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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Yo, Dawg! You wanna pimp a ho!? But you ain’t got no ho 'ta pimp? Simple fool! First thang that a pimp needs is some good sense, and it jus’ ain’t good sense that you can pimp a ho, without no mothafuckin’ ho. So you gotta get recuitin' some bitch ta be yo' ho, and you put that bitch ta wurk.

The history of hos ‘n’ pimps is some plain shit, Holmes. The first cave brotha told the first cave bitch, "yo, mama, get yo' mud-flappin' ass outta here. Go'n fuck 'nother cave chump, ho! An' bring back some mothafuckin' bones!" That's when pimpin’ hos was born, man. My bitches be shy, an' they needs a po-lite introduction. That's what pimps is fo'!

Now gettin’ a ho be smooth in my hood, coz’ a lotta bitches chillin’ round lookin’ fo' a pimp, so I got me all kinds-a mothafuckin’ hos. That’s why I’s tellin’ ya. That‘s why I’s sweatin’ writin' this here shiit. Cos' I’s the man in my hood. I’s ‘super-pimp’. And cos' this hea jive-ass Uncyclopedia come an’ ask my advice. So, yo! Hea' this'. You can listen-up if you want ‘thang’ on how ta pimp a ho. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
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Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
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Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
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Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

April 16: 42nd Josef Stalin Appreciation Day (World)

1560 BC - Moses forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love.
1878 - Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is born. Baby Hitler shudders in his Baby Hitler dreams.
1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union; Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an "estupit beach" on national television.
1991 - US federal law passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
2011 - Encyclopedia Dramatica sadly returns within 2 days of its death.

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Picture of the day

Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account. From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE)

Image credit: Tshell
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