"You've got to be... I mean... On my way," I blurt into my radio, as we're called to a silent alarm at a warehouse for the third time in a shift. Read More >

Before I get on with the main body of the column I would like to comment on Drugs Live: The Ecstasy Trial, which we saw last week on channel 4. Was Chris Morris creating havoc with a new Brass Eye series; I'm still none too sure. Read More >

If you thought 'having a case of the Mondays' was bad, you should try dragging yourself out of bed at 4am to make it to work and into uniform for 6am after four days off. Our shift patterns have always been a bit nutty, but the pattern we are on at the moment is actually pretty decent -- in theory, we're six days on, four days off. In practice, we're often six days on, one day on secondment or similar, and three days off. The upside is that we do, indeed, occasionally get four delicious days off on the trot. Read More >

Ambition is a cruel mistress, and I have long since learned my lesson that if things are going well, leave them alone; be happy with your current “lot” in life and try not to disturb the status quo, as for every easy week, month or year of your life, there are several that are a struggle. Secondly, I have learnt to stick at what you are good at. Read More >

After a tumultuous few weeks things have started to calm down again; it’s impossible to forecast in any line of business. The recession for me has been on a whole positive; my business fortunes mirroring Pizza Hut, with more people choosing a night in front of a movie than going out on the town. And what makes a film or TV better than a decent bag of herb? Read More >

A late Thursday afternoon just before my shift was due to finish, I was hiding from the rain under a roof outside a large shopping mall in our borough. 'Hey', I figured. 'The tax payers get the reassurance of a friendly-looking police officer in a highly visible location, and I get the reassurance that despite being out on foot patrol on a soggy day, I get to stay dry. It's a win-win, right?' Read More >

“I don’t give a flying fu*k about you, where’s my money”? This is not how I expected the conversation to play out, and I was shocked to silence by his conversartion opener. “I have most of your money; just waiting to shift”. My retort was solid and mostly honest, but he did not want to hear any of it. Read More >

It was going to be such a ridiculously easy arrest. Only a shoplifter - I've done hundreds of those, right? Besides, the shopping centre where the arrest was to take place is right across the road from the police station, and whilst we're not meant to 'march prisoners', if this was a reasonable chap, we'd just cross the street together, and not wait for 20 minutes for the busy caged van. What could be easier? Read More >

After an absolutely ridiculous morning of doing blue-light runs from one end of the borough to the other, it seemed like all the customers had decided to give it a rest for the day; as soon as I sat down for lunch on this particular blue-skied Saturday, my radio fell silent, and for once I was able to just sit, chill, eat my sandwich, and enjoy a cup of tea. Read More >

In facing the sky, I observe that the heavens are heavy of mind and pregnant with rain. "A perfect day", I mumble to myself, "to be stuck on goddamn foot patrol duty." Read More >

Over the last couple weeks there has been a torrent of postcards into the Giz office, many featuring naked men and one made from sewn-together mice heads; all from people pleading for an explanation of what tech PR actually is. I will attempt to address this in the way I know the Giz readership prefers, by using an overly-metaphorical style coupled with long rambling prose. Read More >

I'm in the driver's seat of a BMW area car for the occasion, on the slowest shift I can remember in a very, very long time. Sure, we sometimes have extremely busy shifts, but even a quiet shift has a steady trickle of jobs to do, most of the time. Read More >

This week I am going to look at the relatively easy route to becoming a full-time dealer; looking back at my first real contact in the business, and also answering a few questions from the previous week's column, before getting on to this week's episode. Read More >

"Delito, I need to talk to you at the end of the briefing." Read More >

Like I mentioned before, customer management is hugely important in my line of work. If you are not strict with your punters, you can have them running you ragged in no time at all. The clients I kept around me knew the rules; obeyed them to the "T" and therefore continued to get a good service. Read More >