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Glorious Cajek return story
- By Socky
Something known as a "Cajek" apparently made some sort of return recently. According to eyewitnesses, he updated his ban counter, wrote a few articles, got some of his old articles deleted, did some nominating and voting stuff at VFH, and made several comments on user talk pages. This, seemingly, is about what he used to do, although few of our readers are old enough to remember his previous contributions to Uncyclopedia. Cajek exclusively told us the following: "Gotta go bye see ya".
People disappearing, people reappearing, people with little time on their hands, bots unavailable
- By Socky & UU
What happened to users like MrN9000, Dexter111344, GlobalTourniquet and DrStrange? Were they run over by a train? Did they suffer from a heart attack? Are they running from the law? Or are we just getting too worked up after a couple of weeks' absence? Whatever be the case, we here at the UnSignpost hope they are all right and will be returning to us in the near future. More recently, it has come to our notice that Gerrycheevers, Sonje and RabbiTechno have been missing for at least a couple of days. Perhaps there is a serial killer stalking and brutally murdering bright Uncyc talents? (Are we getting good at this whole "wild press speculation and fear-mongering" thing yet or what?)
In the mean time, fortunately, several other users have made glorious returns to Uncyclopedia. As documented elsewhere, a Cajek is apparently back and doing stuff. MNM5150 has been doing some things around places, mostly the forums. Readmesoon has been spotted at VFH and a few talkpages. Yettie has been sporadically active. And Todd Lyons has been doing more stuff recently than he was doing less recently.
A lot of users seem to be unable to contribute as their work/school requires them to spend their time on "useful" things. The more young adult users/little kids seem to be struggling with certain "finals", like Mahm00shA for instance. SysRq appears to be working on his graduation. Statistics show that Hyperbole's activity has been rather low, but recently increased dramatically. For how long this trend will continue is uncertain.
UU has been here intermittently, but keeps proclaiming himself to be "busy". He commented "I don't have time. In fact, I may not even have time for banning and deleting today, things are going fucking nuts! [...] I have teetering mounds of work, and nowhere near enough time! Arrrrrgh! (I almost feel a second exclamation mark coming on, but nothing's that bad...)" He then proved himself to be a big fat liar by editing this story and various other bits of the UnSignpost.
Additionally, while Wikipedia is being overrun by bots, they seem to have gone completely extinct on Uncyclopedia. This has led to our beloved Socky becoming partly mechanized in order to fill the role of paperbot. However, he is currently planning to get his bot operational so he won't have to tire his arse off every week.
Porn! Porn! Pr0n!
- By Socky
There has been somewhat of a controversy as of lately about the existence of supposed pornographic images on Uncyclopedia. Some support the view "Only if it's funny.", while others say "Meh." The controversy led Orian57 to put all his gay porn on QVFD. Optimuschris was quoted saying "I don't know what the fuss is all about, there's no porn on Uncyclopedia!" The discussion seems to have concluded in something like "If it's really bothering you and isn't funny in any way, delete it!"
Mnbvcxz might also want to add that pictures showing prominent nudity could give rise to some legal issues, though he wasn't actually available for comment, so we can't really be sure.
Usergroups! Usergroups! Usergroups!
- By Socky
War is raging in usergroup land. IC, suffering major losses, has been grinded to a halt and was forced into defensive strategy, regressing to trench warfare. But UNSOC, with masses of new recruits, has declared an all out war against any potential competition.
Meanwhile, a new powerful group has arisen, Der Unwehr, and they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with. The Goa Tse Clan has gone into hiding and remains a mystery to most Uncyclopedians.
"The End" is being foretold once more
- By Socky
Since this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make it to the press, it was inevitable that there would be foretellings of "The End" and it being "near". On Forum:Count to a million, Orian57 was found stating "we could all die [...] then how stupid would we look?" A lot of users made somewhat eccentric speculations on how several issues were related to this "impending doom".
Multiliteralist, Cajek and Optimuschris posted the following "articles" in response to a request to write something for the UnSignpost.
Porn and the impending doom
- By Multiliteralist
As we all know, the impending doom to all good things is caused by porn. This vile practice of drawing pictures of naked women has spread so wide among our young men that it is almost impossible to get them to do anything else.
User groups and the impending doom
- By Cajek
No wai, the impending doom is caused by user groups!
Impending doom and porn
- By Optimuschris
Our porn! The usergroups are coming, and with them...impending doom! Treasure these last few mumble with your porn for the end is nigh!
First person article about porn and impending doom
- By Multiliteralist
I was in a usergroup, watching porn. Suddenly I understood watching porn in a usergroup would do nothing against the impending doom. I got rather stuck, and forgot the reason. Later, I forgot about the impending doom as well. That's what watching porn in a usergroup will do to you. Suddenly I understood: if you are the first person in a usergroup, nobody can make you watch porn.
My advice
- if you are in a usergroup and someone tries to make you watch some porn, avert your eyes!
- if you see porn, remember that the doom is impending.
The perfect solution to problems with porn, usergroups, and the impending doom
Form your own usergroup and make others watch porn!
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From our logs MOTHERFUCKING NIGGER LOVER SPECIAL:
- 21:34, 14 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Nevada" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) (Why is the fucking nigger vandal back? I figured he would have killed himself by now, the little waste of sperm......)
- 01:38, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "ROMAN DOG BIRD IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (Anybody else here a nigger faggot? Oh, wait, we all probably are. *goes back to eating his god damn fried chicken w/ Colt 45 on the side*)
- 05:49, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.212.236.6 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Fucking one trick pony. And stop accusing all of us of being black, you worthless little prick. You do realise how gay that makes you sound when you tell us to suck your dick, right?)
- 05:55, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "UNDER USER IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK 24/7" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (Oh, you're a clever little cookie, aren't you? I can't WAIT for you to do this me. Too bad I might not be up at the time...oh well.)
- 06:08, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "ROMAN DOG BIRD IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK 24/7" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (Oh, fuck it, I want to see what this little mongoloid can come up with instead, if anything. But seriously folks, in all seriousness, I'm as black as they get. A friend of mine told me this once.)
- 18:09, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Joseph Stalin" [edit=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) [move=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) (Yeah, Bill Cosby pounded me up my gay nigger ass last night. It was HOTT.)
- 20:27, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.46.52.10 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Please end your life right now. Go take one od your father's guns, load it, put it in your mouth, and pull the trigger.)
- 20:30, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" (Oh God, first the nigger vandal returns, and then you're ugly ass shows up again to "torment" us with your worthless crap. You need to kill yourself as well.)
- 20:31, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" (No, really. Tie a noose, put it around your head, hang yourself. Simple.)
- 20:32, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (Yeah, yeah, we know already, you little crybaby. What did we ever do to you? Oh, wait, all you can do is cry and moan and make pages with periods and then blank them. Speech is beyond you, I guess.)
- 20:33, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (And I've never been more serious about this whole suicide thing. I've been reluctant to tell you people to do so in the past, but I really don't care anymore. It's not like you're really going to do it. I'm sure you're having a blast doing this every day.)
- 20:37, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNNEWS SUCKS!" (I'm sure you're not as much of a lower life form as I think you are. You just love doing this, knowing how much it irritates us. Me especially, as I'm the only one willing to type out messages this long in response.)
- 20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" (I wonder what else you'll come up with. Are you just going to keep adding exclamation points? You must be one of the angriest people on the planet or something. You're worse than Idi Amin and God combined.)
- 20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" (And I'm sure shit like this has been done before. Originality certainly is dead. I mean, can you get any lamer?)
- 20:42, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" (But really now, what if nobody deleted this shit? What if we let you and the nigger vandal just do what you always do? Would you assimilate the website so it's all the same shit? OH! What if you two got into a conflict?! That would be comedy bronze!)
- 20:43, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" (God, just imagine you two going at it, two little twats who think they're the rebellious type going at it, with.....with......oh man....)
- 20:50, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.96.165.178 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Yes it does. You're a real rebel aren't you? I bet you've murdered many blacks before and beaten up various others. I am TERRIFIED of you.)
- 20:51, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Kentuckistan" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) (You're talking about how we're nigger faggots like it's a bad thing. Well, if you keep talking about putting your dick in my mouth, that clearly makes you gay. Don't try to tell me you like women. You haven't said anything to prove this.)
- 22:19, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Ohio" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) (Oh, so it's a domination thing, right? You can't possibly be gay since you're making me suck your cock, but I'm the one enjoying it since I'm a gay nigger, which is the type of person you hate. Right, okay, but do you like women? Y'know, with the vaginer?)
- 15:50, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked ZooZoo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Your mother is a nigger. You are what you hate.)
- 17:43, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 85.94.198.122 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (TYLER LIONS!!! YOU KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!!!!! AND MORDILLO IS A JEW, MY NIGGER!!!!!!!)
- 17:50, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Maryland" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) (Tyler Lions? Never heard a more niggerish name then that! Let's lynch 'em!!!!!!)
- 20:27, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Louisiana" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) (Well, you're finally listening to me! But Hitler's been long dead! How the fuck is he going to take out Mordildo? Don't talk for my nigguh hitler, man.)
- 15:42, 18 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Work" [edit=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) (Yo nigga, imma gonna break free from deese chains and fill yo cracka ass up wit mah dick, honkey bitch)
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| Biopic of the Week
MOTERFUCKING NIGGER BITCH LOVER is the token black admin. Known for his rampant homosexuality and love of sucking the cocks of racist vandals, he's forever spoiling the fun of innocent, hardworking vandals by deleting their masterpieces about their friends, and then adds insult to injury by banning them with excitable and lengthy comments. Bastard. He'll probably get lynched by the KKK before too long.
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| Cajek Notice of the Week
He was banned a couple times. No, seriously. See for yourself.
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