A very strange Premier League season: High lines, ‘good process’ and raw chicken

It feels like you get to the end of every Premier League season, sit back and think, “What a strange season this has been.”

But as we approach the end of this Premier League season, it’s impossible not to sit back and think, “What a strange season this has been.”

It started on the opening weekend. Excitement was high at Brentford, with Ange Postecoglou taking charge of his first Tottenham Hotspur game: how would they play under this manager who arrived with no pedigree in a top European league, but with the promise of thrilling football? How would Spurs cope without Harry Kane? The answer, initially at least, was: you’ll have to wait, because the plumbing is broken. The start of the game was delayed by six minutes because there was no running water into the stadium at Brentford, a short delay but an undeniably bizarre way to begin a new era.

From there, Tottenham’s season only got more normal: they went unbeaten for their next 10 games, only for the 11th to be one of the most chaotic fixtures in Premier League history: two Spurs players were sent off, which most managers would take as a cue to be cautious. Instead, Spurs crammed their eight outfield players into an eight-yard section of the pitch near the halfway line, to stick with their gung-ho approach. They lost 4-1.

this is genuinely some kind of performative art pic.twitter.com/t2rI2DLqeS

— ⛷️ (@stokaljona) November 6, 2023

But that wasn’t even the weirdest game at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium last autumn. A few weeks earlier, Spurs beat Liverpool 2-1, broadly thanks to a slice of refereeing incompetence that will echo through the ages. Luis Diaz scored for Liverpool, only to be flagged offside on the pitch, but when the decision was referred to the VAR, Darren England, he mistakenly thought that it had been given onside. So when the checks confirmed Diaz was onside, England hastily declared “check complete” and was congratulated by on-field referee Simon Hooper for the VAR team’s “good process”.

Simon Hooper watching the VAR screen (Justin Setterfield/Getty Images)

It was left to Mo Abby, the on-duty technical assistant (basically the guy who operates the machines from which the VARs make their decisions) and quiet hero of the piece, to point out the mistake. “Are you happy with this?” he said. They were not happy with this. And neither was Jurgen Klopp, who said later that if he had his way, the game would be replayed.

Still, that wasn’t the least dignified reaction to adverse refereeing decisions this season. In their game against Everton in April, Nottingham Forest were not awarded three penalties that they believed they should have been, so shortly after the game, the club posted on X: “Three extremely poor decisions — three penalties not given — which we simply cannot accept. We warned PGMOL (the referees’ body) that the VAR is a Luton fan before the game but they didn’t change him. Our patience has been tested multiple times. NFFC will now consider its options.”

Three extremely poor decisions – three penalties not given – which we simply cannot accept.

We warned the PGMOL that the VAR is a Luton fan before the game but they didn’t change him. Our patience has been tested multiple times.

NFFC will now consider its options.

— Nottingham Forest (@NFFC) April 21, 2024

And that was the slightly more measured version: they apparently wanted to send the tweet at half-time, at which point only two of the disputed incidents had taken place. The VAR in question, Stuart Attwell, is indeed a fan of Luton Town, who were a point behind Forest and five back from Everton at the time, so even if you accept the idea that his decisions were made with his team’s interests in mind, Luton’s optimal result would probably have been a draw.

Still, at least Forest had an expert on hand to guide them: in what we’ll call an ‘unusual’ move, they had appointed former referee Mark Clattenburg as a consultant to help them explain decisions and smooth things over with officials. Clattenburg stepped down in May, admitting that his presence probably actually caused more harm than good.

No number of advisors could stop them from becoming just the fourth team in Premier League history to be docked points, after Forest had four of them deducted for breaching the Premier League’s profitability and sustainability rules. Which was small fry compared to Everton, who themselves were docked first 10 points, which was reduced to six on appeal, and then a further two points for breaking the rules, which currently allow Premier League clubs to lose £35million a year. And we’ll probably have to get used to that: smart people who know about these things suggest that plenty more clubs could be in trouble next season.

The men who want to buy football clubs

In all likelihood, that won’t include Manchester United but it’s been quite a season at Old Trafford. If there is a god of metaphors, he was being just a little too obvious when water began pouring through the old, broken roof towards the end of their recent game against Arsenal. There wasn’t just an impromptu waterfall being formed as the rain was dumped off the edge of the roof, but rivers ran down the steps and under the seats as the water seemingly streamed in thanks to an overflowing drain. That this came a couple of days after Sir Jim Ratcliffe insisted that staff must come to the ground, rather than working at home, added an extra layer of amusement.

If you were under one of those leaks, at least you would only get wet. Things might have been even more unpleasant for anyone sampling the corporate hospitality at Old Trafford, after their food hygiene rating was downgraded to one out of five, as a result of raw chicken being served to guests at an event. No laughing matter for anyone who could have been confined to the toilet as a result, but it did lead to an undeniably hilarious statement that included the line: “Everyone at the club is determined to regain our five-star food hygiene status as quickly as possible.”

All of which doesn’t even include Sheffield United becoming only the second club in Premier League history to concede 100 goals in a season, bringing up their century after just 36 games: it took Swindon, the only other club with this dubious honour, 42 games.

It doesn’t include Newcastle United’s Sandro Tonali taking a trip to a Wetherspoon, which, for the uninitiated, is a popular ‘budget’ chain of pubs with dubious carpets. Not quite the place you would expect to find a Premier League footballer.

It doesn’t include Wolverhampton Wanderers manager Gary O’Neil claiming that beating Bournemouth, the club who harshly sacked him last summer, didn’t mean anything more than winning any other game, then proving that he didn’t care later by appearing on Sky Sports two days later with a detailed presentation explaining all of the clever ways that he masterminded the result.

So after all that, it really is impossible not to sit back and think, “What a strange season this has been.”