Portal:History

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The Hisory Portal

The authoritative guide to history... well, at least they used to be.

History is a form of propaganda dedicated to ensuring that people continue to hear the messages of two key groups: 1, the Nazis; and 2, the Confederacy.

Anything that does not pertain to the Nazis or the Confederacy is probably not history. The rest of the planet outside America and Nazi Germany considers this bloody annoying, except for France, who in Modern World History books, as a tribute to their pathetic military history, have been given countless sections. And we all know the only significant contribution of the French to modern civilisation is the Baguette.

This is shown by the fact that 88% of all history ever written has something to do with Adolf Hitler, German attempts to build an atomic bomb, the Battle of Gettysburg, Confederate efforts to build a useful submarine, and the fateful day that Rudolph Hess used the Fuhrer's time machine to go back and bring Stonewall Jackson to what was then the future to ensure a Nazi victory over the Empire of the Moon during World War II. (Full article...)

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Perseus about to perform a very short back and sides on Medusa.

Medusa is a good example of what happens if you fall out with a goddess and don't check what is inside a shampoo bottle.

Origins of Medusa

You could say Medusa had a pretty rotten life all round. Her parents were a couple of incestuous sea monsters who spent their time shagging each other underwater or crawling out of the sea to feed on unsuspecting beach wedding parties. Somehow Medusa's parents managed to spit out three daughters who looked at least normal. Euryale and Stheno were passable if a bit creepy but their sister Medusa was the family's princess. Pretty and very pert, Medusa was popular at school but already something was chewing at her heart. One day her parents took a break from their grotesque table manners to inform their daughters of 'the facts of life'. These were that Euryale and Stheno were immortal whereas Medusa wasn't. Apparently that was the deal with the Olympian gods. When she heard the news, Medusa shut herself up in the family cave and burnt all her toys.

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Panic on the streets of London...

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Quote of the Day

“History books that contain no lies are extremely dull.”
~ Anatole France

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(January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy. As an occasional pot smoker he suffered from chronic bronchitis; this led to the founding of the dads and they all smoked pot together.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $29 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

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