Carbon
Carbon, derived from the Greek Car (meaning "Global") and Bon (meaning "warming") is a chemical element in the Idiotic table, with the symbol C and atomic number . Carbon is the scientifically proven cause of all the world's problems, and has many allotropes such as chocolate and Frisbees. Diamonds are compossed of carbon, so that nice ring that you gave a loved one, well it isn't exactly showing love. Carbon also has the ability to repel the living dead, which makes it especially usefull in the event of zombie attacks.
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History[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Carbon was first invented by caveman Patrick Moore in the year 350BC as a constituent for his new power source, fire.
Carbon also once formed a group that stood up to a significant threat by the element Boron to contort space-time. The conflict became known as the Periodic Table wars.
Overview[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Carbon occurs in all Organic Life™ and is the basis for organic chemistry. It has the unusual nature of being able to destroy any environment it is present in, and it can also form Convenient Bonds with itself and other elements. It is a non-metal, and explodes in the presence of heavy metal music. Its tetravalent tendency allows it to form many pure-carbon allotropes, for example, Bucky's Balls as well as tens of billions of trillions of carbon-based compounds.
Allotropes[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Carbon forms many allotropes, almost all of which cause at least one of the world's problems. The simplest allotrope, Chocolate, consisting of molecules each containing 50 carbon atoms, is the primary cause of obesity. The presence of chocolate in the bloodstream at minute concentrations causes the body to swell and gain weight.
The allotrope Frisbee consists of singular molecules of carbon, each molecule is in the shape of a circular dish is about 15-25cm in diameter, and consists of 300 billion carbon atoms. Its non-polar structure creates a strong electrostatic attraction between its molecules and fragile objects, on contact with such objects the attraction causes the fragility of the object to resonate, causing it to break into several pieces. The attractive force is exactly proportional to the value of the object multiplied by its tendency to break on impact.
A thankfully rare allotrope, known as Satanite, consists of molecules containing 666 carbon atoms. Satanite explodes violently on contact with anything, and a single molecule has enough toxicity to destroy all life on a planet within seconds. Satanite occurs naturally in the centre of black holes and as a solution (providing it is below its exploding temperature with water, 3 degrees kelvin) has a pH of -666,666,666,666.6 recurring.
Compounds[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Carbon forms tens of billions of trillions of compounds, however they all share similar properties, such as the ability to cause severe problems to the natural environment, the ability to have needlessly complicated names and the ability to cause Environmentalists to protest in their masses.
One of the most useful applications of carbon is in Nanna Tubes.
Natural Sources[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Carbon exists in nature as a black solid, known as Coal found near China, and as a black gloopy liquid, known as Oil found directly beneath American Soldiers or Saudi Arabian figureheads.
Isotopes[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
There is only 3 known isotopes of Carbon:
Carbon 12 has 6 neutrons and is known as the most abundant isotope, commonly found in rat poo.
Carbon 13 has 7 neutrons and is known as the unluckiest isotope, said to be the cause of Oscar Wilde's homosexuality.
Carbon 14 has 8 neutrons and is radioactive, with a half life of about 5,000 years. Its used to trick scientists into believing the world is older than it actually is.
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
| 1H Hydrogen | 2He Helium | ||||||||||||||||
| 3Li Lithium | 4Be Beryllium | 5B Boron | 6C Carbon | 7N Nitrogen | 8O Oxygen | 9F Fluorine | 10Ne Neon | ||||||||||
| 11Na Sodium | 12 Mg Magnesium | 13Al Aluminum | 14 Si Silicon | 15 P Phosphorus | 16 S Sulfur | 17Cl Chlorine | 18Ar Argent | ||||||||||
| 19 K Potassium | 20 Ca Calcium | 21Sc Scandinavium | 22Ti Titanium | 23 V Vanadium | 24Cr Chromium | 25 Mn Manganese | 26Fe Iron | 27 Co Cobalt | 28Ni Nickel | 29 Cu Copper | 30 Zn Zinc | 31 Ga Gallium | 32 Ge Germanium | 33 As Arsenic | 34 Se Selenium | 35 Br Bromine | 36Kr Krypton |
| 37 Rb Rubidium | 38 Sr Strontium | 39 Y Yttrium | 40 Zr Zirconium | 41 Nb Niobium | 42 Mo Molybdenum | 43 Tc Technetium | 44 Ru Ruthenium | 45 Rh Rhodium | 46 Pd Palladium | 47Ag Silver | 48 Cd Cadmium | 49In Indium | 50Sn Tin | 51 Sb Antimony | 99Te Tedium | 53 I Iodine | 54Xe Xenon |
| 55 Cs Caesium | 56 Ba Barium | 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides | 72 Hf Hafnium | 73 Ta Tantalum | 74 W Tungsten | 75 Re Rhenium | 76 Os Osmium | 77 Ir Iridium | 78Pt Platinum | 79Au Gold | 80Hg Mercury | 81 Tl Thallium | 82Pb Lead | 83Bi Bismuth | 84Po Polonium | 85 At Astatine | 86Rn Radon |
| 87 Fr Francium | 88 Ra Radium | 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides | 104 Rf Rutherfordium | 105 Db Dubnium | 106 Sg Seaborgium | 107 Bh Bohrium | 108 Hs Hassium | 109 Mt Meitnerium | 110 Ds Darmstadtium | 111 Uuu Unununium | 112 Cn Copernicium | 113 Nh Nihonium | 114 Fl Flerovium | 115 Mc Moscovium | 116 Lv Livermorium | 117 Ts Tennessine | 118 Og Oganesson |
| 119Un Uncyclopedium | 120 Ub Unobtanium | 121 Aeo Awesomnium | 122Fa Fartium | 123St Stalinium | 124Ob Obamium | 125Sl Stalloneium | -1SuStupidium | 1/5Bm Brucium | 1/2*Ch Cheesium | 3/4Pl Plotonium | 4.5Op Opium | ∞Hu Homoerectium | |||||
| 57 La Lanthanum | 58 Ce Cerium | 59Pr Praseodymium | 60 Nd Neodymium | 61 Pm Pentium | 62 Sm Samarium | 63 Eu Europium | 64 Gd Gadolinium | 65 Tb Terbium | 66 Dy Dysprosium | 67 Ho Holmium | 68 Er Erbium | 69 Tm Thulium | 70 Yb Ytterbium | 71 Lu Lutetium | |||
| 89 Ac Actinium | 90 Th Thorium | 91 Pa Protactinium | 92U Uranium | 93 Np Neptunium | 94Pu Plutonium | 95 Am Americium | 96 Cm Curium | 97 Bk Berkelium | 98 Cf Californium | 99 Es Einsteinium | 100 Fm Fermium | 101 Md Mendelevium | 102 No Nobelium | 103 Lr Lawrencium |
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.