Preramble Hello. The concept of the big Friday night in may seem oxymoronic, but then longstanding cliches are powerless to resist the force of Ashes cricket. Any pub worth its salt will be totally empty at 11.29pm, its discerning clientele having all done one en masse (either that or the blinds and the big screen will come down, the bolts will go on the doors, the ashtrays will come out and the night's play will be watched through a cloud of smoke so thick that you can't see your own nose, never mind Simon Katich's). Social obligations cannot compete with this, a night of monstrous importance. It's entirely conceivable that, by 7am tomorrow morning, we will know who is going to win the match; and it's entirely conceivable that whoever wins the match will win the series, given that no team has come from behind to even draw an Ashes series in Australia since the 1960s.
If England are to win this match and series and thus conquer the entire known universe, they will have to do so in unusual circumstances. All four of their Test victories in this current era of competitive Ashes cricket effectively occurred on the second day, when they put enough runs and wickets (particularly the latter) in the bank to cover the inevitable hard times as they contemplated the scariest thing of all: that picture of Andy Bull in today's Guardian beating Australia.
Edgbaston 2005 England 407 & 25-1; Australia 308
Trent Bridge 2005 England 477; Australia 99-5
Lord's 2009 England 425; Australia 156-8
The Oval 2009 England 332 & 58-3; Australia 160
This time the game is so deliciously poised that nobody really knows who's winning, and for England that means an extremely severe test of their mental strength. Australia will resume on 220 for five, 40 runs adrift. Thanks to a piece of timing that could have been made for or demanded by TV, play was called off last night after precisely 80 overs - so this morning England's bowlers will have fresh minds, fresh legs, and most importantly of all a fresh red cherry.
James Anderson bowled quite splendidly yesterday with an oldish ball, and could do real damage this morning. He looked less the "pussy" to whom Justin Langer once disparagingly referred and more like a grown-up tiger, with fangs and claws, a man who deserves to be in the top five of the ICC Test bowling rankings. Forget all that gloryboy stuff, hooping it round corners and detonating off or middle stump in favourable conditions**: this was a really impressive, disciplined performance in circumstances that demanded some seriously hard yakka.
Anderson wasn't the man of the day, however. That was Michael Hussey. Mister. Bloody. Cricket. He played a supreme counter-attacking innings at a time when there was all sorts going on at the other end, and branded Graeme Swann psychologically. Hussey will resume on 81 not out, and if he and Brad Haddin - who showed that dashing Aussie wicketkeepers can change their spots with a very responsible 22 not out from 71 balls, one of the slowest innings of his Test career - get past the new ball, Australia could build a decisive lead. In short, anything could happen. Who needs to be out on a Friday night?
* Though it's equally conceivable that the contest will continue to snake and ladder in the manner that led Scyld Berry, certainly the most original and almost certainly the sharpest thinker in most cricket press boxes, to consider the possibility of another Brisbane tied Test.
** Although we'd quite like some of that gloryboy stuff with the new ball today please if that's okay? Nice one.
As you probably know, play will start at 11.30pm English time, half an hour early, to make up some of the time we lost yesterday.
The journey in for an overnight OBO can often be a nightmare. All those losers on the piss again. I remember one particularly grim evening in 2005. But Kings Cross seemed calm tonight. No modern romance in dark alleyways; nobody taking the long route home by walking drunkenly in a perfect circle for 20 minutes before realising where they are, or rather aren't. Maybe everyone was rushing home for a big night in, I don't know. Feel free to send in hilariously drunken emails, littered with typos, that will shame you for the rest of your days let us know how your Friday night went: how you embarrassed yourself, who you won't be making eye contact with for the foreseeable, and so on. Did you drink and dial? Quaff and tweet? Swig and soliloquise?
Andy Flower is again absent from the Gabba today after the removal of a cancerous lesion. He should return tomorrow. Our very best wishes go to him. He is, you don't need us to tell you, a remarkably impressive man in so many ways. Tony Soprano would like Andy Flower, or at the very least respect him, and that's high praise round these parts (well, in my brain).
81st over: Australia 220-5 (Hussey 81, Haddin 22) England take the new ball immediately, and here comes James Anderson. His first ball is a good one, darting away from outside off stump. There are three slips and discernible swing, which will encourage England. Haddin defends solidly, one drive excepted, and it's a maiden. Anderson's figures are Ambrosesque: 22-11-40-2. "Right," says Stuart Bulloch, "Ms Optimism has sat provocatively on my lap, I have Peroni and I've got my cat addicted to Pickled Onion Monster Munch. Let's roll. Wickets please Rob. PS. The cat said no to Flamin' Hot."
82nd over: Australia 221-5 (Hussey 81, Haddin 22) It's Stuart Broad at the other end, as you'd expect. Haddin is beaten by a good delivery early on, and then slams a drive to mid-off when Broad pitches one up. That's the length, even if it brings the risk of going for a few boundaries. "I, unlike most of the drunkards out there tonight, am actually working," says James Pole. "DJing in a bar in Manchester till 2am. Couldn't find a stream on my laptop that I'm pretending to DJ off so I'll be following the Guardian's OBO like I did through my days at uni. Yes, I've got a degree. And the best job I can get?? Shit bar DJ. Brilliant." Don't DJs always get the girls? Like in High Fidelity. Anyway, play some Smith Westerns for them, Mr DJ, put a bit of jauntiness in their life. They'll be so drunk they won't know it from Carl Cox, so you'll be fine.
83rd over: Australia 222-5 (Hussey 82, Haddin 23) On Sky, Nasser Hussain laments England's length, which has been a touch short thus far. "Maybe they believe more in the cracks." If anyone knows about cracks, it's Nasser. And then Hussey survives on review, having originally been given out. BAH. What a big moment this is. He was pinned in front of leg stump by a good delivery from Anderson that moved back into him, but he called for the review instantly and there was always a doubt as to whether it pitched outside leg. Replays showed it did, but only just. That was so tight.
84th over: Australia 225-5 (Hussey 83, Haddin 23) A rare piece of shoddy glovework from Prior, who fails to claim a short one from Broad and thus concedes two byes. Broad then jags one back into Haddin, who jams his bat down just in time. "I am currently in Oslo (for work)," says Caroline Cowan. "It is freezing and I have been chatted up by two of the tallest guys I've ever seen. And I'm no short a***e myself at 6'1". I am now having a dilemma. Do I stay up for a while to put myself through the emotional wringer that is the Ashes Or do I do the sensible thing and go to bed so I can go sightseeing tomorrow? The next couple if months are going to be full of such difficult decisions." Enough of that*: I want to know what word 'a***e' refers to. Do you put an extra S so as to really enunciate it? Shortarsse?
* Stay up you fool. This is the only emotional wringer in town!
85th over: Australia 227-5 (Hussey 83, Haddin 23) Hussey has been very busy this morning, stealing a completely of sharp singles and generally looking like a man who won't be dictated to. He almost gets in trouble then, trying to leave outside off but then steering it to slip on the bounce via the face of the bat. Anderson is bowling well, Hussey is playing well. Who will blink first? "I understand the basis of premise that Tony Soprano would like Andy Flower," says Marie Meyer. "However, would he ever be able to wrap his head around the idea of a white guy from Zimbabwe? I think not. Although he would probably generate some amusing dialogue on the subject." Fair point. Uncle Ben's!
86th over: Australia 227-5 (Hussey 83, Haddin 23) Broad hasn't been quite on it thus far, but then he produces a superb delivery, full and jagging past the outside edge of Haddin. "That's the length!" implores Nasser Hussain on Sky. And then he so nearly gets Haddin with another full delivery that induced a sliced drive low towards Pietersen at backward point. I thought he'd got it at first, because Pietersen fielded the ball and then started running as if in celebration, but in fact it had bounced a fraction short. "As one of the few who haven't fallen victim to your Friday night minefield (no, I've not even mailed an ex), how on earth do you even know about Smith Westerns?" asks Julian Menz. "For the love of all that is sacred." I was going to argue that I'm hip and cool and thus aware of all the trending popular beat combos, but that bloody picture in yesterday's Guardian has shattered an image I'd spent literally seconds building up.
87th over: Australia 229-5 (Hussey 85, Haddin 23) England are getting closer and closer to a wicket. Anderson has huge shouts for LBW against Hussey turned down from consecutive deliveries, but England have no reviews. The first pitched just outside leg and was going over the top, but the second was a great shout. It came back sharply to Hussey, who was only saved by two noises and the perception of an inside edge. Except replays suggested the two noises were the sound of pad on pad, and showed nothing to suggest an inside edge. I am almost certain that would have been given out on review. That was out, basically, and England are really unlucky because they probably lost a review because of an incorrect decision yesterday (admittedly an entirely understandable decision, given the available technology). A brilliant over from Anderson.
88th over: Australia 229-5 (Hussey 85, Haddin 23) This is great stuff, and I can hardly keep up with it. A maiden from Broad to Haddin. "Re: the review system, the image of the ball appears to be the same size as the ball, which cannot be right as only a small section of the ball kisses the turf," says Gary Naylor, losing me at 're:'. "Hence, the "pitching outside" element of the UDRS favours the bowler. That's why the Hussey Review looked closer than it felt on first sight."
89th over: Australia 230-5 (Hussey 86, Haddin 24) This is a fantastic spell from Anderson, and the last ball of his over cuts Haddin completely in half. It moved back a long way, but bounced over the stumps as Haddin went for a big yahoo. "Australia all out for 332," says Robin George. "England to finish the day 246-5. Trust me, the first ever day's cricket my Dad took me too was an Ashes test at the Oval in 1989. I was 13, very scared of Merv Hughes, BUT cleaned all my Dad's mates out of their money on the 'predict the lunch time and tea scores' game. Now I feel obliged to take him to the cricket every year so whilst I won, I lost." In fairness, predicting the scores in that astonishingly depressing summer of 1989 wasn't that difficult. Basically, it was like the rule of three, but for cricket: think of a par score on any given pitch, treble it for Australia and divide it by three for England.
90th over: Australia 233-5 (Hussey 88, Haddin 24) Finn replaces Broad, whose figures are a Walshesque 24-5-44-0. As a child of the 1980s, I could read economical bowling figures all day. I think I know who's winning. Finn has a very big shout for LBW against Haddin with his third delivery. Instinct was that it was going over, and replays confirmed it. A good decision from Billy Doctrove, and you can't always say that at 12.12am. "Thought you might be interested in what's coming up at the HiFi club in Brisbane," says Sky's Paul King, the man who sent the universe on an entirely different path when he introduced Bumble to The Fall. "Who will draw the bigger crowd I wonder – Doves or The Mighty Fall?" I assume there's a team outing to watch You Am I tonight.
91st over: Australia 237-5 (Hussey 88, Haddin 25) Anderson beats the driving Hussey outside off and has the exasperated look of a man who would like to land a vigorous right-hander on Dame Fortune, were she a bloke rather than a dame. Two balls later he beats him with a regal lifting leg-cutter. What an utterly preposterous jaffa that was. You'd have struggled to CGI a delivery so good. Even Don Bradman wouldn't have nicked that it was so good. England have had no luck this morning. "Hello Rob," says Ben Meakin, getting the niceties out of the way so that he go off on an admittedly legitimate one. "Re: that lbw on Hussey, what's really irritating is that they lost their last review on a caught-behind decision that Snicko later showed should have been out. Bloody hell."
92nd over: Australia 241-5 (Hussey 88, Haddin 29) The Sky chaps are talking about the cracks, which are getting wider and wider. That's great news for England, especially with two tall fast bowlers. On Sky, Beefy recalls a game in Perth where "you could actually stand your bat in the crack". Remember that game in 1996-97, when Curtly Ambrose ran riot and prompted the brilliant headline 'The Fissure King'? Haddin is beaten by a good one from Finn and then scorches a cover-drive that is brilliantly fielded by Collingwood. Haddin can't go through the covers so instead he goes down the ground, driving handsomely for four. This is wonderful, cerebral cricket, so here's Mac Millings to bring things down a notch. "Re: Gary Naylor's insightful comments (88th over), a small section of my ball once kissed the turf, but it was enough of it to bloody hurt."
Drinks Oof. There were 21 runs in 12 overs, with no wickets, yet that was as exhausting and riveting an hour as you could wish for.
93rd over: Australia 242-5 (Hussey 89, Haddin 30) Hussey employs Geoff Boycott's favourite tactic by getting a single and thus playing Anderson from the bowler's end. Anderson then has a strangled appeal for LBW against Haddin, as much to keep up the ratio of an LBW appeal every over this morning. It was going down leg. A misfield from Broad at mid-off gives Haddin a single, and that brings up the century partnership. They have ridden their luck this morning, Hussey in particular, but both have played very well. "There is a theory that we exist in one of an almost infinite set of parallel universes, each fulfilling one possible way in which things might pan out (you know, the Sliding Doors make-the-tube, miss-the-tube scenario)," says Lynn Bashforth. "So how come we are in the one where Attack Leader Anderson does NOT have a wicket yet??" Can I phone a friend? Do I have a friend? An acquaintance?
94th over: Australia 250-5 (Hussey 89, Haddin 37) That's a good shot from Haddin, who waits for a short one from Finn and guides it between slip and gully for four. Finn goes wider on the crease and Haddin leans into a nice cover-drive that brings three runs, and with the 250. There is just the first slight sense that England – through no fault of their own – have missed their moment with the new ball and may now have to look to Graeme Swann. "My housemate just nipped in to ask why, on a Friday night, I am sitting on my own in my room with a dodgy TMS link and half a bottle of a dubiously sweet liqueur called Amarguinha, cursing England's luck and my high hopes," says Terri Loska. "My reply that 'this is wonderful, cerebral cricket' did not, apparently, answer his question." Maybe if you'd belched as well?
95th over: Australia 257-5 (Hussey 90, Haddin 42) Having paid his dues with first the match situation (yesterday) and then the new ball (today), Haddin is now starting to enjoy himself and drives Anderson's first ball thrillingly over mid-off for four.
This man is a dangerous customer. Another misfield, this time from Finn at mid-on, costs England another run. That was Anderson's eighth over of the morning, and that will probably be his lot for now. If so, it's been a wonderful spell of bowling: 8-2-14-0. "Is there anything less threatening, apart from us, than Jimmy's aggression?" asks Alex Netherton.
96th over: Australia 258-5 (Hussey 91, Haddin 42) Haddin misses a big cut shot at Finn, who has probably been the loosest of the England bowlers this morning. (These things are relative.) "In the pub, open fire, widescreen TV, naively optimistic and now covered in beer after that earlier referral," says Robert Jenkins. "Aside from the decision, do the Ashes get better than this? Anyone in south London looking for it on TV should hit the Alex by Clapham Common, awesome atmosphere."
97th over: Australia 260-5 (Hussey 92, Haddin 43) Anderson does come off and is replaced by Broad. I would have gone to Swann, but you can't really argue either way. A couple of quick singles bring Australia level with England. It's imperative England keep their first-innings deficit down to two figures. "Feeding off the crack in the pitch is one thing," says Ian Copestake, "but the bowlers look like they're already on speed."
98th over: Australia 269-5 (Hussey 92, Haddin 52) Haddin is starting to look very dangerous, and belabours a cut stroke off Finn for four to take the Aussies into the lead. The next ball is fuller and driven for four to bring up an extremely good fifty: mature and two-paced. The first 25 runs took 111 balls, the second 25 just 23. "Caroline (84th over) should go with both the characters who are chatting her up," says John Starbuck, "on condition that they sort out her Ashes feed for the night." Who says romance is dead? How does the Pulp song go? I know you won't, believe it's true, I went with him because I wanted to watch some wonderful, cerebral cricket.
99th over: Australia 269-5 (Hussey 92, Haddin 52) Haddin drives Broad right back into the stumps at the bowler's end. He is hitting it beautifully now - so, yes, you do have a permission to haemmorhage hope. Saying which, he drags an inside edge back into the pads and not far wide of the stumps off Broad. "I've now seen Australia score 116 without seeing a wicket, which is disappointing," says Jo Davis, with interesting use of the word 'disappointing'. "However, there must be someone out there who is now none for 194 (I think) having just given up on the opening partnership yesterday to get a bit of sleep, and woken up at 143 for five. Whoever you are, p**(*)s off to bed now - cos another hour of you and this one's gone."
100th over: Australia 274-5 (Hussey 97, Haddin 52) Graeme Swann comes on, and you know what that means: a calculated assault from Mike Hussey, nervous nineties or no nervous nineties. He charges the second ball and dumps it over mid-off for four, an outstanding piece of batting that is worth a helluva lot more than four runs, just like that six in Swann's first post-lunch over yesterday was worth plenty more. It's brave cricket at the best of times, even more so when you consider Swann's record in the first over of a spell. "Strauss needs to think on about his body language," says Phil Sawyer. "The three seamers have been bowling superb line and length. He needs to encourage them to keep doing the same, not stand there sucking his lips looking like he's ruing all the decisions that have gone against them (understandable though it is). The mood of a team is lead by the mood of the captain. Keep up this pressure and the wickets will come." This is all true, salient even, but what hell kinda crazy serious Phil Sawyer email is this? Ah, this next one from the same man is more like it. "In answer to Alex Netherton (95th over), yes there is. Finn trying to look aggressive. He ends up looking like he's just smelt a particularly nasty fart." I hadn't thoughtr about this England attack's generally niceness. You could take their all home to meet your Mum and she'd love them (well, not if you were going out with all three of them at the same time. She'd probably frown on that, unless she was one of t- let's not go there). Has there ever been a prettier pack of fast bowlers? They are not exactly this mob, are they?
101st over: Australia 280-5 (Hussey 102, Haddin 52) Michael Hussey cover-drives Broad delightfully for four to reach a fantastic century, fluent yesterday and dogged today. This means so much to him: he crouches, clenching his fist furiously, then raises both hands before letting rip a simple "WOOOO!" and embracing Brad Haddin. What a lovely moment this is for one of cricket's good guys. He was under huge pressure before the match, and Australia were under huge pressure when he came to the crease, but he countered both of those - and had the nerve to go after Graeme Swann in a way that may resonate throughout the series. It's his first century since that infamous Test against Pakistan earlier in the year, only his third in the last two years, and his 12th overall. It has also pushed his Test average back over 50. In other news, I can pay this next email no lower compliment than to say that it could easily have come from Mac Millings. "At work overseas," says Paddy Murray. "Thought I would confuse the missus with a text. 'Spent all last night OBOing'. 'At your age, you'll go blind!' was her reply. Was she right?"
102nd over: Australia 286-5 (Hussey 104, Haddin 56) It hasn't happened for Swann yet. "Funny Rob," says Eamonn Maloney. "I met a minx down the pub last night who was an extremely good, mature, two-paced 50."
103rd over: Australia 293-5 (Hussey 105, Haddin 62) Haddin hooks Broad emphatically for four, and for the first time England look just a little ragged. The longer these two bat, the greater the chance of Mitchell Johnson Babe Ruthing them towards oblivion. There is a horrible history of Australian lower-order batsmen slugging a tiring England side all over the place: Fleming, Reiffel and Geoff Lawson. Remember Lord's 1989? The parallels are a little worrying. At the end of day two, Australia were 276 for six in reply to England's 286. They just about got a first-innings lead. "In response to Jo (99th over), I'm that person," says Damo Hollingsworth. "I'm yet to see an Aussie wicket fall. But as an ex-pat living in London who has just seen Huss bring up his century I'm searching for the espresso machine." Lovely story, Damo. Good lad. Could you just email your address? We'd like to send a gang of heavies over to kick seven bells out of every coffee machine within a five-mile radius interview you for a piece on Aussies living in England during the Ashes. Or something.
104th over: Australia 299-5 (Hussey 110, Haddin 62) Hopelessly short from Swann, and Hussey pulls him handsomely for four. The runs are coming very quickly now. Swann is really struggling - three overs for 17 so far, more Richard Dawson than Jim Laker - and so much of that is down to the hurt Hussey put on him right from the start. No praise is too high for the way he has played Swann. Who says bullying can't be admirable? "Any point in staying up Rob?" says Clare Davies. "Boycs tells us that whoever wins on Friday wins the match and the series. We might as well give up now." I always half suspected that Sir Geoffrey didn't know what day it is; now we have proof.
105th over: Australia 306-5 (Hussey 110, Haddin 70) Bah department: Brad Haddin has been dropped by Alastair Cook! It was the very first ball from the new bowler Paul Collingwood, and Haddin drove it very high back whence it came. Cook charged after it from mid-off, but couldn't hold on to a difficult, diving two-handed chance. He only just got his fingertips on it in the end. It was a really hard chance, but I can think of a few fielders around the world who would have taken it. Haddin gets it right two balls later, dismissing a length delivery from Collingwood imperiously over midwicket for four. England desperately need not only a wicket but also control: they've conceded 37 from the last six overs.
106th over: Australia 307-5 (Hussey 110, Haddin 71) "I have told a number of people tonight that I won't sleep until we've bowled Australia out," says Kat Petersen. "I am a little worried that I will run out of caffeine / sugar / electricity before that happens." At this rate I'd be worried about running out of breath before it happens.
107th over: Australia 308-5 (Hussey 110, Haddin 72) Collingwood continues. There's still half an hour to lunch in this extended morning session, but England look like a team in need of some of Betty's hotpot, or whatever cricketers eat for lunch these days. A good off-cutter rams into Hatton's thigh, but it was too high and so the LBW appeal was strangled. One from the over, so at least England have quietened things down a bit in these last two overs. "Do you think that, as a bowler, you'd get put off by Matt Prior's fawning words of encouragement?" asks Scott W. "They are a bit hammy. 'Oh, good ball, Swanny, what a start, mate' - after an extremely ordinary delivery. (Imagine if Prior talked this way about other people's haircuts. No-one would ring him before going out would they? They'd barely add him on Facebook.) Or are memories of Shane Warne in his pomp still so vivid that, by a trick of the light, it seems as if Adam Gilchrist was the secret of his success?" That naff Ricky Gervais film where nobody lies would work quite well in this context.
108th over: Australia 311-5 (Hussey 111, Haddin 74) Hussey is dropped by Prior. Well, sort of. He chopped a ball from Swann that was too close for the shot, and it flew off the edge and straight on to Prior's pad before he had chance to react, never mind say "Oh, good ball, Swanny, darn tough luck there".
109th over: Australia 312-5 (Hussey 111, Haddin 75) After that little spell of hitting, Australia seem fairly happy to play for lunch now. England certainly are, so Collingwood hurries through another over for just a single. "The doom is here, I have to work back," Mementos Tim Woollias. "Could they be 500-5? surely not; 450-5? very unlikely, 400-5? yes, but they'd need to put on over 250, so there must be a wicket soon mustn't there, just one wicket, it's all I need, just one would sort me out, can you get me a wicket Rob? I'd pay you, I just need a wicket." You sound like Mark Renton. I just need one more wicket, you F"!@$%^£!@£@$£R$WRE£WR .
110th over: Australia 313-5 (Hussey 111, Haddin 76) The milking of Graeme Swann continues. One from the over. At least England have control, because boy did they need it. "Typical," says Ben Jackson. I know, overnight I really thought we might win this ga- "I've been working in Oslo for the last month and the one weekend I decide to have a break in Stockholm, a seemingly eligible OBO-reading female advertises her availability. At 6'6" I reckon I'd rival them for height as well. Tonight really couldn't get more depressing." What is it with all these tall men? Who do you think you are, Andy Carroll?
111th over: Australia 315-5 (Hussey 111, Haddin 78) The 974th near miss of the session, with Haddin driving Collingwood this far short of Anderson in that daft mid-on position just off the cut strip at the bowler's end. England have been desperately unlucky this morning. "Bianca: rickeeeeeeeeeeeh," begins Matt Farrell. "107th over: You mentioned Hatton not Haddin. Gis a job."
112th over: Australia 328-5 (Hussey 123, Haddin 78) Anderson returns for a two-over spell before lunch. Hussey takes a couple off each of his first two deliveries and then top-edges a whirling pull stroke miles over the slips for four. For heaven's sake. Anderson abuses Hussey, who looks him up and down, says nothing and then back cuts expertly for four to make it 10 from the over. Man he has played well. So has Haddin, and their partnership is now a mighty 184. Shades of the No5 and the No7 on this ground in the opening Ashes Test of 1998-99. England needed a biblical thunderstorm to avoid defeat in that game. They may need something even more powerful than that - the batting of Ian Ronald Bell - to do so here. "Made excuses and didn't join friends and colleagues on night out, deciding instead to follow third day's play," says Yemon Choi, as the Family Fortunes survey computer thing casts its judgement on his decision. "Thought about trying to explain the masochistic reasons for doing this, but am increasingly unsure I can justify it even to myself. Can't see any of the play here, but it sounds like Hussey has more than blunted England's attack this morning -- YC, feeling he may need WINE by the lunch break."
113th over: Australia 329-5 (Hussey 124, Haddin 79) Two singles from Collingwood's over. "I'm so beyond pain I feel quite optimistic," weeps Ian Copestake. "We are, as Boycott's optimistic brother (the one he keeps locked in a cellar) would say, only a hatrick away from being on top."
114th over: Australia 329-5 (Hussey 124, Haddin 79) Anderson charges in, but Hussey is solid and only a fit of the giggles gets me and Bull through that last over. "This is ridiculous – which of the team do you reckon smashed a mirror, walked under a ladder and ran over a black cat this morning," says Lizzy Ammon. "I suspect the latter was probably Swanny." None of them did that. Word is they did something much worse: they dissed Martin McCague and Duncan Spencer. What I would give to watch those two bowl now. The greatest new-ball pair England never had.
Here's another email, a really tragic one but what the hell. "I know you're above petty OBO rivalries," lies Joe Meredith, "but when Robert Jenkins was published earlier, he passed me his phone with a smug 'one-nil'. He is now at home with his crumpet. I am at home eating crumpets. Pity equaliser?" In a reverse of European football rules, home emails count double in the event of a draw, so you're 2-1 up.
Anyway, that's lunch. Australia lead by 69 after an extended session that was thrilling, dispiriting and heartwarming, often in the same Mac Millings email. Thanks for all the emails, many of which I've still not had time to read. England aren't out of this - a deficit of 99 is just about manageable - but they need five wickets quicksmart after lunch. Andy Bull will be here for that. You can email him here.
I'll leave you with this from Steve Hudson.
Everyone, we are bowling well, they bat last, our batters are ok and this is NOT all over. We cool.
LUNCH
Afternoon everyone. Sky are showing a re-run of the first Ashes Test from 1994, Martin McCague and all - "sixteen off the over so far from McCague" seems a typical piece of commentary - It has cheered Rob up at any rate. He's chuckling away obscenely as Slater hits McCague to all parts. For the rest of us English folk though, it is all looking a little bleak right now. "I'm watching in Cleveland OH on a quite good feed via Pakistan," writes Mark Elliott "The downside/upside is it has the Aussie commentary, and they showed the result of a poll where 17% of Australians think England are favourites to win this match. Is there a parallel Aussie OBO filled with terminal pessimists, or is that just the percentage of Australians who are already too pissed up at lunch time to press the right button?" Defeatist Australians? They're a little like nice South Africans aren't they? Few and far between.
Graeme Swann's pitchmap to Mike Hussey. Hawk-Eye
Here is Swann's pitchmap to Mike Hussey., courtesy of Hawk-Eye. Just look at that little cluster of boundary balls back of a length. Hussey has batted brilliantly against Swann. He's been merciless on anything that was a little too short.
Look! It's our old friend Anus McGuigan. I know I know. But he insists that's his name. "Dear Sky, I believe I may have written to you in the past, being a big fan of your drama series "The Cricket". The current "Ashes" episodes see our heroes once again pitted in a tough scenario against the bad guys from the fictional former penal colony on "the other side of the world".
But today's episode, given the frankly bizarre scheduling, is testing even a die-hard "The Cricket" fan like me. After the success of "Siddle" and his hat-trick storyline (don't know the actor's name, but he plays the blockhead henchman character superbly), and yesterday's teasing events, the plot is now meandering irrevocably towards "Ponting" and his goons.
I assume the script writers have a trick up their sleeves, but at this time of night, I sometimes wish they'd stick to the basics (a wicket or two in every session).
Best wishes,
Anus
PS Congrats on the triumphant Pakistan story in the summer. Not up everyone's street, but it was gripping nonetheless. Got a feeling those guys will be back in the story soon!"
If the last session didn't decide the match, this one just might.
115th over: Australia 330-5 (Hussey 124, Haddin 80) Swann will take the first over after lunch, with Haddin on strike. He only bowls one ball before he turns to Aleem Dar to have a quick grumble about the state of the ball. He's chancing his arm, of course, and Dar is having none of it. Swann starts with a tight line, hugging off stump. He drifts his fourth ball out a little wider and watches it break back onto Haddin's pads. Swann cries 'catchit!' No one does.
116th over: Australia 330-5 (Hussey 124, Haddin 80) James Anderson starts at the other end, pushing the ball out wide of off. England are going to play a patient game this afternoon, forcing the batsmen to stretch for the ball if they want to score runs. Their bowling coach, David Saker, is an advocate of attritional cricket in these situations.
117th over: Australia 332-5 (Hussey 125, Haddin 81) "Gah!" scoffs Andy Buckley as Hussey pushes a single out to the off side. "An extremely unlucky England attack against an under fire Aussie batsman, who then goes on to make a century in the First Test? I'm horribly reminded of Mark Taylor in the late 90's. Still, the team that won that match lost the series. That counts for something, right?" Yeah, while we're clutching at straws, both of England last two Ashes series victories came after they had much the worse of the first Test. Haddin flicks the ball out mid-wicket way, and again there are cries of "catch", but the ball lands safely in empty space.
118th over: Australia 340-5 (Hussey 125, Haddin 89) Anderson tries a yorker but gets it all wrong. Two runs to fine leg it is. This stand is exposing a lot of those latent concerns about England's attack, which I have to say we'd all rather forgotten about after their successes in the summer - are four bowlers enough? And what will they do if Swann can't tie up his end? The answer to that second one seems to be this: suffer. Haddin hammers four through long-on, then forces two more out to mid-wicket. Anderson looks spent, deflated by his lack of luck in the morning session.
119th over: Australia 341-5 (Hussey 126, Haddin 89) Hussey glances a single away to leg. Swann musters a desultory LBW appeal at the end of the over as Haddin pads away an off-break, but there's no conviction in it. Umpire Doctrove dismisses it with a quick shake of head.
120th over: Australia 351-5 (Hussey 136, Haddin 89) Anderson really should have been taken out of the attack by now. He's being taken apart by Hussey here. He threads three glorious drives through the covers, the first off the back foot and the second two off the front. 4, 4 and 2 make it ten from the over. "Meanwhile," says Gary Naylor, "in an alternative universe, Callum Ferguson, in for the discarded Mike Hussey after his double failure in the Sheffield Shield match, was dismissed for 12 and new wicketkeeper, Tim Paine, looked good before falling LBW to Anderson for 23. England are five runs short of parity with the score 35-1."
121st over: Australia 357-5 (Hussey 137, Haddin 94) That's the kind of shot that makes you worry where this session is going - Haddin drops to one knee and drags a delivery from outside off and away through mid-wicket for four with a slog-sweep. Swann is all over the place. He suffered terribly with nerves during the first Ashes Test in 2009. He bowled like a chump for most of the match, and has said himself that he would have been dropped for the second Test if he hadn't scored 47 and 31. Surely the cocksure little so and so isn't suffering a similar bout of the heebie-jeebies on his first Test Down Under?
122nd over: Australia 357-5 (Hussey 137, Haddin 94) "Is there anything better than lying on the beach listening to the Ashes?" asks Jon Nolan. "It's a scorcher on Bondi Beach today." Excuse me, I just have to swallow a little bile that rose up my throat. Finn has come into the attack. He has smeared swathes of suncream all over his face. He's learning fast. He's bowling around the wicket, pushing the ball out well wide of off stump. Hussey swings and misses with a cut shot, the realises that is exactly what England want him to do and decides to watch the rest of the over sail harmlessly by.
123rd over: Australia 364-5 (Hussey 137, Haddin 100) There's Haddin's hundred, raised with a lofted on drive for six. That's a hell of an innings by him. He's out-played Hussey today. "At what point in the current proceedings does it cease to become cowardly to pray for rain?" asks Grant Cartledge. Oh it's far too early for that. I'd wait till England are 50-5 in reply before I even considered doing such a thing.
124th over: Australia 370-5 (Hussey 142, Haddin 102) That six also extended Australia's lead up above hundred. Oh my. Unless you've got a really strong masochistic streak I'd suggest this is a good time to go to bed. Hussey has just slaughtered a short ball from Finn, walloping a pull through mid-wicket for four. "I like Gary Naylor's alternative universe," says Phil Sawyer. "Can I live there? Incidentally, if I ever start a band I'm definitely calling it Gary Naylor's Alternative Universe."
125th over: Australia 376-5 (Hussey 143, Haddin 107) Haddin carts a half volley from Swann back past the bowler's head for four. Swann does not even turn to watch the ball run away, but frowns and stares at the floor. Botham has started talking about "the third new ball". Man that makes me nostalgic for Ashes series of the past. "Yeah, the third new ball. That's what we need. That's what will turn this match around for us."
126th over: Australia 380-5 (Hussey 143, Haddin 111) Haddin cuts four more through second slip, prompting more moaning from old Iron Bottom. As if my will to endure more of this wasn't being sapped enough as it is, Matthew Bolton has carelessly chucked this email into the mix: "It's a beautiful day here in Adelaide - should I :- A) keep watching this game B) go for a dip in the pool and watch TV through the window C) go and watch from the pub?" I'm afraid I've nothing to say to that which isn't going to insult you Matt. I'll hold my tongue.
127th over: Australia 384-5 (Hussey 147, Haddin 111) "Catch it" shouts Swann as the ball whistles away to the pickets. Maybe he was talking to the punter in the front row at long-off.
128th over: Australia 385-5 (Hussey 147, Haddin 111) Another 20 runs, and these two will have out-scored the entire England team. Paul Bourdin says he is "Sitting here in the bar of a dive resort in The Philippines. I'd chosen this spot for the family weekend away as I knew they had a big-screen TV, and the place is owned by an Aussie, so I assumed, you know, that there might be a chance of seeing some of The Ashes. They've got Crawley v Swindon Town on."
129th over: Australia 388-5 (Hussey 149, Haddin 113) In desperation rather than expectation, Strauss brings Collingwood into the attack. "Bor-ing, bor-ing, bor-ing" comes the cry from the crowd. Ingrates. "I remember when the Barmy Army used to entertain with amusing and well thought out singing," reminisces Moz. I think he's being a little too generous in his recollections, but still. "Now it's just "Barmy Army ... Barmy Army ... Barmy Army ... Barmy Army ... Barmy Army ... Barmy Army ..." all bloody day long. It's as annoying as a vuvuzuela and about as entertaining as Steven Finn bowling three feet outside of off-stump. Please, please, please stop them."
Drinks "We need to settle a difference of opinion." Not you and me, but Marion Way and her friend. "Did England officially take the new ball before the close of play yesterday, and when in the game does the new ball officially come into play. Is it when the umpire holds the ball up or when the captain asks for it." The first of those, Marion. England did not officially take the new ball till this morning.
130th over: Australia 389-5 (Hussey 149, Haddin 114) Have you seen hope lately? She's not been around our way for a while. Stuart Broad is back into the attack. There's hope! There she is! Just coming over the horizon! Oh no. Oh no. It's a mirage. That's a drop. A bad one.. Haddin hoicks a pull out to mid-wicket. James Anderson is underneath it, running backwards, but he makes a terrible mess of it and the ball drops to turf. Strauss buries his head in his hands and Broad turns crimson. Jimmy just hasn't recovered from his failure to get the wicket his efforts deserved this morning.
131st over: Australia 391-5 (Hussey 150, Haddin 115) "In the drinks break, did anyone ask for hemlock?" asks Gary Naylor. Funny you should ask. Smyth has just gone over the road to see if they sell it at the BP Garage. Even as I type this he will be having a conversation through the security window with the guy at the check-out. "Alright mate, two packets of Skittles, a bag of Flamin' Hot and, oh yes, do you have any hemlock?" That drop was a real shocker. Anderson is the best out-fielder in the team, but he got nowhere near it. It really is one for the lowlights reel. Hussey hits a single straight through mid-wicket, and gets a raucous cheer in recognition of his 150.
132nd over: Australia 396-5 (Hussey 155, Haddin 116) Broad continues from around the wicket. "Decided to see this day through to the bitter end with some music" mopes Joe Meredith as Hussey swats more runs out to the leg side. "My iTunes gave me Pulp's This Is Hardcore. 'Here comes the fear again / the end is near again'. 'If you didn't come to party / then why did you come here?'. 'Funny how it all falls away.' Computers are mean." What's next? Blur's Death of The Party perhaps. Rob has just got back from the Garage. Either he's made some bold decisions about taking a new direction in aftershave, or he's been tucking into an illicit bag of Flamin' Hot.
133rd over: Australia 409-5 (Hussey 156, Haddin 127) All England's moaning has finally paid off - the umpires are changing the ball. Much good it has done too - Haddin thrashes four through long-on, crashes four through cover, and then steers three to fine leg. He has nothing but contempt for England's bowling at this point. The partnership is 266 now.
134th over: Australia 410-5 (Hussey 157, Haddin 127) What does a man have to do? Broad has just delivered an absolute snorter. Of course Hussey got nowhere near it. His average against England in Australia is now up to 122 in seven innings. He cuts a single away square past cover. "Hey Andy," pipes up and old firend of the OBO Jenny Roesler, "I'd echo what Matthew Bolton (126th over) said about Adelaide right this moment but he's missed out D) taking the headphones and listen to the cricket while fishing off the jetty/hanging out on one of the many gorgeous beaches or E) taking a half-hour spin with TMS on to a winery, where you'd be tasting many a beautiful Shiraz or Reisling while checking out the OBO... But Andy, all this choice is stressful - you'd hate it. Does this help? Oh." Thanks Jenny. Really glad you got in touch with that.
135th over: Australia 421-5 (Hussey 164, Haddin 131) The boys in the Sky box are discussing what their respective drink of choice is. "What do you like to drink Beefy?" asks Bumble. "Tonight? Quite a lot," shoots back Botham. "As opposed to any other night?" chips in Hussain. Anderson is back into the attack. Hussey flicks his first ball fine for four, and pushes his next out to mid-wicket for three. Haddin then plays an immaculate Chinese cut down to fine leg for four. Anderson grins. There's not much else he can do at that point. That's 11 runs from his first over back in the attack. These two have put on 278 now, the highest partnership in the history of Test cricket at the Gabba.
136th over: Australia 421-5 (Hussey 164, Haddin 131) Hussey plays out a maiden from Broad, who is bowling with a lot of heart right now.
137th over: Australia 424-5 (Hussey 164, Haddin 131) "Ah! What sweet nostalgia," sighs Kevin McMahon, "reading the pessimism and the abandonment of all hope. Just like the last time, and the time before that. I think of an English colleague of mine at the Gabba today, resplendent in her helmet made out of a watermelon. English pride, both on and off the field."
138th over: Australia 430-5 (Hussey 171, Haddin 133) Ten minutes till tea. Goodness knows what kind of mood England will be in in the dressing room. Hussey drives four more through the covers. It's another fantastic shot, but the truth is it's kind of hard to appreciate seeing as it is just the latest in a long line. "551-6" says Gary Naylor. "Please declare on 551-6."
139th over: Australia 431-5 (Hussey 172, Haddin 133) In my last three sessions of Ashes cricket I've reported on a single wicket.
140th over: Australia 436-5 (Hussey 174, Haddin 134) Swann will get a single over before the break. Crikey, he must be sick of the sight of these two. He is going to bowl over the wicket to Hussey, and then around the wicket to Haddin. It makes no difference. And here, at last, is tea.
You hardly need me to add anything more at this point do you? Besides which, it's time to abandon ship so I haven't time to hang around. Rob will be back after the break. You can email him on rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk
TEA
Hello. Remember those mood matchers that told you what to watch or listen to or snort depending on your mood? Well here's a new addition for when your team's Ashes hopes have just been hit by an H-bomb. I fear that you are going to know this song very well by January 7.
de·spair
/dɪˈspɛər/ Show Spelled[dih-spair]
–noun
1.
loss of hope; hopelessness.
2.
someone or something that causes hopelessness: He is the despair of his mother.
–verb (used without object)
3.
to lose, give up, or be without hope (often fol. by of ): to despair of humanity.
–verb (used with object)
4.
Obsolete . to give up hope of.
Talking of Australia's H-bomb "Is this the greatest-ever partnership btwn 2 Hs" asks Ian Kennedy, who did so well by typing full words only to realise towards the end of the marathon that he didn't have the strength to type three more Es. Anyway, yup it is: the next best is Len Hutton and Wally Hammond at The Oval in 1939. Did I have to look that up? A gentleman never tells.
As an antidote to the misery of today's play, I bring some relatively positive news: we're all going to die James Hildreth has bashed a double-century for the Performance Squad, while Eoin made 71.
141st over: Australia 437-5 (Hussey 177, Haddin 134) When you get to do something you love - behave - you just want to keep on doing it. And we all know what Mr Cricket loves. He is within six of his Test-best score, and it would not surprise me at all if he is still here at the close. Will they declare? They should, but whether they will is a different matter. Bull doesn't think so and I agree with him. Steve Waugh would have declared in pursuit of a wicket or three (remember that furious mini-session on the third evening at Adelaide in 2002-03?), but I reckon Ricky Ponting might bat on. If he does, this could be a seriously miserable session. The only thing keeping us going here are sporadic attacks of the giggles. Anyway, here comes Steven Finn, and Hussey taps into the leg side to move to 177. Andrew Strauss knows all about the value of a career-saving 177. "Could this," says Andrew McCormack, "have anything to do with the sprinkler dance?"
142nd over: Australia 440-5 (Hussey 179, Haddin 135) Swann is bowling around the wicket to Haddin, but his will, for the time being at least, has been broken by these two and he isn't doing much more than going through the motions. Do you remember the third day of the last Ashes series over there? Langer and Ponting, carefully compiling a lead of 974 billion. Compared to that, this is laugh-a-minute stuff. "Swann is hot - even if he is bowling badly," says Marta Dziedzicki, getting straight down to brass tacks. "Is he single? I fear however after living in London for six years he may be another emotionally repressed Englishman. Please tell me this isn't the case." Graeme Swann is many things, but he certainly isn't emotionally repressed. Nor is he single: he got married last year. That said, approximately 100.00 per cent of the OBO readership are single, although approximate 100.00 per cent of them may or may be emotionally repressed.
143rd over: Australia 446-5 (Hussey 184, Haddin 135) Hussey survives a very big appeal for caught behind off Finn. He went for the pull but missed it and the ball flew through to Prior. There was a noise and a deviation, but that was ball on trousers rather than bat. Yet another excellent decision from Aleem Dar. Hussey then tucks Finn to fine leg for four; that brings up the 300 partnership and also takes him past his highest Test score. What a wonderful performance. "Australia's un-Australian run-rate of 3.1 at least leaves fewer overs for Pietersen and Prior to bat out in their calm measured way," says David Affleck. I know we're only three overs into the session, but I've been surprised by Australia's lack of urgency. No matter how dominant you are, do not waste a single ball in this game, because you never know when you might need it. Especially in the first Test of an Ashes series.
144th over: Australia 448-5 (Hussey 185, Haddin 136) Strauss and Haddin are exchanging a few words out in the middle. Strauss has seemed a bit grumpier than usual in this game. Bull has gone for a wander. Judging by the glazed look on his phizog as he left his chair, I wouldn't be surprised if he found himself in Grimsby at about 9pm tonight, an unlit fag dangling solemnly out of his mouth to the left, not knowing his name, his age or anything else apart from the fact that Michael Hussey and Brad Haddin batted all day. "We were always going to lose at the Gabba," says Nick Stone. "Better to get record-breaking partnerships and hat-tricks by the opposition in this game. They've been wasted!" Or, as Paul Merson would say, don't play your joker at the Gabba mate!
145th over: Australia 449-5 (Hussey 186, Haddin 136) Finn has decided to pepper Haddin with short stuff. One run from the over, and just 13 in five overs since tea. "While the cricket may be disaster, please be grateful you have someone there with which to share your misery," says Ben Reynolds. "I am providing updates for a well-known 'media outlet' and have been on my own since midnight, during which time I have got through two family bags of Crunchie bites and Caramel Nibbles. My mind is playing such tricks on me that at 4.37am I was even pondering whether Tim Bresnan should play in the next Test. Still, only 22 more days of this to go."
WICKET! Australia 450-6 (Haddin c Collingwood b Swann 136) I've seen it all now. England have taken a wicket. Haddin pushed forward at a decent delivery from Swann, bowled from around the wicket, and when it flew off the edge to the right of slip Collingwood took a fantastic low catch. That's the end of the innings of Brad Haddin's life, 136 from 287 balls, and an extraordinary partnership of 307.
146th over: Australia 450-6 (Hussey 187, Johnson 0) Be careful what you wish for: that wicket has brought the slugger to the crease. England could be entering a whole new world of pain. "At the start of this Test, I felt England needed to bat eight sessions or thereabouts to make the game safe," says Gary Naylor. "That's still the position now, despite all those runs."
147th over: Australia 451-6 (Hussey 188, Johnson 0) Australia are still in no hurry. Johnson is having a few sighters, playing himself in carefully before he flogs 664646204661636, so there's just one from Finn's over. Finn's economy rate has gone down as Australia's run rate has increased. "Frankly Rob, I'm sort of getting sick of hearing about this whole cricket affair," says Oliver Pattenden. "I wouldn't mind talking more about this despair tread you've opened up, so, I'd like to ask you and the readers, what's the worst thing a person could legitimately do 'in the name of love'? I mean morally, not artistically, I'm not looking for a load of 'Band on the Run' replies..." Isn't that just a long-winded way of saying: what did Meatloaf mean by 'that'?
148th over: Australia 452-6 (Hussey 189, Johnson 0) Hussey drives Swann for a single. That makes it 66 from 101 balls off Swann, which is outstanding. Johnson blocks the rest of the over. Sixteen from eight overs since tea. That's far too slow, although it almost certainly won't matter. "See I am not drunk," says Som Bandyopadhyay. "I can't be. I am sitting in my office and the clock shows it is 1056 a.m. I hope my friend Jon Walgate is reading this. He belongs to those famous Walgates who once fielded 11 Walgates in a cricket match. That's on record on Cricinfo!"
WICKET! Australia 458-7 (Hussey c Cook b Finn 195) Hussey is out at last. Having pulled Finn for four earlier in the over, he went for the shot again but holed out to Cook at deep midwicket. In a way that's a fitting end, because the pull stroke defined his innings. He walks off to a standing ovation, and you can pretty much choose any praise you like for that performance. It was immense.
149th over: Australia 458-7 (Johnson 0, Doherty 0) "I went to the cinema back at over 112 (I live in Toronto) confident that when I returned, England would be batting," says Marcia Adair. "Instead, I find the boys mired in the quicksand of failure, the sinking leadweight of which is now resident in the pit of my stomach." You could have gone to watch Das Boot on loop and you still wouldn't have returned to England batting.
150th over: Australia 461-7 (Johnson 0, Doherty 3) Xavier Doherty is very lucky to avoid a golden duck on debut. He got his bat stuck as he played around a straight one from Swann, but Billy Doctrove rejected England's massive LBW appeal. They haven't shown a replay yet, but that was surely hitting a good chunk of leg stump. Later in the over he gets for three to get off the mark. The camera cuts to his Dad in the crowd, sporting a huge grin and proudly giving the thumbs up.
151st over: Australia 462-7 (Johnson 0, Doherty 4) I think the Barmy Army are singing "Swann, Swann will tear you apart, again". He has figures of two for 122. Johnson, meanwhile, has 0 from 15 balls. Weird. "I experienced the delights of Black Friday shopping today in the US," says Jonny Sultoon. "Happened across this delightful shop. Any beauties here to pick out? I can get you something nice for Xmas if you'd like..." $375!
152nd over: Australia 462-7 (Johnson 0, Doherty 4) A maiden from Swann to Doherty. Australia are still in no hurry. Sometimes the box seat is so comfortable that you can't help but doze off. "I just got in from a night out and I honestly don't know which is worse, over-by-over, or the kebab I'm eating whilst reading it," says Rachel Fort. "I'm thinking the cricket, no matter how bad I feel in a few hours. Please make it better by the time I get up in the morning??" So we've not only been compared to a kebab, we've been compared unfavourably to one. It's a fair cop.
WICKET! Australia 462-8 (Johnson b Finn 0) Mitchell Johnson's bizarrely passive innings when he is bowled off the pads by Steven Finn, who is now one away from a five-for on his Ashes debut. Johnson made 0 from 19 balls, and that means the rest of Australia's team have scored 110 for six. Apart from a hat-trick and a Gabba-record partnership, what exactly have these clowns achieved in this game?
153rd over: Australia 467-8 (Doherty 8, Siddle 1) Siddle works Finn just in the air but past Cook at short leg. Doherty then steers Finn smartly to third man for his first boundary. "Hoping you can clarify something for a newbie to the game," says Craig Anderson. "What are the numbers on the left breast of the England players? It seems to me each player has a different number, although my vision may be clouded at this point from repeated bashings by the H-Bomb attack." I can already feel, even before typing, that I'm going to phrase this clumsily. I blame the tiredness and not the illiteracy. Anyway, it's basically what number Test player they are for England. So Andrew Strauss is the 624th man to play Test cricket for England, and so on.
154th over: Australia 468-8 (Doherty 8, Siddle 2) "Admittedly it is easier to retain one's optimism on a pleasant late autumn day in Japan than a bleak cold November night in the UK, but England can save this," says Robert Elsam. "We are not looking at facing an attack of Warne and McGrath, but a debut spinner with a first-class average of 48, Johnson who often finds it a challenge to hit the cut strip, Hilfenhaus a far from devastating prospect and the the admittedly in form Siddle. Bear in mind too that Ausralia have made a habit of not closing out games - their defeat at Mohali comes to mind they had India 124 for 8 but still couldn't defend 216, unthinkable for previous Aussie teams. As hopeless as this does seem there is a way out." There is, it's true. But it involves a time/runs equation in the third innings, and time/runs equations are terrifying things. Remember Christchurch 1992? Cardiff 2009? The Oval 2005? ADELAIDE 2006-07?
WICKET! Australia 472-9 (Siddle c Swann b Finn 6) Steven Finn takes a five-for in his first Ashes Test. He dug in a bouncer from wide on the crease; Siddle was far too early on the hook shot and the ball looped off the glove to Swann, running round from second slip.
155th over: Australia 472-9 (Doherty 8, Hilfenhaus 0) After a quick fiddle with Statsguru, I'm pretty sure Finn is the youngest Englishman to take an Ashes five-for since Jack Crawford in 1908. Even if a five-for flatters him a touch, that's a seriously impressive achievement. It's also his third five-for in his fledgling, nine-Test career.
156th over: Australia 475-9 (Doherty 11, Hilfenhaus 0) "I was weak last night, and went to bed before play started - to be fair I am two hours ahead of the UK so no nifty 11.30 start for me," says Nicola Kelly in Istanbul. "However that meant getting up this morning nice and early to catch the end of the day's play. So my score is now 53 for three. Does this mean I'm not allowed to sleep for the rest of the Aussie batting Ashes?" It's far too late for superstitions.
157th over: Australia 479-9 (Doherty 15, Hilfenhaus 0) A preposterous appeal from England for caught behind after Doherty misses - by some distance - an attempted uppercut at Finn. Doherty then whaps a cut through the covers for four. "It's a classic Aussie performance," says Ian Rubenstein. "Almost everyone fails, but those who fail to fail, really fail to fail (if you know what I mean). Meanwhile, as a keen alert and hopeful English cricket fan (I mean you this time), would you rather skittle the Aussie tail and win the privilege of an uncomfortable hour before stumps, or let them muddle and take a fresh start?" Oh a fresh start, of course. Conversely, if I were Ponting I would declare right now.
158th over: Australia 481-9 (Doherty 16, Hilfenhaus 1) Hilfenhaus slog-sweeps Swann a fraction short of Anderson, diving forward at deep midwicket. "The comparison with Mohali is inappropriate," says Rajesh Balasubramanian. "With Lax around, Australia can never close out any match easily (Kolkatta, Adelaide, what the hell he had a go at them even in Perth 99). Only Lax-free comparisons are allowed. Yeah, I know I am Indian and am going to be biased. But anyone who knows Aus-Lax will tell you that these data points are anomalies." What he said. (Or 'this', which is the 2010 version of 'what he said', I'm led to believe by people with something resembling social skills.)
WICKET! Australia 481 all out (Doherty c Cook b Finn 16) Doherty hooks Finn straight to deep midwicket, where Cook takes a good tumbling catch and then runs straight off the field. His real work is about to begin. Steven Finn leads England off after taking career-best figures of six for 125, and Australia lead by 221. England have just under an hour's play to negotiate. Adelaide 2002 Adelaide 2002 Adelaide 2002 Adelaide 2002 Adelaide 2002. Yet if they can get to the close unscathed, they will fancy their chances of batting four-and-half more sessions and thus, in all probability, saving the Test. I am going to hand over to Andy for the England innings, as my head is bit heavy and I need to reset the caffeine drip. You can email him on andy.bull@guardian.co.uk.
INNINGS BREAK
Right, what do we reckon? Two wickets down by the close?
The heavy roller is running up and down the pitch. England's openers must be shot after a long hard day in the field, and the new ball sung for the bowlers this morning. This is going to be horrible hour for England.
Still, whatever happens has to be preferable to describing another pull for four by Hussey.
England trail by 221.
1st over: England 1-0 (Strauss 1, Cook 0) Hilfenhaus paces out his run. Strauss is on strike, on a pair and oh my word that's close. So close Australia have referred it! Strauss shouldered arms to a ball that pitched in line and swung back in, hitting him on the knee flush in front of off stump. Strauss' heart almost burst up his throat and out his mouth. Aleem Dar shook his head, but Ponting reckoned it was worth a punt. The replays show the ball was just, just passing over the top of the wicket. So Dar's decision stands and Strauss continues. What a start. He knocks the third ball away to leg to get off his pair.
2nd over: England 3-0 (Strauss 2, Cook 1) Siddle will start at the Vulture Street end. "Look, please don't let Smyth back at all until Australia are batting again," pleads Serowe Midas, "so far all the wickets on both sides have fallen during his stints, while you have reported hardly any - pretty please?" Vicious Sid's first two balls sail by off stump, and Strauss eases his third away square for another single. Later in the over Cook gets off the mark as well, also with a flick to leg.
3rd over: England 3-0 (Strauss 2, Cook 1) "My stomach has contracted and relaxed so many times today that I should have a six pack by the end of the Test," says Celes, "(not to mention buns of steel, but maybe don't dwell on that image)." Right, yeah, a lifetime spent on the sofa watching cricket really can do wonders for a man's physique. A maiden over from Hilfenhaus. So what do we think? "England need to bat for five sessions," suggests Smyth. "Or make around 450 runs."
4th over: England 8-0 (Strauss 6, Cook 1) A lovely shot from Strauss, he pats a no ball back down the ground, and times it so well that he gets four through long-off. If England are as tough as they - and we - think they are they should even have drawn confidence from the way Hussey and Haddin batted. If they can do it, why can't we? Siddle appeals for an LBW. And, in what is hopefully the first of many such instances we'll see in this innings, umpire Doctrove shakes his head. The ball pitched outside leg stump.
5th over: England 9-0 (Strauss 6, Cook 2) Cook pushes a single out to mid-off. Hilfenhaus' next five balls all hug off stump.
6th over: England 9-0 (Strauss 6, Cook 2) Cook plays out a maiden from Siddle. "This game actually reminds me quite a bit of the Melbourne Test I went to on the last Ashes tour," says Jake Groves. "England won the toss and batted and made a below par total. Australia came in and I hopes were raised when they slumped to 80 odd for 5. Symonds and Hayden then proceeded to put on about 300 together and England lost by an innings inside 3 days. What a great way to spend Christmas that was."
7th over: England 13-0 (Strauss 10, Cook 2) Strauss swings a pull shot at a straight delivery from Hilfenhaus, and chops the ball into his own hip and away for four through third man.
8th over: England 13-0 (Strauss 10, Cook 2) Siddle comes around the wicket to Cook. He hangs the first delivery outside off and spears the second in at middle. Cook is equal to both. He steers the next ball away to point, and turns his head just in time to see Mike Hussey dive down to the turf and cut the ball off. That was a fine piece of fielding. Cook is beaten by the next one, which jags past his outside edge. He walks off to square leg to compose himself, while Ricky Ponting rubs his hands in glee at second slip.
9th over: England 13-0 (Strauss 10, Cook 2) Most of the pitch is in shadow now. The day's play is coming to a close. Strauss plays out another maiden.
10th over: England 17-0 (Strauss 10, Cook 6) Intriguing. Ponting has brought Marcus North on as first change, the idea being that he will turn the ball away from the outside edges of the two left handers. And they say Ponting is an unimaginative captain. Nice theory. Shame about the practice. North's first ball is dismissed for four through point by Cook.
11th over: England 18-0 (Strauss 10, Cook 6) Just a solitary leg bye from this over, I'd say more but truth is my brain's not working too well at this point in the proceedings.
12th over: England 19-0 (Strauss 11, Cook 6) North continues. Very strange piece of captaincy this. Who do you think Strauss would rather be facing at this point? North, The club off-spinner, or Johnson, the 90mph quick with a knack for delivering occasionally unplayable deliveries? A single from the over.
13th over: England 19-0 (Strauss 11, Cook 6) No sooner said than... Johnson comes into the attack with ten minutes of the day left. "North at first change? More idiotic captaincy by Ponting" grumbles David Siddall. It's a scrappy first over from Johnson though in typical style he follows five filthy short and wide deliveries with an awkward full, straight ball that Strauss does well to drop his bat on.
14th over: England 19-0 (Strauss 11, Cook 6) North takes a spell and Xavier Doherty will get a turn. "Could I hijack the OBO for a moment for my own ends?" asks Marcia Adair. Depends entirely what your ends are Maria. So long as they stop short of anything illegal I'm sure I'll oblige. "I'm having people round for supper on Sunday and can't decide between making Guinness chocolate cake or chocolate cupcakes with mint frosting for dessert. The remaining OBO die-hards clearly have excellent taste, so....whaddya say folks?" There's only an over left in the day Maria. I'm not sure you're going to get an answer. As for myself, I'd prefer the Guinness chocolate cake, for novelty's sake. A maiden from Doherty.
15th over: England 19-0 (Strauss 11, Cook 6) This should be the last over. By the time it's over Johnson is finally starting to find the right line, and Strauss is forced to play at his two final deliveries whereas most of the rest had whizzed untouched past his stumps. Ponting brings in the field for the final ball, just to distract Strauss as much as anything else. He'll need to do better than that. Strauss blocks the last ball, and England have reached the safety of stumps.
