A small tip for new Conservative MPs arriving today

Ah, the first day at school. The frisson of excitement and fear, the squeak of new shoes, the swish of new and slightly too-big blazers…

There are more than 100 new Tory MPs arriving at the Commons today. I can't help them avoid the usual ritual abuse of having their dinner money stolen and heads flushed down the toilets by the sixth-formers. But I can offer one insight into their first meetings with the Chief Whip, passed on by a vetaran of the whips' office. He says:

We get them in to the office and the deputy chief greets them. He tells them the chief will be in soon. And when he arrives, it's traditional to stand up.

Then we wait five minutes, so they're a bit nervous, and the chief comes in with a face like thunder. They leap to their feet. And the chief says to them: "Good, now we know you can do as you're told. Keep it up and you'll be fine."

This sort of thing used to be a semi-comic aspect of Westminster life, but now, it's deadly serious. Whoever governs is not going to have votes to spare — getting all members through the right lobby will be a matter of life and death.

The behaviour of the new intake Tories is going to be crucially important. We know that they include a few non-traditional politicians who have promised to put their constituency above their party. Who knows whether that determination will decide the fate of the next government?

(Tory whips, I hear, have a list of people they are particularly looking forward to working with… oddly enough, several of the names on it belong to Old Etonians… clearly David Cameron's old school tie isn't enough to convince his business managers of good behaviour…)