OCD Archives: The Post's Annual Turkey Awards, 2000-2001

Published: 11/23/2000
THANKSGIVING TURKEYS - THESE CINEMATIC STINKERS ARE FOR THE BIRDS
HOLLYWOOD has produced enough turkeys this year to feed a small nation - many of them stuffed with some of Hollywood's biggest names.
While there are fewer than a handful of Oscar-worthy pictures at this point, there's such been a bountiful crop of cinematic stinkers that it's really hard to pick the 10 worst - even with more than a month to go.

* "Lucky Numbers" - It's hard to make a movie less rewarding to sit through than the ludicrous "Battlefield Earth," but a lethargic John Travolta managed that awesome feat with this witless farce. "Battlefield" had a lot more laughs (if unintentional) than Nora Ephron's alleged comedy about a Lotto scam, whose main characters seem to have a combined IQ of 50.
* "Get Carter" - Forgotten but unfortunately not gone, Hollywood dinosaur Sylvester Stallone stank up the screen as a mob leg-breaker in this muddled and mind-numbing remake of a 1971 Michael Caine classic. It was ominously accompanied by trailers for the ex-Rocky's next film, "Driven," which looks even worse.
* "Titan AE" - It cost $90 million and featured big-star voices (Matt Damon, Drew Barrymore), but this incredibly ugly and annoying animated film was basically a bad '70s Saturday-morning cartoon writ way too large.
* "The Beach" - Leonardo DiCaprio's long-awaited follow-up to "Titanic" was a titanic dud, at least in this country. He went overboard as a pretty Ugly American who moves into a remote Asian paradise peopled by obnoxious Eurotrash.
* "Duets" - Golden Girl Gwyneth Paltrow got tarnished by this feeble, '70s-style road comedy directed by her father, Bruce. Her off-key warbling of "Bette Davis Eyes" might be played in heavy rotation if the ATF ever wants to re-stage the Waco standoff.
* "Bless the Child" - "Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2" was pretty rank, but for sheer cheesiness, it couldn't top this dopey "Exorcist" knockoff starring an expressionless Kim Basinger in a follow-up to her other summer disaster, the nightmarish "I Dreamed of Africa."
* "Pay It Forward" - This tearjerker assaulted audiences with characters who were a walking compendium of social problems - alcoholism, spousal abuse, parental abuse, everything except bad scriptwriting. This is Hollywood at its most self-righteous, with scarcely a believable moment - quite a feat in a movie starring Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osment.
* "Down to You" - Even in a year filled with appalling teen date movies ("Gossip," "Loser," "The In Crowd," "Whatever it Takes"), this one stands out, thanks to Freddie Prinze Jr., who's an even lamer argument for higher education here than he is in "Boys and Girls."

* "Reindeer Games" - This dismal would-be Christmas release finally washed up in February, complete with a bored Ben Affleck and the corpses of casino robbers dressed in Santa suits. Ho, ho, ho.
* "Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas" - Sure, it grossed $55 million last week, but has there been a more sorry-looking and leaden children's fantasy since "Santa Claus: The Movie"? Personally, I'd rather endure a week of turkey leftovers than sit through 45 minutes of a rubber-suited Jim Carrey ad-libbing with a dog.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Published: 11/22/2001
TINSELTOWN TURKEYS - FEAST YOUR EYES ON OUR MENU OF FORGETTABLE FILM FLOPS
ONCE again, Hollywood has produced a crop of turkeys this year - many of them stuffed with some of Tinseltown's biggest names and garnished with tens of millions of wasted dollars.
Annoying apes, mundane mummies, Angelina Jolie's padded mammaries - things were so bad that Freddie Prinze Jr.'s two annual celluloid stinkers ("Heads Over Heels," "Summer Catch") didn't even make the list this year.
Sadly, audiences gobbled up some of these fiascoes - at least on opening weekends.
Grab a plate - here's our list of Thanksgiving turkeys:

* "Pearl Harbor": May 25 is a date that will live in infamy. That's when this bloated $120 million epic landed in theaters, stunning one and all with its interminable, historically dubious re-creation of the 1941 attack. Ben Affleck was merely boring as the flyboy lead; Jon Voight was epically bad as a waxworks version of FDR.
* "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider": Voight was in this dud, too, playing dad to real-life daughter Angelina Jolie, who strapped on hip holsters and a Wonderbra - but forgot to pack an intelligible script for this adaptation of a video game that mercifully failed to establish a franchise.
* "The Mummy Returns": Speaking of unintelligible scripts, this blustering sequel neglected to include any kind of coherent story amid its two hours of not-so-special effects.
* "Planet of the Apes": Another failed attempt at a franchise, this highly anticipated flub was the year's most pointless remake. Terrible script, aimless direction (by the normally reliable Tim Burton), confused performances (Mark Wahlberg, et al.) and a ridiculous climax, cribbed from a Kevin Smith comic book, added up to an Excedrin headache.
* "Captain Corelli's Mandolin": Cheese wasn't limited to popcorn fare this summer. Penelope Cruz and Nicolas Cage sported egregious accents (Italian and Greek, respectively) in this mawkish version of a British best-seller about a World War II romance, directed without distinction by the overrated John Madden ("Shakespeare in Love").
* "3000 Miles to Graceland" and "Swordfish": Ultra-violent escapism has never been as tedious as in these two noisy and brainless epics, which represented career low points for Kevin Costner and John Travolta, respectively. Quite an accomplishment for the stars of "The Postman" and "Battlefield Earth."
* "Freddy Got Fingered": Arguably the worst movie ever released by a major studio. MTV celebrity Tom Green was permitted to direct himself in this horror of an alleged comedy in which he memorably swings a bloody fetus over his head.

* "Town and Country": Three years and countless re-edits later, this $80 million mistake finally landed with a dull thud. How could anyone make a romantic comedy with Warren Beatty, Goldie Hawn and Diane Keaton that doesn't work on any level? Director Peter Chelsom somehow pulled it off, with yawns to spare.
* "Glitter": Mariah Carey's pitiful screen debut was a sort of brain-dead "A Star Is Born." Besides lots of unintentional laughs, it provided the punch line for the best joke about Osama bin Laden ("He's hiding in a deserted place - a theater showing 'Glitter' ").
* "Scary Movie 2": What's frightening is that they're talking about another sequel to this truly sorry attempt to wring out a few bucks. No wonder Marlon Brando, who was to have played a cameo, got sick. He must have read the script.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.