Preamble: And so this is Christmas. And what, England must be asking themselves, have we done? A fortnight ago, before their batting collapsed like skittles under a wrecking ball, they were 1-0 up and dominant - and the retaining the Ashes looked a matter of five days and twenty wickets away. Then came Perth. Suddenly Andrew Strauss's men arrive at the MCG with the series all-square, the team as underdogs, and with 90,000 (mostly) Australians crowing, braying and smelling blood. But, just as most people over-reacted to Adelaide, have we all over-reacted to Perth? We'll soon find out.
A few pointers: According to David Saker, England's bowling coach, the MCG is "more of an English-type pitch. It is harder to drive, especially on day one and two. You need success with the new ball. Then once the shine goes off you need to get it to reverse because if you don't it's really not a bad place to bat ... It's not a big spinners pitch but they have had reasonable success. It may be harder to score as quickly there as other grounds because the pitch is a bit slower Once the shine goes it is hard work for the bowlers."
* However the first match-innings average in the last 10 Tests is 360, which suggests the MCG is not quite the belter many assume. And there may be something in the pitch for everyone: when Australia beat Pakistan last year, for instance, both Mohammad Aamir and Nathan Hauritz got five wicket hauls.
* Australia's recent record at Melbourne is excellent: in the last 15 Tests they have only been bowled out twice on three occasions.
* Ricky Ponting's Test batting average at the MCG. Only four players have scored more than his 1,186 runs at this venue.
The pitch: Paul Collingwood has looked at it four or five times already and England are unsure whether to bowl or bat if they win the toss. However Shane Warne reckons we shouldn't be fooled by the grass on the wicket; he believes it looks a pretty good wicket and he wants Australia to play a spinner. No team news yet.
10.40pm GMT The word from the Guardian's cricket correspondent Mike Selvey is that Australia are unchanged. "Nothing witty to say, but I'd guess I reflect a majority of England fans when I say I'm now as nervous again as I was at the beginning of the series," says Indy Neogy. "All the old questions are back. Are we going to get mullered? Was all the optimism just a mirage? Will we be watching another England batting collapse? Should Finn really be playing in this game, or is he going to run out of steam after 5 overs? Will Tremlett be any use on this pitch?" No. I hope not. No. Yes. Yes.
10.45pm GMT: Still no official news on the teams, although many commentators - including Jonathan Agnew - are predicting that Bresnan is in for Finn. Meanwhile lots of you are emailing in about Christmas presents. I hope you got everything you wanted - and that some of you were given Golden Boy: Kim Hughes and the bad old days of Australian cricket by Chris Ryan, formerly of this parish. A lovely bloke and a very nice writer too.
The toss: Ponting flicks, Strauss calls heads - correctly - and England will bowl. Moments later England's captain confirms that Bresnan is in for Finn, as broken by the Guardian last Tuesday. That's a huge call ...
11.02pm GMT: Ponting confirms he would have "had a bowl", but he's not too concerned about batting as it was such a difficult decision, and that his finger is OK. "I've been pulling a bit sore after training, but I'll be fine," he claims.
11.04pm GMT: Australia's team is unchanged by the way. Meanwhile, spare a thought for Tim Hill. "My mate Neil and I had tickets for today and also the Sydney Test match," he writes. "After four days of being messed around by our airline at Heathrow due to the bad weather we were not able to make our trip. Instead of shrimps on the barbie and the MCG I am now seeking legal advice and spending Christmas in -6 degree England. There must be other people out there who have suffered the same fate - we met three lads at the airport who were going to miss out on eight days worth of tickets. Real tragedy aside, I have never been more gutted about anything."
11.15pm GMT: While we wait for play to begin, Kevin Pietersen is talking about how he's changed his mentality and wants to be less carefree and more clinical - so he converts 80s and 90s into big scores. Speaking of KP, an important message from Keith Flett of the Beard Liberation Front. "Kevin Pietersen's performance in the 4th Ashes Test from Boxing Day will be crucial to his chances in one of the year's most coveted trophies, the Annual Beard of the Year award," he writes. "The winner is announced on Wednesday and with Pietersen on the shortlist his performance during the Test could sway, or otherwise, crucial last minute votes. The Award is designed to highlight those who have given beards a positive image in the public eye during the year." I'd hardly call KP's half-moustache and three days of growth a beard but happy to be persuaded otherwise ...
11.20pm GMT: So, your thoughts on the Bresnan decision? Gary Naylor, for one, is strongly in favour: "I like Straussy's decision. There's a reason the bowlers are called an attack (unlike in baseball where pitchers defend) and this means that we can get at Hughes early and then at Punter and Clarke too with any luck. Bresnan is quite sharp, matches up Harris well with the ball and is a proper No8 (Swanny is a nine-and-a-half these days)." I'm not as confident as you are Gary, but it clearly helps that England have won the toss - they should have the best of the conditions to bowl in. However Bresnan's record in Tests against Bangladesh and West Indies is steady-as-she-goes: 14 wickets for 492 runs at an average of 35.14. Agree that he will strengthen the batting, mind.
11.25pm: A knee-trembling version of God Save The Queen - rather out of place at 10am Melbourne time - is impeccably observed and applauded afterwards, as is Advance Australia Fair. "Beard of the Year is not simply about how magnificent the beard is [we'll leave that to the hirsute topiarists of the World Beard & Moustache Championships]," splutters Keith Flett, "but whether it is making a positive impact in the public arena." If KP scores the winning runs off his five-o-clock shadow I'll vote for him myself Keith.
1st over: Australia 0-0 (Watson 0, Hughes 0) Anderson opens to Watson, and immediately there's a hint of swing. And from his fifth delivery, Watson nervously paws it towards Collingwood ... who drops it at third slip! It was a difficult chance, low to his left, but Collingwood would take that nine times out of ten. "Would it be fair to say that Ricky Ponting now thinks that there isn't a spinner in Australia worth picking?" says Chris Langmead. "The Waca is one thing, but surely a spinner is needed in Melbourne and Sydney?" It certainly looks that way ...
2nd over: Australia 10-0 (Watson 0, Hughes 10) Runs for Hughes! First he rocks back before chopping Tremlett through the covers, then he picks up another couple off his legs, then he drives another to the boundary. "I feel Tim (no relation) Hill's pain, and cheer the happy few who made it over," says Peter Hell. "Can anyone beat the 11-stage, 53-hour journey from Shepherd's Bush to Melbourne via Dieppe, Rouen, Paris and Singapore, as taken by my friends Sam Michel and his wife Claire? They're in the Great Southern Stand right now, and I salute them." Well?
3rd over: Australia 15-0 (Watson 5, Hughes 10) Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Watson chases after a wide one, and swings at the ball like a man trying to chop down a great elm in one hefty blow. It flies to Pietersen at gully, at a nice height, only to pop out of his hands. That really should have been taken. Meanwhile Andy Niven isn't happy with the selection of Bresnan. "The day we bottled it and blew the Ashes," he says. "It better swing. Never has so much been trusted in so few bowlers. Aaarrrggghhhh." Er, aren't England playing four bowlers ... like they have been all series? And it's certainly swinging at the moment - the problem is that England aren't taking their catches.
WICKET! Watson c Pietersen b Tremlett 5 (Australia 15-1) England strike! Watson is surprised by the unexpected bounce Tremlett is able to generate, and his top edge loops from bat to helmet to Pietersen's grateful hands.
4th over: Australia 15-1 (Hughes 10, Ponting 0) England immediately implement one of their familiar plans to Ponting: and a delivery deliberately down leg side is nearly brushed to Prior. Wicket maiden. "Here I am in Sydney and unable to watch the Boxing Day Test because my kids are watching Scooby Doo," says a cheery Ben Pobjie. "So thanks for picking up the slack there. Also, can any fellow readers explain to me why on earth people have kids?" Merry Christmas to you too, Ben.
5th over: Australia 16-1 (Hughes 11, Ponting 0) Just a single off the over from Hughes who, so far at least isn't looking as flimsy as he did in Perth. "In response to Peter Hell (1st over) my girlfriend and I have also travelled to Melbourne from Shepherds Bush taking in Egypt, Jordan, Abu Dhabi, Thailand, Cambodia, Singapore and Perth over 8 weeks and 14 flights," says Jamie Jermain. "The OBO kept us going in Thailand where there wasn't a sniff of televised cricket and just the ramblings of Bull and Smyth and a patchy internet stream to follow the action."
6th over: Australia 18-1 (Hughes 12, Ponting 1) So close to a run out! Ponting chops one around the corner and Hughes, who I assume called, would have been run out by two metres if Cook (who had scrambled round from short leg) had hit. Impressive, muscular, bowling from Tremlett this. Meanwhile more Bresnan debate. "The problem with the four-bowlers option is that there's no margin for error," says John Starbuck. "Injury or loss of form mean we're stuffed, which is why the five-bowlers, keeper batting at six option became the standard and lasted so long. You can get away with four bowlers only if one of the batsmen is good enough to take more than the occasional wickets, but neither Collingwood nor KP are up to this role, not even as a reliable partnership-breaker. The fifth bowler has to either do this often enough to be recognised for it, like D'Oliviera was, or steady enough to become a workhouse if another player breaks down. This really seems to be Bresnan's role."
7th over: Australia 18-1 (Hughes 12, Ponting 1) More good bowling, this time from Anderson (4-1-7-0), who nearly had Hughes edging behind there. So far it looks a good toss to win. "I have an answer for Ben Pobjie (third over)," says Dave Young. "It's usually because a man's semen enters a woman's uterus and meets an egg. There are other ways but they're less common."
8th over: Australia 19-1 (Hughes 12, Ponting 2) Ponting is often a twitchy starter, but he's looking particularly nervous out there right now. There are lots of unconvincing stabs and clunks off the side of the bat. Meanwhile more Bresnan talk. "I can't agree with Gary Naylor, I'm afraid," says Tom King. "I like Tim Bresnan but to me he is a fourth seamer at this level, and the only way we can fit someone like that in is if he is a good enough batsman to bat in the top six (like Watson for Australia). The argument in favour of picking him seems to be that he offers control but I haven't seen any real parsimony from him. I'd have been inclined to stick with Finn if he was fit - he is expensive but he takes wickets." He does average 2.99 in Tests - but those Tests have come against Bangladesh and West Indies.
9th over: Australia 26-1 (Hughes 13, Ponting 2) This continues to be a difficult opening session for Australia - Anderson has got it to swing and Tremlett is getting extra bounce - and both batsmen are looking as uncomfortable as a Business Secretary in front of a pack of News International journalists. "In response to the 'why do we have kids question' - surely the answer is on the off chance you get see them open the batting or bowling for England at the MCG or Lords?" suggests Lizzy Ammon, not unreasonably.
10th over: Australia 26-1 (Hughes 13, Ponting 2) Ponting is scratching around horribly here, and there's a heart-in-mouth moment when he's late to another Tremlett lifter: the ball pinballs from bat to thigh pad to leg, and dribbles past the Australian captain's leg stump by this much. "Merry Christmas!" says my colleague Emma John. "I hear you and Smyth are the only two people in the country still sober." That's the professionalism you get with the Guardian's OBO team, Emma.
11th over: Australia 26-1 (Hughes 13, Ponting 2) Huge appeal from Anderson and, particularly, Prior, who think they have Hughes caught behind. The umpire isn't buying it, England refer it ... and the umpire is right: the ball only flicked Hughes' shirt and he is NOT OUT Anderson has bowled very well here, to little reward. "Could you tell Ben Pobjie (4th over) that he should have planned Christmas better," sighs Sara Torvalds. "The thing with combining children with the Boxing Day Test is to make sure they get something for Christmas that will keep the occupied away from the TV - unless you can train them to think that the best thing on TV is cricket, which should be easy enough to do beforehand with a DVD and lots of candy."
12th over: Australia 26-1 (Hughes 13, Ponting 2) A change in the bowling as Bresnan comes on for Tremlett. It's a range-finding opener, with a one down legside and couple too wide of off-stump. "I'm a junior doctor half way through my week of nights, and I wondered if you could give a shout out to all my glum patients stuck in hospital on orthopaedic wards 26 and 27," says Dave Hogg. "Each time we take a wicket I shout 'Howzat!' and they give a little cheer, albeit somewhat diminished as we get into the early hours. They appreciate my providing top-class entertainment whilst meeting their medical needs I'm sure."
13th over: Australia 37-1 (Hughes 16, Ponting 10) Runs - and plenty of them. After Hughes takes three from a clip of his legs, Ponting finally finds his mojo - twice pulling his legs for four. Meanwhile Sarah Cox is dismissive of Jamie Jermain's eight-week, 14-flight trip, via Egypt, Jordan, Abu Dhabi, Thailand, Cambodia, Singapore to Perth (over 5). "This isn't a tortured, painful effort like that of Peter Hill's friends. This is a holiday."
WICKET! Hughes c Pietersen b Bresnan 16 (Australia 37-2) Horrible shot from Hughes, who drives a fullish delivery straight at Pietersen at gully. He'd batted reasonably well for an hour in tricky conditions, then he just threw his wicket away. "Re: Sara Torvalds (over 11). I'm not so sure that candy + children + cricket is really the best medicine to keep kids quiet," says Sarah Bacon. "I'd be stuffing all small fry full of brandy-soaked Christmas pud instead, the better for the silence that should reign after they've passed out in a stupor. THEN you can enjoy the cricket."
14th over: Australia 37-2 (Ponting 10, Clarke 0) Clarke is watchful as he sees off the rest of Bresnan's over. "One of the features of Bresnan's first over was that he mixed up his pace," says Toby Joy. "Hughes then promptly tries to hit his first ball from Bres on the up - perhaps not the smartest guy around?" Certainly it wasn't a very good shot.
WICKET! Ponting c Swann b Tremlett 10 (Australia 37-3) Ponting goes! Tremlett replaces Anderson and the switch immediately pays off. There was a little extra lift, a little extra back in the delivery, and the Australian captain flicked one behind as he tried to draw his bat inside. It looked to be going straight to Strauss at first slip, but Swann - at second - went across and took a decent catch.
15th over: Australia 37-3 (Clarke 0, Hussey 0) So, here we go again. Mike Hussey v England - round seven. And three deliveries in, Tremlett has a huge appeal for lbw and, after the umpire shakes his head, England review the decision. First impressions were it was too high - the ball hit Hussey above the roll, and the Virtual Eye supports it. England have now lost all their reviews for this innings after just 14 overs, which seems a little ridiculous.
16th over: Australia 39-3 (Clarke 1, Hussey 1) Bresnan has bowled well so far and Hussey has to be pretty smart to get some bat on one that nips back sharply. "I'm following the OBO from the Cayman Islands," says Annemarie Elson, who seems to be having it tough. "It's been a fairly normal Christmas... turkey, stuffing, roast potatoes, lots of wine and the odd glass of rum punch in the 30 degree sunshine by the sea. The best bit, though, is that I am able to show my Daily-Mail-reading-Dad the benefits of switching to the Guardian. Not only does it have THE BEST over-by-over Ashes coverage but it is also infused with topical political humour. Guardian 1-0 Daily Mail."
17th over: Australia 43-3 (Clarke 1, Hussey 5) Shot of the day from Hussey, who steers an overpitched Tremlett delivery straight down the ground for four in an otherwise uneventful over. "I'm also a junior doctor, and I'm also sober after a long day in Neonatal intensive care," says Rossa Brugha. "Have to be back tomorrow at 8am. How late is it safe to stay up? We keep taking wickets, and I can't help myself." As someone whose daughter spent Christmas 2008 in a neo-natal ward I'm full of admiration for all you types; I'd say get some sleep but you probably get by on about two hours a night anyway ...
18th over: Australia 46-3 (Clarke 4, Hussey 5) Bresnan continues to hassle and harry. "Am sure this has been done to death in previous OBOs, but why do bowling teams still refer LBWs?" asks Chris Bowden. "No one is ever certain if it is out, so it is always a 50:50 chance, and you risk missing the opportunity to reverse a umpiring howler (the true reason for the review system) later in the innings." Yes it's been discussed before and, yes, you're absolutely right. England really should know better.
19th over: Australia 49-3 (Clarke 4, Hussey 7) Hussey continues to provide a masterclass in defensive batting: ignoring deliveries that others would poke at, offering meaty resistance to anything on stumps, and choosing his moments to score. That said, it was a decent over from Tremlett (8-3-23-2), who is still offering plenty of spite, even though he's barely had a rest this session. Meanwhile this from James Pemberton in Sydney. "Not being wise after fact as have said before this match: selection must be holistic (balancing team as a whole) as well as individual. With a misfiring middle order, Australia selects an state-underperforming, chancy young opener; a talented all-rounder too high at vital six and the best batsman (two recent state centuries) of the clutch of modest spinners. The rocks, Watson (now has), Hussey and Haddon, have to fail sometime. Why this implicit absolute ooverlooking of older, experienced state performers?"
20th over: Australia 53-3 (Clarke 8, Hussey 7) A boundary off Bresnan's final delivery takes Australia past 50. But they have crawled to it, almost as uncertainly as an eight-month old scratching around on the living room carpet "What's with the rampant bottom tapping in the England team?" asks Alex in London. "Even a half-decent stop in the field leads to five sets of players rushing over to pad the player on the cheeks. Is this motivational?" Well, it works in the office when Rob Smyth has written a particularly fine entry*, so I'd say yes. [* Disclaimer: not actually true, but I'd be interested in your thoughts on the subject]
21st over: Australia 53-3 (Clarke 8, Hussey 7) Another excellent maiden from Tremlett (9-4-23-2), and it was nearly even better: Hussey played and missed at his final delivery. Meanwhile more tales about how you're celebrating Christmas around the world. "At the beach in Brazil and internet connection is too slow for dubious p2p feeds so following you on the Blackberry," sighs Martin Perrie. Sorry Martin. "Wife and baby in bed, so confined to the free bar for the rest of the evening, or at least till lunch. Hard life, eh? Saw Santa arrive on waterskis this morning, preceded by a reindeer on an inflatable - hadn't even had any caipirinhas by that stage so am pretty sure it happened."
22nd over: Australia 57-3 (Clarke 12, Hussey 7) Clarke has been scratching around for form all series, but that was more like it: a crushing on-drive down the ground for four. Still Bresnan has bowled well so far today. Meanwhile I am starting to worry that a legion of junior doctors across the UK are stabbing away on their BlackBerry's while all sorts of frantic beeps are being sounded from their patients' machines. Speaking of which ... "Another junior doctor weighing in," says Rebecca Heller. "I stayed up til at least two for the nights of the second Test, having to be in at 8am to work 12-hour days on a gastro-intestinal ward. So I'd say you've got another hour in you at least. Don't forget though, to factor in how long it will take you to get to sleep when you're taut with excitement about how well we're doing."
23rd over: Australia 58-3 (Clarke 12, Hussey 8) Twenty minutes before lunch, Strauss opts for Swann, who finds himself up against Hussey again. It's a feeling-out sort of over, with just a single from the final ball. This partnership is now 21 from 52 deliveries. "Am loving the coverage in between songs of the Sound of Music," says John Harrison from a 'snow-bound Swiss farmhouse'. "Yes I know. Say nothing."
24th over: Australia 58-3 (Clarke 12, Hussey 8) Another thrifty over from Bresnan (7-3-13-1) and another maiden. "Not sure on the analogy about the uncertainty of eight month-old babies on carpet," says Dave Adams. "My son is just past that age, and whenever placed on the floor, crawls off with great determination directly towards the nearest available source of danger. Like Phil Hughes batting, I guess."
25th over: Australia 58-3 (Clarke 12, Hussey 8) Not much turn for Swann so far, not that you'd expect any on the opening morning. Clarke is using his feet plenty here, repeatedly stepping forward to get to the pitch of the ball. Maiden. "I could be wrong, but I have a feeling England would not have referred that decision if Clarke had been the batsman," says Paul Illecho. "There was a chance to get Australia at 37-4 with Hussey gone and a very real chance of a complete collapse. I think that was worth the risk in this case, even though it would normally be a poor choice."
WICKET! Hussey c Prior b Anderson 8 (Australia 58-4) Australia's Berlin wall finally comes down! Anderson returns to the attack and strikes with a slanting delivery that moved a fraction and got the slightest brush of Hussey's bat; the sort of faint, did-I-did-he brush you might get passing a stranger down the Tube escalator. Hussey goes - and for single figures! "Momentum eh?" says Gary Naylor.
LUNCH Smith faces just one delivery before the clouds open and the players sprint off the pitch. The rain doesn't look serious, mind, so imagine Rob Smyth will be kept busy describing events this afternoon. Thanks for all your emails - sorry I couldn't use them all - and see you tomorrow. Thanks, Sean
Postman! Tell the neighbourhood! Michael Hussey has failed! He made just eight, and his dismissal on the stroke of lunch turned a promising morning for England into an exceptional one. To get Mr Cricket – or Sir Cricket, as we should really call him after his performance in this series – was, as a cricket commentator once said, massive.
It was also a deserved reward for the brilliant James Anderson. Before the series we wondered whether Good Jimmy or Bad Jimmy would turn up; turns out England sent Unlucky Jimmy. His first, wicketless spell this morning was almost as good as his wicketless spell on the third morning at Brisbane, but he switched ends and got Hussey with a beauty.
As a rule, I've never really liked you England bowling first. In the last 20 years, they have done so in 28 Tests, and have taken a first-innings lead in only 11 of them (although, contrary to the last, they've actually won 12 of those games).
It's not just about the result, though; it's the principle of the thing. Bowling first carries a latent aggression that is just not very English. Like walking into a bar and going straight over to schmooze the most attractive person. Test matches (and true love) are not won by smooth, confident demonstrations of talent; they're won by sitting in and waiting for the other party to make a costly mistake!
All that said, England definitely made the right decision in bowling first – and it was a brave one, too, given what happened at Perth. They knew they had to bowl well and they did so: the three seamers had combined figures of 23.3-9-55-4. The only disappointment was two really dumb reviews. England need to learn that the UDRS, unlike ABV product, must be used responsibly.
Charity department "I'm tired, I'm living in a foreign country, and I'm beginning to lose my grasp of the English language," says Melanie Clegg." However...
"I think after the lack of sleep that OBO offers both you and the public at large, you could now qualify for long-distance dog-sledding. Not many sports require a state of consciousness and awareness over several consecutive days, but I'm now seeing the similarities between a long race and Test-match cricket. Here I sit, nearly as far north as you can get in Norway, diligently following OBO while I repair dog harnesses. Difficult to share either joy or despair with a Norwegian, when they don't have the faintest idea about cricket. Here it's all handball. Why make a sport out of a foul?
"How many OBO readers do you think there are? I'm training and racing my sled dogs to raise money for The Christie Charity. The main race (300 miles) is in March, so I haven't yet done much to publicise things. I've already covered over 600 miles in training. If every OBO reader donated 60p (10p per 100 miles) to my JustGiving page, we could find out how many of them are awake just now.
"Oh, well. Worth a shot. Meanwhile, good to see another wicket. Can you not produce two version of OBO - the real one plus an alternative, that includes the word WICKET a little more often?"
Fantasy OBO. What a great idea. WICKET! Australia 0-2 (Bradman c Marsh b Igglesden 0). And come on, you clowns, give generously. It's Chri It's Boxing Day!
Plea for cricket department "I'm doing the dutiful daughter thing for the holidays," says Kat Petersen. "Maybe you could be lovely and ask the OBO if there's anywhere I can watch it in Berlin? Someone's house would be perfectly acceptable." I've heard some excuses in my time…
It's still raining, fairly heavily in fact, so the resumption will be delayed. England will have time to dwell on Perth, where they let Australia off the hook from 69 for five, but equally they will think that the Aussies could be rolled for 150 here, especially as the rain will freshen up a wicket that didn't really need much freshening.
England will certainly hope and expect to get Steve Smith early. He has had a touch of the Liebenbergs since coming into the side in Perth but, although his technique is idiosyncratic to say the least, he does have a bit of ticker. And on the same ground four years ago, Australia had a No6 who appeared to be a walking wicket. Andrew Symonds went into that match with an average of 18 from 11 Tests. I forget how he got on.
All this talk of walking wickets has made me come over a nostalgic one. Who else has there been in Tests against England? Vikram Rathore was one. Time to get jiggy with Statsguru.
Walking wickets of the world unite Here's a list of top six batsmen with the lowest averages against England in Test series in the last 20 years (in which they played at least two Tests). I'd forgotten about a couple of big ones: Michael Bevan getting roughed up in 1997 and Andrew Hudson in 1994. I'd also forgotten about Azha in 1996, although that's understandable given the beauty and volume of runs scored by the Holy Trinity in that series. Poor old Min Patel.
2.30am GMT Sky are killing time by showing highlights of the 1986-87 series. It was just before my time, so I've only recently realised quite how monstrous an innings Ian Botham played in the first innings of the first Test. To set the tone so decisively – and with such a mullet – was very special indeed; 138 from 174 balls was a daft rate of scoring in those days, even more so in view of England's form ("Can't bat, can't bowl, can't field") and the fact they hadn't won a Test for 15 months. You can watch highlights of that innings here. And here are highlights of Beefy's filthy five-for at the MCG on the same tour.
2.35am GMT It's still raining. Weatherman's job please!
2.38am It's no longer raining, and the covers are coming off. Thanks for all the information re: Berlin's little-known cricket subculture, which I've forwarded on to Kat Petersen. Belushi's seems to be the best/sole option.
2.42am GMT "Howsabout, now the rain seems to be stopping, we can have the teams published," says Math Scott. "Please. Thanks, sport-news site." I've been upbraided by a man called Math. Merry Christmas folks! Actually, I've never understand why people abbreviate their name to Math (especially if they're called Suzie, honk): you're just inviting diabolical nicknames like 'Youdothe'.
Australia Watson, Hughes, Ponting (c), Clarke, Hussey, Smith, Haddin (wk), Johnson, Harris, Siddle, Hilfenhaus.
England Strauss (c), Cook, Trott, Pietersen, Collingwood, Bell, Prior (wk), Bresnan, Swann, Tremlett, Anderson.
2.43am Play will start in 12 minutes' time. So. That's a nice little break for England. As well as possibly livening up the pitch, it means England's seamers will be able to bowl through to tea and beyond.
2.45am "Re: Sean Ingle's comment in the 20th over," begins Sarah Cox. "Come on then Mr Smyth - tell us about your arse. (Sorry, I'm a bit over-excited.)" My arse? To misquote Greg Thomas: it's red, it's round and it weighs a bit more than five ounces.
26th over: Australia 63-4 (Clarke 14, Smith 3) Anderson has three balls left of his eighth over, which he started before lunch. Smith punches the second confidently through the covers for three to get off the mark. Tea has been pushed back to 4.40am English time – just under two hours – with the close of play sometime in 2011. "After England were strangled in Perth, the press here went mad talking about how Australia now had the 'momentum'," says Brendan Jones. "Has there ever been such a ridiculous concept in sport? England had a solid draw in Brisbane then smashed Australia by an innings and plenty in Adelaide. England had 'momentum' aplenty but a fat lot of good that did them in Perth. Can we make banal, cliché-ridden sports journalism illegal?" Only if I get an exemption from any punishment on the grounds that, er, I meant well.
27th over: Australia 66-4 (Clarke 14, Smith 6) Tim Bresnan replaces Graeme Swann from the other end. He's a fascinating case, Bresnan. No matter how many boxes he ticks — and he ticked a few more during a good spell this morning — he will always be Bressie lad, or the big lad, or not bad for a stout lad. His second ball is forced through the covers for three more by Smith. That was a good over, with everything to Clarke just fractionally back of a good length. "Pitch might be tickled but the damp outfield might hinder reverse," says Lord Selvey.
28th over: Australia 66-4 (Clarke 14, Smith 6) Smith plays all around Anderson's first delivery, which jags back to rap him on the pad. Too high. Then he leaves a delivery that swerves back and just goes over the top. "Has that gone through the stumps?" says Bumble. Extraordinary. Smith really is kinda funny-lookin at the crease. An excellent maiden from Anderson, who in a parallel universe already has 20 wickets in the series. "Your arse," begins Prahalad Bhat, promisingly. "If I remember right Greg Thomas said those words to Viv Richards, sledging him. The ball was promptly smashed out of the ground the next over. So who is the Guardian's Sir Viv to your Thomas? Or was that a subtle pass at Ms. Cox? If it was, no wonder you need luck to get the pretty girls, as you state in your preamble." I wasn't talking about myself in the premable. It was a general example. Put general example.
29th over: Australia 66-4 (Clarke 14, Smith 6) A maiden from Bresnan to Clarke. England are 'bowling dry', to use the vogue phrase, building pressure through maidens. Am I the only person who had never heard the phrase 'bowling dry' until Perth, and now keep hearing it every 12 seconds? Also, am I the only one who finds the phrase a little uncomfortable? What next: bowling moist? "I too have an eight month old, and I agree with Dave Adams he is a far quicker crawler than this run rate at the moment, says Andy Wilson. " This morning he is attempting to walk with one of those 'zimmerframe-on-wheels-and-annoying-talking-buttons' first-walker he got for Christmas, and has managed to wipe-out exactly four times, each one coinciding with a fall of a wicket...is it because Daddy has his attention elsewhere perhaps?" Who is this Daddy fellow?
WICKET! Australia 66-5 (Smith c Prior b Anderson 6) Bowling dry brings its reward. Anderson has a huge shout for LBW against Smith rightly turned down by Aleem Dar, but he gets his man two balls later with a fine delivery: pretty full and moving away off the seam as Smith pushes unconvincingly away from his body. The ball took a thin edge and went straight through to Matt Prior. Smith didn't need to play at that, and he does look out of his depth at No6.
30th over: Australia 71-5 (Clarke 14, Haddin 5) Haddin is turned round by his first ball and edges it low and through the cordon for four. This is a huge partnership in the context of the match, the series and indeed the entire known universe.
31st over: Australia 71-5 (Clarke 14, Haddin 5) Bresnan curves a cracker past the groping Haddin. His length has been superb today. Haddin is beaten again next ball, this time after the windiest of woofs well wide of off stump. Another maiden from Bresnan, whose figures are exceptional: 10-5-16-1. "I seem to recall a wager between two denizens of GU Towers as to whether Bresnan would take 50 Test match wickets in his England career," says Marie Meyer. "I think you were the one backing him. Any of this ringing any bells?" None whatsoever. But then I assume this took place during the Bangladesh series earlier in the year, and I paid a helluva lot of money to have that entire series, Tamim Iqbal's innings excepted, professionally erased from my memory bank.
32nd over: Australia 72-5 (Clarke 15, Haddin 5) Anderson tries a surprise yorker and Clarke works it off his toe for a single. That's the only run of the over, and Australia are going nowhere fast. "As far as I've been able to tell in my (admittedly short) life, the most effective way to win the beautiful people over is with the element of surprise, which probably holds true here," says Natasha Salwan. "That, or with a lot of drink. Hmm."
33rd over: Australia 77-5 (Clarke 20, Haddin 5) That was nearly another wicket. Clarke drove very loosely at an awayswinger from Bresnan and the ball just cleared the substitute Morgan, leaping spectacularly to his left at point. "I'm actually in favour of having Bressie in the team, due to the frankly despicable sight of teams filled with metrosexual manbag modellers trying to sledge each other," says Gareth Fitzgerald. "If KP, Johnson, Anderson or Watson with his waxed body sledged me, I'd break out in hysterics. Someone like Bresnan has a bit more authority and menace when he tells you you're effing ess."
WICKET! Australia 77-6 (Clarke c Prior b Anderson 20) Postman! Tell the neighbourhood! Australia are 77 for six! Clarke lunges desperately at another good delivery from Anderson that moves just enough to take the edge on its way through to Prior. Very similar to the Smith dismissal – Clarke didn't need to play – and England are in a stunning position. They have denied the Aussies the oxygen of runs, and that has made their batsmen do silly things.
34th over: Australia 77-6 (Haddin 5, Johnson 0) "Who could question Bresnan's metronomic line and length at the moment?" says Piers Adamson. "He looks born for this Test, just adding simple ball by ball pressure that Boycott would thoroughly approve of and not just because he's a Yorkshireman. Pressure, steady steady pressure. What a fantastic response to the Aussie braggadocio after Perth. Real steel in this England team. Clarke must score big or Aus are in deep, deep trouble." You said it.
WICKET! Australia 77-7 (Haddin c Strauss b Bresnan 5) Now this is what I call a Christmas present. England are running riot! Bresnan draws Haddin into a huge drive — another very loose stroke, it has to be said — and it flies off the edge to Strauss at first slip. England have bowled extremely well, but Australia's batting has been shocking. Disgraceful in fact.
35th over: Australia 77-7 (Johnson 0, Harris 0) That's back-to-back wicket maidens, and Bresnan's figures are quite outstanding: 12-6-21-2. "My son is learning a tough lesson in self-reliance today," says Andy Wilson. "He's just going to have to walk on his own." At this rate he'll be changing his own nappies, running marathons and cooking dinner by teatime.
WICKET! Australia 77-8 (Johnson c Prior b Anderson 0) And to think some people say familiarity breeds contempt! It's yet another catch behind the wicket, with Johnson thin-edging a fine legcutter angled across him from over the wicket. Unlike so many before, Johnson was fairly blameless, but Australia are 77 for eight. Postman!
36th over: Australia 78-8 (Harris 0, Siddle 1) The scoreline needs no further comment from me.
37th over: Australia 82-8 (Harris 0, Siddle 5) Siddle edges Bresnan towards third slip, where Swann dives forward to grab the ball and then signals that he's not sure whether it carried. Once those go upstairs they are always given not out, and that's the case here, even though David Gower in the Sky box reckons it was probably a clean catch. Anyway, let's remember Perth, remember that England have to bat in these tricky (though far from 82-8) conditions, and most of all let's remember that England have just unwrapped a parcel named Momentum. "Breserotica," phrase-coins Gareth Fitzgerald. "Who can doubt this man now? The wimminfolk of Ilkley Moor Bah Tat will have to dance round their handbags for a while to attract this man-gods attention. He'll be skittling batting line-ups, biffing an agricultural century, working on t'coalface, drinking his own (considerable) body weight in stout and lathering the effing ess out of Mike Tyson with his other hand. Malt Whisky and cricket? Marvellous."
38th over: Australia 86-8 (Harris 4, Siddle 5) Harris top-edges an attempted pull off Anderson over the slips for four. He seems to add four more to the total when an errant delivery flies to fine leg off his rump, but Aleem Dar signals dead ball because Harris was not playing a shot. A bit harsh, that. "Is this the worst Australia side ever?" honks Rob Shine.
39th over: Australia 89-8 (Harris 4, Siddle 8) Tremlett replaces Bresnan, and his first ball is pinged through the covers for three by Siddle. Harris then fresh-airs a windy woof. The lower order might as well play their shots here. It's the best approach, as we saw at Perth, but it also means they'll have more time to bowl at England today. Ryan Harris in particular could be a real threat in these conditions. "Is this what you asked Santa to bring you?" says Ben Hendy. "It seems to be meeting my Christmas wishes. As a fan of a good statting, I thought you might be interested in this little list I have conjured." A fan of good statting? That's like saying I'm a fan of oxygen.
40th over: Australia 92-8 (Harris 4, Siddle 11) Okay, joke's over: I made it all up. Australia are 172 for none and Phil Hughes is on 169, having been dropped 17 times. Merry Christmas!
WICKET! Australia 92-9 (Siddle c Prior b Tremlett 11) Is it still deja vu if it happens again and again and again? This is like so many other dismissals today: in the slot, loose drive, thin edge to Prior. That's Prior's fifth catch of the innings. What was it David Saker said about driving on this pitch on the first two days?
41st over: Australia 92-9 (Harris 4, Hilfenhaus 0) "Christmas Day in New Delhi: tried Indian port," says John Butler. Oh that sounds nice, I guess you'd recomm- "Absolutely disgusting. Tasted like off Vimto. Crawled to the TV at five holding off the urge to vomit - a few hours later I've made the perfect poached eggs. Deep saucepan, water simmering, splash of vinegar, spin the water, as the vortex slows gently drop the egg in, leave for three minutes then pick it out with a spatula and check white is hard yolk is soft. Slam it on toast cracked pepper, a grating of cheese and a generous helping of Aussie wickets. Absolutely divine." I still like the sound of that port.
42nd over: Australia 98-9 (Harris 10, Hilfenhaus 0) Harris back cuts Anderson for four to take Australia closer to 100. The last time they were bowled out in double figures against England was in 1968. I thought it was 1956 but I misused Statsguru. The shame. They'll be talking about it in the village for years!
WICKET! Australia 98 all out (Hilfenhaus c Prior b Tremlett 0) You might want to sit down before you hear this: England have bowled Australia out in double figures. Hilfenhaus edges Tremlett through to — yep — Matt Prior, who takes his sixth catch, and I honestly don't know what to say. 98 all out. Four for Tremlett, four for Anderson and two for Bresnan. At times like these, when words cannot do justice to what we have seen, it's best to get knee deep in statistics and try to make sense of it all that way. England's batsmen were the Statsguru-botherers in the first two Tests, and now the bowlers have had their turn. This is what they have just achieved.
TEA "I see ," says Dan Smith, "that Australia have successfully removed Graeme Swann from the equation again."
Andrew Ward wins bet to shoehorn Spanish Tempranillo into OBO department "It's instructive to compare this England performance - studied, good concentration and good purpose - with the shenanigans against India at home a couple of years ago - schoolboy, gung-ho and aimless - and any manner of Tempranillo reds from Spain, be it the 2006 Alion or the Pintia of the same vintage. What I was about to say is that some things (Spanish Tempranillos) are ever the same and others - the England cricket team - have been reinvented."
1st over: England 1-0 (Strauss 1, Cook 0) The sun has come out for the start of this marathon evening session — 47 overs remain — and that is good news for England. Australia are in so much trouble here that their heads will hurt just thinking about it. If they don't take at least four wickets tonight they will be right on the brink. I think Ryan Harris could do some damage for them. Anyway, Ben Hilfenhaus's first over contains some promising swing, and Strauss gets off the mark with a quick single into the covers.
2nd over: England 1-0 (Strauss 1, Cook 0) Harris angles a good one across Strauss, who pulls his bat inside the line at the last minute. A maiden. England will just bat time against the new ball, as they should in these conditions. "House of Fraser vouchers great, new socks lovely, daughter's train set great fun (she won't get a look in) but who needs Father Christmas when you've got Jimmy and Chris..." says Dave Forrest. "Time for the batsmen to grind it out though." Which is something they struggled to do against the moving ball in the summer. But if they get through today relatively unscathed they will surely put this series beyond Australia.
3rd over: England 4-0 (Strauss 3, Cook 1) Cook gets off the mark with a work to leg, and then Strauss pulls a couple into the wide open spaces on the leg side. The first three overs have been very comfortable for England. The ball hasn't swung at all in the last two. "Clutching at straws department - 1977 Centenary Test," says Andrew Pinkerton. "We were all out for 138 and still won the Test. But then, in those days, we had a guy called Dennis Keith Lillee..." Ah but now you've got the man DK Lillee called a "once-in-a-generation bowler".
4th over: England 12-0 (Strauss 4, Cook 8) Cook pushes Harris through extra cover for a couple and then, later in the over, edges a push along the ground to third man for four. The MCG is silent. You could hear a tinnie drop. "Would love to be basking in the sunshine of the great Boycott's smiles right now," says Martin Cunning, who at least has the next best thing, "but sitting in a hotel room in South Beach, Miami, sipping Napa Valley's finest whilst glued to the OBO will do for now when the Australian batting order implodes like this. I'm a Celtic-supporting Glaswegian, for what its worth, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely thrilled to bits with the way things are looking right now for Bresnan and the boys - and all in front of the Boxing Day MCG crowd as well, heh heh, what larks! Poor old Punter must be putting on the panties....... Peace & turkey grease x." Am I the only sober person in the entire world?
5th over: England 14-0 (Strauss 6, Cook 8) Strauss clunks a full delivery from Hilfenhaus through the covers for two. He didn't really get hold of it, and the outfield is very slow. It's not swinging at all for Hilfenhaus, so Strauss is able to defend comfortably. Johnson is getting loose, and Australia need a second once-in-a-generation spell from him in as many Tests. I can't believe it has come to this already. "The advantage about following today's OBO in the US is that today's play is an extra, long-lasting, Christmas present," says Stefan Llewellyn Smith. "My sister-in-law has asked to be taken to a cricket game. Not sure where we'll find one in Boulder or in San Diego. I used to see people practice cricket on a UCSD playing field, but the field has since been paved over and replaced by more engineering buildings. That's progress for you."
6th over: England 25-0 (Strauss 11, Cook 13) It will be Mitchell Johnson to replace Ryan Harris. His first over is a hodgepodge of line and length that includes a cut for three by Strauss, a deliberate uppercut for four by Cook and, more importantly for England, no swing. Eleven from the over. "Well I'm sure you're enjoying this!" says Terry Baucher. "Here in beautiful sunny Auckland it's been extremely entertaining hearing the Channel 9 commentators slide steadily from confidence to clutching at any straw available. There is nothing sweeter to these ears than Australians trying to talk up a fiasco. (And believe me they are trying.)"
8th over: England 31-0 (Strauss 17, Cook 13) Having a few technical problems; that's not a euphemism for me falling asleep in a pool of my own disbelief. You haven't missed much. Strauss cut Harris, who has switched ends, just over the leaping Hussey at gully and away for four. But otherwise England look extremely comfortable and are already almost a third of the way towards a first-innings lead.
9th over: England 33-0 (Strauss 18, Cook 14) A couple of singles from Harris's over. The sun is out, the ball is not moving sideways in the air or off the pitch, and even hardened English cricket vets are struggling to see how this can go wrong. "Drop-in pitch, they say," says Alistair. "Looks like it was dropped in straight from Headingley." Where, of course, Australia were rolled for 88 in the summer. England could hardly have chosen a more perfect wicket. But thank goodness they won the toss, or we could all be sat here weeping furiously right now.
10th over: England 42-0 (Strauss 22, Cook 15) Johnson gets one to lift from a length at Strauss, who softens the hands just enough to edge it short of the slips and through for four. A lovely delivery, but the next ball is utter garbage, speared down the leg side for four byes. I've no idea why it wasn't given as wides. "Am feeling a little bit sorry for myself as my shoes I bought for this hike are too small, bloody Malaysian feet," says John. "My blisters have miraculously disappeared and the shoes now fit after hearing the Australian score." Medical research would be a doddle if everyone supported the England cricket team.
11th over: England 44-0 (Strauss 22, Cook 17) This series is daft. 517 for one. 623 for five. 98 all out. And it's still only 1-1. "It was ten days ago we begged fellow OBO fans for an appropriate watermelon cocktail recipe," says Kevin Bowman. "As no help was forthcoming in our search for satisfying beachly drinkies, we can only assume that our plea was taken in the wrong spirit. That we were bragging; rubbing it in as it were. Let us set the record straight by pointing out the problems involved in watching this engrossing series from a beach in the Siamese Gulf. Firstly, we have to wake at NINE in the morning to catch the start........we are on holiday after all. Yesterday the temperature dropped to 24 degrees and we had to put on shirts. Either a Flip or a Flop was lost. (Do people with two left feet wear Flip Flips?) The crashing surf sometimes makes it hard to hear the commentary. Also, one of the lads got slightly sunburned. On a brighter note, after much experimentation, vodka and a teaspoon of honey has been agreed by all to be Absolutly the perfect watermelon accompaniment." I would hate you, but negative emotion is, like, so yesterday. World peace would be a doddle if everyone supported the England cricket team.
12th over: England 46-0 (Strauss 24, Cook 17) Peter Siddle replaces Mitchell Johnson (3-0-17-0). That gets the crowd going a wee bit, with him being the only Victorian in the side. His first ball lifts sharply past Strauss, who responds by pushing the next ball down the ground for two. England are cruising. Thanks, by the way, for all the responses to Stefan Llewellyn Smith's email in the fifth over. I'll forward them on to him at the close of play.
13th over: England 46-0 (Strauss 24, Cook 17) A maiden from Harris to Cook. England have left the ball well so far. Apart from Michael Hussey, Australia had no idea — or did not care — where their off stump was. The more their innings marinates, the more it stinks. There were some appalling strokes. "I've now sort of got sober and checked the scores on your scorecard, the BBC and cricinfo and so unless someone is playing a monumental joke on me, we do seem to be in the box seats," says Clare Davies. "All seems a bit Through the Looking Glass-ish and it seems that Mitchell "Fragile, handle with care" Johnson is not doing so well at the G. In fact, the Aussies aren't having much fun at all, are they? Please tell me it's all true and that Cookie and Straussie are indeed still there in the middle and I am not imagining this Boxing Day start."
14th over: England 52-0 (Strauss 30, Cook 17) Strauss pings Siddle wide of mid on for four to bring up the fifty partnership. They are now just 46 runs behind. I'm still not convinced this is actually happening. "Sat in front of the computer, listening to TMS for the first time since getting back from Vietnam last week," says Dan Hatfield. "Aussies out for 98, could things get any better? Yes actually, I could be at the MCG like 10 of my friends are. All of them wearing T-shirts gently mocking my absence. It's ok though, because they won't get to go to Wolves v Wigan later today. In their faces." If that game gets called off you'll look a right plonker.
15th over: England 52-0 (Strauss 30, Cook 17) Hilfenhaus replaces Harris, and it's a maiden to Cook. Australia look very flat in the field. It's time for drinks. "What a huge crowd," says David Thomas. "Yet another world record for Australian sport! Makes one wonder just how many red-blooded, macho Aussies will be able to tell their grandchildren in years to come, 'Yep, I was part of it - I was there Boxing Day, 2010!'"
16th over: England 52-0 (Strauss 30, Cook 17) Strauss leaves almost everything in that Siddle over, which is a maiden. This has been a very methodical partnership. England are much better when they play cold, disciplined, almost emotionless cricket. They got sucked in a little during that hot-blooded affair at Perth, but today they have returned to their best. "I love you all," weeps Ian Rose.
17th over: England 57-0 (Strauss 34, Cook 18) Strauss tucks two more off his pads. Sky show an excellent Hawkeye graphic of the ten dismissals today: only one was anyway near hitting the stumps. "What is undoubtedly superior to the combination of vodka, honey and watermelon is a largeish cube of watermelon in a glass of chilled, undiluted Hendrick's gin," hics Josh Robinson. "For best results keep the gin and the glasses in the freezer. However, I'll be sticking with the Macallan for the rest of the night."
18th over: England 57-0 (Strauss 34, Cook 18) A maiden from Siddle. So how do Australia get out of this? Realistically, the best they can hope for is a deficit of around 200. Then they have to summon the spirit of Colombo 1992 and hope that England panic in the fourth innings. "In Thailand and surrounds I always found that the local firewater, Mekhong whisky, went very well with juices extracted from the local luscious fruits," says Jeffrey Feim. "Especially nice was the fresh mandarine juice well spiked with Mekhong. Mekhong whisky is really more akin to rum, given that it is principally distilled from sugar cane extract. Is the Ashes series over yet?" Ssssh. We thought that when England were 60-odd for none at Perth.
19th over: England 57-0 (Strauss 34, Cook 18) Australia are bowling wide of off stump, trying to bore the batsmen out, but you'll do well to do that with Strauss and Cook. Strauss ignores everything he doesn't have to play at, so it's another maiden. You have to feel for the Australian bowlers: their batting teammates have given them a sow's ear and said, 'Silk purse please!'
20th over: England 58-0 (Strauss 34, Cook 19) Siddle has a huge shout for LBW against Cook turned down by Aleem Dar. Cook planted his front leg and was in big trouble when the ball straightened, but it looked too high and replays confirmed it. Excellent umpiring from Aleem Dar - and from Brad Haddin, who advised his captain not to review the decision. "I get the impression that over the past few hours Nasser has decided to mount a one-man campaign to bring back the leave," says Marie Meyer. "So he has put more time and effort into analyzing the leaves than the shots. Kind of interesting, actually."
21st over: England 58-0 (Strauss 34, Cook 19) "I think you're absolutely right about emotionless cricket," says Gavin Phillipson. "Watching England batting this innings, they're palpably relaxed, feeling no need to force the scoring, happy to leave, leave, leave, then tuck the slightly straighter one away; watch the bowlers tire gradually; expand the range of slots slowly. They seem to have recaptured the Adelaide mindset. And is there significance in the Perth/Headingley match-up - a big loss coming straight after a big victory, followed by a sharp return to form and dominance? (Oval/Melbourne? (tempting fate).)" I think people have been too harsh on momentum recently. Poor old momentum; it only meant well. It didn't want to hurt nobody. And I still think it is a very relevant sporting concept - just not where these two little girls with their little curls are concerned.
22nd over: England 58-0 (Strauss 34, Cook 19) Having tried to bore Strauss out, Siddle now decides to try to beat him up. One very good bouncer whistles past his nose in the course of a very good maiden. "Statsguru couldn't answer this one," says Brendan Jones, who will next be telling us that Santa Claus doesn't exist. "Has England ever got a lead on the first innings with no wickets down? Someone out there might know, or at least know how to write the Statsguru query that produces the answer." Didn't they do it against Bangladesh in 2005?
23rd over: England 66-0 (Strauss 34, Cook 27) After just one run in five overs, Cook releases what pressure there was with two boundaries in three balls off Hilfenhaus: a push down the ground and a withering cut stroke. "Rob, CMJ has just welcomed any listeners, joining TMS at 6.00, with the line 'It's been a very good day for England'," says Tim Woollias. "Exactly what would have to have happened for it to be 'magnificent' or 'extraordinary'?" Well, Australia did reach double figures.
23rd over: England 70-0 (Strauss 34, Cook 27) Ryan Harris replaces Peter Siddle, and his first ball swings down the leg side for four byes. As with Johnson's earlier, they should surely have been given as wides. Strauss plays a lazy flap-hook later in the over and is lucky not to get a touch on the ball as it zips through to Haddin. "You have to feel for the Australian bowlers?" sniffs Bob Bain. "Up your medication."
Sorry about this folks. All sorts of technical tomfoolery going on. England have gone into the lead, with the score 103 for none, and Alastair Cook has had an LBW decision overturned on review.
32nd over: England 109-0 (Strauss 44, Cook 54) I think our tools might be working again, just in time for the return of Mitchell Johnson (3-0-17-0). His second ball is short, wide and slapped for four by Cook. That brings up a very good half-century, from 93 balls with eight fours. He was given out LBW to Ben Hilfenhaus on 27, but he asked for the review straight away and replays showed a big inside-edge. Since then he has rattled along, with the cut stroke in very good order. "Are you guys alright?" says Bob Bain. "You haven't had a seizure or anything have you?"
33rd over: England 109-0 (Strauss 44, Cook 54) A maiden from Watson, most of which I missed when the computer crashed again. Is provocation a legitimate defence if you assault a computer?
34th over: England 112-0 (Strauss 46, Cook 55) Strauss works Johnson off the pads for two, which takes him past 6000 Test runs. Not bad for a bloke who made his debut at 27.
35th over: England 115-0 (Strauss 47, Cook 57) Watson is lumbering in reluctantly, with a man at silly mid-on for Cook. Nothing happens. These are almost free runs for England, and Australia must be dying to get off the field and start again tomorrow. "On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: an Australian batting collapse and an unbroken England opening stand," says Emma John, dispensing with niceties such as rhyme in order to make a pretty undeniable point.
36th over: England 124-0 (Strauss 48, Cook 64) Johnson is wided for a very short delivery to Cook. who cuts the next ball for three. This is a rout. On Sky, Shane Warne says that Australia have to bring on a spinner, either Steve Smith or Michael Clarke. They could bring on Warne and Clarrie Grimmett; it doesn't matter. If Australia get out of this and win the Ashes, it'll make 1981 seem like an everyday tale by comparison.
37th over: England 128-0 (Strauss 50, Cook 66) Steven Smith comes on to bowl for the first time in the series, and Strauss takes a quick single to mid-on to reach his 23rd Test fifty. Well played. Four singles from the over. "Okay we've had our fun, but enough is enough," says Chris Pearce. "Time to tell Clare Davies that yes, it really is just a big joke on her. Did Ponting reach 150 yet?"
38th over: England 135-0 (Strauss 54, Cook 69) Strauss flashes a cut behind square for four off Johnson. He's going at a run a ball. England are collecting runs at will. This is preposterous. England are 134 for nought in reply to Australia's 98. In Australia. At the MCG. On Boxing Day. In front of 90,000 Australian fans. Poor old Mo Mentum. After this series, nobody will ever trust a word he says again.
39th over: England 138-0 (Strauss 55, Cook 71) Strauss dances down the track to Smith and screams the ball back whence it came. It was a bump ball, and Smith managed to take most of the pace off the ball, so it was only a single. "Dare I try to improve on Emma John's ditty?" says David Toze. "'On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me/Eleven wilting Aussies and Strauss 'n' Cook each with fifty…'"
40th over: England 138-0 (Strauss 55, Cook 71) Siddle replaces Johnson (7-0-42-0). He's been Australia's best bowler today and that's another tight over to Cook. A maiden. "Chris Pearce (37th over), I don't think Punter has 150 runs in total in this series," says Sara Torvalds. "Which, frankly, is stunning." Before today he had the highest strike-rate on either side in the series, which is a wee bit odd.
41st over: England 147-0 (Strauss 56, Cook 79) England are playing Smith very comfortably for now, and Cook pulls consecutive boundaries - the first wide of mid-on and the second high over midwicket. "Just got up in an eerily quiet Jo'burg and checked cricinfo for team news before the start of BIG TEST in Durban... saw Aus bundled out for 98 and almost collapsed myself," says Jan Wessels. "Well done is in order I guess!" Thanks, but to be honest I just tried to put the words in the right areas and let the wickets take care of themselves.
42nd over: England 148-0 (Strauss 57, Cook 79) One from Siddle's over. How the hell do Australia get out of this? If the pitch dies, as drop-in pitches often do, maybe they could bat two-and-a-bit days to save it, but I don't fancy theirs much. It's staggering that they are in such a mess before the end of the first day.
43rd over: England 151-0 (Strauss 60, Cook 79) Strauss, driving at Smith, edges wide of slip for a couple to bring up the 150 partnership. It's been clinical stuff. "Not that I'm a sucker for hyperbole, but quite possibly the best day in the history of English cricket, if not the universe?" says Andy Seaman. "Discuss!" I still have a soft spot for the first day at Lord's in 1993.
44th over: England 153-0 (Strauss 62, Cook 79) Strauss pulls Siddle for two. I don't know about you, but I am very tired, and very happy.
45th over: England 156-0 (Strauss 64, Cook 80) Strauss edges Smith again, and this time it falls a fraction short of Clarke at slip. Strauss played for turn that wasn't there.
47th over: England 157-0 (Strauss 64, Cook 80) More technical problems. Bah! Anyway, that's the end of one of England's greatest ever days in Test cricket, a day we'll be talking about for as long as we can flap our gums. They are 59 runs ahead with ten first-innings wickets remaining; they have four whole days to seal the deal and retain the Ashes. Sleep on it; it might make more sense then. Thanks for all your emails and sorry for the technical problems. See you tonight.
