TV Dinners

1. First, decorate your surroundings in blue and more blue. You'll need candles, smoke-machines and wave upon wave of giant revolving searchlights until your kitchen resembles a cross between an 80s pop video and a Nazi rally.

2. The aperitif is a half-baked oaf known as Dermot O'Dreary. Remove all traces of zest until what remains is a completely bland lump with all the taste of a telesales executive or shop assistant at Next.

3. Next, frantically whip up the audience of morons into a frenzy of American-flavoured whooping and hollering.

4. Now comes your dish's main ingredient - a deliciously witty, mean pig called Simon. This should be complemented by a tiny piece of plastic-coated skin and bone from Australia. Keep moist by drizzling regularly with tears.

5. Add in a sour old trout and a bitter little tart called Louis that will unfortunately repeat on you.

6. You can get everything else you need by scraping the barrel in any Butlins, cruise-liner, karaoke bar or stage school. Toss in a stomach-turning, gurning brother-and-sister combo, five ultrafrothy Sugababes and a poor man's Gareth Gates you can find in any cheap supermarket (opening it).

7. Sprinkle in a modicum of talent in the shape of Rhydian, a mixture of Rutger Hauer and Billy Idol with a twist of Mr Whippy ice-cream.

8. Add two spoonfuls of guff involving personal heartbreak and several dozen fawning comments from the judges telling the contestants and themselves how yummy they all are.

9. Choke on the realisation that Rhydian is about to become a major celebrity.

· Jim Shelley is the TV critic of the Mirror.