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What a terrible thing it is to hold sin in your hands, gently pressing its buttons and marveling at the pleasing electronic beeps and boops it emits. Its digital delights entertain for hours on end, but they merely distract from the gnawing guilt and anguish inside. Only when it is turned off is the perpetrator revealed, reflected in a glossy LCD screen.
You've come to depend on us for providing you with the Japanese hardware sales chart -- the objective and unaltered numerical truth of all consoles and handhelds. Full disclosure must triumph! Towards the end of our trip to Tokyo, on September 24th, we altered the course of sales events. We passed our greedy hands over the chart's fate and altered it ourselves, adding one Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII edition PSP to the outcome. The price was heavy, but the price of our meddling was far heavier.
Also, we just had to buy 3,528 Xbox 360s in anticipation of Halo 3.
It is with trembling hands and an overwhelming sense of insecurity (more so than usual) that we bring you this week's Japanese sales charts. It's as if someone flipped our world upside down, yanked the carpet off our heads and welcomed us to a zone where doors float in space and wild fantasies become startling truth.
The fact that "TGS" doesn't stand for "Terrific Gourmet Sandwich" is likely just as disappointing for you as it is for us. In our preparations for next week's Tokyo Game Show, we simply haven't found the time to waste on trivial matters such as eating, bathing or maintaining the fine balance between being witty and being obnoxious. We're already packing our bags, charging our numerous portable gaming systems and figuring out how best to phrase the question, "Why isn't your game Ninja Gaiden 2?"
Oh, and we also plan to do something about all these soul-crushingly grim red arrows. We'll show them.
By complying with my request to cast your mind back to the month of February, you'll accomplish two very important things. Firstly, you'll conjure up the always hilarious image of a brain splattering across a slightly yellowed calendar page, preferably one of those featuring a woman you only dream of seeing on the romantic kind of date. And secondly, you'll recall the disappointing results of my last job interview, which saw the position of Finnish Sales Chart Tracker elude me entirely.
Not being one to thhro in teh towletherow in the towl whatever, I decided I'd venture into the terrifying, neon-lit world of public relations. Hey, that Karakker guy just quit -- maybe I could take a karak at his job? Failing that, I'll become a comedian!
Find the conveniently transcribed job interview after the break.
With this edition of the weekly Japanese hardware sales chart, Joystiq would like to encourage all of its American readers to have a blissful Labor Day weekend devoid of emotional trauma, nuclear apocalypse and above all, any sort of productivity. Joystiq also requests that readers forward this sentiment to their illiterate friends and colleagues.
Though incorrectly thought of as a holiday meant to celebrate the birth of life, Labor Day really highlights the complete and utter loss of it. As a working man, woman or abducted child, you may feel that your employment has slowly encroached upon the things that really matter in this existence -- video games. We urge you to spend the next few days ignoring any and all emails, telephones and shrieks from significant others.
Prepare to receive some contradicting memos this week if you're a member of the Nintendo Defense Force. The DS sales chart sandwich has returned, leaving NDF commanders confused as to whether they should attack or defend on the bulletin board battlefields. Simultaneously the best- and worst-selling system of the week, Nintendo's portable wonder demands response tactics that are both celebratory and derogatory.
We'd recommend spinning your impending comment with references to "pincer tactics" and "trash compactors."
The above commercial always brings a smile to our horrifying "editorial we" amalgam of faces, reminding us that despite the abundance of oppressive red arrows this week, the people of Japan are still storming the stores to purchase gaming hardware. Said hardware tends to be the ubiquitous DS Lite, of course, but there was a time when the GBA enjoyed a much better view compared to its current position.
When (if?) the DS Lite ever finds itself at the bottom, what magical device could possibly be at the top?
Chased by a group of adorably deformed but club-wielding golfers, the PlayStation 3 has finally crossed the one million mark in Japan -- 1,017,689 systems have been sold. Everybody's Golf 5, or Hot Shots Golf 5 as your Western mind may recognize it, debuted in the second spot in the Japanese software sales chart with 152,379 copies sold. It was beaten only by a certain portly plumber's eighth party, which was attended by 264,953 people.
The golf game helped push the PS3's sales up to 28,829 units, a high number when compared to those of recent weeks, but not so much when compared to the considerably cheaper competition. The Xbox 360 also saw a boost to slightly less abysmal sales, an event you can likely blame on the software chart's number seven. The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivionbroke into the listing with 40,168 copies sold.
With the arrival of each week's Japanese hardware sales chart usually comes an inescapable torrent of questions. We suspect they're asked quite often, commonly, regularly... possibly even frequently. Unable to handle the pressure of the ceaseless interrogation any longer, we've decided to acquiesce to your recurrent requests and provide the FAQs (and nothing but the FAQs).
Joystiq would like to thank all the readers who spared the time to vote in last week's Japanese sales chart poll. The meaningful information it yielded (shown above) will prove invaluable in our future endeavors to enhance the presentation, as well as the content of the weekly hardware sales recap. It is largely thanks to you that we are able to focus on the issues that matter, and we hope our new state of clarity will be reflected in future posts.
And just when you thought things were going so well. This week's inescapably cataclysmic sales charts confirm what we've all suspected since 2004 -- the Nintendo DS is nothing more than a farcical fad. Microsoft may have waited until this week to deal with their Red Ring of Death problem, but Nintendo had best act faster to resolve their imminent Red Arrow of Debilitation plight. Even those with the most cursory of interests in hardware sales can see the deadly signs spelling out the end of Nintendo's touchy-feely technology: D-O-O-M. E.
That bonus "E" is there for a reason, wonderfully capturing the sound emitted by surprised Nintendo executives experiencing a rude awakening. It's the sort of wake-up call that transpires when someone replaces your pillow with a crocodile on the same day you decided to wear your special salami pajamas (lovingly referred to as salamajamas). Time to pack your bags and go home, Nintendo.
Okay, since you're already in Japan, just pack your bags. Pack your bags with demolished dreams and haunting regrets.
When does mere coincidence become conspiracy? It's an appropriate question to ask given the curious state of this week's Japanese hardware sales, which seem to hint at an unseen entity unfairly adjusting parameters and altering the accepted balance of things. Indeed, the original Nintendo DS seems to have been given life again -- 30 lives compared to last week's zero. Could Konami's recent announcement of side-scrolling shooter sequel, Contra 4, have played a part in all this?
We'd share the answers with you... but that would be cheating.
- DS Lite: 163,888 45,204 (38.09%) - Wii: 65,582 61 (0.09%) - PSP: 32,984 375 (1.12%) - PS2: 11,962 12 (0.10%) - PS3: 9,581 100 (1.05%) - Xbox 360: 3,369 4,214 (55.57%) - Game Boy Micro: 284 87 (23.45%) - GBA SP: 130 342 (72.46%) - Gamecube: 82 B 141 (63.23%) - DS Phat: 30 A 30 (N/A%)
[Note: In order to receive an "A" for "Alright" rating from the Irreverent News Entertainment Policing Team, the following article may have undergone some language censoring.]
I only have one fishy question to ask you bunch of cats. What the Ferengi do you care about that Japan place? You sit there at your French cuisine computer all day, debating the finer points of a bunch of mother-frosty statistics from a country your sorry asparagus has never even seen outside of some fabergé egg hentai show. Do you really give a disco that the release of Namco's Trusty Bell (Eternal Sonata for you English pneumatic drills) gave the Xbox 360 close to a 200percent boost? Flamingo me!
Are you actually curious as to why Ninja Gaiden Sigma failed to have the same Forrest Gump effect on the PS3? You Ferris wheel grinders need to stop this ridiculous desktop debating, you hear? Darn you. Darn you all to hobnob.
And so, the Church of England vs. Sonysagaat last seems to be inching towards a resolution. How did it ever turn into such a mess? The answer to that question, obtained only through ingenious hacking techniques, lies after the break (that place we put all the nonsense that has nothing to do with sales charts). The lesson to be learned, of course, is that when you're creating a work of fiction or designing a game, it's best to avoid any real locales. Actually, just make sure the whole thing takes place in outer space. There's nobody there.
"Double you tea eff, Ludwig," you say. "It's Saturday! These charts are late! I demand an explanation, you wretched excuse for a human being!" And an explanation is just what you'll receive, one that is meticulously crafted to your exact specifications. Find it after the break and substitute as necessary.
174,985 (62.99%)
2,372 (3.36%)
It is with trembling hands and an overwhelming sense of insecurity (more so than usual) that we bring you this week's Japanese sales charts. It's as if someone flipped our world upside down, yanked the carpet off our heads and welcomed us to a zone where doors float in space and wild fantasies become startling truth.
By complying with my request to cast your mind back to the month of February, you'll accomplish two very important things. Firstly, you'll conjure up the always hilarious image of a brain splattering across a slightly yellowed calendar page, preferably one of those featuring a woman you only dream of seeing on the romantic kind of date. And secondly, you'll recall the disappointing results of my 
With this edition of the weekly Japanese hardware sales chart, Joystiq would like to encourage all of its American readers to have a blissful Labor Day weekend devoid of emotional trauma, nuclear apocalypse and above all, any sort of productivity. Joystiq also requests that readers forward this sentiment to their illiterate friends and colleagues.
And just when you thought things were going so well. This week's inescapably cataclysmic sales charts confirm what we've all suspected since 2004 -- the Nintendo DS is nothing more than a farcical fad. Microsoft may have waited until this week to deal with their 
100 (1.05%) 
4,214 (55.57%)
87 (23.45%)
"Double you tea eff, Ludwig," you say. "It's Saturday! These charts are late! I demand an explanation, you wretched excuse for a human being!" And an explanation is just what you'll receive, one that is meticulously crafted to your exact specifications. Find it after the break and substitute as necessary.
