Paddington the illegal immigrant

So, Paddington Bear is to be arrested by police and interrogated over his immigration status in a book marking his 50th birthday.

Not your average asylum seeker

Author Michael Bond, who made the stowaway from Peru legendary, says he was reluctant about bringing out another book unless he had a strong contemporary storyline. So the bear will be interviewed about his right to remain in Britain.

May I suggest a few other modernised storylines for authors thinking of reprising well loved tales:

Alice in Wonderland is visited by social workers when neighbours notice she has put on alarming amounts of weight after eating and drinking too many cakes and potions. Her parents are threatened with court action unless they make her slim as part of government plans to tackle childhood obesity. When she then shrinks alarmingly she is visited by Tessa Jowell who implores her not to give in to peer pressure and images of stick thin models.

Dick Whittington, a poor but clever lad marked out for greatness, walks all the way from Gloucester to London to apply to be the Tory candidate for Mayor of London. But after a gruelling six month selection process he is beaten in the final primary by Boris Johnson.

Cinderella is delighted when a mysterious benefactor called Fairy Godmother provides her with a beautiful dress and coach to go to the ball. Unfortunately her dreams of marrying Prince Charming are ruined when it emerges that she hasn't declared the gifts in the Register of Fairytale Interests. To make matters worse, her coach incurs two speeding fines and a parking ticket.

The Owl and the Pussycat go to sea in a beautiful pea green boat. They take some honey and plenty of money but get caught up in a dispute with Spanish fishermen over cod…