Parenting

It's not.

When Valerie Jarrett took to LinkedIn to announce that President Obama would sign a Presidential Memorandum giving federal employees at least six weeks of paid sick leave when a new child arrives, everybody thought the same thing: “Valerie Jarrett’s on LinkedIn?”

After people got past that, the general online response was even more juvenile, to wit: if people want to have kids, we, the taxpayers, shouldn’t have to pay for their time off.

Look, I know parents can be annoying, always acting as if some non-accomplishment— “he grew another hair!”—is the equivalent of inventing the next Uber.

But, quite apart from the fact that the future of the species depends and, barring some spooky cloning breakthroughs, will always depend on people making new people inside their bodies, the truth is that family leave is not a vacation.

Do not worry, child-free federal workers, that your parenting co workers will be off having a nonstop party with their newborns in those six paid weeks of leave while you are at your day job. I assure you, they are working.

If it helps, think of family leave not as a vacation, but as a job swap. The new parents are swapping the jobs they know for shift work in an excrement-making factory with a co-worker who cannot communicate except by weeping or kicking. Plus, the shift never ends. And the chances of promotion are zero.

Meanwhile, we the workers who remain in our day jobs, are getting paid to have real conversations with people who know where their thumbs are. It’s not even a close call on who has the better deal.

This attitude —looking after completely helpless newborn=vacay— may be why the U.S. is the only western country that has no federally mandated maternity leave. New Guinea doesn’t have any either; neither does Libya. So, the U.S. is rolling with a cool crowd.

Moreover, what’s the alternative? Having a co-worker return to his or her job right from the delivery room or as soon as he or she needs money? Do we really want that?

New parents are undergoing a huge emotional shift. It doesn’t always make them the best colleagues. They’re a bit like teenagers when they fall in love for the first time crossed with bros after they discover Crossfit: preoccupied. We probably want to give them a bit of cooling off time, almost like a quarantine except it’s a “parentine” (see what I did there?), so they can regain their senses.

Yes, parents choose to have children. But they’re doing it for all of us, like jury duty, or being the designated driver, or talking to the sadsack in the corner at the party so he doesn’t kick us all out of his apartment; they’re taking one for the team. So we should make sure the exercise doesn’t send them completely broke within the first month and a half. After all, if nobody had kids, who would invent the next Uber?

Karol Markowicz is a writer in New York City.

An airplane is not an opera and there can be no expectation of silence

Recently there was an adorable news story about parents flying with their new baby and giving out a “goodie bag,” including earplugs, to passengers seated nearby in case the baby should make noise. It was not the first story of its kind, several of these well-meaning parents have done this over the years. It is seen as some sort of progress in the relations between those who have children and those who do not: Yes, my children are annoying and you are stuck with them in a small space for x number of hours but enjoy this chocolate and hope those earplugs block out their noise.

This is the entirely wrong way for the world to proceed.

Children often cannot contain themselves, that’s true. They have problems with volume control. If they can’t say what they want, they cry. Sometimes they cry even when they can say what they want. They’re also entirely unpredictable. Our daughter, who was a very good baby and toddler, screamed her head off on her first international flight, despite having had been perfectly behaved on several domestic flights previously. She settled down after awhile, and was a model child the rest of our trip, but with kids you just never know. On a recent flight, my son sang the ABCs loudly. Sure, we sshhh’d him a lot, but he’s under 2 years old so there’s only so much we can do. Duct-taping his mouth shut didn’t seem like an option.

While adult behavior may be more consistent, are we really so much better? I have sat next to smelly people, drunk people, loud people, lecherous men, over-perfumed women, close talkers, a teenager crying loudly over her cheating boyfriend and an old lady who showed me no less than 78 photographs of her cats. Yet none of these people ever gave me candy or an apology to improve my situation. I admit to being the annoying passenger myself, a particularly hungover flight in my 20s springs to mind. Yet it never occurred to me to try to ease the experience for my fellow passengers. I simply made minimal eye-contact and got through it. I also admit that once, on a long flight while I was pregnant with our first child, I snapped at a child behind me for kicking my seat. His mom, busy with three other children, did nothing to try to stop him, and my limited experience with children did not serve me well in dealing with him.

The idea that parents must apologize for any noise their child makes in public has gone too far. An airplane is not an opera and there can be no expectation of silence. If you can make it through the loud whir of the engine and the constant pilot and stewardess announcements, you can survive a child being noisy.

The real problem in American life today is that we treat children as something we must hide away until adulthood. The airplane battleground extends to other areas as well. If you’re the type of person who takes your kids places, then you are probably used to the questions: Why would you take your children shopping/to brunch/on trips if you didn’t specifically have to? But what kind of adult does a child become who hasn’t had these necessary life experiences? If we never take our children to restaurants or on flights, or expect a bad reaction when we do, how will they grow up to be the kind of fellow diner or flier we all wish to see?

This isn’t to say that children should run rampant, making as much noise as they’d like whenever they’d like. I think back to myself snapping at the kid on a plane and know that if I had seen his mother making an effort to stop him, even unsuccessfully, that I would have given her a sympathetic smile and dealt with it. We absolutely should try to discipline our children as to minimize the discomfort of those around us, but bracing adults for the very presence of children sends a bad message. Short of very fancy restaurants or ticketed events, children have a right to be among us as much as the most annoying adult. So take your child places, show her the right way to behave through your own words and actions, and don’t give out earplugs. We’re all in this together, even the cat lady and the crying baby.

Karol Markowicz is a writer in New York City.

Tammy Gold is a licensed therapist, certified parenting coach, and author of Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer.

How to ensure that your children are being cared for physically and emotionally

With 75% of American mothers in the workforce, and 1 out of 4 children being looked after by someone other than a parent, quality childcare has never been more important. There are countless wonderful daycare centers and in-home caregivers, but parents have to be willing to put the time and energy into the selection process. Arm your family with all of the tools possible to ensure that your children are being cared for physically and emotionally. Strive to make childcare a stimulating and nurturing experience that enriches their lives and allows your whole family to have peace of mind and enjoy your family time even more.

1. Understand the importance of quality childcare: Recent studies show that caregivers have a direct effect on the cognitive, emotional, and physical lives of children, in the present as well for their long-term well-being. Good caregivers don’t just keep children safe, warm, and well-fed; they also positively interact with and respond to children on an emotional level. A child’s brain grows 90% by the age of three, and caregivers can facilitate cognitive development and healthy attachments by focusing on their emotional needs as much as their physical ones.
2. Outline your “musts” and ask the right questions: Many parents select a daycare center or a nanny without asking many questions, only to discover later that it is not a good match. Changing caregivers can cause emotional stress for a child, as well as strain for the whole family. A better approach is to first determine your needs, both physical (days, hours, salary) and emotional (your specific coverage needs and your child’s developmental needs). When considering daycare centers, nannies, and references, ask questions that focus on these “musts.” Many parents ask about how the daycare or nanny worked out for a previous family, but their wants and needs might have been different. Share specific scenarios from your life as a basis for your questions. For example, “We are two busy working parents with a rowdy toddler and a sensitive infant, and we like to be vocal in our concerns. How would that work for you?”
3. Understand that one size does not fit all: In my work with parents and caregivers, I have come to recognize three types of nannies: Parent Unit Nannies (those in full control of home), Partner Nannies (those who share 50/50 with parents), and Executors Nannies (those who follow direct instructions for all tasks). Similarly, a big, bustling commercial daycare center will be a different world from a small home-based residential daycare program. It is essential that you identify which one is best for your family.
4. Ensure that Your Child’s Developmental Needs Are Being Met: Just as there are countless types of caregivers, children are obviously different from one to the next, and what works for one child might not work for another. Parents should focus on the developmental stage (infant, toddler, preschooler, school-aged) and understand what their child needs from a caregiver during that stage. For example, the developmental needs of an infant (to be held, rocked, soothed and interacted with positively and calmly) are much different from a preschooler who may need someone who can run around all day, or a daycare center that knows how to keep children safe, while also nurturing their creativity and independence. Sometimes caregivers are wonderful for one developmental stage and then fail to meet the basic needs during the next stage.
5. Advocate and Communicate Your Family’s Needs: Caregiving is one of the most important jobs on the planet, yet nannies and daycare providers typically get very little training from parents regarding the specifics of each child. It doesn’t matter if a person has cared for children for 30 years — she has never cared for your child before. This is why it’s so important to communicate clearly every step of the way – from interviews, reference calls, and trial periods through the entire relationship. Some parents worry about “bothering” the daycare center or “annoying” the nanny. However, when it comes to helping your child, you must be prepared to speak up. Some children need specific techniques for soothing a tantrum, while others need extra help handling a particular friend or situation–and the only way for caregivers to know is if parents tell them. I advise parents to clearly state: a) What you need from the caregiver; b) What you need for your children; c) What you need for yourself. This simple technique has helped many families avoid the all-too-common misunderstandings and problems that can sour a caregiver situation – and achieve an excellent standard of care.

Tammy Gold (LCSW, MSW, CEC) is a licensed therapist, certified parenting coach, the author of Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer (Tarcher/Penguin, 2015), and founder of Gold Parent Coaching. A frequent guest expert on Good Morning America, Fox News, and CBS News, among others, Gold is one of the first therapists to bring traditional psychotherapy tools to the process of finding and enhancing the quality of childcare.

...and 3 things you can do to help her through it

All parents have moments when they wish their kids would just “grow up!”

But when kids grow up too fast, it can have serious consequences.

And more of today’s girls are going through puberty early than ever before. The first signs of puberty in many girls now appear more than a year earlier than they did a generation ago. And more than twice as many girls are showing signs of very early puberty – before age eight.

What’s going on?

Puberty is a fluid category, and it’s unethical to run some kinds of tests on children, so no one is absolutely sure what has caused the shift in puberty’s onset. But researchers Louise Greenspan and Julianna Deardorff, authors of The New Puberty, point to three major risk factors.

1. Obesity in children. Twenty percent of children and adolescents are now obese. That’s three times as many as in the past generation. And researchers have established that body fat affects the onset of puberty even more than age.

2. Exposure to chemicals. Puberty is a hormonal process. Researchers have identified over 800 chemicals than can interfere with human hormones. And that’s only the chemicals that have been tested for their effect on human endocrinology: the vast majority we come in contact with have not. Also, most of the chemicals in common use today were developed after World War II, the same time we began to observe a rise in the onset of early puberty.

3. Stress. Poor familial relationships, absent or depressed parents, and significant childhood trauma are all associated with early puberty. The high divorce rate of previous generations, and today’s low rate of marriage, especially for low-income families, means that almost half of all American children are raised in homes without their biological fathers, another factor strongly correlated with early puberty. And in a troubling twist, the symptoms of early puberty themselves can create even more social stress for a child.

So what can parents do?

1. Help girls stay healthy. Healthy eating, good sleep habits, and consistent exercise may help ward off early puberty – and have benefits at any age.

2. Where possible, steer clear of chemicals. Scary media stories have led some parents to be wary of hormones in dairy and meat, as well as soy. But natural soy may actually delay puberty. And what parents really need to watch out for, according to Greenspan and Deardorf, are chemicals that act like hormones once they’re in a child’s system. These include antibiotics found in meat and dairy products, BPAs (chemicals found in some plastics and cans), PCBs (chemicals found in some electronic products made before 1979), tobacco, flame retardants, pesticides – and even lavender and tea tree oil.

3. Work for family harmony. No family is perfect, but creating a loving home environment protects girls from harm and supports their growth, no matter what age puberty arrives. Yeah, we know, this one isn’t easy.

Bottom line: while it’s good to be aware of the facts and factors affecting modern puberty, much of it is still a mystery. And parenting is an art, not a science. Greenspan and Deardorff remind their readers that “to some extent, pointing a finger at all the potential triggers for early puberty is a moot endeavor for parents. What’s most important is that you learn how to manage this phenomenon so that your girl can take advantage of its hidden blessings while avoiding its common pitfalls – to make it normal and okay.”

For the latest and best parenting information, sign up for TIME’s parenting newsletter, free!

Eric Barker writes Barking Up the Wrong Tree.

• Seeing friends and family regularly is worth an extra $97,265 a year. Being close to your family makes you trust strangers less. We watch TV and read books to simulate relationships. We love our families more as we age.

• Yes, grandmom’s cookies do taste better than anyone else’s and comfort food does comfort us. Freud was kinda right about it all being about your relationship with your mother.

• Being married does not bring you closer to your parents. Having kids does make you more like them. Being a criminal is hereditary. You get your musical taste (in part) from your parents. “Daddies’ girls” do choose men who are similar to their fathers. Your parents’ age and appearance affect who you are attracted to. The single strongest predictor of a person’s IQ is the IQ of his or her mother.

• Your siblings help siblings shape your personality. Birth order matters, especially if you want to go to Harvard. Is your brother smart? Then you might be crazy. Got an older brother? You’re less likely to have kids. Twin siblings? They’ll make you dumber.

• Mommy does not love you all the same. Parents do have favorites. Daddy loves you more if you look like him. Kids don’t make us happier. Those parent-teacher conferences aren’t really about the kids. Yes, we idealize parenthood to rationalize the extreme sacrifices it takes to raise a child. “Evil stepmother” is far, far from being a myth.

• Judges behave differently when they have daughters and companies pay women more if the male CEO has a daughter. Men with traditional gender role beliefs make better dads. Parents buy healthier food for their dog than for themselves and buy healthier food for themselves than for their kids. There are a lot of things parents are wrong about.

• Sexually promiscuous people have more sons. Skinny women have more daughters. Dominant women have more sons. Beautiful people have more daughters. Violent men have more sons. In general, people would prefer to have sons over daughters.

• Nepotism is more common than you think and your family can be very important in determining whether you get into a good college. Sadly, we lie the most to those we are closest to and the people who love you the most are the least likely to follow through on their promises.

• “We are happy when we have family, we are happy when we have friends and almost all the other things we think make us happy are actually just ways of getting more family and friends.”

• Want to let a family member know how much they mean to you? Try a gratitude visit. There’s an optimal amount of kindness to express with different family members and a best way to show support. Making all your relationships much better is incredibly easy.

This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.

Join over 151,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

Related posts:

6 Hostage Negotiation Techniques That Will Get You What You Want

How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert

How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done – 5 Expert Tips

Read next: 8 Things Your Pet Says About Your Personality

Listen to the most important stories of the day.

Education Week gave the U.S. a D-plus overall on preschool participation

Most U.S. states have mediocre to poor pre-kindergarten participation rates, according to a new report by Education Week, which shows significant income-related gaps and often meager enrollment rates for preschool students.

(MORE: Big Gaps in Pre-K Availability Nationwide, Report Finds)

Education Week gave the U.S. a D-plus overall on preschool participation despite a significant push in a number of states to expand access to pre-K.

The states with the most positive marks were Hawaii and Mississippi, which received Bs, along with the District of Columbia, which earned a B-plus. Idaho and Utah ranked at the bottom of the list and received Fs.

The grades were based on a number of factors related to preschool access, including the percentage of 3- and 4-year-olds enrolled, the increase in pre-K enrollment in the last several years and the enrollment rate for children whose families are considered at or below the poverty line. The report found that about two-thirds of all children ages 3 to 6 are enrolled in preschool but less than half of kids ages 3 to 4 are in pre-K.

(MORE: Rethinking Pre-K: 5 Ways to Fix Preschool)

“No state really aces the exam on early childhood education,” Christopher Swanson, vice president of a nonprofit organization that publishes Education Week, told US News & World Report.

Aaron Gouveia writes for his site The Daddy Files.

Paid leave is a luxury most dads (and moms) aren’t afforded. It’s a shame to waste it on the wasted

The first few weeks after the birth of my second son are tough to remember through the fog of sleeplessness, stress, and levels of exhaustion. But William Giraldi’s recollections might be hazy for a different reason – he spent his paternity leave in a drunken stupor.

Giraldi, a novelist and fiction editor of a Boston University literary journal, recently detailed his 9-month-long paternity leave in a piece for The Baffler magazine. Except after taking advantage of the university’s “workload reduction” program – in which he stipulated he was taking on more than 50% of parental duties – Giraldi ran into a very serious problem.

He had way too much free time to sit around drinking beer while his wife took care of their two kids. Seriously.

“But since his care was taken care of by his mother – whose apparent willingness and capacity to do almost everything for him flooded me with awe – I spent those nine months trying not to be bored while not writing a novel that was coming due,” Giraldi wrote. “Hey, the proper dose of lager seemed to slacken my body without sapping my mind, and all day long, while I was not-writing my novel and not-feeding my newborn son, I looked forward to those drinks with a religious panting.”

Giraldi went on to describe hangovers that incapacitated him for days at a time, “iffy decisions involving the diaperless infant on an antique couch,” and long days spent simply in boredom. Because “let’s be honest: even in self-consciously progressive households, it’s a rare new father who does as much baby work as a new mother.”

Perhaps some of this is satire (fingers crossed), but whether fact or fiction, it promotes a tired image of the clueless – not to mention inebriated – dads so often portrayed in idiot sitcoms. It promotes the idea that women are automatically the doers of household chores and all things kid-related. And it adds to the harmful and misguided notion that paternity leave is a sham perpetrated by men who want paid time off to sit at home and do nothing but drink and play video games.

Only 15% of American companies offer paid paternity leave, and I’m lucky to work for one of them. Seven years ago, when my oldest was born, I didn’t have that luxury and had to cobble together vacation and sick days. Those first two weeks were instrumental in helping me bond with my youngest, guide my oldest into beginning stages of being a big brother, and help my wife recover from childbirth.

I didn’t do all the work. Hell, I probably didn’t even do most of the work. Giraldi is correct in that breastfeeding moms are often biologically forced to be the main caretakers due to the sheer number of feedings every day. However, there is still plenty for dads to do. But free time? Being able to drink for days on end and then spend even more time recovering from a hangover? I’m not even sure what that would look like. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without my newborn screeching or my oldest pounding on the door to play outside.

I’m involved with groups of dads who practice what they preach in terms of shared parenting. Many of them sacrificed promotions for paternity leave because they recognized how important that initial bonding opportunity is. Others had to strain their finances and take unpaid family and medical leave. One dad, Josh Levs, even filed a discrimination complaint against his employer in the name of increased paid parental leave for biological fathers. These are all positive steps in the right direction, but the battle gets exponentially tougher when employers have their initial fears validated after reading about a 9-month Heineken bender disguised as paid paternity leave.

Life with a newborn is tough. But the sobering fact is that nine months of paid leave is a luxury most dads (and moms) aren’t afforded. It’s a shame to waste it on the wasted.

Aaron Gouveia is a husband, father of two boys, and writes for his site The Daddy Files. You can follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

Zocalo Public Square is a not-for-profit Ideas Exchange that blends live events and humanities journalism.

A preschooler’s emotional world is reminiscent of 'Frozen' heroine Elsa’s internal struggle

Disney’s Frozen, which earned more than $1.2 billion at the box office, is not only the first “princess” movie to make the list of top 10 grossing animated films, but also the number-one animated film of all time. Its songs and characters are culturally ubiquitous.

Little girls have long been drawn to princesses. But what is it that makes Frozen so much more appealing than previous princess movies—and why does it enrapture young children in particular? As psychologists (who happen to be sisters just like the heroines in the film) and the mothers of princess-loving daughters, we decided to consider this question.

First, a preschooler’s emotional world is reminiscent of Frozen heroine Elsa’s internal struggle: Her emotions are strong, passionate — and seem uncontrollable. Preschoolers too, are driven by their impulses. When Elsa laments that she’s afraid that there’s “no escape from the storm inside of me,” it resonates with young children (and perhaps their patience-tested parents, as well).

Second, preschoolers’ imaginations can make the world a wondrous place filled with the possibility of excitement and adventure. Children respond to stories that employ magical realism, so Elsa—as a superhero with what one of our daughters (Maryam’s) and her friends call “ice powers” (the ability to create a whole castle of snow and ice using only her fingers)—has special appeal. Perhaps because they are so in awe of her magic and power, children are less likely to get caught up in Elsa’s experience of isolation and desperation when she is locked away in her room as a girl and hides herself in a remote castle as a woman.

But with the allure of magic and the sense that anything is possible comes a high potential for terror. Maryam’s daughter particularly liked that there isn’t a witch in Frozen. Though she adores other Disney princess movies, the witch-like characters (like Mother Gothel in Rapunzel) are all too real. The scary parts in Frozen are minimal and temporary, and the villain is an ordinary guy who sings a catchy love song.

Thirdly, Elsa has a genuine connection with her sister, Anna. Despite Elsa’s repeated rebuffs to Anna’s attempts to develop a friendship throughout most of the movie, their bond underscores dedication to family above all. Preschoolers are deeply entrenched in their families and tend to demonstrate a strong in-group attachment, meaning that they favor members within their social circle. Even when Frozen viewers are rooting for Anna to form a relationship with her love interest Kristoff, the love between the sisters is much more appealing. The heroines of Frozen are authentic and real, and no longer solely focused on finding a prince. They preach sisterly love and girl power.

Finally, the sing-along music seals the deal. Maryam’s 4-year-old daughter and her friends love to sing the anthem “Let it Go,” wagging their fingers at each other: “Be the good girl you always have to be!” They stomp in unison, pretending to be Elsa stomping on the ice to create her castle. Even Maryam’s 1-year-old son gets into the act, mimicking their behavior.

When asked what she thought the song was about, Maryam’s daughter smiled and put it succinctly: “It’s about Elsa being happy and free, and nobody bothering her.”

So there it is, the crux of the matter: a universally appealing desire to be happy and free.

Perhaps understanding the perspective of a preschooler can help us appreciate some of what draws us all to this movie: We all feel internal struggles with our impulses. None of us really wants a (too) scary villain. Most of us are pretty loyal to our families, despite their eccentricities and the emotional challenges that we face at times. And all of us want to be happy and free.

Maryam Kia-Keating, Ph.D. and Yalda T. Uhls, MBA, Ph.D. are sisters, psychologists, and, most importantly, moms. Maryam is an associate professor of clinical psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara. Yalda is a senior scientific researcher at the Children’s Digital Media Center@LA at UCLA and the Regional Director of the non-profit Common Sense Media. They wrote this for Zocalo Public Square.

Read next: Frozen Director Now Apologizes to Parents for ‘Let It Go’

Sign Up for and more view example

Listen to the most important stories of the day.

Kids Are Capable of More than Adults Realize

No one can believe the bravery and pluck of 7-year-old Sailor Gutzler, the little girl who survived the crash of the small Piper PA-34 plane that killed her parents, sister and cousin, and then scrambled her way through the deep, dark woods to a stranger’s house for help on Dec. 2.

With a broken wrist. And no moon to guide her. And dressed for sunny Florida, but wandering through the chill of a Kentucky winter’s eve.

Her injuries were minor and she was released from the hospital to relatives the next day, but her story is still making headlines.

An expert on one of the talk shows said that in times of extreme stress, adrenalin kicks in, enabling us to go way beyond our normal capacities. As if Sailor was somehow beyond herself in that moment. Superhuman.

Because no one can imagine a 7-year-old being just, plain competent.

Sure, what she did was fantastic. But maybe ALL our kids are capable of being smart and resourceful, if only we give them a chance.

The thing is: we don’t. Underestimating kids has become our national pastime. We think they need us to wait with them at the bus stop, to organize their social life, to solve all their problems. An article in Parenting told parents never to let two friends play together unsupervised, even if they’re old enough to stay home alone: “You want to make sure that no one’s feelings get too hurt if there’s a squabble.”

That’s right. We’re told our kids can’t even handle a squabble without parental intervention.

With this kind of advice being shoved down our throats, I don’t blame parents for overprotecting. I do blame the fearmongering media for insisting that almost everything—a plastic bottle! a bad grade! a bike ride!—could somehow cripple our kids.

When, ironically, the ones really being crippled are the parents. Crippled with fear. Obviously, kids are more competent than we allow them to be: Until modern times, the parents were 13 year olds! They kept the species going! And to this day, says David Lancy, author of The Anthropology of Childhood, between 40 and 60% of the world’s toddlers are cared for by their older siblings, who may be just a year or two older than they are. We forget this when we worry that our kids need mom to pick up her 8 year old from the playdate a few blocks away.

There’s only one way I’ve found to fight that fear, and that’s with reality. In fact—promo alert— I’m about to host a reality show, World’s Worst Mom, starting Thursday night, Jan. 22, on Discovery Life.

Here’s what fear looks like: One mom I visit follows her 10-year-old daughter not just into the public bathroom, but into the stall, to keep her safe. Another wants to put videocameras throughout the house so she can make sure her six kids, aged 0-13, don’t sneak outside to play, even in the yard.

These aren’t bad moms, just terrified. They have no idea how competent their kids really are, because they’ve never let them go.

So my job is simple. I take the kids away from them. The 10 year old? I sent her to the park across the street park with her 12-year-old brother—something they’d never been allowed to do.

The kids of the mom who didn’t want them to go outside? I sent the three tweens down their suburban block, beyond where mom could see. Then I kept her in the house, while they set up a lemonade stand.

When all these kids came home—happy, sweaty, thrilled to have finally had even the most modest of adventures—I thought maybe the moms would be mad. Instead, they were out of their minds…with joy.

They were so proud of their kids, one of them actually grabbed me in her arms and twirled me around.

Now, obviously, it takes a lot more to get yourself out of a plane wreck than to run a lemonade stand. But at base what we’re talking about is this: Our kids are way more competent than we think. We cheat them—and us—when we don’t let them prove it.

Share the Knowledge: A Time for Family subscription gives the whole family their news the way they like best. Click here to find out more.

A smart pacifier that tells you where your kid is

If the Pacif-i Smart Pacifier does all it promises to do, it’s going to take a lot longer for parents to wean their kids off their pacifiers.

Blue Maestro’s Bluetooth-connected smart pacifier, on display at CES this year, beams data to your Android or iOS device, measuring your kid’s temperature and recording when medication was administered. With an app on your smartphone, Pacif-i timestamps and graphs your kid’s temperature. Perhaps most importantly, the $40 smart suckable allows parents to monitor the pacifier’s location, so you can be alerted when your kid wanders away with the pacifier in his mouth.

Pacif-i has a battery life of more than one year. But if you find yourself replacing the battery, maybe it’s time stop giving your kid a pacifier, even if you don’t want to. It’s scheduled for early 2015 release.

Read next: The Science of Why Your Kids Can’t Resist ‘Frozen’