From January to July, there have been 821 firearms discovered in carry-on bags at checkpoints across the country. That’s almost four firearms per day!

I would have given anything to be a fly on the wall at the Gallup Organization last week after it released a poll that suggested more than half of all Americans believe the TSA is doing a "good" or "excellent" job.

The survey, which Gallup claims is self-funded and carries no ideological agenda, is sure to be used by the agency assigned to protect America's transportation systems to defend its current practices.

But the fly on the wall would have probably seen another side of the story: The hand-wringing and consternation among Gallup's pollsters, who darken the door of an airport every now and then. They must have known the results would be used to promote more of the nonsense we've seen since 2001.

They must have felt like unwitting accomplices.

Even though Gallup's survey, and others like it, have been criticized, they haven't been discredited. And because they haven't been fully debunked, you can be sure the stats will emerge in a post on the TSA's blog or in a letter to the editor from an agency apologist or in a Congressional report, in which the TSA requests additional funds to "secure" America's borders.

The TSA relies on the work of unwitting accomplices like pollsters who ask irresponsible questions and tourists who offer uninformed answers to a survey. Without them, convincing the flying public that these allegedly unconstitutional airport searches are for their own good, would be considerably more difficult. And perhaps even, impossible.

But others are helping the TSA, too. Just last week, the White House pulled a petition that asked the president to require TSA to "follow the law." If the petition had received 25,000 signatures, the administration would have been obligated to publicly respond. The petition was 9,000 signatures short when it was allowed to expire
under what some observers call href="http://tsanewsblog.com/4820/news/white-house-yanks-tsa-petition/">mysterious
circumstances.

It's easy to understand why the Obama administration wouldn't want to make a public statement about the legal status of the TSA. The agency has repeatedly thumbed its nose at the rule of law, the courts and the constitution, say its critics. During an election year, there's no up-side to saying anything.

Help also comes from the mainstream press, which often doesn't see what the big deal is with an agency that scans, prods, pats-down and interrogates the people it's supposed to protect. When TSA agents show up at NFL games and subway stations, reporters and editors don't understand what the fuss is about. They may even believe that questioning the TSA is unpatriotic.

Mostly, though, it isn't what they write and broadcast, but what they choose not to cover, that's problematic. When an agency critic claims to have foiled the TSA's controversial full-body scanners, it only takes a warning to get the press to back off.

Has anyone ever bothered to count the number of full-time journalists covering the TSA? I'll wait here while you do the math.

We could spend all day pointing fingers, but as my grandmother used to say, when you point one finger there are at least three pointing back to you. See, Gallup's disastrous poll didn't happen in a vacuum; there were 1,014 adults, aged 18 and older, living in all 50 U.S. states and the District of Columbia, who helped the cause.

Those of us who write about this deeply troubled agency found ourselves asking: Who are these people?

Now that I think about it, that's not hard to answer. They are our neighbors, friends and relatives who get their information from the daily newspaper, the evening news, the mainstream news website. They are soothed by the words of a commander-in-chief who looks the other way while an entire federal agency flouts the law.

And obviously -- and perhaps most importantly -- they haven't suffered at the hands of a TSA agent. Their rights and their dignity haven't been violated. They haven't been bullied, harassed, lied to -- and haven't had their personal belongings pilfered.

At least not yet.

NEW YORK -- Transportation Security Administration officers at Boston's Logan International Airport are alleging that a program intended to help flag possible terrorists based on passengers' mannerisms has led to rampant racial profiling, a newspaper reported Saturday.

The TSA told the newspaper on Friday that it is investigating the officers' claims. At a meeting last month with the agency, officers provided written complaints, some of them anonymous, from 32 officers.

Forget the latest horror story about the Transportation Security Administration. A majority of Americans think the TSA is alright, according to a new Gallup poll.

When asked how the government agency that handles airport security is doing, 54 percent said the TSA is doing either an excellent or a good job. Yet, when asked if the agency's screening procedures are extremely or very effective at preventing acts of terrorism on U.S. airplanes, just 41 percent agreed. Most said the agency was somewhat or not effective.

The survey, conducted July 9-12, found little difference of opinion between fliers and those who haven't flown in the last year. If anything, more frequent fliers were slightly more positive about the TSA than those who haven't flown recently. Gallup said younger Americans were "significantly" more positive about the agency than seniors, a discrepancy it said may partly reflect the fact that 60 percent of 18- to 29-year-olds have flown within the last year compared with 33 percent of those aged 65 and older.

Even though the TSA last year revised its screening policy for those under 12 years old after a series of videos of enhanced pat-downs of young travelers sparked public outrage, Gallup found adults without minor children and parents shared similar opinions of the agency.

The findings may surprise some, given recent headlines about seemingly egregious abuses by TSA agents.

They also will offer a counter-narrative to Republican critics like Rep. John Mica of Florida who never misses an opportunity to criticize the agency and has waged a crusade to privatize airport security.

"TSA employees work hard every day to protect the traveling public," an obviously pleased TSA Administrator John Pistole said in a statement. "This positive report reaffirms TSA's commitment to carrying out these responsibilities with efficiency, integrity and in a customer friendly manner."

Last year, another poll registered only 38 percent positive customer satisfaction. At the time, Pistole admitted to the Wall Street Journal that "there will continue to be incidents" but said improved training and a risk-based system based on common sense would bring down complaints.

Despite TSA's efforts to improve screening, abuses continue to be reported on an almost daily basis.

The watchdog blog TSA News, noting the poll was released the same day that two former TSA screeners in Atlanta were indicted for drug smuggling, was skeptical.

"Anecdotal evidence, eyewitness testimony, and comments on published TSA stories would predict that the answer to this would have been overwhelmingly negative," it wrote, adding that "Gallup didn’t disclose who sponsored the poll or if the TSA or one of its vendors had any input on it. As we all know by now, pollsters can get any result they want by controlling the way questions are asked and the group that is polled."

But Gallup managing editor Jeff Jones rejected the inference that the poll was skewed.

"No one sponsored it. Gallup paid for it," he told The Huffington Post in an interview. "This was completely done by Gallup poll editors. We had no contact with TSA at all."

Jones said the TSA questions were part of a larger survey that also asked about smoking and drinking habits and used Gallup's "standard methodology."

"This is a representative sample of Americans," he said.

Who decided that full body scanners were a good idea? The Electronic Privacy Information Center contends that scanners are "invasive, unlawful and ineffective." My concern is slightly more superficial: Do I really want to be seen without my Spanx? At the airport, you have to make a spot decision. Do you want to glide through the scanners like everyone else, or do you want to make a scene? I was traveling with my mother. There was no doubt which choice would be hers.

"I'm going to refuse," she said to me as we loaded our wheelie bags onto the conveyor.

"Why?"

"Why not?" She moved to the line of tape marking the floor.

"Ma'am, step into the machine and place your shoes on the designated footprints," the unsuspecting TSA official called out to her.

"I don't want to be x-rayed," she said.

"Just go in," I whispered. The security line snaked, tension coiled behind me. I leaned forward and urged. "We don't want to be late."

She threw out an elbow, jolting me back. For a woman who weighed barely 100 pounds, she sure packed a punch.

"Ma'am, are you choosing to decline the body scanner?"

"You bet I am," she said with obvious glee. "I've had x-rays of my teeth. I've had mammograms and bone scans. Lord knows how many other rays have permeated my body. I've had enough radiation to light the Olympic torch."

They ushered her to a holding area as I stepped into the machine and surrendered my arms overhead, posing like a human suppository.

"Look who they pick on!" I heard her yell over the sound of the machine. "A 75-year-old lady with swollen fingers and fallen arches."

As I waited with our bags, someone bumped my shoulder. I recognized the boarish wheeze before I saw his sweaty face. He'd been behind me in the security line. He grunted in my mother's direction. "Is she with you?"

I shook my head. "Never saw her before."

Guilt swept through me fast as lightening and then, an immediate wash of defiance: What if my mother was right about radiation? I took out my phone and found the EPA website. Cosmic radiation, I read, is a constant sprinkle of particles from space, raining down on the earth. The higher you go, the more you're exposed to radiation. "On a typical cross-country flight," the EPA report claimed, "in a commercial airplane, you are likely to receive less than half the radiation dose you receive from a chest x-ray."

Who hasn't had an x-ray? A friend once said: "You know you're old when you drive around with your films in the back of the car." If the contents of our cars indicated our ages, I'd have celebrated my last ten birthdays on "The Today Show" with Willard Scott. I have the films of a centenarian: x-rays, CT scans and an MRI that I probably didn't need. I'm a glowing example of what medical science offers. In fact, I should be grateful I don't hear Radio Netherlands through my dental fillings or leave a visible smear in my wake like the Road Runner.

Once on the plane, I turned to my mother. "Well, we made it."

She smiled back at me. "You know, they always hassle me at the security checkpoint," she said. "I honestly don't know why. I never do anything wrong." In her lap, a skein of yarn released a long strand that she wound effortlessly through those crooked fingers. I heard the familiar sound before I saw what was poised in her hands: 14-inch, pointed-tipped, aluminum knitting needles.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Two TSA agents who reportedly thwarted a passenger kidnapping in Miami recently are being hailed as heroes by the mainstream media.

It's an irresistible man-bites-dog story for a slow news day: The "sharp-eyed" screeners saw a suspicious-looking passenger traveling alongside two men and, thanks to their terror training, knew what they had to do.

"When she came closer I realized she was black and blue on both sides of her face, her forehead," one of the screeners told a TV station (see video, above). "I noticed her shoulder looked like she had a big rug burn."

The TSA agents pulled the passengers out of line and reported them to law enforcement authorities. As it turns out, they'd stumbled into something of a love triangle. The woman, men, and two other female passengers were on vacation in Miami and one of the women accused the passenger of sleeping with her boyfriend.

The passenger reportedly was beaten, forced to withdraw money from an ATM and threatened.

"I believe we saved her life that day," one of the agents said.

That may be true, but TSA apologists, aided by a bored establishment media, are leveraging this incident to justify the billions spent on airport security every year. They shouldn't be allowed to.

No one's saying the agents didn't do good work, and they may have even saved this passenger's life. But credit their terrorist training? Call them heroes?

Sorry, no can do.

When a screener selflessly throws himself over a terrorist bomb in order to save the lives of others, that's when I'll use the word "hero." When an agent wrests a loaded firearm from the hands of a criminal who is about to mow down a crowd of passengers, I'll have no problem using the "H" word.

Those of you who just wish critics like me would stop being so critical of the agency assigned to protect America's transportation systems are probably wondering: What would make me give the TSA an "attaboy"?

Stop a terrorist or two. I might be willing to call an agent a hero if he actually prevented a bona fide holy warrior from blowing up a plane. But to date, the TSA hasn't stopped a single terrorist, at least that we know of. And you know they'd be broadcasting that news if it ever happened. Bonus points for drama on this one -- if it involves a Hollywood ending in which someone's shot, incinerated or there's a high-speed car chase, the TSA will get a big thumbs-up from yours truly.

Take a stand. Real heroes have principles, and that's what leads to their heroics. Wouldn't it have been something if large segments of the TSA workforce had refused to comply with Washington's order to either scan or frisk their passengers two years ago? Or that they balked at the new "enhanced" pat-down procedures implemented from above, on the grounds that they violated the Fourth Amendment? People like that would be worthy of the label "heroes," in my book.

Go the extra mile. When I see an agent exercising common courtesy, I'm impressed. I remember traveling with my seven-year-old son a few months ago, and I was dragging several bags out to the airport arrivals area while making sure my son stayed out of trouble at the same time (not an easy task). An off-duty agent opened the door for me and helped me carry one of my suitcases to the curb. Heroic? Maybe not, but I still offer a grateful "attaboy" for going above and beyond the call of duty. Also, agents like that me think twice before writing a hit piece about the TSA.

It's fascinating to see how the agency's supporters are willing to pin their arguments on any news, including this foiled kidnapping attempt, even when there's little evidence to suggest that an alert passenger, flight attendant or airport janitor couldn't have also rescued this passenger.

But it might be worse. We could be justifying the existence of an oversize federal agency by an absence of heroics. Which is to say, hanging a "mission accomplished" banner simply because no terrorist has successfully blown up a plane over the United States in the last decade.

That kind of false logic may be worse than the false heroics that were reported last week.

TSA agents at Miami International Airport rescued a beaten and kidnapped woman over Independence Day weekend, as first reported by NBC 6, possibly saving her life.

When 25-year-old Nelkis Alvarez went through airport security to return home to New Jersey July 5, two TSA officers trained to pick up on behavioral cues noticed she seemed fearful and spotted severe bruises on her face, scratches on her body, and a rug burn on her shoulder.

After the agents asked Alvarez to step away from her traveling companions, she begged for help: "She told us they threatened to kill her if she told anybody," said Agent Ray Hernandez.

Alvarez's horrifying story unfolded when police arrived to detain the two men and two women with whom she had traveled to Miami for a weekend of fun. According to police, trouble began when Alvarez stayed behind in the group's North Miami hotel room while the others went to the beach.

When the group returned intoxicated, Alvarez said, 25-year-old Melissa Pineiro accused her of having a relationship with Pineiro's boyfriend. Pineiro allegedly straddled Alvarez on the hotel bed and punched her in the face before 19-year-old Tori Beato joined in the beating.

Though Alvarez was able to lock herself in the bathroom, she eventually exited only to be dragged across the floor, according to the police report. The two women threatened to kill her "for ruining their weekend," took all the money from her purse, ripped her jewelry off, and dragged her back into the hotel room when she attempted to escape.

After packing Alvarez's things among their own for the return flight, the group headed to a TD Bank branch on Biscayne Boulevard where Alvarez says Pineiro forced her to withdraw all the money in her account.

But once at the airport, the two TSA agents spotted Alvarez's injuries and Pineiro and Beato were arrested on kidnapping, robbery, false imprisonment, and battery charges. Beato was also charged with petit theft for taking money from Alvarez's purse; the two men, who had not involved themselves in the fight, were let go.

TSA director Mark Hadfield praised Hernandez and a second unnamed agent in an interview with NBC.

”In the course of their duty, they did what they were trained to do,” he said. “They saw stress, they saw fear, and it turned out that this woman was in really dire danger.”

This is footage of Julio Rausseo, an activist and journalist, at Chicago's Union Station the day after the Fourth of July.

Why is he so upset? Because there are TSA agents at the train station, and they're about to set up a screening area.

This audio recording was taken a week later, after Rausseo posted the first video on YouTube. An agent recognized him from the video and began threatening him.

It takes courage to whip out your camera and record TSA agents engaging in what you believe to be an unconstitutional activity.

Standing toe to toe with an officer who is threatening you with arrest? Not for the faint of heart.

I've been thinking about TSA dissidents this week. That's because there's a struggle within the movement to define who belongs, and who doesn't.

It's all so kindergarten, because the struggle against the TSA's wrongheaded policies needs all the help it can get.

Yet in coming weeks, you might hear from some well-organized individuals with slick fundraising appeals, who will tell you they are the movement -- and that, by definition, those of us who are not with them, aren't true members of the cause.

So let's talk about the real dissidents.

I'll begin with the obvious: Rausseo, who recorded the agents and posted the video to the Internet, is the real deal. Anyone who stands up to the well-documented bullying tactics of TSA agents deserves to be recognized as a bona fide dissident.

The confrontations aren't always taped. The ones between Wendy Thomson and the TSA agents who repeatedly subjected her to invasive pat-downs, weren't, at least not by her. Yet over several months, her anger turned into a cause: a grassroots organization called Freedom to Travel.

You don't have to start an organization to be a dissident, of course. Sommer Gentry, the college professor who refused to fly after facing multiple pat-downs that, in another era, might have been considered a sex crime, could have done what most passengers do when that kind of thing happens: she could have walked away quietly. Instead, she risked her career to speak out against a government agency whose policies and procedures she disagreed with.

It's not that the dissidents aren't afraid of the TSA or what the Department of Homeland Security might do about them. It's that they're more afraid of what will happen to America if they fail to speak up.

Opposing the TSA can be messy. John Tyner's infamous confrontation with TSA agents in San Diego (also taped) had its share of critics, but he bravely challenged the agents all the same; and for that, he deserves to be counted among the dissidents.

Jonathan Corbett, the activist who is widely credited with discrediting the TSA's controversial full-body scanners, didn't have to be threatened with arrest to earn his place in the TSA Dissidents Hall of Fame. And while some may argue with his tactics, he has done an invaluable service to anyone who thinks these untested machines have no place in America's airports.

The list of legitimate dissidents is as long as it is varied. It includes journalists and commentators like Becky Akers, Amy Alkon, James Fallows, Jeffrey Goldberg and Lisa Simeone. But it also features regular folks who, through circumstances, were cast as naysayers -- people like Andrea Abbott, John Brennan, Yukari Miyamae.

There are others, many others, who are the real thing. And there are fakes.

I know a thing or two about fakes because I've watched the rise and fall of a fake consumer advocate in another industry. For five long years, this media personality claimed to speak for every consumer, trying to turn a single personal issue into the industry's number-one problem. And the person almost succeeded.

I hope we're not about to see history repeat itself.

It's difficult to understate the kind of damage a single bogus activist can inflict on an entire movement. Many worthy causes were swept under the carpet because of this particular person's uncanny ability to bend facts and manipulate a gullible mainstream media. The actions of this fake crusader divided other consumer organizations, rendering them more disorganized and ineffective. When the end finally came, the biggest losers were the people who were supposed to be getting help from the person's memberless organization.

I can't stand by and watch that happen again. This is too important. Because if the TSA's dissidents fail, we'll lose more than just a few years of momentum.

We could also end up living in a police state.

ASPEN, Colo. — U.S. security officials are on the lookout for a new type of explosive, after analysis of an upgraded underwear bomb intercepted by a CIA operation in Yemen.

Transportation Security Administrator John Pistole told an audience at the Aspen Security Forum that the device smuggled out by a double-agent in an operation earlier this year was an upgrade from the underwear bomb carried by Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, to try to bring down a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas 2009.

PORTLAND, Ore. — A federal appeals court ruled Thursday that a lawsuit over the government's no-fly list can go forward in a lower court in Oregon.

In a unanimous ruling, the three-judge panel of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals found that a lower court improperly threw out the lawsuit. U.S. District Court Judge Anna Brown rejected the case last year, saying her court didn't have authority over the policies and procedures of the Transportation Security Administration.

BOSTON — American Airlines CEO Tom Horton wants to set the record straight: It was he who approached US Airways CEO Doug Parker about the possibility of combining the two airlines, not the other way around.

Horton has never made that fact public before, but he's doing so now to send a message. If American is going to combine with US Airways or any other airline, the decision will be Horton's.

We could be talking about meaningful things today, like the "not guilty" verdict for TSA protester John Brennan.

We could be discussing the latest screening outrage, which involves a passenger's feeding tube.

We might even debate why the agency assigned to protect America's transportation systems won't follow its laws.

But no. What you really want to ponder is penises.

(Before I go any further, a warning to those offended by any discussion of the male anatomy: stop reading, please. The rest of this post is about the male genitalia, and it contains language some may find objectionable. You have been warned.)

So what prompted this sudden interest in the sausage? (Are you still reading? I warned you.) Earlier this month, a passenger with the world's largest recorded penis was frisked by a screener at San Francisco International Airport.

No, seriously.

As Jonah Falcon passed through airport security, a younger security guard felt threatened by his "very noticeable" package -- and interpreted it as a biological threat, reports my colleague Andy Campbell at the Huffington Post.

"I said, 'It's my dick,'" Falcon said. "He gave me a pat down but made sure to go around [my penis] with his hands. They even put some powder on my pants, probably a test for explosives. I found it amusing."

You can read the entire pun-filled story -- and view all 2,000-plus comments -- right here.

Apparently, you found it amusing, too, because many of you emailed me the story, asking what I thought.

I am not amused. Many TSA agents, as I've already explained, have a breast fixation. They also have a a thing for sex toys. Should anyone be surprised that they've taken an interest in your private eye, too?

The conventional wisdom is that the TSA started groping men down under in 2010, during the scan and pat-down fiasco, when John Tyner told agents in San Diego not to touch his "junk." (See video, below.)

But the conventional wisdom is wrong, when it comes to the TSA's interest in your dong.

The TSA has been patting down suspect passengers since 2004, when it instructed agents to frisk travelers following a terrorist bombing in Russia. Although these exams were less aggressive than today's "enhanced" pat-downs, they nevertheless raised some concerns among passengers that they could have their private areas touched by a TSA agent.

The first newsworthy confrontation happened in 2006, when TSA agents in Chicago discovered a passenger's penis pump and turned it into a federal case. The man, Mardin Azad Amin, was reportedly embarrassed by an agent's questions and called the male enhancement mechanism a bomb, which, in retrospect, was a mistake. He was accused of felony disorderly conduct, but the the charges were eventually dropped.

Tyner's made-for-video encounter in 2010 wasn't the only penis incident that year. Who can forget the case of Miami TSA screener Rolando Negrin who said he "lost his mind" after a co-workers repeatedly mocked the size of his package, clearly visible through one of its newfangled full-body scanners.

Negrin was reportedly arrested after beating a colleague with a baton in the airport parking lot, which seems like both an oddly appropriate, and at the same time highly inappropriate way, to show your displeasure for such verbal taunts. He agreed to attend anger management classes in a plea deal.

Connect all of the dots, and you might conclude this agency has an organizational culture where the locker-room jokes about sex are tolerated, and maybe even encouraged. Most of us wouldn't care if they kept it in the locker room, but TSA agents believe they are empowered to perform aggressive pat downs and touch all of our private parts, and with only a few notable exceptions, our lawmakers, judges and passengers, have let them do it.

But is the solution to make our private parts off limits? Bad idea, the TSA's apologists would argue. What about Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the underwear bomber? Or the terrorists who brought down the Russian planes and exported pat-downs to the United States?

Aren't we just being prudent?

No, we are not. We are being foolish. Whether you are fortunate to have the world's largest recorded penis or need to enhance your manhood with a pump, you can probably agree that the airport screening process has to respect your dignity and privacy.

Add the TSA's problematic agency-wide attitude toward all things sexual, and it's no wonder some American men -- and women -- refuse to fly.

The TSA isn't exactly known for its sensitivity, a reputation that Fort Worth resident Melinda Deaton experienced first-hand Wednesday morning while enroute to a medical appointment at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.

The Texas grandmother says she was pulled aside and patted down by Transportation Security Administration agents at Dallas Love Field airport after they noticed a gastric tube hanging from her stomach, which had been medically implanted after complications with a gastric bypass surgery.

"When I pulled my shirt out and they catch a glimpse of it, they both go, 'Ugh!'," Deaton said in an interview with Dallas-Fort Worth news station WFAA. "I said, 'Thank you for your professionalism.'"

According to WNBC New York, Deaton said agents also swabbed the tube for bomb-making material, putting her at risk for infection. "Any time you put a harsh substance on it, you run the risk of contamination," Deaton's husband John Deaton told NBC. "They put stuff on there that we don't know what it is and identify. She has a weak immune system as part of her medical condition, and it can be very fatal to her."

In addition to searching her behind a screen and not in a private room, Deaton says TSA threw out her containers filled with applesauce and pudding, soft foods she's required to eat due to her medical condition.

On its website, TSA cautions passengers that some types of foods that exceed 3.4oz should be placed in a passenger's checked luggage. Though it also set up last year a toll-free helpline for travelers with disabilities and medical needs.

In an online introduction to the helpline:

TSA recommends that passengers call approximately 72 hours ahead of travel so that TSA Cares has the opportunity to coordinate checkpoint support with a TSA Customer Service Manager located at the airport when necessary.

Earlier this year the TSA announced new guidelines that would loosen security restrictions for travelers over the age of 75.

"By moving away from a one-size-fits-all approach to security and applying some intelligence-driven and risk-based security models, TSA is looking at how this works for passengers," agency spokesman Jim Fotenos told the Associated Press.

The trial run was only set to take place at a limited number of airports, however, including Chicago's O'Hare International, Denver International, Orlando International and Portland International.

"We respect the right to privacy of the passenger in question and will reach out directly to her," a TSA spokesman told WFAA in a statement regarding Deaton's complaint. He added that an investigation is underway.

HuffPost Live Wants Your Take!

Correction: A previous version of this story stated that the Mayo Clinic is in Minneapolis. It is located in Rochester, Minnesota. We apologize for the error.

I've been doing a lot of traveling lately, almost every weekend for a while now. In addition to a terrible case of jet-lag, I have picked up some tips on how to approach the complications of the TSA without sacrificing your dignity.

With summer travels upon us, many of us are preparing to brace the security lines of airports around the world. Some of this advice would seem obvious, but based on personal experience and anecdotal evidence, it seems that it still needs to be said. Perhaps if we all adhered to some simple Security Manners, our lines will move a little swifter.

1. Sunglasses
Don't try to go through the metal detector with sunglasses on, only to be told to take them off and go through again. No one, let me repeat, NO ONE is that cool. They're going to have to come off. Don't pretend you forgot you were wearing them and force us to wait while you get reminded that you're just like everyone else.

2. Clothes
Be prepared to take it all off. If you're wearing an unflattering shirt under that jacket and hoping no one will see it, change. If you're wearing a see-through camisole, prepare for an appearance as an exhibitionist. If you're not wearing a bra, you have no right to be mad about anyone looking at your nipples. Have a bottom layer on that you are not embarrassed to bare. And per common sense, please let it be more than your new Victoria's Secret purchase.

3. Toiletries
If you're carrying it on, these are coming out. There are no secrets when it comes to the TSA. Any weird creams you've ordered, any anti-aging Chinese herbs, any embarrassing prescriptions, any old retainers, whatever it is, it's going to be exposed. Be prepared for the TSA officers, any nearby strangers or any traveling companions to see them.

I learned my lesson on this one the hard way. Just six weeks into dating my boyfriend, he took me on a romantic weekend in Mexico. At that point we were still getting to know each other, and I had not yet slept over his house so he had not seen the big embarrassing nightguard I wear to prevent teeth grinding when I sleep. The whole time we were there, I went to great pains to keep hiding it from him, waiting for him to fall asleep till I snuck back into the bathroom to put it in. I thought I had made it through the whole trip with my secret safe till we were going through security on the way back.

TSA went through all my stuff, holding up my retainer as my boyfriend cracked up, asking why he'd never seen me wear it before. Luckily, my shame was no more than teasing fodder for my boyfriend. But if it's going to cause you more serious consternation, take the extra 10 minutes to check your luggage. Standing by your stuff, hoping to shield your toiletries from prying eyes not only holds up the line but plainly doesn't work.

4. Never Flirt First, But Feel Free to Flirt Back If They Start It
Even if you think he's looking you up and down, never never under any circumstances initiate flirting. The situation is too rife with potential dangers for you to test the waters. However, if your TSA agent starts it, feel free to joke back. In two recent times I've gone through security, an agent has joked with my boyfriend about me, and pro forma my boyfriend attempted to joke back. It happens, same as anywhere else. The obvious difference is here the consequences are potentially a lot more serious if your rejection is rude. So if you have to take off your jacket, it is inappropriate to point out to the TSA agent that it was so tight in the first place, there isn't any room to hide anything. (I literally saw this once.) On the other hand, if he's asking you for a date as you're taking off our shoes, all bets are off. Which brings me to...

5. Shoes
Boots that require laces are simply rude. Don't make everyone wait for you to wear the one pair of shoes you have that take five minutes to put on. Essentially, any shoe that takes more than 10 seconds to remove needs to be taken off before you leave the house. Seriously, if you're sitting on the conveyer belt imploring your husband to use both hands to tug your boots off, is it not obvious you've made a serious travel blunder?

If you can't walk well in your heels (that means heel to toe without holding on to anything) keep them in your luggage. Really this should be true of every day but it's especially irritating when you're holding up people with flights to catch because you can only take one step every five seconds. And lastly, if you only have one pair of socks without holes in them, let this be the day you use them.

6. Jewelry
As a general rule, you must be able to get it on and off quickly. I thought belly chains were a lost relic from the 90's along with Ace of Base, hair wraps and Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Until my most recent jaunt through security, that is. The girl in front of me went through. She beeped. She took off more layers. She beeped again. She got felt up. They made her lift up her top and expose the culprit: a belly chain. What are you doing wearing a belly chain under three layers of tops? You knew you were going to being flying that day! If your outfit requires a lot of jewelry, leave it in your purse that day and put it on after you've gone through. Pieces with simple clasps are preferred as it's inappropriate to ask the TSA gentleman to help you take off your necklace as you sweep up your hair (see #3).

7. Laptops
As a writer, I understand a woman's attachment to her laptop. But come on, do you really think you're the first person to try to keep her iPad in her bag and argue that you didn't think it was a laptop? If you want it to be the last thing you send down the conveyer belt, I understand. But there is nothing cute about trying to hide your laptop in your bag. And speaking of bags, if you know you're going to have to take it out, why is it in the bottom of your oversized over-stuffed Louis Vuitton bag?

8. If A TSA Agent Asks For Your Phone Number...
Of course, you don't have to give it. But you might want to let him down with deliberate gentleness. Perhaps, smile and say thank you but you have a boyfriend is my recommendation. Even if it feels like just another guy asking for your number, he's still a member of the TSA and if he wants to, my guess is making you miss your flight is one of the nicer things he could do.

9. Be Polite
I'm so sick of seeing people roll their eyes because TSA asked them to take off another layer of clothing or put a watch in a bin. They're just doing their job. If you tried to sneak something through and they catch you with five ounces of hair gel, stop giving them attitude. If you have to throw away the commemorative special edition hot sauce you just bought, it's not their fault. Don't expect them to make a special exception for you because you're a cute girl and then be irritated with them for simply trying not to get fired.

10. Differentiating Between Pick-Up Lines and Security Instructions
I know that sometimes it's hard to tell but here's how to differentiate between some of the more popular ones I've heard:

Ma'am, you've set off the metal detector - no.
When you walk through the metal detector, you make my heart beep - yes.

Belts off please - no.
I handle the belts around here - probably yes.

Wait, till I'm ready - probably no.
Where you heading to today? - unclear, need more information.
You getting on a plane to paradise because that's where I'd be taking you? - yes.

Shoes and Jackets off - no.
You can take a lot more off if you prefer - probably yes.

Only three ounces of liquids and gels are allowed - no.
You don't need to bring any liquids when you're with me - yes.

Happy Flying!