IllogiNews:Psychic predicts failed predictions

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In the good old days, they'd have taken him out back and <insert violent and/or sexual type of assault> the bitch.

GRAPPLING HOOK, New York -- The quaint upstate village of Grappling Hook makes for a tranquil life, but the life of Sarah Kildare is anything but. Her psychic consulting company, Predictive Analytics, is a beehive of clairvoyant energies. From her panopticon, consisting of a papasan chair and a small birch table with a singing bell, pad of paper and pencil, psychoisolated using patented intellect-dampening materials, she seeks answers from etheric entities.

Yesterday she predicted that all of her predictions will be wrong in the foreseeable future. "So when I make predictions from now on, the opposite may happen. Or something else entirely. I'm working on methods to predict what my predictions predict, a filter, so to speak," she told the Albany Observer & Noodle & Co. & Friends & Family Inc.