Saturday Crapshoot: Pyst
Myst, as everyone who ignores people who are wrong can tell you, is a festering boil upon the gaming industry, found just off to the side of adventuring’s anus, on the itchiest part of point and click’s clammiest buttock. It landed in 1993, with its pretty graphics instantly bedazzling all who gazed upon it, especially those who found a copy stuffed with their first CD drive or nestled in the packaging of their printer for reasons that still escape all comprehension. To this day, it has armies of admirers. Unrelated, there are millions of people whose idea of a good time is watching obese members of the opposite sex bathing in porridge to the tunes of Barry Manilow. Probably. In conclusion, Myst is rubbish.
But did you ever wonder what happened to scenic Myst Island after some four million players had tramped across it? Of course not. But if you had, Pyst might just have been your answer…
Saturday Crapshoot: The Terminator
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. And at the risk of annoying any idiots who think the end of the world is coming in 2012, here’s a slightly more grounded fictional apocalypse to sink your teeth into.
Before The Elder Scrolls hit the big leagues, Bethesda was best known as the company that made Terminator games – though not necessarily the best known Terminator games. The awful platform games, with the infuriating mechanic of having to shoot human enemies in the legs to maintain the second movie’s no-killing rule? Other guys. The for-the-time-impressive light-gun game? Nope.
Instead, with the exception of the deservedly beloved FPS Future Shock, one of the first to combine on-foot action and vehicles, certainly in a way that actually made it fun to jump behind the wheel, none of them were particularly remembered. Admittedly, in the case of the action RPG style Terminator 2029 and Wolfenstein-level teched FPS Terminator: Rampage, that’s probably for the best.
But their first attempt? It’s the only Terminator game that lets you risk destroying humanity by buying Kyle Reese a pack of condoms while protecting Sarah Connor. How did that get forgotten?
Saturday Crapshoot: A Very MUGEN Christmas
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, have you ever wanted to see Santa fight GLaDOS? Of course you have! And that’s just one of the unofficial brawls you can arrange with this…
Twas the night before Christmas, and all round the net
At least a few writers weren’t quite this desperate. Yet.
They refused the cliche, the call of something so trite
As giving this old poem its millionth rewrite…
“Ah, sod it,” thought Santa, “It does fit the mood.
And ignoring Christmas would seem somewhat rude.
But where are the games celebrating the season?
There’ve barely been any! There must be a reason…”
Saturday Crapshoot: Click Video Magazine
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, if you want to know what to play, press Play!
Back at the start of the 90s, the PC was still at war with both the Amiga and the Atari ST, nobody yet felt like roadkill on the information super-highway, mullets were finally an endangered species, and simply adding the word ‘cyber’ onto a word made it the most proto-radical thing since, like, something totally triumphant. But on the plus side, Gremlins 2 was brilliant and some other things were okay.
Click isn’t simply a nostalgic glance back at those days. It’s a video time capsule that lasted just two issues, largely I suspect due to the difficulty of persuading stores to fill their shelves with VHS tapes, and its then-staggering cost of £5. Let’s crack it open and take a peek at its secret juice.
Saturday Crapshoot: Bert Higgins: The Man From HELL
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, we’re holding out for a hero. Sorry, wait. We’re holding our hands over our mouths to avoid hurting his feelings by sniggering too loudly.
In the not too distant future, a world oppressed by the shadow of Terrorism cried out for its saviour. And the counter-terrorism task-force known only as HELL listened. Its best scientists gathered and forged a plan. They made a prototype warrior; the first of many capable of doing what no mere flesh and blood man ever could. They made him strong. They made him heroic. They made him a living god.
Then they made one big mistake. They named him Bert Higgins.
Saturday Crapshoot: Biing!
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, sex may sell… but can it cure appendicitis? And can it ever hope to take over from Google as your search engine of choice?
Biing’s intro begins in the year 2156, with mankind facing extinction at the hands of an intergalactic evil in a time of dread. As civilians scream and run in terror, a fleet of battlecraft called X37-2-in-1 Strike Ships close in on their goal… EARTH. The evil Athros, Ruler of the Universe appears in all his cloaked majesty, kicking off an apocalyptic attack, and more importantly, kidnapping the beautiful anime-style Princess Pinkcheeks. But! The last remaining Earth hero steps forth, fighting back in a 2D battle that looks at least a little like the old NES shooter Lifeforce. Will he be able to defeat his foe?
No. No, he won’t. Because Biing is an erotic hospital management sim.
Things get considerably stranger from there.
Reinstall: Crusader: No Remorse
Crusader isn’t about action, or even shooting. It’s not about explosions, about story, or about saving the world from the generic totalitarian government in charge of it. It’s about being That Guy. You know the one. The one the guards have no chance of stopping. The one who just walks through any trap. The one who’s sent in alone to save the world because he and his gun are, if anything, overkill.
Action heroes don’t get much sleeker than the Silencer—an unnamed, mute super-commando who worked for the evil, all-controlling World Economic Consortium until ordered to massacre a group of civilians. Refusing, he officially switched sides and joined up with the rebels instead, lending his gun, skill, and (most importantly) awesome-looking battle armor to their noble cause. Just one glance at him tells you you’re many, many weight classes above most enemies you’ll face.
Saturday Crapshoot: The Unicorn Killer
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, we head out to catch a real criminal!
In the world of PC gaming, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime and casual gaming companies willing to churn out games about some staggeringly inappropriate things. Like this – a casual game based on a real-world killer, currently serving his time. Fun! His name is Ira Einhorn, and he evaded justice for 25 years after beating his ex-girlfriend Holly Maddux to death and stashing her corpse in his closet to fester. Yes. Really.
This is the story of how he was captured. According to Real Crimes: The Unicorn Killer.
Saturday Crapshoot: Jurassic Park: Trespasser
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, he’s sorely in need of a palate cleansing after five hours of tedium. And you know it’s bad when you resort to this to wash away unwanted memories.
On a day with Skyrim, Saints Row 3 and the Tribes Ascend beta on my PC, do you know what I wasted about five hours of my precious existence playing? That’s right – the new Jurassic Park game. Well, it claims to be a “game”, though I argue that “Jurassic Park: The Vaguely Interactive Machinima That’s Suspiciously Like Aliens For Some Strange Reason” would have been almost as snappy.
Did I like it? I did not. Do I recommend it? Only if you’re planning a time capsule full of warnings to the future. Honestly, we sent this kind of interactive movie the way of smallpox for a reason. Instead, how about taking a look back at something a bit closer to what the Jurassic Park movie deserved. Something innovative. Something ambitious. Something not shit. Trespasser is definitely two of the three.
See if you can guess which two…
Payday: The Heist review
Payday is that bit in every heist movie since time began where the poo hits the fan. At some point, our gang of four criminals in clown masks were hunched over a table in a smoky room, working out their every move with mathematical precision. Now they’re trapped in a crumbling building with the loot, every policeman in the world is kicking in the front door, and their only hope is to survive long enough to make a miracle. And then do it again on a harder difficulty setting, because Normal mode is for wimps.
Saturday Crapshoot: The (Lost) Elder Scrolls
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, he’s busy cursing empty, yet surprisingly detailed threats at Bethesda for thinking a tutorial was a good place for giant spiders. GRR! But also…
Skyrim! It’s here, it’s awesome, and you’re probably playing it right now, aren’t you? But here’s something interesting you may or may not know – while it’s officially The Elder Scrolls V, it’s actually the seventh game set in its universe – not including expansion packs like Shivering Isles and Bloodmoon, or a set of mobile games for N-Gage and cellphones. Somewhere in the middle, two went missing – and their names are Battlespire and Redguard. What happened to these lost adventures?
Saturday Crapshoot: GTA: London 1969
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, a trip back to where the legend that is Grand Theft Auto first started… give or take a few thousand miles and a quick expansion pack…
Liberty City. Vice City. San Andreas. Since the first Grand Theft Auto back in 1997, they’ve been our explosive playgrounds for criminal activity, casual murder and annoying the crap out of the Daily Mail. In GTA V, we now know we’ll be heading back to the third. But what of the city the series forgot? No, not the weird future one from GTA2 that nobody remembers. I speak of course… of London.
Saturday Crapshoot: The Blair Witch Project
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week… if you go down to the woods today, you’d better go armed to the teeth? Hmm. Wait. Somehow, that doesn’t quite sound right…
Love it or hate it, The Blair Witch Project is unquestionably the pinnacle of horror movies in which nothing actually happens. Like trees? Seinfeld? Serial killers? Then this is the film for you. It’d be a great nap movie too, if not for all the shouting. Upon release, it raised many questions, notably “Wait, people actually think this is a true story?” and “If they all died, are those zombies on the talk-show circuit?” and “Didn’t they consider just following the river until they made it out and could go buy pie?”
But for some, another, more important question beckoned. “How can we cash in on this?”
This is the story of how they failed.
Saturday Crapshoot: Bikini Karate Babes
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, prepare to see beat-em-up action like you’ve never seen it before! With women fighting in skimpy, ridiculous costum- waaaaaaaaait…
Karate translates as ‘Empty Hand’. Damn, no easy joke opportunities there! But is Bikini Karate Babes the gaming equivalent of Ronseal – primarily aqua and potassium tripolyphosphate? There’s only one way to find out, and we’re going to do so by trying something roughly 98% of online write-ups of it have never even dreamed of… actually installing the damn thing, and playing for more than ten seconds.
I know. It’s a crazy idea! But it might… just… work…
Saturday Crapshoot: Monty Python
Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week… wait for it… wait for it… It’s…
If a man’s worth can be judged on how many drunken students and parents have repeated their material, the Monty Python team is rich indeed. They’ve not done too badly in terms of more mundane success either. From the Spanish Inquisition to the Dead Parrot, to the cinematic masterpiece that was Life of Brian, there’s no sense pretending you don’t know who they are. (Though if you don’t, you’d probably best avoid sitting down with a notepad for that upcoming Holy Flying Circus thing…)
But did you know there have been Monty Python games? Five of them to be exact, four on PC. How do you turn the anarchic surrealism of a sketch where anything can happen, but will probably get forgotten due to not being about Vikings singing about spam, into a game? Let’s find out…
