The Sex Starved Marriage

Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure and to connect emotionally. But when it's bad, it can result in feelings of depression, anger, or even the disintegration of the relationship. AOL Love and Sex Coach, Michele Weiner Davis, author of "The Sex Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido," tells you what to do to revitalize your most intimate connection with your spouse.

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Straight Talk

It's never a good idea to confront your spouse every time you're unhappy. In healthy long-term marriages, couples learn how to choose their words and their battles. Explore the top one or two issues that are bothering you and preventing you from feelings of love and intimacy with your spouse. Then, risk sharing your feelings and speak your mind rationally. You'll feel better about yourself and your marriage.

Do What Works

No matter what kind of relationship problem you have, there are times in a marriage when things go more smoothly. And when they don't. Become a student of what's different when things are working -- laughter, kindness, romance. Ask yourself, "What was I doing at that time? What was my partner doing? How were we handling things differently as a couple?" Regardless of how you're feeling at the moment, start doing more of what works.

The Siren Solution

When you show your love for your spouse by placing more importance on your sexual relationship, even if you're out of practice or not feeling particularly sensual, you trigger a solution cycle. Your spouse becomes happier and more loving in return. And not surprisingly, when you start liking your spouse more and feel more attracted to him or her, it inspires your spouse to be even nicer back, and so on.

The Nike Solution

Just because you're not hungering for sex doesn't necessarily mean you have an arousal problem. For most people, sex is easy to enjoy sex once they get started. Ignore your inner voice that says, "Not now, I'm too tired," or "I'm too busy," and adopt Nike's slogan: Just do it. There's another reason to follow this advice. Some experts believe that when it comes to libido, people need to use it or lose it.

Embers versus Fireworks

Couples often flash back to the beginning of their relationship, when hormones were raging and yearning and passion was overwhelming. But long-haul sexuality is often inspired by fleeting images such as your husband playing with the kids, your wife dressed in heels, or perhaps a movie you found arousing. Rather than allow these kinds moments to go unnoticed, definitely heed and act on them.

Focus on the Exceptions

Like a hothouse flower, desire often grows under specific conditions. For some, it's rainy nights. For others, it's a long soak in a sauna while on vacation. There are also women who say they feel more amorous at different points of their menstrual cycle. Identify what gets your juices flowing, and take advantage of the moment. Better yet, create it yourself. If hot baths turn you on, turn on the faucet more often.

Know Thyself

Everyone is different, so you need to discover the uniqueness of your own sexuality. Become an expert on your own body, which means start experimenting. Watch sexy DVDs, or try lotions or toys. When you're making love, try different positions. See what feels best -- and then let your partner know. It's your responsibility to figure out what feels more exciting to you.

Act As If

If you want to feel more sexual, act more sexual. For many of us, that means thinking back to a time when you felt more sexual and then doing the very things you used to do. Take off those sensible shoes and dumpy khakis. Wiggle into sexy lingerie under a tight sweater or wrap dress. Try spritzing a new perfume behind your ears and below your clavicle.

Novelty

Newness is exciting. After you've been together for a while, sex often becomes routine. And routine is boring. If you're doing the same things in the same order over and over again, you probably won't feel stimulated. You might not reach orgasm. You can improve things by changing the way you approach lovemaking. Be creative and push yourself to keep an open mind. You may surprise yourself -- and your spouse.

The Seesaw Effect

Like paying the bills or emptying the washer, some couples designate sexual responsibilities. Problem is, the more one person is "in charge," the easier it is for the other to sit back and wait. Don't wait too long. The more highly-sexed partner can become so upset or defeated, that he may believe you don't love him anymore and become involved in an affair. Rediscover your passion for your spouse before it's too late.

Just Say When

There will be times when you simply don't feel like having sex. But instead of just saying no or "I'm too tired," which can feel like a flat-out rejection, offer an alternative. Try telling your spouse, "I'm exhausted. But if you wait until I catch a nap, I'd love to fool around then." Or, "Let's hold off until the kids to go to sleep." You don't want rebuff your spouse without showing that you care.

Give a Gift

Even if you're not in the mood, you can show your love to your spouse by doing something that would please her sexually. This doesn't mean pretending to be aroused or doing something that makes you uncomfortable. It simply means showing some enthusiasm. Tell your spouse you want to please her and ask what she'd like for you to do. Then do it. There's nothing wrong with being a giving sexual partner.

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