day.

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Picture of the day

"Hey, guys! Where ya goin'? I'm all packed and... aaaww, shit, there goes the bus."

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