Dave and Ed go on a stag night rampage

I hope I don’t ever encounter David Cameron and Ed Miliband on a boys’ night out.

I only raise the prospect because Mr Miliband opened PMQs by saying he would like some advice from Mr Cameron on his forthcoming stag night.

Actually, Mr Cameron started it by congratulating Mr Miliband and his partner Justine on their forthcoming marriage. Mr Miliband replied: “I may be coming to him for advice in the next few weeks. I know he knows how to organise memorable stag nights.” No doubt this was meant to be a class-hatred drenched reference to the Prime Minister’s raucous Bullingdon Club days. MPs laughed. But from the look on the faces of Mr Miliband and Mr Cameron this was no joke.

The angry, loutish clashes that followed were, in fact, terrifying. It made you suspect that these two would probably lay waste to a city centre if they were to go on the same stag do.

They got stuck into each other like two drunken revellers after a hard night’s marauding through the pubs and clubs of Dublin or Manchester.

Ed threw a dirty punch by asking Dave if he had cut police numbers or not. Dave shouted back that Home Office figures showed that numbers would in fact go up, which was basically to say: “Come on then! Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough!”

Ed shouted back that he fully intended to. He said his research showed that 2,000 front-line officers were going.

Dave yelled that he had seen the shadow home secretary on television admitting that Labour would have cut numbers. Tory MPs ranged behind Dave laughed and cried “more!” but I bet what they really wanted to shout was “here we go! here we go! here we go!”

You felt that any minute Dave, who was exceedingly red-faced, would take his jacket off and roll his shirt sleeves up, possibly take his watch off as well. “Not for the first time the right honourable gentleman is completely wrong!” he yelled.

Then he started mocking Ed for taking part in the spending cuts protest, for talking “nonsense” and for making a “ridiculous spectacle” of himself as he addressed a rally in Hyde Park which was against cuts his own government caused.

“He’s standing in a great big pool of debt,” Dave yelled. I thought he had said something else for a minute.

At this point, Ed Balls started shouting. He wanted to get in and save his friend from being completely beaten to a pulp. But before he could throw a punch, Dave shouted at him too: “I wish the shadow chancellor would shut up!”

As I say, I wouldn’t like to come across this lot in a late night city centre.