Family

提供ていきょう:Uncyclopedia
ナビゲーションに移動いどう 検索けんさく移動いどう
Ties2.jpg
Hey Susie, do you know where Grandpa is? Hmmm... well anyways that’s a nice steak you have there. Wait... why is it bearded?

The family is a early torture device invented by Pope Sixtus II sometime in the late 3rd century. Victims can take this punishment alone, or, more commonly, they are joined by people of a similar age and genetic make-up referred to commonly as 'siblings'.

Service[編集へんしゅう | ソースを編集へんしゅう]

Victims are often asked to perform seemingly pointless tasks, their freedom is limited and discipline is strictly limited. Nothing more is known of the inner workings of 'families', casualty figures are high and many are too badly scarred emotionally to ever talk of their experiences. It is unfortunately one of those tragedies of life that cannot be known without experiencing it, and. alas, by then, it is too late.

Escape[編集へんしゅう | ソースを編集へんしゅう]

It is notoriously diffcult to escape from the family due to the reliance of it's victims on their captors, more commonly known as 'parents' for food, shelter, and, in some rare cases, money. There have also been several reports of Stockholm syndrome.

Due to the humanitarian efforts of many charities and the famous 'just say no organisation' among them, victims are now granted freedom after 18 years of servitude (previously, prisoners, especially females, would be retained until they could be sold into a form of slavery more commonly known as marriage). It is, however, still relatively common for souls to be retained for many years after the required length of service, binding many victims to their captors.

This bind can sometimes be lessened by marriage when the transfer of the soul takes place, this often brings these 'parents' into conflict with their former victims' new masters.

Escape from this system is difficult, but there are two routes available for those considering it.

Route 1- Runaways. Due to the foolish lack of security surrounding these indivual prisons, physical escape is relatively easy. However those that attempt this route often end up desolate, and thus, most are advised against this course of action.

Route 2- Orphans. An unfortunate situation, the victim is left without support, although they are free. They are often envied, both because of this freedom and their inherited wealth, however, one must bear in mind that due to the governments deluded notion that humans under the age of 18 are incapable of looking after themselves, orphans are forced to cohabit with hated family members or stay in a orphanage. Therefore, it is not recommended to kill one's captors to achieve this status.

Victims of the system[編集へんしゅう | ソースを編集へんしゅう]

There a many tragic cases across the world of victims, so far gone, and so utterly reliant on the system, that they will do anything to protect it. They are unsalvageable, and will reject all social contact in favour of their master's company, usually the female of the species. These specimens are known by normal society as 'Mamma's boys' and other derogatory terms. There is, however, one small silver lining to this group, as due to it's underdeveloped social skills and hideous appearance, this sub species is unable to attract a mate and thus cannot continue this atrocity in the way described below.

Continuation[編集へんしゅう | ソースを編集へんしゅう]

As a result of brainwashing, many survivors wrongly believe the family to be a route to happiness and seek to continue it, thus handing down this system of control. Due to this, it is worth remembering that some present captors are former victims and really cannot be held responsible for their actions. The vast majority of these 'parents', however are agents working for the government, and, contrary to popular belief, were not born but are results of a disastrous course of genetic research conducted sometime in the mid to late 20th century.