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David Letterman Top Ten Baseball Lists VII
One of the absolute funniest late night comedians has always been David Letterman. His legendary Top Ten lists have made fans of the show laugh on a nightly basis and on occasion they have pointed their humor towards baseball at large.
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"Tickets now read: 'Game starts at 7:30 - Game ends when the Yankees finish whoopin' ass.'" - David Letterman
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| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
Game 87. |
| 9. |
Game where he drilled Steinbrenner in the thorax with a foul ball. |
| 8. |
Game number 666, because streak would not have been possible without help of his dark lord, Satan. |
| 7. |
All-Star Game '88 - unforgettable half hour whirlpool with Steve Sax. |
| 6. |
Any game where Hanson sang the national anthem. |
| 5. |
Milwaukee '96: played entire game with open gunshot wound. |
| 4. |
1985's "Duran Duran Night" when the great Simon Lebon signed his bat. |
| 3. |
He cannot recall one game in particular at the present time (number 3 is brought to you by
President William Jefferson Clinton). |
| 2. |
June 8th, 1984 - you should've seen the smokin' chick in the first row. |
| 1. |
The game when he finally got to sit his tired ass down. |
| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
"Spanking the horsehide monkey" |
| 9. |
"Dropping mom off at the rest home" |
| 8. |
"Going deeper than the Russian debt" |
| 7. |
"A Mexican strikeout" |
| 6. |
"Impeaching President Baseball" |
| 5. |
"Making contact with a pitched ball in such a way as to cause it to leave
the confines of the playing field while remaining in fair territory" |
| 4. |
"Allying the McBall" |
| 3. |
"A homer-sexual" (joke sent in by Adam Kaye, age 12) |
| 2. |
"A wonderful excuse for your teammates to pat you on the ass" |
| 1. |
"Interrupting the drunken slugfest in the bleachers" |
| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
"You call this a baseball team? Where are all the fat guys?" |
| 9. |
"Yo quiero Taco Bell!" |
| 8. |
"All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a candy bar after me?" |
| 7. |
"All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a talking pig after me?" |
| 6. |
"Hell, if that's the case, I would have been impeached from the Yankees 500 times." |
| 5. |
"I won't play unless I'm paid one hundred thousand dollars a year!" |
| 4. |
"I can't believe all these naked photos of me on the internet." |
| 3. |
"I've just come back from the dead - so can't Denny's give me a free meal?" |
| 2. |
"Yeah, I'd like to see McGwire hit 60 home runs drunk off his ass!" |
| 1. |
"Steinbrenner sucks." |
| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
Roger Maris. |
| 9. |
My mom. |
| 8. |
Osama Bin Laden. |
| 7. |
Anyone who watches Willard Scott with the hope that he'll mention their name on television. |
| 6. |
Bill Clinton, unless of course you're referring to "home run" as a slang term for sex, in which
case he would not be on the list, on account of his having lots and lots of sex. |
| 5. |
Morley Safer, unless he can somehow get 25 homers in his last 23 games. |
| 4. |
Mary Kate Olsen (Ashley has an outside chance, though). |
| 3. |
James Brolin (Note: is physically capable of this but Barbara won't let him work). |
| 2. |
This guy (Camera shot of guy sitting in audience). |
| 1. |
You! |
| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
Visiting team automatically given six run head start. |
| 9. |
Most Yankees leave at the top of the 8th to beat traffic. |
| 8. |
Infielders always tripping over their lawn chairs. |
| 7. |
Team's stated goal is to "Go out there and give 41%". |
| 6. |
Coaches give most of their hand signals to the beer vendors. |
| 5. |
Have been using team practice to rehearse their World Series victory hug. |
| 4. |
On odd days, Derek Jeter volunteers with the Mets. |
| 3. |
New promotion: "Get a Refund Plus $10,000 If the Yankees Lose Day". |
| 2. |
Tickets now read: "Game starts at 7:30 - Game ends when the Yankees finish whoopin' ass." |
| 1. |
Sometimes they let an American guy pitch. |
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