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"Double you tea eff, Ludwig," you say. "It's Saturday! These charts are late! I demand an explanation, you wretched excuse for a human being!" And an explanation is just what you'll receive, one that is meticulously crafted to your exact specifications. Find it after the break and substitute as necessary.
We're not particularly fond of traditional corporate meetings. As a platform for communication, we find that a meeting frequently fails on multiple fronts, particularly the one that requires human beings to spit verbs at each other within, well, spitting distance. We much prefer the impersonal touch of an electronic network, though this is often unsuitable when a matter is of particularly urgency. Keiji Inafune's recent distress regarding the Mega Man franchise's supposed inability to recoup its "next-gen" costs is indeed urgent, and in urgent need of a good collar grab and face slap.
For the sake of the blue bomber, we endured an intense meeting with Capcom's own negative Nelly, the transcription of which can be found after the break (you know, that part where we put stuff that has nothing to do with the sales charts).
Lick your screen. Go on, do it. You'll find it to have a sort of artificial non-taste, with just a hint of static and dust. Incidentally, that's precisely what a DS sandwich tastes like, one freshly made from this week's Japanese sales charts. The sleeker DS Lite still reigns at the top while its older and comparatively obese sibling languishes at the bottom, slowly getting devoured by a seeping mustard menace. Which... would be the GBA, we guess. This paragraph doesn't make a lot of sense, we admit.
If you'll cast your browser back in time to late February 2006, you'll note how the original DS was once the best selling device in Japan. Those were certainly crazier times, as evidenced by this snapshot of January. The PSP reigning supreme? Surely, you must have lost your mind! Hey, we did just see you lick a computer screen, Shirley.
After a group of modders dug into the Halo 3 Beta code and seemingly discovered some embedded weapons and vehicles intended for the game's September release, we immediately set out to confirm the information for ourselves. Is there really a flamethrower hidden in there? Just what exactly is this "Chopper" vehicle? Depressingly, our frantic scratching through the code yielded no answers, only several bizarre items and unexpected discoveries.
First item: This week's Japanese hardware sales chart. It's appearance in the code seems awfully contrived, but it's sure to be useful during intense fanboy debate!
This week brings a fairly interesting edition of the closely followed Japanese hardware sales charts, with some unusual movements occurring at the bottom of the list. The Gamecube receives a minor and mysterious boost, managing to overtake both the Game Boy Advance SP and its diminutive sibling. The less diminutive, but undeniably dim GBA also moves up -- the only direction it could go after last week.
At the top, things are somewhat less interesting, almost bordering on cliché. The DS Lite remains an incredibly popular system, with the Wii staying above the 100,000 mark for the second week in a row. The PS2 and PS3 are still jostling for position while the Xbox 360 remains unmoved from its intractable spot. Not even Halo 3 can be relied on in Japan, though perhaps the sheer power of hyperbole will physically manifest and push it further up the charts.
Before your eyes glaze over at the sight of the Japanese hardware sales and your mind starts contemplating all the wonderful things you'll get up to this weekend, consider the unfortunate circumstance of today being Wednesday. Also, consider obtaining a better way of signaling the end of the week to yourself. Otherwise, you might find yourself sleeping in on a business day the next time a series of Japanese holidays, collectively known as Golden Week, delays the arrival of the weekly numbers beyond the usual Friday slot.
Just in case, though, we'll be sure to inform you when it really is Friday. (Hint: Check back the day after Thursday).
Oh, you think that the Xbox 360 Meh-lite is the only expensive and meaningful upgrade to arrive this week? And you firmly believe that any wound can be healed by the application of the correct type of cheese? Allow us to inform you then, that at least 50% of your current beliefs are wildly incorrect. What you see before you, on your monitor, in the section of the screen that displays this paragraph, is the significantly improved and undeniably elite version of the Japanese hardware sales charts!
Harnessing the ludicrous power of HDMI 1.3, we've enhanced our presentation beyond the low-resolution limits of your imagination. You're bound to recoil in horror -- horror at how primitive our previous display method was, that is! Stop blinking and closely scrutinize the detail that you didn't even know was there.
There were many buttons typed to bring you this information, but it is a fate they gladly endure in order to keep you abreast of things abroad. This week's Japanese charts reveal that all is still well in the land of Nintendonia, where people waggle without care and enjoy the company of their portable money printers. But in the land of Sony, er, land, things are somewhat gloomy.
Indeed, the PS3 will have to double its efforts -- which means the Xbox 360 had better start practicing some serious multiplication.
Having recovered from the crushing disappointment that was Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles and its complete and utter failure to incorporate a deranged Mary Poppins (equipped with bionic limbs and a strong desire to open her primary weapon inside zombie orifices), a great number of gamers may find themselves in a ponderous mood. Why, just looking at Resident Evil 4, how can one not be compelled to ask, "What happened to this glorious, gore-ious franchise?"
What happened to slowly inching your way down a corridor, nearly paralyzed by the fear of how the next sudden camera angle might mangle your chances of survival? What happened to the constant interruptions provided by a vague health gauge that could only be accessed on another screen? Where did the dramatic exchanges between characters, so delightfully peppered with Jill sandwiches and Chris' blood, run off to? What happened to having your head ripped apart by an off-screen opponent, or struggling to shoot a dog because your highly trained S.T.A.R.S. agent has no idea how to aim a gun? What happened to inserting the crystal tiara into the cobalt iguana statue in order to unlock the underwater opera house?
Thanks a lot, Capcom. Your recent meddling has completely ruined a wonderful franchise.
I used to have everything under control. My business, my cases, my finances -- my life. There was a time when I thought my decisions were sound, but like leaving your finest china at the end of a bowling alley, it's the sound that lets you know you've made a bad decision and that you've turned your back far too quickly. Hindsight isn't 20/20 when you've got bits of teacup sticking out of your retina.
It wasn't until that last case that everything shattered into pieces.
ATTACHED EVIDENCE: SALES CHARTS FOR MAR. 26 - APR. 1
"What if?" It's a question, albeit a lazily constructed one, that we here at Joystiq often enjoy asking. What if the PlayStation 3 was cheaper? What if the DS Lite was a miserable failure? What if human beings had balloon whisks for arms and flashlights for eyes and were forced to lead an existence composed entirely of unblinking and brightly lit baking? All important questions, though none as important as the one recently posed by the Olympic union of Mario and Sonic, two of gaming's most famous guys who jump on other guys to kill them.
What if Mario chose someone else to go to the Olympics?
It's not very often that you get accused of being part of an evil conspiracy. It certainly isn't very often that you're given opportunity to use words such as "collusion," "racketeering" or "farcical," especially not in the same sentence! It is thus with great pleasure that we inform you that Joystiq has been implicated in an imagined and entirely farcical collusion that promotes racketeering.
The always entertaining and fundamentally unhinged attorney at lawl, Jack Thompson, has deemed it fit to include us (along with the ESA, Penny Arcade, Gamespot, Kotaku and more) in his latest attack on Take Two. Apparently, the publisher has "collaborated and conspired" with us to further their racketeering activities.
Of course, we're not even sure what racketeering is. "I'm selling these fine leather rackets," springs to mind, but we're convinced it's more complex than that. Perhaps we've been USING TOO MANY CAPITALIZED WORDS? Should we "turn it down a notch," as the old folks are fond of saying? Either way, please let us know in the comments section -- or else we'll punch you in the face and trash your store, ya hear?
Much like the gruesome aftermath of an unexpected shark attack, it was difficult to miss the fact that a crucial part of us recently went missing. Last week, the Japanese sales charts were mysteriously absent, leaving nothing but a festering hole on the front page and a severe bout of dizziness for all involved. Of course, the blame is to be firmly placed on the shark -- here meaning the Game Developer's Conference held in San Francisco.
We were ill-prepared when it devoured our energy in one terrifying gulp and by the time we filmed a special video "skit," it had become all too apparent that we had little acting, humor, writing or basic conversational abilities. Instead, we present a gallery of miscellaneous GDC images, many of which depict Joystiq staffers in various states of tomfoolery and general ineptitude. If you are truly outraged by the lack of last week's charts (presented after the break!), use these images to identify us and then punch us in the face.
I get hired to track down a lot of things. Money. Criminals. Dames. Sometimes it's all three rolled into one. The important thing is that these things are ... things. Things you can hold on to. Things you can rough up a little. Things you can press your lips up against in passionate embrace, only to have your heart shattered like a stack of porcelain plates frolicking on the train tracks.
And that's just the money.
What if the thing you're looking for is no thing at all? What if it's an idea or a feeling or a state of mind? How the hell was I gonna find missing humor? How the hell was I gonna crack this case?
ATTACHED EVIDENCE: SALES CHARTS FOR FEB. 19 - FEB. 25.
The weekly Japanese sales charts have arrived! It's an unremarkable week, notable only for the significant drops experienced by the current chart leaders, the DS Lite and the Wii. The PS3 continues to have a rough time while its portable sibling enjoys a small boost higher up in the charts.
With the European PS3 launch now a mere month away, Sony is surely looking to regain some lost traction in worldwide sales. Backwards compatibility outrages aside, wouldn't it be interesting to have a different dominant console in each major gaming market?
"Double you tea eff, Ludwig," you say. "It's Saturday! These charts are late! I demand an explanation, you wretched excuse for a human being!" And an explanation is just what you'll receive, one that is meticulously crafted to your exact specifications. Find it after the break and substitute as necessary.
4,321 (3.39%)
11,104 (18.93%)
We're not particularly fond of traditional corporate meetings. As a platform for communication, we find that a meeting frequently fails on multiple fronts, particularly the one that requires human beings to spit verbs at each other within, well, spitting distance. We much prefer the impersonal touch of an electronic network, though this is often unsuitable when a matter is of particularly urgency. Keiji Inafune's 
Lick your screen. Go on, do it. You'll find it to have a sort of artificial non-taste, with just a hint of static and dust. Incidentally, that's precisely what a DS sandwich tastes like, one freshly made from this week's Japanese sales charts. The sleeker DS Lite still reigns at the top while its older and comparatively obese sibling languishes at the bottom, slowly getting devoured by a seeping mustard menace. Which... would be the GBA, we guess. This paragraph doesn't make a lot of sense, we admit.
After a group of 
Hyperbole OFF:
Before your eyes 
There were many buttons typed to bring you this information, but it is a fate they gladly endure in order to keep you abreast of things abroad. This week's Japanese charts reveal that all is still well in the land of 
CASE FILE B-854, "THE ERA OF AN END"
"What if?" It's a question, albeit a lazily constructed one, that we here at Joystiq often enjoy asking. What if the PlayStation 3 was cheaper? What if the DS Lite was a miserable failure? What if human beings had balloon whisks for arms and flashlights for eyes and were forced to lead an existence composed entirely of unblinking and brightly lit baking? All important questions, though none as important as the one recently posed by the 
The weekly Japanese sales charts have arrived! It's an unremarkable week, notable only for the significant drops experienced by the current chart leaders, the DS Lite and the Wii. The PS3 continues to have a rough time while its portable sibling enjoys a small boost higher up in the charts. 
