History of Porn
Is that really a risk you want to take?
Be careful.
The history of art is truly one of the most controversial fields in history studies. Many scholars will make you believe that it's all about studying the nature of humanity, all this, all that. What many won't tell you is that about 99% of artworks produced throughout the entire history of the world is related with sexual relations in one way or another. So, one could say that the history of art is really just another name for the history of pornography.
Ever since Mankind could find leisure through quickly stroking the shaft of his penis; ever since Womankind found leisure in spreading their legs; ever since the camera was invented: One of the most popular forms of entertainment was sweeping the countries of the world. "When man desired to see fornication, man saw fornication!" Behold; the untold history of porn.
Early depictions[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Prehistory[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Since the dawn of history Man has been drawn to draw drawings of dicks and vaginas on every surface he's laid eyes on. Many historians and anthropologists argue that this desire to depict human genitalia is a primal urge rooted deep within the very DNA, just like eating.[1]
Nonetheless, porn had a rough start when it comes to critical success. During these ages, men felt no necessity for relieving their urges with images of naked hot chicks, as they weren't restrained by modern-day rules, meaning they could have hot indiscriminate sex with the first chick they saw whenever they noticed a bulge in their non-existing pants. As a result, few artists could make a living out of their job, and it would take them thousands of years to do so.
Mesopotamia[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
With the rise of the first civilizations, men started seeking excitement via watching others having satisfaction. Peeking through the neighbors' windows to see them getting it on became a daily activity, and some even dared to depict it while stroking it with the other hand, creating the first examples of proto-pornography.
This made Yahweh furious. He decided to invoke a Great Flood to the Mesopotamian masses and calm their sheer horniness a little, but this was just the beginning.
Golden Age[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Ancient Greece: (200 BC – 75 BC)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Porn as it is known today was born thanks to a Greek man named Bonarcumin, who wished to become a successful playwright. This Sadly for him, his plays were often critizised of being dull and unoriginal. However, his luck would change when two actors were caught having footsex on stage: the public, rather than being disgusted by it, became weirdly aroused, and started to catch more attention to Bonarcumin's play. That's when the Greek man came up with a brilliant idea: instead of playing battle reenactments, Bonarcumin displayed sexual intercourse reenactments.
One of the most notable examples of Greek porn was Lysistrata, in which playwright Aristophanes depicted a dystopian world where women had collectively stopped to have sex with men. As a result, men went completely feral, and would have sex with the first thing they encountered regardless of gender (or species). This would cause many scenes of hot, steamy gay sex, which would appease the barely-straight Greek masses.
Ancient Rome (200 BC – 75 BC)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Just like everything from Rome has, Greek art came to the hands of Romans, who gave it their own original interpretation.[2] When the women bore women, more food was in order for the Roman military. When women bore men, the quantity of Roman soldiers skyrocketed. It was then, in 200 BC, when the Romans fully adopted pornography into their own culture. An era of baby booming followed immediately in Rome.
Decay and rebirth[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Medieval Times (1000 CE – 1500 CE)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
During the Crusades and all throughout Medieval Europe, with the rapid expansion of Catholicism – and, as a result, puritanism – the popularity of pornos decreased vastly. Catholics regarded depictions of sex as a mortal sin, and would burn at the stake anyone who dared to look at an uncovered ankle in a suspicious way. Thusly, artists were forced to radically tone down their works, and art lost the charm it once had during its days of glory. On top of that, many age-old pornos from Greek and Roman times were destroyed for being "heretic" and "blasphemous", losing thousands years-worth of pornographic works. It's no wonder these dark ages are often called the Dark Ages.[4]
However, this didn't stop some brave souls from producing erotica during these tough times. Such is the case of a medieval poem, which was often told by minstrels who traveled through the medieval lands describing the lustful nights of knights in shining armor and their damsels in distress. Unfortunately, the majority of this classical piece has been lost to time, but many historians believe that its title translated to Latin would be something around the lines of the Princess gets her knight in shining armor to BEND HER OVER! This proves that naming conventions among pornographic works have not changed in the slightest.
Japan (1300 CE – 1800 CE)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Whereas Europe was suffering from a porn deprivation, a newfound depravation started to appear on the other side of the world. In an attempt to save art from the cruel hands of censorship, many merchants would hide several pieces of illegal porno during their trips through the silk road. As a result, porn was spreading like STDs, and soon Japan would receive its fair share.[5] Japan really responded differently than imagined, and in 1300 CE, Japan would see the birth of Tentacle Porn, selling millions and millions (even nillions) of copies of these specialties. As a result, porn became part of everyday Japanese culture.[6] Critics argue that Japanese porn is the most, if not is, the most strangest, yet offensively erotic porn in the world. But, of course, acquiring tentacle porn in any part of the world that isn't Japan is illegal, and will land you in the slammer.[7]
Many argue that by 1500 CE Tentacle Porn had surpassed Greeks' and Romans' pornographic hits by a long shot.[8]
Silver age[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Renaissance: A New Age for Porn (1500 CE – 1600 CE)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
With the suppression of libido during the Middle Ages, people were often unhappy and lost, having their natural urges unsatisfied. Everything backfired when an Italian peasant found about Japan's tentacle porn after stealing it from an oriental merchant ship, opening their eyes to perversions his mind had not even pondered about. After the rumor was spread around, everyone got incredibly horny, and suddenly all of Europe's foundation was starting to collapse. This is when a couple of bright minds decided to put an end to this madness driven by catholic puritanism, marking a new era in the history of humanity: The Renaissance.
During this era of enlightenment, many intellectuals and the like discussed in closed doors the state of erotic literature. The western world started to see new artists, such as Michelangelo, who dared to paint the first human naked, to the disgust and surprise of many religious zealots. It was during this period in history when Shakespeare crafted one of the most well-known pornos of all time, The Aristocrats, which is still well remembered by today.
The American colonies (1700s)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
When the American colonies spanned over the east coast of the Atlantic Ocean, so did pornography. It has been recorded that one of the few recreational activities patriot soldiers could enjoy during the Revolution was watching (and enjoying) fancy pornos. This is still a favorite recreational activity enjoyed by Americans today.[9]
Digital age[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Mass reproduction (1900s)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
During the late 19th Century,
Porn in Soviet Russia (1922–1991)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
With the arrival of communism to Russian society, Russia stopped doing porn. Instead, porn did Russia![10]
United States and the American Wet Dream (1960s–1990s)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
It is widely considered to be the USA's most successful pornographic era during the years between 1960 and 2000. Many ideas struck the directors of such pornos then, like a pornographic version of Alice in Wonderland, Romeo & Juliet, and of course Transformers. One of the most infamous (or famous, your call[11]) pornographic actresses was Marilyn Monroe. She even inspired the most recent generation to recall her whore ways, and do just the same!
Anime and hentai: A new golden age for porn (2000s – present)[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
As of today, Tentacle Porn is still the most viewed and most worshiped porn as of today. Lord knows why.[12]
See also[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Notes[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
- ↑ If God didn't intend for pussy to be eaten, why'd He make it look so much like a taco?
- ↑ "Original" meaning they copied the same plots, but changed the names and called it a day.
- ↑ Needless to say, the artist would be executed by the Spanish Inquisition after finishing their piece.
- ↑ Duh.
- ↑ Like it wasn't coming or anything.
- ↑ We swear!
- ↑ We know from experience.
- ↑ No sexual reference intended.
- ↑ There shouldn't even be a reference needed for this one!
- ↑ Sorry ... I had to do it.
- ↑ No, seriously, it is your call.
- ↑ Seriously. He does.
