Source:MSTF/2005

« MSTF ep 8 »
"MSTF 8: With Kung-Fu Quip"
Airdate	September 22, 2005
Written by	Doug Dlin Matthew Greenbaum Robert Jung Matt Kuphaldt Bill Ray Greg Sepelak Trent Troop Jennifer Ulm Graham Weaver David Willis Benson Yee Philip N. Zeman
Directed by	Greg Sepelak (King Weasel Productons)

MSTF 8: With Kung-Fu Quip

BotCon 2005

Frisco, TX - September 22, 2005

Contents 1 DISCLAIMER 2 OPENING CREDITS: "SQUID" BY LOS STRAITJACKETS 3 SKIT ONE: MYSTERIOUS EXCITEMENT 4 BUMPER ONE 5 EPISODE ONE: PRIME TARGET 6 BUMPER TWO 7 SKIT TWO: FRIENDLY SUGGESTION 8 BUMPER THREE 9 EPISODE TWO: AUTO-BOP 10 BUMPER FOUR 11 SKIT THREE: THE ALPAHBET OF CYBERTRON 12 BUMPER FIVE 13 EPISODE THREE: THE KILLING JAR 14 BUMPER SIX 15 SKIT FOUR: REMOVE HEAD FROM URANUS 16 BUMPER SEVEN 17 EPISODE FOUR: ONLY HUMAN 18 BUMPER EIGHT 19 SKIT FIVE: TOO LATE FOR APOLOGIES 20 CLOSING CREDITS

[house lights down, roll tape]

DISCLAIMER

The opinions expressed in this presentation are not necessarily those of Fun Publications, Inc. or Hasbro Inc., who claim no responsibility for its content.

At this point we'd have a joke about how the opinions are likely to be the ones held by Master Collector. But we really can't say for sure.

We mean, this is the first time we've ever worked with these guys. It would be horribly rude and presumptive of us to just ASSUME they think like we do.

Who the hell do we think we are anyway?

What's OUR deal?!

We make us sick.

Roll tape.

[The disclaimer was done in the style of the opening crawl of the various "Star Wars" movies. Phil created a King Weasel Productions logo reminiscent of the 20th Century Fox searchlight logo, but not actually a straight parody of it.

Unlike the "SkyJammer Enterprises" logo he created. That was pretty close to the "Lucasfilm, Ltd." logo; about the only thing missing was the little sparkly light effects, which he just didn't have the program to do. Didn't matter; the crowd immediately recognized it and cheered loudly and applauded.

The MSTF logo was rendered in the same font as the Star Wars logo, and the crawl faded into infinity to the sounds of the 1977 disco version of the "Star Wars" theme by Meco Menardo.

Phil couldn't help but laugh each time he watched the full effect as he created the videos. Sipher and Doug also thought it was hilarious, and so did the audience. It made Phil feel all the effort he put into creating this years videos was well worth it. Of the opening credits videos and disclaimers that he's created, this is his favorite.

Phil *still* laughs at the Star Wars parody, weeks later. He probably needs help.]

OPENING CREDITS: "SQUID" BY LOS STRAITJACKETS

[The credits started with the G.I. Joe opening credits as a wink and a nod to Brian Savage, who runs the Joe convention/club in addition to the Transformers convention/club. In fact, all these episodes have a tie to G.I. Joe in some fashion, which is why they were chosen. The credits continually had Joe clips tossed in, as if someone was taking control.

The credits also had a water theme, since the music was "Squid" and had a decidedly surfer-music aspect. Phil also threw in a cameo appearance by our [mstf] Adult Swim bumper "character" from MSTF 7, implying that he was the one repeatedly screwing with the credits.

The final title was a parody of "Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith" - "MSTF Episode 8: Revenge of the Shi", quickly covered by "WITH KUNG-FU QUIP".]

SKIT ONE: MYSTERIOUS EXCITEMENT

(There are a lot of things draped with sheets. Random things. Doug is also covered in a sheet. Everything sheeted has a sign on it advertising the Transformers movie release date of July 4th, 2007.)

PHIL: (Vic Carolli voice) It is the year Two Thou-

SIPHER & DOUG: SHUT UP.

PHIL: So as I'm sure many of you are aware, Transformers is set to be a major-studio, live-action motion picture!

SIPHER: And so that Don Murphy doesn't personally ban us from seeing it, we've become part of the media blitz!

DOUG: So why am I under a sheet?

PHIL: (Patently ignoring Doug) As you might have seen on CERTAIN WEB-SITE REPORTS (pauses for a big cheezy smile), at the San Diego Comic-Con, Hasbro had a semi truck covered in a tarp, with advertisements for the movie on it. Well, weren't we just the teensiest bit inpired by this exciting technique!

SIPHER: Yes, the promise of revelation, of hidden treasures... of supple, smooth delights waiting just below such sheer... (stops and realizes he's in public) Um, yes.

PHIL: Yes, the mystery! The excitement of this exciting mystery! I mean... LOOK AT THIS!!! (Phil points to one of several random objects on the table covered by a sheet of some kind.) Is it a prop? Is it a working model of one of the Transformers' movie models? How about THIS!!! (Holds up something that's covered as well.) Merchandising? Store display? (Now sounding like Pee Wee in the "crime scene briefing" scene from "Pee Wee's Big Adventure") WHAT'S THE CONNECTION?! *I DON'T KNOW!!!*

DOUG: I'm a ghost! Boo!

SIPHER: And there's so much this exciting technique can be used for! Like this!

(Sipher pulls someone out from behind the screen or desk or whatever. They too are covered by a sheet.)

SIPHER: Is it reported director Michael Bay? Is it executive producer Stephen Spielberg? WHO KNOWS?! That's the mystery of it all and it's exciting!

GUY UNDER SHEET: Ooh! Can I be George Clooney?

(Sipher hits the guy under the sheet in the back of the head and shoves him back behind the screen or desk or whatever.)

PHIL: Exciting, isn't it? And that's just a sample of the kind of stuff we'll be draping things over as we get ever closer to the mo-

(Phil's cel phone starts ringing.)

PHIL: Hang on... (answers) Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes. Yes? Yes. No. Yes. Yes? (Looks at the bottom of his shoe) Size 12. Yes? Yes? Yes? YES? Yes. Oh. Yes. (long pause) Yes. Yes. Yes.

(Phil sighs, hangs up, and then gets down and affixes a new date-sign to the sign on the desk over the old one, reading "August 23rd, 2008")

DOUG: What just happened?

SIPHER: Well, um... MORE EXCITEMENT THEN!

PHIL: YES! More time to build up the excitement by draping mystery movie things! There will be buckets of excitement for all!

DOUG: Can I ask a question?

SIPHER: What?

DOUG: So you guys are draping stuff over everything movie-related, right?

PHIL: IT'S EXCITING.

DOUG: So I gather. But my question is... aren't these people (indicates the audience) also part of that whole experience?

(Phil and Sipher look at each other. Sipher then pulls out a large sheet and heads for the front row as Phil gets out his cel phone.)

PHIL: I'LL ORDER MORE SHEETS!

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!

[house lights down, unpause tape]

[The skit went of marginally well, with only a few problems. First off, we didn't get Walky (the guy under the sheet) close enough to a microphone, so his line was hard to hear.

Second, we had Jenni Ulm running our tape, so beforehand, Phil asked her to call his cell phone on cue. Unfortunately, Jenni accidentally hit some wrong numbers, so the cue was missed. Phil stalled for as long as he could, giving a few pointed looks to Jenni as in, "Um, where's the phone ring?" Finally, Phil said, "I think I'm getting a call," and pulled out his cell phone. Of course, that's when the phone rang. Nice timing.

Third, Phil forgot to bring markers to change the signage to the new date. Thankfully, Doug understood the problem when he heard Phil sigh, and he quickly said his line, to which Phil replied, "They just changed the date to August 23, 2008."

The opening bit is "inspired" by the many many many MANY posts in various online TF forums in the months approaching New Years' Day 2005, about how really incredibly clever it would be to post "IT IS THE YEAR 2005" on the forums when midnight rolled around, or to say it out loud, or use it in any way when 2005 happened, as this Victor Carolli's opening line of narration in the Transformers animated movie, establishing that it is, indeed, the year 2005. It got old pretty much instantly.

As for the content of the skit, in the summer if 2005, Don Murphy, a producer for the new movie, raised some commotion in the online fandom by going on a rampage against people who posted quotes from his website. The situation was resolved, but it did seem to indicate that he's not someone you should go out of your way to make mad, unless you like reading rabid diatribes full of empty threats and limp insults. He actually said he'd ban an entire messageboard from seeing the TF movie.

And at San Diego Comic Con 2005, yes, there was a semi-truck covered in a tarp advertising the movie. However, it was determined that only the portions of the truck visible had red duct tape covering them. The rest of the truck was not.

And the date of the movie was originally Summer 2006, then Thanksgiving 2006, and now July 4, 2007. That's probably a firm date.

Until it changes.]

BUMPER ONE

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE — CASTING CALL

Sean Connery as OPTIMUS PRIME

• Girls love him
• He was in "The Avengers" and "Xardoz", and let's face it — movies don't get much worse than that.
• C'mon — like you wouldn't want to hear Optimus say "Suck it, Megatron!"

[Sipher saw "The Avengers" for free. He wanted his two hours of life back. And he doesn't see how Uma Thurman is considered attractive. She's a lizard.]

EPISODE ONE: PRIME TARGET

(TITLE: PRIME TARGET)

PHIL: Prime Target with smashed potatoes and salad, $8.99.

[Prime Rib special, get it?]

(A jet flies wayyyyy low and way slow over an ice field.)

SIPHER: These Russian turnip-fueled jets aren't very fast.

OCTOBER GUARD PILOT: Oktober Guard 1 to base. I'm receiving a sonar reading from beneath the ice. Probable submarine.

(A harpoon shoots out from the ice, spearing the jet)

DOUG: (Capt. Ahab) ARRR, SUMMON QUEEQUEG.

[From Herman Melville's "Moby Dick". Also, Oktober Guards appeared in G.I. Joe.]

PILOT: C-comrades! I've been struck! Damage critical! I'm ejecting!

SIPHER: (Yakov Smirnov) In OUR country, the PLANES eject from YOU!

[Yakov was a comedian in Russia who found fame in the United States in the 1980's, reassuring a scared populace that yes, America was vastly superior to the Godless Commie Russia, and foreigners talked funny. Last we heard, he had a show in Branson, Missouri.]

(The jet flames and struggles against the chain, then smashes into the ice)

DOUG: That really should be in lots of little pieces.

(The jet sinks into the water)

SIPHER: YOU FARGING ICEHOLE.

["Johnny Dangerously" reference to Ron Moronie, a funny-talking foreign gangster whose epithets were always mangled.]

(Scene shifts to a very strange landscape with a weird castle)

DINSMOOR: (vo) This is a lovely specimen, Lord Chumleigh, but...

PHIL: PLEASE let me flush it.

SIPHER: EYUW.

(Lord Chumleigh and Dinsmoor walk through the trophy room full of animal heads and vehicles and stuff)

CHUMLEIGH: Oh, these things blow over. Remember the Boer War?

DINSMOOR: Painfully, sir.

PHIL: It BOERED me.

CHUMLEIGH: ... everybody else has forgotten it.

(They stop in front of the Russian jet, hanging on the wall and looking kinda small)

DOUG: That is a tiny-ass plane.

CHUMLEIGH: Just one more trophy, and my collection will be complete.

(Dinsmoor begins pouring some tea, completely missing the cup)

SIPHER: Why is he being served by Count Olaf?

[Count Olaf is the never-give-up villain in Lemony Snickett's "A Series of Unfortunate Events" kids' books, a rather gleefully macabre series in which three orphans are shuffled from new home to new home, forever hounded by evil relative Count Olaf in various disguises, out to kill them or whatever it takes to get the fortune they stand to inherit. Two (three?) of the books were turned into a movie, starring Jim Carrey as Olaf, which is kind of disturbing how well it works. Dinsmoor really does look a LOT like Olaf.]

DINSMOOR: The Space Shuttle, sir?

CHUMLEIGH: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. No sport there.

DINSMOOR: An aircraft carrier, perhaps?

(Shot of an empty plaqure reading "PLACE HEAD HERE: OPTIMUS PRIME")

CHUMLEIGH: Bagged one in the Big War. No, Dinsmoor, I want the ultimate trophy: the head of the Autobot Optimus Prime.

DOUG: Who makes pre-marked plaques for Prime's head?

SIPHER: Palisades.

[Palisades Toys created status of Transformers for two years. They recently branched out into somewhat odder collectible items with the TF license, like very lage wall-mounted Autobot and Decepticon insignia plaques. We're not sure who, exactly, would BUY these. High-end collectables don't seem to have a big market in a fandom that continually grows larger by constantly adding new younger fans.]

(Chumleigh notices his teacup is actually empty)

CHUMLEIGH: Er, Dinsmoor, may I have some tea?

SIPHER: (Extremeley lifeless) Ha ha ha ha ha.

(Out on the highway, Tracks and Bumblebee are in vehicle mode)

TRACKS: Very insightful of Optimus Prime to send me on this supply run to show the humans that Autobots not only have strength but refinement as well.

DOUG: Yeah, the Corvette and Beetle are renowned for their cargo-hauling capacity.

TRACKS: Bumblebee, I fear some of us have much to be humble about. Well, I suppose we'll be mobbed by my adoring public.

(They're no in robot mode, behind a crowd of humans staring at a TV in a store window)

BUMBLEBEE: Yeah, they can hardly resist ya, Tracks.

PHIL: TV IS more interesting than giant alien robots.

NEWS ANCHOR: (ON TELEVISION SET IN STORE WINDOW) Tension between the U.S. and the Soviet Union reached its highest point today since the Cuban missile crisis.

DOUG: (Loud and cheezy) WHY LOOK IT'S HECTOR RAMIREZ, TELEVISION HOST FROM THE POPULAR CARTOON SERIES G.I. JOE!

SIPHER: No it's not.

DOUG: Shut up.

[He was never named in "Transformers", but he looks just like Hector from "G.I. Joe". Different voice, but the model is enough. Also, Sipher has an inordinate amount of fondness for the line "Shut up" when delivered quickly without even looking at the recipient and moving right on to the next line, a technique MST3K used frequently.]

ANCHOR: ...both nations have placed their armed forces on high alert.

BUMBLEBEE: Decepticons!

SIPHER: Where?

(Shot of an alley. Blitzwing and Astrotrain are walking down it.)

SIPHER: DAH! How'd he SEE them?!

TRACKS: So much for my new wax job!

(The Autobots transform and charge into the alley)

PHIL: I hope they knock over a fruit stand.

[It's a law or something that vehicle chases must involve the knocking over of fruit stands, or two guys carrying a pane of glass, or a narrowly-avoided old lady or baby carriage crossing the street, or some similar form of carnage or near-carnage.]

TRACKS: I must need an overhaul. I can't catch them!

(The Decepticons back up, blocked by a truck.)

BUMBLEBEE: A dead end!

(The Autobots transform)

BUMBLEBEE: VERY dead.

SIPHER: VERY end.

DOUG: What?

(Tracks grabs for Blitzwing, who vanishes)

TRACKS AND BUMBLEBEE: What?

BUMBLEBEE: Holograms!

PHIL: Hound, you BASTARD!

[Hound can create holograms, you see.]

(The back of the truck opens)

TRACKS: I suspect we've been lured into—

(The truck fires a clamp that hits Track in the chest, shocking him with electricity)

SIPHER: Into WHAT? WHAT, Tracks?

(Bumblebee transforms to car mode and drives away, He's blocked by a dump truck which opens its side; Bumblebee drives right up into

the bed and it closes behind him)

DOUG: I guess Bumblebee forgot he could turn back into a robot.

[This is not the last time in this episode that an Autobot seems to allow himself to be caught or stay caught, despite how easily they could escape.]

DINSMOOR: Trapped neat and clean, Lord Chumleigh! Your holographic projection rifle is working as well as ever!

DOUG: Ah-HUH.

CHUMLEIGH: Jolly good show! Hahah!

(Sigil Transition)

(On the Teletraan-1 main viewscreen, a soap opera plays)

TV SHOW CHARACTER: So you see, my dear, if Donna is having an affair with Gordon...

("My dear" takes a sip from her teacup)

SIPHER: (horrible slurping noises followed by a hearty belch once she sets the cup down)

GRAPPLE, INFERNO, AND JAZZ: (Groan)

NEWS ANCHOR: An emergency session of the UN security council has been convened to discuss the increasing tensions between the U.S. and the Soviet Union over the capture of a Russian jet.

DOUG: Remember when Russia was evil?

[Doncha? All huddled warm around the fire?]

OPTIMUS PRIME: Is that the latest news report?

JAZZ: You think the Decepticons are behind this, Optimus?

OPTIMUS: I don't know why, Jazz, but I doubt it.

PHIL: He must have read the script.

NEWS ANCHOR: Stay tuned to this station for further details as they become available.

OPTIMUS: And Tracks and Bumblebee haven't reported in.

JAZZ: Huh. Knowin' Tracks, he's hangin' out at some body shop or car wash.

PHIL: Or the YMCA.

[We don't have to explain every Tracks joke, do we? DO WE? No, we don't.]

OPTIMUS: Whatever the case, we must find them. Autobots, transform!

(The Autobots transform. Blaster flies through the air in boombox mode, into Jazz through his window)

SIPHER: Who threw Blaster?

(Sigil Transition)

(Jazz is driving along in car mode, spewing horrible brown exhaust)

DOUG: Holy CRAP, Jazz, did you eat Taco Bell this morning?

JAZZ: ...but no sign of Tracks or Bumblebee.

(Jazz sees a car wash)

JAZZ: Hey, where'd that come from?

(A taxi gets behind Jazz and forces him into the car wash)

JAZZ: Hey there, don't get pushy!

(Chumleigh pulls some levers, and JAzz is lifted up into the air from below and shocked with energy. Dinsmoor gets out of the taxi)

DOUG: (Dinsmoor) Your robot-trapping fake car wash worked perfectly as ever, sir.

[This line actually got quite a good reaction, for which we're glad.]

DINSMOOR: (Wearily) Er, perhaps we should make a day of it, sir... I'm bushed.

CHUMLEIGH: Dinsmoor... where is your spirit?

SIPHER: (Dinsmoor) I left it in my other pants.

OPTIMUS PRIME: Autobots, scour the city!

DOUG: (Prime) It's filthy!

(Beachcomber stops and transforms to drop a coin into a toll booth, then returns to dune buggy mode. The coin basket snakes out and clamps onto his rear bumper... if Beachcomber had a bumper)

BEACHCOMBER: Hey, don't be greedy, I'm not giving you one penny more than—

(Two large machine-arms magically appear and grab Beachcomber)

DOUG: (Dinsmoor) Your giant two-armed tollbooth trap attached to a major highway worked as perfectly as ever, Lord Chumley.

[Yes, it's a running gag, and each time, it got big laughs. We're happy.]

CHUMLEIGH: Marvelous! Snared like a Japanese tiger!

PHIL: Catch a tiger by the tailpipe.

["Catch a tiger by the tail".]

(Grapple pulls up to a construction site)

GRAPPLE: Hey! You up there! I'm looking for some friends of mine!

SIPHER: (Cleese) They're from Barcelona!

[Grapple sounds like John Cleese, and Cleese's Fawlty Towers character Basil Fawlty was endlessly referring to his employee Manuel's origins in Barcelona.]

CHUMLEIGH: Well, by Jove, you shall see your friends sooner than you think.

(Several girders fall from the sky, faling into the form of a cage which closes over Grapple.)

SIPHER: Yyyyyeah.

GRAPPLE: Hey, who designed this rattrap??

CHUMLEIGH: How perceptive!

(Chumleigh uses the crane to haul the cage to a ferry. Dinsmoor gets out of the ferry.)

DOUG: (Dinsmoor) Your magically-falling-into-a-cage-form girders worked perfectly as ever, sir.

CHUMLEIGH: Comes from years of studying the Kibularu tribe in lower Sontanga. Er, or was it the Sontanga tribe in lower Kibularu?

SIPHER: Yeah, whatever, Commander McBragg.

[Commander McBragg was from a segment in...some Jay Ward show - probably Tennessee Tuxedo - who told ridiculous tall tales of his adventures where he took credit for other famous people's achievements but always managed to just miss the spotlight, invariably geared towards ending with some terrible pun. Sipher always hated this cartoon.]

BLASTER: Prime, this is Blaster blastin' at ya from Billboard Row. Nothin' funny goin' on here,

ALL: HEY!!!

(The billboard directly above Blaster becomes active, the hands depicted in it grabbing him.)

PHIL: THE HAND OF GOD!!!

(The hands pull him up to the "Creamy Cream" billboard.)

SIPHER: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DAAAAAAALE!!!

[Old, old hand cream commericals, where a young man mistakes the hands of his mother-in-law (or soon-to-be mother in-law, we forget) for his wife/fiance Dale's, because her hands are so young-looking and soft thanks to the hand cream. It was also a recurring riff on MST3K.

On that note, "Creamy Cream" was the source of several exceedingly blue comments that never made it to the script.]

(Commercial break)

BLASTER: Hands off! Don't touch that dial!

DOUG: BAD TOUCH.

[Show us where the bad man touched you on this Transformer.]

(Blaster is forcibly transformed to boombox mode. The hands toss him into the window of a passing taxi, where he's caught by Chumleigh)

LORD CHUMLEIGH: (Chuckles) A little travelling music, Dinsmoor?

SIPHER: (Dinsmoor) Play that funky music, white boy.

[From Vanilla Ice's "Play That Funky Music White Boy". Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die. Big laughs from this one. Maybe it's just that saying things as Dinsmoor is instantly funny.]

(Someone breaks open a fire alarm came and pulls the handle. Firefighters rush to a burning building, as does Inferno.)

INFERNO: Inferno to the rescue!

PHIL: PORK CHOP SANDWICHES!

[From one of the Fenslerfilms "G.I. Joe" PSA (Public Service Announcement) parodies, where the audio track is replaced and on occasion the video edited for comedy — very profane comedy.

This is a reference to a PSA about not trying to cook when your parents aren't supervising; a kid attempting this catches drapes (oddly hung over the oven range) on fire. The Joe member Blowtorch runs in, not to rescue them, but because he was lured in by the smell of "PORK CHOP SANDWICHES!" He then swears like a sailor as he panics at the sight of fire. The kids, by the way, speak in complete gibberish.]

(A kid is waving by a window)

INFERNO: Lie down, kid, until I get there!

DOUG: Good thing this place is giant-robot-scaled.

INFERNO: Didn't you hear me?? What the?

(The "child" breaks apart as Inferno picks him up)

ALL: MURDERER!!!

(A water hose starts snaking around Inferno's leg, then wrapping around his body, breaking off his arm-radio...)

INFERNO: Prime, this is Inferno! I've been suckered into—

(The radio re-apperas and breaks off AGAIN)

SIPHER: Hey, that radio snapped off twice!

(Shot of Chumleigh and Dinsmoor as firemen)

CHUMLEIGH: Amazing!

DOUG: (Dinsmoor) Your exact replica of a young boy and ambulatory firehose worked as perfectly as ever, Lord Chumley.

OPTIMUS: Autobots, this is Prime. Abrupt change in plans. Return to headquarters immediately.

SIPHER: (Prime) Bo Bice is on Oprah.

[Bo Bice was one of the finalists of "American Idol" in 2005, and Oprah refers to Oprah Winfrey, talk show host and rather powerful mogul in the entertainment industry. The idea that Prime watches either is humorous.]

(Windcharger finds himself blocked between stop bars on a rail as a train, run by Chumleigh, approaches.)

WINDCHARGER: Uh-oh!

SIPHER: YOU STOPPED ON THE TRACKS BEFORE THE BARS WENT DOWN.

(Windcharger transforms to robot mode and escapes.)

CHUMLEIGH: Drat. Dash! Double-drat!

PHIL: After all that fancy crap... you try to HIT THEM WITH A TRAIN.

[Seriously. Those weird schemes he created for the others... and now a TRAIN.]

OPTIMUS: Attention, Autobots. Repeat: Return to headquarters at once.

(A drill comes out of a lamppost, while a claw comes out of a manhole. Both converge on Huffer in truck mode.)

HUFFER: This is Huffer. Message received. With pleasure!

DOUG: (Huffer) SCREW our missing teammates!

(Huffer drives off, and the drill and claw destroy each other.)

DINSMOOR: (Annoyed) No cooperation. No cooperation at all.

SIPHER: (Rodney Dangerfield) Hyuh, I tellya, no cooperation.

[Rodney Dangerfield was a comedian whose catchphrase was "Hyuh, I get no respect, I tellya...."]

(Sigil transition)

OPTIMUS: Our fellow Autobots are missing and we don't have a clue as to where they are.

WARPATH: I say we go out and—BANG!—nail some Decepticon hide!

SIPHER: BOY I'm glad this isn't like Cybertron with its wacky accents.

["Transformers: Cybertron" debuted in July 2005, and many familiar characters suddenly developed new accents. And there was much whining.]

TELETRAAN 1: Alert. Cosmos is broadcasting on the emergency frequency.

COSMOS: (on viewscreen) Optimus! I have spotted something most disturbing!

PHIL: (Cosmos) They made a sequel to Deuce Bigalo!

["Deuce Bigalo" was a horrid "comedy" starring Rob Schneider as a male gigolo. For reasons that are completely unknown to us, they actually made a sequel to this in 2005.]

(On the viewscreen, we see basically a robot torture chamber. Tracks in car mode is running track dodging lasers, Bumblebee has to keep transforming to keep from having extremities chopped off by swinging blades, Grapple is in a harness holding up a heavy rock, Beachcomber has to drive on a treadmill jumping over spikes)

SIPHER: These are the most ESCAPABLE torture devices I've ever seen.

OPTIMUS PRIME: He'll be fine as long as he keeps his motor hopping, but Grapple's already beginning to fade. What kind of monster would build such devices,

DOUG: Joe Rogan?

SIPHER: Jimmy Carr?

PHIL: Marc Summers?

[Joe Rogan is the host of "Fear Factor". Jimmy Carr is the host of both the British and American versions of "Distraction". Marc Summers hosted "Double Dare" in the 1980's. All three game shows involve the contestants performing stunts of various degress of messiness or painfulness.]

COSMOS: Right away, Prime!

(Cosmos fades from the screen, and Chumleigh appears, wavig his hands back and forth stupidly)

CHUMLEIGH: Greetings, Optimus Prime! Forgive the interruption, but you see, your friends can't wait for your arrival.

SIPHER: (Waves his hands in the air stupidly too)

[It should be noted that for only the second time in MSTF history, the performers were directly below the screen, rather than to the side, because our setup is pretty much at the whim of the setup of the panel room. As such, Sipher didn't have to exaggerate his motions anywhere as much as he was anticipating. He also took the chance to do a few more visual gags along those lines throughout the performance, "interacting" with the lower part of the screen.]

OPTIMUS: Who are you and what do you want?

SIPHER: I'm Fatman, and I want to eat.

[A variation on on of our favorite gags, "I'm Batman".]

CHUMLEIGH: I'm offering you a sporting chance to rescue your companions.

OPTIMUS: Torture isn't sport, but I accept your challenge.

CHUMLEIGH: Oh, good show, Mr. Prime. Er, directions will be forthcoming.

DOUG: (Chumleigh) I'm right by the Waffle House.

OPTIMUS: Fine, then let's begin now.

(Optimus pulls a lever marked "Feed Back Overload", and Chumleigh's monitors smokes and explodes.)

SIPHER: Prime have a LOT of use for that lever?

CHUMLEIGH: He does have a temper, doesn't he, Dinsmoor?

DOUG: (Spiny Norman) Dinsmooooor. DINSMOOOOOR.

[The Monty Python sketch about gangsters called the Piranha Brothers included the tidbit that Dinsdale Piranha was under the impression that he was being stalked by a gigantic hedgehog named Spiny Norman, who was shown in animated sequences poking around London saying "Diiiinsdaaaaaaaale".]

OPTIMUS: No, Warpath. I'm going in there myself. If he wants a one-to-one battle, he's gonna get it!

(Sigil transition to the Decepticon base)

MEGATRON: Whoever he is, he's brilliant for a flesh creature.

STARSCREAM: Especially since he has done more in two days than you have in two years!

PHIL: Try four million or so.

(Megatron knocks Starscream onto his butt.)

MEGATRON: My patience for you wears thin, Starscream! (He turns to the monitor) Triple Changers!

SIPHER: Yyyyello!

[Oddly big laughs for this simple, silly gag.]

BLITZWING: (on monitor with Astrotrain) Yes, Megatron.

ASTROTRAIN: Awaiting your orders.

MEGATRON: To you I entrust the ultimate mission!

DOUG: (Megatron) Bring me the sports section!

[An MSTF in-joke. Back in 2001, there was a running gag of Megatron going to the bathroom in "Aerial Assault". Ever since, we've included some reference to that in each MSTF performance.]

MEGATRON: With his help, we shall finish off the Autobots once and for all!

STARSCREAM: What's the matter, Megatron? Afraid to do it yourself?

PHIL: Hee hee!

(Prime FLIES IN with jet-boosters on his truck mode trailer, Chumliegh watchting him through a telescope)

ALL: (General cries of LAME NO NO WRONG)

CHUMLEIGH: Ahh! Here comes the robot now, dressed as a semi-truck. How very punctual!

(Prime transforms into robot mode)

OPTIMUS: Autobots, this is Prime. I have arrived in the target area.

DOUG: (Prime) Castle Doofy.

CHUMLEIGH: (OVER PA SYSTEM) Good day, Optimus Prime! I trust you're feeling hale and hearty?

OPTIMUS: Why don't you come out where I can see you?

CHUMLEIGH: I made that mistake with a rhino in the veldt one time.

SIPHER: (Lloyd Bridges) My bowels were replaced completely with hemp.

[A reference to the late Mr. Bridge's addled war-hero character "Tug" Benson from the movies "Hot Shots!" and "Hot Shots! Part Deux", where it seems he was injured every five seconds in the war and had to have SOME part of his body replaced.]

CHUMLEIGH: I have them hidden somewhere in this well-researched mock-up of Cybertron.

(What can only be called a large dragon appears behind Prime)

SIPHER: Uh...

CHUMLEIGH: Er, your task is to find them before something rather... unpleasant happens. (Chuckles)

(The dragon attacks)

DOUG: I never knew Cybertron had an abundant dragon population.

PHIL: He did his research on Wikipedia.

[Wikipedia is an online encyclopedia, whose entries are submitted by any Internet user, which can lead to errors until other people review them.]

(Prime tosses the dragon over his shoulder, but gets a hole in it in the process. He lunges for his gun, but the dragon knocks it away with his tail.)

SIPHER: Smart dragon.

(Prime runs onto a catwalk (huh?) and retrieves his gun, but the dragon is right behind him and starts chewing on his shoulder.)

CHUMLEIGH: Beautiful creature, isn't he, Prime? The object of years of patient stalking through the uncharted interior of Borneo.

DOUG: I think you mean the back-lot at Toho.

[Toho is the Japanese movie studio responsible for Godzilla and dozens of other giant-rubber-suit monster movies.]

(Prime kicks the monsterover the railing, sending it rumbling into the water below)

DOUG: Prime wouldn't be so tough if Jackie Paper was here.

[Jackie Paper was the alter-ego of Jackie Draper in the "Puff the Magic Dragon" cartoon special.]

CHUMLEIGH: Bravo, bravo! Magnificent creature, isn't he? Hahah!

DINSMOOR: Oh, absolutely, sir. It's too bad he fell into the drink.

PHIL: (Dinsmoor) I'll call AA.

["Alcoholics Anonymous". Phil apologizes for reading this as "Double A" instead of "A-A" in the performance.]

CHUMLEIGH: Uh, ahah, oh well, enough of this sport. I think it's high time we bagged our game, Dinsmoor.

SIPHER: (Spiny Norman) DINNNNSMOOOR.

[See above.]

(Prime runs out of the tower-thing, barely evading a net)

OPTIMUS: So, you think a simple net is all you need to bag me? You'll have to do better than that, Lord Chumleigh! Do you hear me, Chumleigh?!

(The net becomes alive with electric impulses, which paralyze Optimus and make him fall to the ground.)

SIPHER: (Prime) Oh, that IS all you need. Boy, do I feel dumb about badmouthing the net a moment ago. Um, help?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(Optimus Prime manages to grab a chain lying close to him, connects it to the net, and throws the other end toward a structure. The chain twirls around a steel beam and glows...)

SIPHER: Wait, WHAT?

(The chain crackles with energy and shorts out.

ALL: (improv) NO NO NO BOO WRONG

OPTIMUS: Unless you can... do better than that... you're finished, Chumleigh!

DOUG: (Prime) I'm gonna get Tennessee Tuxedo and KICK YOUR ASS.

["Chumley" was the name of the walrus friend of Leonardo Productions' Tennessee Tuxedo, of the show "Tennessee Tuxedo and his Tales".]

CHUMLEIGH: Hahahah! Smashing! Simply smashing! I salute you, Optimus Prime! You are a magnificent beast.

SIPHER: I read your book!

[A reference to the Patton line to Rommel, "You magnificent bastard!"]

(Long pan from the castle to Prime. Prime raises his gun or something)

PHIL: (Prime) HEIL HIT- um... ahem.

[Prime does look like he's saluting something....]

(The Triple Changers fly in)

ASTROTRAIN: Look! Optimus Prime!

BLITZWING: Let's stomp him!

ASTROTRAIN: No! We'll take him by surprise!

SIPHER: REALLY LOUDLY.

(Blitzwing trips over a pipe, and Prime turns around to investigate)

ASTROTRAIN: Clumsy fool!

DOUG: (Really loud) HE'LL RUIN OUR SNEAK ATTACK THIS WAY.

(The camera pans back and forth real fast, and we clearly see Blitzwing in tank mode, but Prime just turns around)

SIPHER: (Prime) Hm, wonder what that tank's doing- oh well!

(Prime keeps going... and he sees a woman in a tattered dress sobbing, connected to a large anvil-like thing by a chain on her ankle)

DOUG: Think Chumleigh has mysogyny issues?

PHIL: NAAAH.

CHUMLEIGH: Go on. Save her. Save her!

SIPHER: (Sebatian, singing) Go on an kiss de girrrrl...

[Referencing a song Sebastian the crab sings in Disney's "The Little Mermaid".]

CHUMLEIGH: Mm. All's fair in love and big game hunting.

OPTIMUS: Not today, Chumleigh. Not today.

PIHL: (Prime) How's Tuesday?

CHUMLEIGH: Drat! Outsmarted by a lorry!

DOUG: Well, at least it wasn't Bud.

[Bud, one of the kids from "Transformers: Cybertron". The girl of the human-kid trio is named Lori, you see.]

ASTROTRAIN: Why didn't Optimus Prime save her? Unless...

BLITZWING: Stop your cryin'!

ASTROTRAIN: Blitzwing, no! It's—

(Blitzwing stomps on the fake girl, and a giant claw clamps around his foot. Green goo shoots up and coats Blitzwing)

SIPHER: So Prime would have had to STOMP on her for this to work.

CHUMLEIGH: That blasted fool!

ASTROTRAIN: You blasted fool! (This line is badly delivered, and Astrotrain's vocal processing doesn't help)

DOUG: Blusted pool? What?

ASTROTRAIN: Hang on!

(Astrotrain starts shooting at Blitzwing)

DOUG: Yeah, there's that Decepticon brotherly love.

[We're being mean to the Sensitive New Age Decepticon fans out there.]

OPTIMUS: Amazing. A booby trap that actually catches boobies.

SIPHER: (Prime) I said "boobies".

ASTROTRAIN: Impenetrable! Blitzwing, how do you get INTO these messes?!

PHIL: (slightly muffled) I have a refreshing mint flavor! HELP!

ASTROTRAIN: I'll have to go to the castle to free you!

CHUMLEIGH: Decepticons! Trust them to spoil the hunt.

DINSMOOR: Yes, sir. Just like the Humane Society, in a way.

DOUG: The Humane Society is noble like wolves?

[More meanness to the same general group.]

(Prime ducks to dodge some laserblasts, firerd by a giant robot scorpion. Chumleigh's face in on a viewscreen on its front)

CHUMLEIGH: I say, Prime.

PHIL: (Chumleigh) I have a special Cyber-Bee JUST for you!

[Referenceing a line from the Beast Wars episode "Gorilla Warfare" (also once MSTF'd), in which Scorponok has indeed prepared a special Cyber-Bee for Optimus Primal.]

OPTIMUS: Chumleigh, you're one royal pain in the diode. Well, get on with it!

CHUMLEIGH: En garde, Optimus Prime!

(Prime and the robot-scorpion circle)

DOUG: How did Chumleigh GET all this crap?

SIPHER: Homeland security contract.

DOUG: Oh, of course.

[Do we really need to explain the bizarre, nonsensical and seemingly ineffectual applications of Homeland Security monies throughout the country?]

(Prime blasts the scorpion, but the shot bounces of. Prime is knocked to the ground, and the scorpion digs its claws into his shoulders.)

PHIL: Oooh, right in the original wounds, that's tough.

(More fighting. Astrotrain wanders in.)

SIPHER: (singing) When all hell's breakin'-

[From "The Touch" by Stan Bush]

(Astrotrain notices Prime and runs)

SIPHER: Whoah, sorry, I'll get out of the shot.

(Prime rips open one of the scorpion's claws)

DOUG: Mmm, get the drawn butter!

(Prime is ready to deal the death-blow to the scorpion...)

ASTROTRAIN: A perfect shot!

(Astrotrain fires, nailing Prime in the back, which him flying off to the side.)

CHUMLEIGH: No! He was mine! Mine!!

SIPHER: (Daffy Duck) ME ME ME MINE MINE WOO HOO! WOO HOO!

[In the Warner Bros. cartoon short "Ali Baba Bunny." Bugs and Daffy find a room full of treasure, and Daffy tries to claim it all for his own little self.]

ASTROTRAIN: Greetings from the Decepticons! We'd like to help you rid the world of Autobots! Certainly—daahh!

(The scorpion strikes, and Astrotrain lands directly on top of Prime)

PHIL: WHOAH.

CHUMLEIGH: Bad show, you cursed scrap-heap. You've cheated me of the savour of victory.

(Overhead shot of Astrotrain on top of Prime)

SIPHER: (kiss kiss noises)

(The scorpion grabs Astrotrain by the leg and drags him off.)

SIPHER: Nooo Prime whatever may occur I will find yoooooou!!

[A reference to the movie The Last of the Mohicans]

(Back at the castle, Chumleigh has the Triple Changers chained to the wall.)

CHUMLEIGH: I've defused your energy weapons.

ASTROTRAIN: Foolish human. We came to help!

PHIL: Care to read our pamphlet?

[Like the Jehovah's Witnesses, you see.]

CHUMLEIGH: You two blundering oafs robbed me of the head of Optimus Prime! You have not heard the end of this.

(In the dungeon...)

GRAPPLE: We've done nothing to you. Release us from these bonds!

PHIL: If only I could just DROP this rock!

GRAPPLE: We struck no bargain!

CHUMLEIGH: No good changing the rules now. You must pay the price of failure, old sport.

BUMBLEBEE: I've gotta send Prime a message!

SIPHER: If only I could roll off this unobstructed table!

BUMBLEBEE: Bumblebee to Optimus Prime. Come in, please!

(Shot from outside, Prime gets up)

BUMBLEBEE: (OVER OPTIMUS' COMMUNICATOR) Come in, Optimus, you've gotta!

OPTIMUS: Uhh... Bumblebee?

DOUG: You must go to the Dagobah system, Prime!

[Referencing Obi-Wan Kenobi from "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back", when he talked to a semi-conscious Luke Skywalker.]

OPTIMUS: Give... give me a homing signal.

(Sigil transition)

CHUMLEIGH: The question is how precisely I shall dispose of you.

(Prime advances... and Chumleight hears him)

DINSMOOR: May I suggest molten lava, sir?

CHUMLEIGH: What?? Incredible! He's still advancing! Good show! I'll still win my trophy!

SIPHER: TO THE BOWLING ALLEY!

(A giant bear-trap clamps down on Prime's leg, but Prime just grabs it and throws it into the air, then shoots it.)

PHIL: Prime cheats at Donkey Kong Jr. too.

[One of the enemies in that video game was a steel-jawed trap that could climb the vines.]

(Prime lifts the castle portcullis and walks in... and in the jump-cut, gets caught in a giant net.)

ALL: (sounds of shock and surprise)

(Chumleigh's face appears on a giant robot spider)

CHUMLEIGH: Caught in my web, Optimus Prime! Hahahah! You have made my life complete!

PHIL: (Chumleigh) Marry me!

OPTIMUS: We'll see who's caught!

(Some more fighting. Prime breaks off one of the spider's mandibles. They struggle, but the spider then bites into its own leg, secreting poisonous glue or something.)

PRIME: What a shame. Don't you know it's dangerous to play with poison, Mrs. Black Widow?

SIPHER: It's also dangerous to play anything BY Poison.

[One of the many many crappy hair-metal bands of the 80's.]

CHUMLEIGH: It was my BEST shot.

DOUG: THAT'S pathetic.

(The tunnel Prime's in starts rotating. Slowly)

PHIL: So he's gonna make Prime barf to death?

DINSMOOR: This will make a frightful ruin of your trophy, Lord Chumleigh.

DOUG: Yeah, throw in a dryer sheet.

[Since it looks like a dryer, tossing Prime around.]

CHUMLEIGH: But as the latest in modern sculpture, it will be smashing.

(Prime crushes the tunnel and it stops.)

CHUMLEIGH: Impossible!

(Prime punches the camera... and the glass on the monitor Chumleigh's watching shatters)

ALL: ("What the hell?" "NO NO NO" improv)

(Dinsmoor hides in a tank turret in the trophy room. Prime walks by)

PHIL: (Spiny Norman) DINSMOOOOOR.

[See above.]

(Prime busts through the wall)

OPTIMUS: Neither impossible nor impossible!

SIPHER: (Inigo Montoya) Use keep using dat word. I dunna tink it means what you tink it means.

[From the movie "The Princess Bride", in reference to Vizzini's repeated use of the word "inconcievable!".]

(Chumleigh frees the Triple Changers)

CHUMLEIGH: Heh, there he is, lads! Hahah! Give him a good thrashing!

(Astrotrain tries to step on Chumleigh, who scurries away)

ASTROTRAIN: See how YOU like being hunted!

CHUMLEIGH: Bu-but... you said—

(The next line is delivered as a vo, but Chumleighs lips move!)

BLITZWING: Never trust Decepticons, flesh creature.

DOUG: Chumleigh does a surprisingly good Blitzwing.

(The Autobots fire at the Decepticons, who transform to aerial modes and fly away.)

OPTIMUS: No point in chasing after them. Here's the trophy I want.

PHIL: (Prime) Get the ballerina costume.

(In Russia, a guard drops his rifle, as he sees the stolen Russian jet in the street, with Chumleigh hogtied to the nosecone)

RUSSIAN GUARDSMAN: Comrade Colonel! Comrade Colonel!

SIPHER: We eat tonight!

NEWS ANCHOR: Global tensions declined sharply today when sources revealed that the lost Soviet jet was stolen by a big game hunter. World leaders have praised Autobot leader Optimus Prime for returning Earth from the brink of war.

DOUG: For about a week.

SIPHER: Oooh, that's dark.

BUMPER TWO

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE — CASTING CALL

Gilbert Gottfried as MEGATRON

• The producers aren't even going to try to get Frank Welker, so why not?
• They're already screwing it up by not making him a gun which is the only thing he should be! I mean a tank? He's gotta be a gun or nothing else! Those stupid dumb—
• Sorry.

[Note: When Phil initially proposed this bumper, he had forgotten that MSTF 4 had a similar joke in the end credits.]

SKIT TWO: FRIENDLY SUGGESTION

DOUG: So, this year, we thought it was a good idea to have a fan advisory board to help us make sure we made the right decisions with the direction of MSTF. Unfortunately, Savage took all the good people.

PHIL: But we've never let a total lack of talent stop us before, so we went ahead and got some suggestions, and we thought now would be a good time to go over them.

SIPHER: Now that it's too late to actually implement anything. HA HA.

(NOTE: All sections in quotes are the players reading from a stack of index cards)

SIPHER: Okay, starting off... "Get the scripts done earlier than the day before the convention." You wrote that one, didn't you, Doug?

PHIL: Hrm. Well, let's see what this one says... "Hot bikini babes."

SIPHER: I'm all for that.

DOUG: With what money? Here's one. "PUDDING."

(Pause. Doug flips the card over, then back again, then shrugs.)

SIPHER: Allright. This one says... "Cash bar." Hrm. I dunno. Can you imagine our circle of friends combined with alcohol?

(All three look up as if leading into a flashback. Pause for five seconds... then all three audibly shudder.)

PHIL: "It's just not the same without Wankus."

DOUG: Granted. "It's just not the same without Wankus' girlfriend flashing people."

ALL: GRANTED.

SIPHER: "Apologize to Brian Savage." I'll take that one under advisement.

PHIL: Good idea. "Tell us how to get into voice acting." Uh...

DOUG: Moving on. "Make a Headmast-" NO.

SIPHER: Okay, let's see this one... hm. "You shouldn't make fun of the episodes at all, as it's disrespectful." Well, I guess I can sorta see their AAAACHOOOO!!! (sneezes directly into the index card, wipes his nose with it, crumples it up and throws it away.)

PHIL: Mmm-hmm. Well, moving on... "Only make fun of that Beast crap." (He tosses the card away.)

DOUG: Next... "Only make fun of that Robots in Disguise crap." (throws that away too.)

SIPHER: "Only make fun of that Armada crap." I'm detecting a theme here. (tosses)

PHIL: "Only do the movie, every year."... Anyone got a lighter?

DOUG: Maybe this one will be... "Only do season one and two episodes, but don't make fun of them."

(At this point, every card is being chucked away)

SIPHER: Sheesh. Let's... "Rare lucky draw chrome gold MSTF segments." The hell?

PHIL: "Limited edition black with turquoise 'Dark MSTF' evil clone presentation." Son of a...

DOUG: "Limited clear-" (throws it away without finishing)

SIPHER: "More Batman."

PHIL: "Your mom."

DOUG: "Stop this inane skit and move on to the next episode."

PHIL: Now THAT I can get behind.

SIPHER: (under his breath) I got behind your-

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!

[house lights down, unpause tape]

[Nothing much to note here. A simple skit that went pretty well.]

BUMPER THREE

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE — CASTING CALL

Abe Vigoda as KUP

• He's old enough to play an 9-million-year-old robot.
• ...wait.
• He is still alive, right?
• Right?

EPISODE TWO: AUTO-BOP

TITLE: AUTO-BOP

WRITTEN BY DAVID WISE

(A large crowd stands on a street, waiting to get into the popular nightclub DANCITRON.)

PHIL: It's an open audition for Jem and the Holograms.

["Jem" was another Hasbro toy with a cartoon in the 1980's. Jem was about a group of female rock stars. Hector Ramiriez also appeared in an episode.]

POP-LOCK: See, man? Everybody wants to get into Dancitron!

ROCKSTEADY: That place has got the best music, the best dance-floor!

RAOUL: Who needs it? Just a bunch of yo-yos all tryin' to out-attitude each other.

DOUG: Let's go to a coffeehouse instead.

[For coffeehouses are filled with pretentios pricks. Another line that got a bigger reaction than expected.]

(Raoul sets down his boombox. Pop-Lock puts down some cardboard. Raoul turns on the music, to which Pop-Lock and Rocksteady start breakdancing)

PHIL: ISN'T THAT "COLD SLITHER", THE HOT SINGLE FROM THE DREADNOK BAND FROM HASBRO'S G.I. JOE CARTOON?

SIPHER: WHAT AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE!

[What we said. There was an episode of the Joe cartoon called "Cold Slither" which featured the Dreadnoks forming a band. The song, "Cold Slither" was played over the radio and TV and featured hypnotics to enslave people to do Cobra's bidding. The song, without vocals, is what we hear playing right now.]

(A punk with a mohawk yanks the cardboard out from under Pop-Lock and Rocksteady.)

MOHAWKED BOUNCER: This is Dancitron's corner! Take a hike!

PHIL: Flashdance: The Animated Series.

["Flashdance" was a 1980's movie about a female steel worker who lives out her dreams as a dancer.]

BOUNCER: The management wants you out!

POP-LOCK: Since when does an overdressed turkey like you work for Dancitron?

(A lot of punks come out of the alleys.)

SIPHER: Oh no, they're gonna DANCE!

POP-LOCK: Heh... unusual hiring policy this club's got.

RAOUL: Time to pull a Michael Jackson!

ALL: NO COMMENT.

[No comment.]

RAOUL: Let's beat it!

(They run, the punks follow)

PUNK NO. 1: Let's get 'em!

PUNK NO. 2: Come on!

PUNK NO. 3: After 'em!

PHIL: They're being attacked by the Mad Gear gang!

[The Mad Gear were the enemies of Mike Haggar and his partners in the Capcom beat 'em up Final Fight. Those kinds of games were a lot of fun. Too bad so few are made anymore.]

RAOUL: I wish this was THE Blaster! He'd show those turkeys!

POP-LOCK: (Pants) Eh, cool it with that jive, man! You know the Autobots like I know Prince!

SIPHER: (Prince) Shut up already! Damn!

[Referring to the singer Prince, formerly known as that goofy symbol or "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince".]

(They graba dumpster on wheels, which rolls down the hill. They pass Tracks, who's sitting in an alley in car mode)

PHIL: (Tracks) Hey kids, first one's fre- darn.

[Again, the general theme of Tracks jokes will be prevelant this entire episode.]

(A laundry chute or whatever pops up from the sidewalk. The dumpster hits it and the trio fall inside. They peek over the edge...)

RAOUL: We're in it now!

(They jump out but are surrounded. Suddenly, Tracks drives up)

SIPHER: (thumping noises as Tracks drives right by the kids)

(Blaster leaps out of Track's window. The punks start firing laser guns at him)

TRACKS: Take 'em, Blaster!

(Blaster fires BACK)

DOUG: KILL ALL HUMANS!

(Tracks transforms, and swings his gun around, melting the pistols of a handful of punks)

ALL: (AGGGH MY HAND improv)

(A punk hurls a chain that wraps around Blaster's gun-arm.)

BLASTER: You are seriously outta your league, brother!

DOUG: I been drinkin' MILK!

[Referring to the commericals that promoted milk as a way to build strong bones and muscles.]

TRACKS: What the deuce—?

(Tracks notices the businessman in the crowd of punks)

TRAKCS: Not your basic gang uniform.

SIPHER: It's called "The Mob", Tracks.

BLASTER: Right on! You boys are about to get shut down!

(Blaster fires his electro-scrambler, causing the guns to short out)

PHIL: So they all get aneurisms now, awesome.

SIPHER: I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD!

PUNK NO. 4: They got us!

PUNK NO. 5: Bug out!

PUNK NO. 6: Run for it!

RAOUL: Yo, man, this ain't even necessary! I had things under control!

TRACKS: If it weren't for me, you'd be fricasseed punk right now.

DOUG: (Homer "drool") MMM. New romantics.

[Homer Simpson from "The Simpsons". "New romantics" being one of the "sub-cultires" of pop-culture at the time.]

RAOUL: Why'd you have to come on like some metal cowboy?

TRACKS: Please keep quiet!

RAOUL: I oughta French fry your circuits! Pop-Lock, Rocksteady, this here's my friend Tracks.

SIPHER: Pop-Lock here is sealed for freshness.

[An allusion to Ziploc bags and how they keep food fresher than unsealed plastic bags. Admittedly, the "fresh" allusion probably WAS the reason he got the nickname.]

BLASTER: Looks like you got yourselves in a jam somehow.

POP-LOCK: Hey, we were just breakin' in front of the Dancitron,

PHIL: Hey, Emilio Estevez wants his hair back.

[Emilio Estevez, one of the "Brat Pack" group of child actors from the early 1980's. Had an 80's hairdo.]

TRACKS: That... gang came from inside the club?

RAOUL: No!

BLASTER: Then who told 'em to bounce you?

TRACKS: And why?

RAOUL: We don't know!

TRACKS: And did you notice that there was a businessman in that crew?

(Flashback to the battle with the Dancitron bouncers, mainly the businessman among them)

PHIL: Why are you flashing back to ten seconds ago?

TRACKS: Listen, we were sent here to monitor Decepticon activity.

BLASTER: And I say it has something to do with all this weirdness.

SIPHER: Weirdness in New York City? NOOOO.

TRACKS: I say we check it out.

RAOUL: Look, if we ever stick our noses near that joint, we'll get 'em broken!

DOUG: Or full of coke.

(Pop-Lock lifts his shirt to reveal a hideous garish pink tee with awful psuedo-"new wave" designs)

POP-LOCK: Besides, if you ain't decked out in the latest fashions, they won't even let ya in!

SIPHER: Closeted much?

BLASTER: If anyone's dressed to excess, it's us!

(Sigil transition)

(Inside the club)

BLASTER: This is the life!

DOUG: Oh GOD, I never wanted to see this era again.

CLOTHES HORSE: I gotta get me one o' those suits!

SIPHER: (Casey Kasem) They do this to me all the time, I don't know what the hell they do it for, but goddammit!

[This is from a set of Casey Kasem outtakes, where he got really frustrated while taping "American Top 40" one weekend. He wasn't happy that they came from an uptempo record into a death dedication, and he lost it. We used the audio for the end credits of MSTF 7, probably the best end credits we've done.]

BLASTER: SIZZLIN' sound system!

(A trio of girls walk up)

BLASTER: Eeeey, what's happenin'?

DISCO GIRL NO. 1: (really stoned-sounding) Wanna dance?

PHIL: (Stoned) I'm so hiiiigh.

BLASTER: Hey... ease off, my man!

(Blaster takes the girl's hand and leads her to the dance floor)

DOUG: (smoove) She's got Iacon Fever.

[A reference to "Jungle Fever", a somewhat crude reference to when white women date black men. There was a Spike Lee movie named that on the subject.]

DISCO GIRL NO. 2: How 'bout it, shiny one?

TRACKS: No thanks.

PHIL: GEE, I wonder why he didn't want to dance with the pretty girl.

TRACKS: Cybertron.

CLOTHES HORSE: Hey! Hey, what's the address??

SIPHER: (Kasem again) I ALSO WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PICTURES I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE THIS WEEK!!

[More of Casey's ranting.]

(Tracks sees a housewife in rollers, among other oddities)

TRACKS: More out of place people!

PHIL: White people at a dance club? Weird.

STARSCREAM: In spite of all my surveillance, two Autobots just waltz into the joint!

(Soundwave's faceplate is miscolored dark gray)

SOUNDWAVE: They must be eliminated.

SIPHER: Jeez, have a SHAVE, man.

(Starscream too)

STARSCREAM: Too risky in here!

DOUG: They're going all Ted Danson on us!

[Ted Danson got a lot of bad, bad publicity when he and Whoopi Goldberg performed a parody of a minstrel show with Danson in full blackface makeup.]

(Sigil transition)

(The three kids are riding the train)

POP-LOCK: 'Eey, he coulda been lyin'...

RAOUL: Let's just hope Tracks and Blaster found something out.

(The head car... the conductor suddenly jerks and makes a weird face)

SIPHER: (Rude fart noise)

(The conductor goes evil and pulls a lever. The train picks up speed, and we see a sign on a big buidling in the shot...)

PHIL: "LOVS ROOM"?! What the hell?

RAOUL: Yo! I-is it me or is this bucket puttin' on speed?

(The train zooms through the station)

ROCKSTEADY: This is a local! It shoulda stopped there!

RAOUL: This train is out of control!

SIPHER: Spider-Man, help us!

DOUG: Don't bring up issue #3.

SIPHER: Sorry.

[In the 2004 movie "Spider-Man 2", Spidey saves a runaway train. Spider-Man also appeared in the Marvel Transformers comics, issue #3, but many years later, the editors said to ignore that issue if you could, as they wanted to distance themselves from mainstream Marvel continuity.]

(The conductor pulls a pipe off the wall and starts bashing the control panel)

PHIL: He's looking for power-ups.

DOUG: There's a single roast turkey in there.

[In many beat 'em up games (see Final Fight, above), which tend to take place in settings like subway cars, health-restoring items can be found by smashing open incongruous barrels and consoles, and usually take the form of giant food.]

ROCKSTEADY: Express, nuts! This train's out of control!

SIPHER: (Making the hand-motions too) CUT. IT. OUT!

["Out of Control" aired on Nickelodeon in the 1980's and featured Dave Coulier. That was his catch phrase.]

(Roul pulls the brake cord, but it snaps in his hands)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

(The subway passengers scream with fear as they try to crawl out the windows)

PHIL: Yeah, it's always best to crawl out the windows of a speeding subway car.

(Blaster and Tracks walk along the streets)

BLASTER: Didn't spot anything unusual.

TRACKS: A disco dolly dancing with a garbage man? A guy off the cover of GQ dancing with a housewife? You don't call that unusual?

DOUG: You'd think Tracks would be more accepting.

BLASTER: Gives the place atmosphere.

(The train zooms by overhead)

TRACKS: Am I dreaming, or was that subway...

SIPHER: DRAMATIC PAUSE.

TRACKS: ... going about a hundred miles an hour too fast?

BLASTER: You're not dreaming!

(Tracks transforms)

TRACKS: Get in!

(Blaster transforms and leaps inside. Tracks drives forward, and shifts to flight mode, landing on the rails behind the train. Tracks fires a grappling claw from his hood, grabbing a railing on the back end of the train.)

PHIL: I didn't even know I HAD this driving claw!

[Referring to the first Armada comic that came with the toys. When Jolt links with Hot Shot in vehicle mode, his front bumper opens to reveal a claw. Hot Shot expressed surprise. You'd think he'd know about something like that.]

(Blaster transforms and walks on the line to grab the train, as they pass another rather adulty sign...)

SIPHER: (Singing) RED RED WINE MAKE ME FEEL SO FINE...

["Red Wine" as sung by UB40]

(Blaster grabs the train. Shot of Tracks still in car mode...)

DOUG: You know, Tracks, you COULD have flown closer to the train...

(Tracks transforms and grabs the train from behind, planting his feet, trying to pull it to a stop. It looks really suggestive)

PHIL: When an Autobot loves a train very much...

SIPHER: WOW.

BLASTER: Aha! The engine!

(Blaster sticks his foot NEAR the engine on the side of the train and it explodes)

DOUG: He didn't even kick it!

SIPHER: It's Amtrak, what do you expect?

[Rail company Amtrak has generally been plagued with problems since... forever.]

(The train slows then stops. Tracks lets go)

PIHL: (Tracks) Got a cigarette?

RAOUL: Hooh! What happened?

BLASTER: You three!

ALL: GET 'EM!

TRACKS: Where's the motorman?

RAOUL: Front car!

(The motorman runs away)

SIPHER: WOOBWOOBWOOBWOOB!

["The Three Stooges"]

(The control panel is smashed and sparking)

TRACKS: Sabotaged!

DOUG: Damn Beastie Boys!

["Sabotage" is an album by the rap group The Beastie Boys.]

(Sigil transition)

TRACKS: This has something to do with that club. I'd stake my circuits on it. See if Teletraan-1 can give us any clues.

BLASTER: I'm on it.

TRACKS: And take these two with you. Raoul, you and I are going to check that club out again—thoroughly this time.

DOUG: Is that a euphamism?

POP-LOCK: Yo, how come he gets to go out clubbin' with the sly car?

RAOUL: Hey. Some guys got the juice, and some ain't.

ALL: EYUUUUUUUW.

(Sigil transition)

TRACKS: Hey! (brakes and turns around) What's that?

RAOUL: So? Ain't you ever seen a building bein' built before?

PHIL: No, they grow naturally on Cybertron!

TRACKS: Raoul, it's one in the morning! Nobody works that late!

DOUG: Clearly you've never worked tech support.

[There were any number of variations on this. Sipher routinely stays up until 4 or 5am.]

(There's a crowd of clearly not construction workers inside)

TRACKS: This is getting stranger by the second! Everywhere I go, I see people who don't fit!

PHIL: Girls should stay at home.

TRACKS: Come on. We're going to get to the bottom of this if I have to take that club apart brick by brick!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Stop them!

(A punk picks up a sledgehammer)

SIPHER: STOP! HAMMERTIME!

[The rap song "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer had that phrase in it.]

(Tracks swings the sliding door to the site closed, but it pelted by red-hot rivets. He looks up...)

PHIL: (Girly scream as Tracks looks up)

(Sigil transition)

POP-LOCK: This is a stone drag, man.

MAN IN SUIT: Hey! You two! Free passes to Dancitron?

DOUG: It's Donny Finkleberg!

[Donny Finkleberg, a/k/a Robot Master, was a character who appeared in early Transformers comics published by Marvel in the 1980's. The man in the suit looks like him.]

ROCKSTEADY: At this time o' night??

MAN IN SUIT: It's an all night party, man.

POP-LOCK: Heheheh, now we'll show Raoul and those metal meatheads that we can take care of business on our own!

SIPHER: It's actually a ticket to the Wonka Factory.

[In Roald Dahl's book "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", the candy maker Willy Wonka holds a contest in which five golden tickets hidden in his candy bars grant the winners access to his factory. It was made into a movie in the 1970's and again in 2005.]

(Sigil transition. The riveting continues. Tracks shields Raoul and they run around the corner.)

TRACKS: That's what I call a RIVETING experience!

RAOUL: I don't know why I hang out with you, man!

ALL: WE DO.

(The crowd of people are running towards them)

RAOUL: Let's eradicate these dudes!

(Tracks grabs Raoul, and seems to crush him into a ball with his hands, since we can't actually see Raoul.)

SIPHER: SQUISH (horrible wet crunching noises)

PHIL: (strangled, muffled death-cry)

TRACKS: No way, we've got to get to Dancitron!

(Tracks stuffs Raoul in his chest compartment then transforms, driving a short distance before transforming to aerial mode)

SIPHER: (muffled) OH GOD IT HURTS...

(Sigil transition)

(Pop-Lock and Rocksteady run to Dancitron. The mohawked bouncer from before leans against a fence...)

MOHAWKED BOUNCER: I've spotted two of 'em. Should I put 'em out of the way?

STARSCREAM: No! I have a use for them!

PHIL: (Starscream) Get the ballerina costumes!

[Another ballerina joke.]

(The two run into the club)

POP-LOCK: All right!

ROCKSTEADY: Check out the floor!

SIPHER: *GREAT* floors!

POP-LOCK: 'Eey, remember we're here to find out what's goin' on.

ROCKSTEADY: Yeah? Well, you're lookin' at a dancin' detective!

(Rocksteady dances up to a couple of VERY anime-looking girls, pulling the dark-haried on onto the dance floor)

PHIL: Hey, Minmei, wanna dance?

[A reference to Linn Minmei from Robotech.]

(Pop-Lock picks the other girl)

DOUG: Hey, Lancer, looking hot tonight.

[And Lance "Lancer" Belmont from same.]

(Shot of the massive speakers)

DOUG: They sure do love playing this *ONE* *SONG*.

(The two stop dancing)

SIPHER: This music eats. Let's go.

TELETRAAN-1: Skyspy reports no unusual transmissions, but ultrasound frequencies could be used to create hypnotic control. Suggest you use your sonic detectors to verify.

BLASTER: I'm on my way back to the club.

PHIL: (Blaster) Good thing I got my hand stamped when I left.

(Sigil transition)

(Tracks flies in)

TRACKS: That oughta ditch 'em!... And here we are. YOU wait here.

RAOUL: No way! I'm comin' with you!

SIPHER: (Crying) I barely SEE you anymore...

TRACKS: ...but something about that club's dangerous!

RAOUL: (Reluctantly) Okay, man.

DOORMAN: Hey, you can't—

(Tracks shoves the fat, balding, long-haired doorman aside)

SIPHER: Meat Loaf, no!

[The doorman looks like the singer Meat Loaf.]

(Inside the club)

TRACKS: What are you two doing here?

POP-LOCK: We found something, man!

DOUG: (Pop-Lock) Jello shots!

(They lead him to the control room)

ROCKSTEADY: Come on!

POP-LOCK: This way!

ROCKSTEADY: Right... here!

TRACKS: You!

(Starscream fires his rifle at Tracks)

SIPHER: (Starscream) MY box seats!

(Tracks rolls and fires, but his shots bounce off the control room doors and windows)

STARSCREAM: There's no escape, Tracks! You'll never get out of this club alive!

SOUNDWAVE: Ready for ultrasound transmission.

PHIL: He's checking if Tracks is pregnant?

(The club-hoppers advance, zombie-like)

ALL: BRAAAAAINS...

TRACKS: Uh oh!

(In the city streets, Blaster runs)

SIPHER: Meanwhile, in Akron, Ohio...

[*ANNOTATION*]

(Tracks climbs up the speaker system as club-hoppers wave their arms)

ALL: BRAINSSSSs... BRRAAAAAINSS...

TRACKS: Nowhere to run!

PHIL: He's trapped in a lethal Sharks-Jets throwdown.

[Referencing the two gangs involved in "West Side Story".]

(Tracks falls off the catwalk and hits the speaker control panel. The speakers start falling off the system, landing on tracks)

SIPHER: Hey, radio just killed the video star!

[A play on the Buggles pop hit "Video Killed the Radio Star", which also was the first music video ever played on MTV.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

(Starscream is watching several monitors with various music-related shots on them)

DOUG: (Starscream) All these MTV channels SUCK.

(Megatron appears on the monitor)

MEGATRON: You have good news, I trust?

PHIL: (Starscream) I just saved a bunch of money by switching to GEICO!

[Geico is a car insurance company that features commercials with a variation of:

PERSON 1: But I have good news! I just saved a bunch of money by switching my auto insurance to Geico!]

STARSCREAM: ... but I have the Autobot Tracks prisoner. He will soon be no more!

(Blaster walks up)

BLASTER: Where's Tracks?

RAOUL: He went in, but he ain't come out!

ALL: AH-*HUH*.

RAOUL: Yo, man! That dude's my friend!

BLASTER: Listen, youngblood.

PHIL: Liefeld sucks.

[Rob Liefeld created "Youngblood" for Image Comics in 1991. He's also widely regarded as a low-talent hack.]

RAOUL: Foo on this jive!

SIPHER: Did he just get Allspark swear-filtered?

[allspark.com is a Transformers discussion board. To prevent more profane words from appearing online, a filter changes them into safe words. The S-word turns into "jive", the F-word turns into "hug".]

(Blaster's chest-panel opens up, and he checks some readouts on it.)

BLASTER: The ultrasound's coming from... that way!

(Raoul runs to the bar)

DOUG: I need a mixed drink NOW!

(Pop-Lock and Rocksteady walk up)

RAOUL: Yo! You dudes seen Tracks?

POP-LOCK: Yeah! This way!

RAOUL: How'd you dudes... get in here... anyway?

(Flashback to Blaster as he enters Dancitron.)

BLASTER: Listen, youngblood.

DOUG: STOP FLASHBACKING TO THREE SECONDS AGO!!!

(Raoul stuffs napkins in his ears)

PHIL: Man, am I waxy.

(Raoul runs, and his friends chase. They pass a rather foxy girl in what appears to be a swimsuit)

SIPHER: Heybabyhotstuffcatchyalater!

RAOUL: Tracks!

(Tracks is strapped to the giant speaker system all crucifix-like)

SIPHER: Passion of the Chrystler?

DOUG: He's a Chevy.

SIPHER: Nevermind, then.

["The Passion of the Christ" was a movie made by Mel Gibson in 2004 that depicts the final hours of Jesus' life before the Crucifixion. It opened to much controversy.]

TRACKS: The music! Shaking me... apart!

RAOUL: I'm comin', man!

(Raoul climbs up to try and break the chains)

PHIL: Big band music was really popular in 80's nightclubs.

(The dancing crowd does the zombie routine again)

ALL: (Zombies) DIIIISCO... DIIISCO...

(Blaster climbs the steps to the control booth. Starscream is waiting just inside the door, his wing clearly visible from Blaster's vantage point when he opens the doors.)

SIPHER: Hey, Starscream.

BLASTER: Soundwave! You're the one who's been putting out the ultrasound!

SOUNDWAVE: Correct. My accomplice is behind you.

(Starscream steps behind Blaster and fires, but Blaster dodges...)

DOUG: (Soundwave) OW.

(Blaster tackles Starscream. The two fly down the stairs to the control room. The crowd drags Raoul down, and his friend grab the napkins from his ears...)

PHIL: I can't move my arms!

RAOUL: No, man!

(Raoul reaches up to cover his ears)

PHIL: Now I can!

(Pop-Lock and Rocksteady hold Raoul down. He struggles...)

SIPHER: MUST FIGHT... THE CHARLESTON!

[The Charleston is a type of dance that was popular in the early 20th century.]

(Raoul breaks free from his friends and runs over to a bucket of water. He gets on his knees, puts his hands in the water, and splashes some on his face.)

SIPHER: Eyuw, imagine what's IN that water.

ALL: (sounds of revulsion and puking)

(Raoul grabs the bucket and throws the water at his friends.)

ALL: (More grossed-out noises)

ROCKSTEADY: Hey, man? W-what happened?

RAOUL: Water! It breaks the hypnotic spell! Stuff those in your ears and save Tracks!

DOUG: Oh, like nobody gets a drink thrown in their face at this club.

(Starscream knocks Blaster on his back, and lunges)

SIPHER: (Starscream) BILLY! Are you allright?

(Blaster punches Starscream)

DOUG: Not really. Find the Power Pack!

[In the Japanese Headmasters series, Blaster was called Billy in the horrible English dub. In the episode called "The Mystery of Planet Master", after Blaster and Soundwave's big fight, this exchange takes place between a dying Blaster and Hot Rod.]

(Raoul jumps up into the scaffolding and turns on the fire sprinklers. The sprinkler system starts up, and the club-hoppers are all freed from the spell. Starscream picks himself up from the rubble.)

STARSCREAM: What??

PHIL: (Starscream) Damn you, OSHA!

[The Occupational Safety and Health Administration is a government agency designed to keep workers safe.]

(Sigil transition)

(The trio run up to Tracks)

SIPHER: That was a pointless transition.

POP-LOCK: All right!

(They climb up on each other's shoulders. Raoul is now at the top of the human ladder, and pulls ouw a switch-screwdriver. Seriously.)

DOUG: A switch-SCREWDRIVER. Ahuh.

(Tracks pulls the chains off him and gets down)

TRACKS: That's a relief!

(Tracks notices Starscream running and fires. The blasts, miss, and Starscream dives for the window. Shot from outside with a bizarre animation screwup involving the background through the window that defies description.)

ALL: (General cries of confusion)

(Tracks transforms)

TRACKS: Get in!

PHIL: I feel like endangering you all!

(Tracks' front grill opens up to reveal a blaster.)

SIPHER: I didn't even know I HAD this driving gun!

[See above about Hot Shot and his driving claw.]

(Tracks chases Starscream by going to aerial mode. Meanwhile, Soundwave transforms to robot mode and busts through the sontrol room window.)

DOUG: (Soundwave) MITCHELLLLLL.

[A reference to the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episode "Mitchell", in which they sent up the pilot movie for a proposed TV series. In it, the hefty Joe Don Baker played the title role of a rather sloppy police detective. The prhase "Mitchell!" was shouted during almost every action sequence.]

BLASTER: Heh! I've been waiting a long time for this—you poor excuse for a sound system!

SOUNDWAVE: All talk, no shock.

SIPHER: It's XTC versus Adam Ant, TO THE DEATH!

[" XTC versus Adam Ant" being the title of a They Might Be Giants song.]

(Blaster lifts his leg, and the sound waves from his speaker knock Soundwave into the wall. Soundwave gets up.)

PHIL: (Soundwave) Your momma was an 8-track.

[An 8-track tape was a unique cassette that had, yes, 8 different songs on it. Very 1970's and very outdated.]

(Soundwave fires sound waves from his head, knocking Blaster off-screen.)

(Sigil transition)

RAOUL: We're losin' 'im, man!

TRACKS: I know!

RAOUL: So how come we're headin' up?

TRACKS: Cloud seeding!

PHIL: Because I have that power now!

(Lightning crashes and rain starts pouring down.)

DOUG: Cowboy Bebop did it better.

[*ANNOTATION*]

(The housewife at the construction site drops her wrench)

SIPHER: (Monty Python old lady) Oooh, HELLO Mrs. Non-Gorilla!

[The cast of Monty Python regularly did sketches as little old women with bizarre names. Mrs. Non-Gorilla is from the "Piston engine" sketch.]

(Soundwave raises his arms and unleashes sonic waves that knock Blaster across the room.)

PHIL: That's just underarm odor.

(Soundwave fires again, knocking Blaster into the speaker system)

BLASTER: Uh... I need some extra punch...

SIPHER: (Hawaiian Punch guy) SURE!

[Referencing the old commercials for the Hawaiian Punch drink. Punchy, the mascot, would ask the hapless tourist guy, "How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?" The hapless tourist would reply "Sure!" and promptly get socked in the kisser.]

BLASTER: ... and here's the punch I need!

(He puts the speakers on his arms, stands and lets loose. Soundwave flies backwards. The ceiling cracks and the walls start to come down.)

PHIL: The damage Blaster's amplified New Wave is doing to Dancitron is actually nothing compared to the damage it did to popular music.

(Blaster walks forward, but the way he's animated he just floats evenly forward)

BLASTER: I'd say your nightclub just went out of style!

DOUG: He's HOVERING!

(Soundwave flies off.)

SIPHER: (Soundwave) Mommy.

(Sigil transition)

(Tracks flies past the half-built building, and Starscream flies out of it.)

DOUG: "True Lies" this ain't.

[The Arnold Schwarzeneggar movie "True Lives" had a jet fly by office buildings in the climactic final scenes.]

TRACKS: See? I knew he was here! He's bigger than me... but is he more agile?

PHIL: F-15 vs winged Corvette. I'm guessing YES.

(Tracks flies into the half-finished building. Shot from inside, as Tracks flies towards the exit)

SIPHER: ALMOST THERRRRE...

[In "Star Wars", the first X-Wing pilot to make it into the Death Star trench says this as he closes in on the thermal exhaust port.]

(Tracks flies out. Starscream does too, but his wing hits the side and starts flaming)

PHIL: Exploding girders?

(Starscream transforms to robot mode)

DOUG: (Starscream) Mommy!

(Sigil transition)

(Blaster meets the others in front of the building)

TRACKS: Blaster! Ready to do some demolition?

BLASTER: (raising his new speaker-hands) I've been demolishin' all night, and I've got the right tools for the job!

SIPHER: Because I can't get these off my arms.

(Blaster fires soundwaves at the bulding, which begins to crumble)

DOUG: So what the hell was that building for?

(Tracks shoots the building)

SIPHER: THANK YOU, I was DOING IT. Jeez.

(Shot of the ruins)

PHIL: Aw, CRAP, it was an ice cream factory!

RAOUL: Running off again, huh? You only come around when you need my help!

TRACKS: (Chuckles) Well, seriously, Raoul, you guys saved my life.

DOUG: But don't call me again, okay?

POP-LOCK: As a matter of fact...

ROCKSTEADY: (holding up his finger) Yeah!

PHIL: (Rocksteady) Pull my finger!

BLASTER: Uh oh...

RAOUL: I mean, here we are, riskin' our tails to help you dudes fight against the forces of evil...

POP-LOCK: ...and now we ain't got no means of livelihood!

SIPHER: I hear the Colonel's hiring.

[*ANNOTATION*]

ROCKSTEADY: I mean our blaster, man! We lost it in all this craziness!

BLASTER: Oh no... oh no!

RAOUL: Oh yes!

SIPHER: (Kool-Aid Man) OH YEAH!

[The old Kool-Aid commercials featured kids yelling for Kool-Aid Man, and he'd burst through the wall yelling, "Oh, yeah!".]

(Back on the street, there is breakdancing going on. Long-shot of the scene, where tracks is on one knees, snapping his fingers)

DOUG: Is Tracks shooting craps?

TRACKS: Cheer up, Blaster! (Tracks holds up a plate of money)

PHIL: I never knew street breakdancing was so lucrative.

BLASTER: I don't know if I can hold out that long!

TRACKS: (snapping his fingers way too fast) Hey, relax!

SIPHER: Nice rhythm, Honkytron.

RAOUL: And we got the juice!

ALL: EYUUUUUUUUUUW!

(Pause tape, house lights up)

BUMPER FOUR

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE — CASTING CALL

Sophie Marceau as STARSCREAM

• Because, see, he was dubbed as a woman in France. Or at least that's what everyone says.
• Frankly, we don't do a lot of research for these bumpers.
• Anyway, we don't know if you've ever seen "Road House" but a frankly a FRENCH WOMAN is a lot hotter than Chris Latta.
• Starscream never shaves his pits, either

SKIT THREE: THE ALPAHBET OF CYBERTRON

(Music! Singing!)

Abominus, Botanica, Cicadacon, Demolishor
Evac, Flak, Grand Maximus
Hooligan, Iceberg, Jetfire and Kirk
Leader-1 and Magnificus
Nightbeat, Octane, Powertrain
Quantum, Rhinox, Sinnertwin
Tap-Out, Unicron, Vanishing
Wrench, X-Gunner
Yokuryu, Zoom-Zoom!

Alpha Trion, Barbearian, Cloudraker
Antagony, Bludgeon, Chro
Autoceptor, Brisko, Checkpoint, Deftwing, Electro
Fixit, Gatoraider!

Abominus, Botanica, Cicadacon, Demolishor
Evac, Flak, Grand Maximus
Hooligan, Iceberg, Jetfire and Kirk
Leader-1 and Magnificus
Nightbeat, Octane, Powertrain
Quantum, Rhinox, Sinnertwin
Tap-Out, Unicron, Vanishing
Wrench, X-Gunner
Yokuryu, Zoom-Zoooooooooooooooooooooom!!!

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!

[house lights down, unpause tape]

[Oy. Didn't go nearly as well as hoped. The audience probably didn't know the original song, so unfamiliarity didn't help. Plus, as found out during a quick pre-show rehearsal (yes, a rehearsal), Doug and Sipher had practiced different keys. Thankfully, there was no clashing of vocals during the performance. Phil said he wasn't going to sing at all, since the rehearsal was kinda crappy, but during the performance, he joined in for the bridge and final chorus, as it appeared we were all in tune.

Well, as much as three non-vocalists can be.

Sadly, there was virtually no response from the audience. Maybe we should've brought up the lights, but that might have just added to the pain.

Incidentally, Phil didn't catch Demolishor being misspelled as "Demolisor" when creating the accompanying video. Only during the rehearsal did Doug point it out. Oops.]

BUMPER FIVE

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE — CASTING CALL

Adam Sandler as SKYWARP

• Skywarp is an unfunny moron who seems to be everywhere.
• 'Nuff said.

EPISODE THREE: THE KILLING JAR

(On-screen title: THE KILLING JAR)

SIPHER: With a name like Smucker's, you know it's deadly.

(Cybertron. Ultra Magnus is looking through a large telescope.)

ULTRA MAGNUS: The stars seem so peaceful from a distance, but up close...

DOUG: GOD, they're ugly.

(Shot of a badly-rendered orbiting Unicron head. A Quintesson ship hovers nearby, then a shot from the inside, where Inquiraita and a Quint guard watch Magnus on a monitor.)

INQUIRATA: An excellent specimen, this Autobot known as Ultra Magnus. We designed them well. Maybe too well. Commence the ship's mirage sequence.

(The Quint guard hits a button on the panel; an incredibly frowny-faced Magnus is on the monitor.)

PHIL: Awww. Magnus wooks soo saaaad.

(The Quint ship glows then looks like Sky Lynx in shuttle form.)

INQUIRATA: Now, take us to him.

(Not-Sky-Lynx lands on Cybertron.)

DOUG: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.

[A reference to PA announcements made at an airport and a gag in the Airplane! movies]

SKY LYNX HOLOGRAM: Rodimus Prime wants you to report to the EDC command center.

MAGNUS: Is it an emergency?

SKY LYNX: It MUST be important or they would not have wasted MY precious time. Get on board!

SIPHER: NOW YOU PRICK!!

(The hologram blasts off)

INQUIRATA: End ship's mirage sequence.

(Changes!)

INQUIRATA: The specimen is now secure.

(Close-up of Iniquirata, whose lips do not move as he talks)

INQUIRATA: We shall test his reaction to betrayal.

PHIL: The guard is also drinking a glass of water.

[A common trick a ventriloquist performed was drinking a glass of water while the dummy talked.]

INQUIRATA: Trigger the Rodimus Prime illusion.

MAGNUS: Hey, Sky Lynx, who's your new interior decorator?

RODIMUS PRIME: Sky Lynx is not here.

PHIL: (Stoned) Dave's not here, man.

MAGNUS: Rodimus! What do you mean Sky Lynx is—

(Fake Rodimus picks up Magnus and hurls him across the cell)

INQUIRATA: The Autobot specimen will defend himself, but he will try to avoid harming his leader unless his own survival is threatened.

SIPHER: The words are just BOUNCING off the guard's skull.

MAGNUS: Rodimus! Listen! I don't wanna hurt you, but I'm not taking any more of this!

(He hurls Rodimus against the wall)

QUINTESSON GUARD: How did you know what he would do?

DOUG: This show's predictable, what can I say.

INQUIRATA: They always react according to their individual programming. This Ultra Magnus is a soldier first and foremost.

PHIL: And secondly, a ballerina.

[What is it with ballerinas?]

(Fake Roddy vanishes)

MAGNUS: An illusion!

(One wall fades to reveal glowing the energy bars of a cell door)

MAGNUS: All right, you've got it to the count of one to open these bars!

DOUG: 'Cuz that's as far as I can count!

(Magnus firs a rocket, which bounces harmelessly off the energy bars.)

SIPHER: Note to self: put EXPLOSIVES in my rockets.

INQUIRATA: The Autobot has discovered that his weapons are useless on board this ship. Take us to Chaar. Our next specimen awaits.

(On Chaar, Cyclonus in starship mode is chasing a drone thing)

SIPHER: (makes siren noises)

CYCLONUS: Ready, aim... FIRE!

(Cyclonus fires, destroying the drone. He lands and transforms)

PHIL: TRANSFORM!

CYCLONUS: Hahahahahahah!

DOUG: LAUGH!

[Referencing the later Transformers series where characters always shouted "TRANSFORM!" when transforming. So, when Cyclonus laughs, obviously he should shout "LAUGH!"]

(Cyclonus does NOT STOP his laughing-shaking animation through the entire line)

CYCLONUS: A good workout, but it doesn't compare to combat...

PHIL: Yeesh, but back on the expresso, buddy.

SIPHER: He's Cornholio!

["Beavis and Butthead" — Beavis turned into his alter-ego "The Great Cornholio" after a sugar binge.]

BROADSIDE: (vo) Cyclonus!

(Broadside, who is an AUTOBOT, lands nearby in jet mode)

BROADSIDE: Galvatron wants to talk to you! Climb aboard!

DOUG: Okay, Autobot I instantly trust!

GALVATRON: (vo) Welcome, Cyclonus!

(Broadside lifts off, changes back to the Quint ship, and they fly away)

INQUIRATA: This Cyclonus is very similar in programming to Ultra Magnus.

PHIL: (Inquirata) A dumbass.

(Cyc is attacked by an illusion of Galvatron)

CYCLONUS: Galvatron! Why do you attack me, your most loyal soldier?

SIPHER: Because he's GALVATRON, you putz! You're not USED to this by now?

[Galvatron always abused Cyclonus in the series.]

(Cyc gets Galvatron in a headlock, and Galvy vanishes)

CYCLONUS: There's something very wrong here!

DOUG: (Cyclonus) Usually he kicks my butt and I just simper and take it!

CYCLONUS: I will vanquish whoever is behind this outrage!

(Cyclonus uses "fist lasers" to shoot at the door)

PHIL: (Cyclonus) It was THE DOOR! DIE, DOOR!

INQUIRATA: One is good and one is evil, but to me, that is no difference at all.

DOUG: So why'd you bring it up?

(On the planet Junk, Wreck-gar is wathcing a horrible clown on TV)

LOBO THE CLOWN: (On TV) So remember what Lobo the Clown said, boys and girls!

PHIL: (Lobo) I'm gonna kick Superman's ass!

[Lobo is a bounty hunter in DC Comics; he's the biggest bastich in the universe. Incidentally, Sipher said this line since Phil felt he wouldn't do a good Lobo voice.]

WRECK-GAR: Now remember, boys and girls! Best day to get your way is be good, say hey-hey!

(A large junky ship lands immedaitely behind Wreck-Gar)

LOBO: And now, kids, it's time for a word from our sponsor, who's come all the way from the planet Junkion!

WRECK-GAR: Smile. No candid camera insta-clicks me!

(Wreck-Gar's nouth doesn't move throughout this line)

SIPHER: Are a LOT of Transformers ventriloquists?

(The door opens and it's Lobo the Clown!)

LOBO: Come inside, Wreck-Gar, and say hello to the studio audience!

SIPHER: (hideous demon-painting voice) COME ON IN HEEEEERE.

(The ship blasts off)

PHIL: The lesson? NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITH A CLOWN.

INQUIRATA: Take a Junkion out of the most cluttered environment in the galaxy, then place him in a completely bare cell. He should be shocked into total inactivity by the change.

(Wreck-Gar begins tearing panels off the walls, wrecking the cell. Reaction shot of Inquirata)

DOUG: Oh, he's a member of the Wu-Tang Clan.

[Back in BotCon 1997, the hotel was home to not only convention goers but to people attending a Wu-Tang Clan concert. The morning after the concert, the entire sixth floor was completely trashed, thanks to said concert-goers.

This also was one of the funniest adlibs in MSTF history. At the first MSTF, also at BotCon 1997, Sipher adlibbed this exchange for the movie:

HOT ROD: We've got to get a new travel agent.

(Shot of dilapidated jail cell)

SIPHER: Looks like the sixth floor of the Sheraton Four Points....

So, this is a reference back to that joke.]

WRECK-GAR: Home, sweet home.

SIPHER: (Singing) Alabama! (does a little of the guitar riff)

["Sweet Home Alabama" by Leonyrd Skynyrd.]

INQUIRATA: Remarkable...

(And orbting EDC space station)

MARISSA FAIREBORN: EDC shuttle, identify yourself.

PHIL: I'm Batman.

(There is laughter and high fives)

PHIL: Had to do it.

[A #wiigii! in-joke and also referring to our constant "I'm Batman" joke from MSTF 7 in 2004.]

(The shuttle pulls into the landing bay. And aged Flint exits)

SIPHER: (cheezy delivery) WHY, IT IS DASHEILL "FLINT" FAIRBORNE, FROM THE VERY POPULAR "G.I. JOE" BRAND OF ACTION FIGURES FROM HASBRO!

[Like he said. Marissa is Flint's daughter, and while he's not named as such ever on screen, it's the same voice actor, so it's obviously Flint.]

(During this time, Marissa has run into the shuttle to greet daddy, but the door closes behind her)

MARISSA: What is going on here?

(The shuttle lifts off, becomes the Quint shuttle INSIDE THE BAY and rockets away.)

DOUG: EDC secutiry sucks.

INQUIRATA: Humans are disgusting creatures, but worthy of study, if just to find a better way of destroying them. Begin the experiment.

SIPHER: If it involves tentacles, I'm outta here.

[Please don't ask if you don't know.]

MARISSA: Dad... where are we going? I... what's wrong? Why don't you answer me??

(Flint becomes a creature with the Quintessons Face of Death on his noggin)

FLINT: Marissa, don't be afraid. I'm still your father!

DOUG: (Vader) Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

["Star Wars - Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back"]

(Marissa kicks his ass)

MARISSA: I don't know WHO you are, but you're NOT my father!

(Not-Flint vanishes)

INQUIRATA: Heh heh. Violence is always the humans' way of solving problems.

PHIL: Hey, it's worked great for us so far!

(A badly-flubbed scene where the cell door bcomes a wall with energy bars, rather than a wall becoming a cell door with energy bars)

MARISSA FAIREBORN: Oh, great. Either or I'm in a zoo or worse, a jail.

SIPHER: (Southern warden) Any prisoners caught using cigarettes as currency will be put in the Box.

MAGNUS: Marissa, are you all right?

MARISSA: That depends on how you define all right.

(Cyclonus takes a grab for the bars and is zapped)

CYCLONUS: Aaaaaaahhh!!

DOUG: Try putting a penny in the outlet next.

[Don't try that at home, kids.]

(Inquirata and the guard step into the cell block)

INQUIRATA: Greetings, specimens. (To the Quintesson guard) They are much smaller than they appeared to be on the monitor.

SIPHER: That's what happens when you hire a cheap Korean studio to do the animation.

[The animation quality in season 3, with a few exceptions, was noticeably worse than the previous seasons of Transformers.]

MARISSA: Kidnapping and experimentation on sentient beings are CRIMES! I am an officer in the EDC and—

INQUIRATA: You are an INSECT to be studied and then disposed of when you are no more use to me!

DOUG: (Inquirata) AND you are the wind beneath my wings!

["Wind Beneath my Wings" as sung by Bette Middler in the late 80's.]

INQUIRATA: Guard, activate the cell's submission device. I will examine the human first.

PHIL: Oh, god, there IS going to be tentacles!

SIPHER: AAAAGH.

(Marissa drops as a blue beam of light hits her)

MAGNUS: Marissa! Marissa!

DOUG: Move over a little, I can't see!

SIPHER: EEEUUUGH.

DOUG: Sorry.

(Wreck-Gar launches his fist through the bars, hitting a panel on the wall.)

INQUIRATA: The Junkion has shorted out the submission device!

MARISSA: Now that I can move again, how about me experimenting on you?!

ALL: (Hedley Lamarr) KINKY!

(Marissa knocks Inquirata in to the guard, he kind of stands there, then smoke comes out of the sides of his head.)

PHIL: Worst. Guard. EVER.

[A riff on Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons"]

INQUIRATA: Guh-guard! Transform into alternate mode and destroy the human!

MAGNUS: Better hurry! That Quintesson guard is getting uglier by the second!

DOUG: The animation level is divebombing!

MAGNUS: Marissa, he's coming up behind you!

(Suddenly, electricity shoots throughout the ship. Marissa strikes a very odd pose)

MARISSA: Erhh! I didn't hit it THAT hard!

PHIL: I'm just a girl! Tee hee!

(Electricity shoots everywhere. Inquirata is picked up by a tornado, for reasons unknown)

DOUG: AUNTY EM AUNTY EM!!

["The Wizard of Oz" book and movie.]

CYCLONUS: (strained) Is this another Quintesson experiment??

SIPHER: "Quintesson ex-sploo men"? Can anyone make out a word he's SAYING?

MAGNUS: It's an electron storm! I'm losing control of my mechanisms!

SIPHER: (Horrible farty noise)

MAGNUS: It'll tear us and this ship apart!

(The ship rockets out of control)

ALL: (singing) THE MINNOW WOULD BE LOST.

[The theme to the 60's TV show "Gilligan's Island", of course.]

(commercial)

(We're back! The guard and Inquirata are being tossed around)

ALL: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

INQUIRATA: You clumsy empty-headed construct!

DOUG: (Mumm-Ra Megatron) YOU BLUNDERING TAPE-FILLED IDIOT!

[Once again referencing "When Continents Collide", the horrific See-n-Read video that the MSTF crew bravely viewed for MSTF 6 in 2003. It's horrid. Horrid, horrid, horrid.]

WRECK-GAR: We've gotta get out of this place!

INQUIRATA: Hurry! To the control room!

(The guard transforms and runs after Inquirata)

MAGNUS: My circuits can't take much more of this!

MARISSA: What do we do now?!

MAGNUS: Try the control panel on my cell again!

SIPHER: I've got Rodimus on speed dial!

[Cell phone, get it?]

INQUIRATA: We must steer this ship through the lulls of this electron storm or we will be torn to pieces! Steer for that empty area on the right!

(The guard grabs a joystick and immediately turns it left, smashing the ship into the brown clouds.)

DOUG: Check it out, the animation cel numbers are at the bottom!

SIPHER: Steer towards B3, fast!

INQUIRATA: I said right, not left! Another mistake and you will be scrapped!

(The ship flies out of the brown clouds which looks like a landscape at this angle)

PHIL: We've escaped from the Land of Dairy Queen!

[In the 80's, the commercials for Dairy Queen restaurants featured what looked like giant sundaes, ice cream cones, and blizzards surrounded by huge chocolate mountains. The tag line was "In the Land of Dairy Queen, we treat you right!"]

MARISSA: I can't get you out of there!

MAGNUS: Stand back! (Magnus grips the bars) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

DOUG: Boom.

[From the Radio Free Cybertron reading of Deathasauras's "Ravage Three Bodies Evolution Fanfic".]

CYCLONUS: (really goofy delivery) The Autobot short-circuited the electron bars!

SIPHER: (same goofy delivery) Surely the turtle Gamera cannot be far behind!

[The "Godzilla" movies.]

MARISSA: Magnus, are you all right??

MAGNUS: Just a few novas interfering with my optical readings, but... other than that...

CYCLONUS: (more goofy delivery) It seems our bad weather has passed!

DOUG: (same delivery) It seems I am channeling Yoda!

[From five of the six "Star Wars" movies.]

MAGNUS: But not our troubles.

(Back in the control room)

INQUIRATA: I may have been hasty in my assessment of your piloting skills.

PHIL: (Inquirata) Give me a kiss.

(They walk through the door, and Wreck-Gar takes a swing with his axe, which the guard blocks)

GUARD: Guhh! You die now, Junkion!

INQUIRATA: The other specimens have escaped!

(Inquirata hovers away, but Marissa leaps onto his large head)

SIPHER: Somthing kinda Freudian about this scene.

(Magnus and Cyclonus square off)

MAGNUS: It is my duty to take this ship back to Cybertron.

DOUG: (smoooove) It is my duty to take that booty.

MAGNUS: Just so we understand each other.

(They do some bad fighting)

SIPHER: Quit stage-fighting and start HITTING each other.

CYCLONUS: It has been too long since I had an opponent that was worthy of my FULL attention.

(Wreck-gar blocks a spear-thrust from the guard)

WRECK-GAR: Sorry, shield is in good hands!

PHIL: Nick Fury?

[S.H.I.E.L.D., the secret government force in Marvel Comics.]

(The guard swings and knocks' Wreck-Gar's arm off at the shoulder)

SIPHER: It's Xevoz!

[Xevoz was a Hasbro line of action figures that had interchangeable parts. Those who bought them really loved them, but sadly not enough people bought them.]

WRECK-GAR: But, arm has fallen out of 90-day money-back guarantee. Hurry, hurry, sale is for a limited time!

(Wreck-Gar flings his shield)

ALL: (Singing) When Captain America throws his mighty SHIELD!

[The theme song to a 1960's "cartoon" featuring Cap. We say "cartoon" because the animation was really limited and horrible.]

(Marissa picks herself up)

MARISSA: Ohh... uhh... now to plot a course back home.

INQUIRATA: It may be too late!

DOUG: Your home was destroyed to make way for a new hyperspace bypass!

[Douglas Adams' "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."]

MARISSA: This is just not my day!

(Marissa runs to the cell block)

MARISSA: Stop it! All of you, stop fighting!

PHIL: WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

CYCLONUS: This better be good.

(They head to the bridge, looking at a vortex where pink... things fall into it.)

SIPHER: It's the digestive system. EYUW.

CYCLONUS: Yes, it is. A black hole.

INQUIRATA: A black hole is-

SIPHER: -like a diharrhea inside you. Waitaminit...

INQUIRATA: becoming so dense that neither matter nor light can escape its immense gravity.

GUARD: Reverse thrust. No change in position.

DOUG: Quit reading the Kama Sutra and HELP us.

GUARD: Engines keeping us in same place, but barely. Distress signal; call for help.

MARISSA: Wait a minute. Where's our host?

PHIL: He left because this IS INCREDIBLY BORING! MAN, what a talkathon!

GUARD: Aft section!

MAGNUS: Aft section?

GUARD: Aft section! In back! Escape pods!

DOUG: NOW, putz!

(The aft section...)

MAGNUS: This doesn't look good.

GUARD: Electron storm must have broke escape pods.

MARISSA: This is unbelievable! Eight more dead ends!

SIPHER: I HATE these blind-packed Mini-Con assortments!

(Inquirata is standing by an empty tunnel)

INQUIRATA: Stay back! There is only room for one in this escape pod,

SIPHER: WHAT esca-

(The shot changes, and suddenly, there's an escape pod there!)

ALL: (react with loud shock and horror)

(Everyone runs towards Inquirata)

WRECK-GAR: No getaway cruise for you!

INQUIRATA: Stop, guard!

(The guard stops and once again starts steaming)

MARISSA: The Quintesson guard can't override his programming! He's letting the Quintesson scientist get away!

PHIL: Let's stand around and discuss this interesting new development at length!

(The pod cockpit closes. Magnus runs up and SMASHES the canopy, yanking Inquirata out by his oversized head.)

SIPHER: (head-crusher) I'm CRUSHING YOUR HEAD.

(Magnus throws Inquirata to the ground)

INQUIRATA: I have activated the escape pod!

DOUG: I have activated the null ray!

MAGNUS: Marissa, get up here! You're going home!

PHIL: Quick, into the depressurized pod!

CYCLONUS: *I* am boarding that escape pod and will destroy anyone who gets in my way!

DOUG: Cyc... ONE, you're bigger than that pod. TWO, you're a SPACE SHIP.

MARISSA: You know, of course, that I can take care of myself.

(Marissa runs, using the guard as a step-stool, and Magnus picks her up to lift her to the pod)

MARISSA: But thanks, anyway!

(The guard, who has apparently fallen over, wakes up and grabs Marissa by the leg)

SIPHER: SSSHHHHHHHRRRRIPP!!

(The pod blasts off)

SIPHER: (little gremliny voice) Screw you guys, I'm outta here! Heeheehee! THE ESCAPE POD IS FREEEEEE!

(Magnus is sucked out the pod bay and into space)

(Close up of a hideously-rendered, demonic-looking Marissa)

ALL: (react with shrieks of horror and recoiling)

(Commercial break)

MARISSA: Ultra Magnus is gone,

DOUG: (Galvatron) And the Matrix, with him!

WRECK-GAR: Hold on, sports fans! Ultra Magnus will be back after station identification. Look!

(Shot of Magnus floating in space)

MARISSA: He's right! Ultra Magnus is still out there!

SIPHER: Strangely unaffected by gravity!

PHIL: I can't deal with floating in space like this.

[A dual reference. First, it riffs on Magnus' line in the movie "I can't DEAL with that now!" when he learns about Hot Rod and Kup's shuttle crashing. Second, it's a reference to Deathasauraus' fanfic "Ravage Three Bodies Evolution", in which Ravage asks, "why am I floating in space like this".]

(A pink energy beam hits Magnus, and he's pulled back into the ship. It turns out it's Cyclonus who fired the tractor beam.)

MAGNUS: Cyclonus! You saved me? But why?

DOUG: Wreck-Gar bet me five I couldn't do it.

INQUIRATA: You fools! The escape pod has been launched with no one aboard!

SIPHER: As previously seen!

MAGNUS: We wouldn't BE in this situation at all—

CYCLONUS: —if YOU had not captured us.

MAGNUS: Cyclonus, I can finish my own thoughts. I don't need you to do it for me!

CYCLONUS: Maybe the thought was not yours to begin with, Ultra Magnus!

SIPHER: The thought was on MY side of the spaceship.

MARISSA: Maybe we should go after him.

(The lights on the ship flash)

ALL: (Perform the "Strong Bad Techo")

[From http://www.homestarrunner.com/]

MARISSA: NOW what? Or shouldn't I ask?

GUARD: Incoming transmission. Radio message; mail call.

MAGNUS: Where's the transmission coming from?

DOUG: What's the frequency, Kenneth?

[Back in the 1980's, CBS reporter Dan Rather was attacked by some guy who shouted that question. In turn, that inspired a song by REM.]

INQUIRATA: Somewhere behind us, and it is on the same frequency as our own distress signal.

MAGNUS: But who is sending it?

PHIL: Anyone know a "Janeway"?

[Captain Janeway from "Star Trek: Voyager", whose claim to fame is getting lost for 7 years. She got a promotion to Admiral because of it, too. Go fig.]

INQUIRATA: Look, that is why the transmission is on the same frequency as ours!

(A shiny blue "spaceship" silhouette slides into the viewscreen and stops suddenly)

SIPHER: (Makes motor then braking noise as the ship stops)

CYCLONUS: You are wrong! Only Decepticons would travel this far.

MAGNUS: To MY visual receptors, it looks more like an Autobot cruiser than a Decepticon junk.

DOUG: Man, these guys jump to conclusions faster than people on the Don Murphy boards.

[Don Murphy set up webboards for people to comment on various projects. And like most webboards, the lowest common denominator of people always show up and just post opinions without reading or caring.]

MARISSA: It's a derelict ship! There's no crew!

SIPHER: Man, she's psychic or something.

INQUIRATA: The signal must be automatic, merely repeating a distress call.

MARISSA: Just like our distress signal.

CYCLONUS: And just like ours, no one else has heard it.

GUARD: I've gone from rear view to forward view.

ALL: FORWARD VIEW. FOORRRRWARRRD VIEW! FOOOORRRRRWAAAARRRRRD VIIEEEWWWW!! FOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD VIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!

[MST3K The Movie. When one of the characters in the film say their switching to "normal view" the crew repeat Normal View as seen above]

(The derelict falls into the black hole)

CYCLONUS: How long before the derelict's fate becomes ours?

INQUIRATA: As long as our ship's engines are functional, we have enough power to maintain our position above the black hole for a while longer.

MAGNUS: Yes, but how long is a while longer?

PHIL: About two minutes ago.

(An engine explodes, and everyone goes flying backwards.)

ALL: WHEEEE!

MAGNUS: I guess that answers my question!

CYCLONUS: There seems to be nothing left but to be... witness to our own destruction!

SIPHER: (singing) WITNESSES OF DESTRUCTIOOON...

(Phil and Doug groan and hit him)

[A play on "Instruments of Destruction" from the animated "Transformers: The Movie".]

(The ship falls into the black hole)

DOUG: FLUSH!

(The ship comes OUT the other side of the black hole. Everyone inside is all funky colored)

MAGNUS: We still exist!

MARISSA: But what happened to us?

PHIL: Oh my God, we've been re-released in the European Generation 2 line!

[The toyline contained many weird or wild color schemes.]

CYCLONUS: This change must be caused by outside forces.

(Wreck-Gar's head spins around)

WRECK-GAR: Color control on the fritz! Don't touch that dial!

SIPHER: (Satanic) GET OUUUUUUT!

[Just referencing Wreck-Gar's head spin.]

INQUIRATA: This is incredible! Wondrous! We are in a negative universe!

PHIL: (indignant) No you're not.

INQUIRATA: Another scientific theory of mine has been proven correct!

PHIL: No it hasn't!

MARISSA: So that's why everything looks different!

PHIL: No it isn't!

SIPHER: OKAY.

MAGNUS: This is all very interesting...

(Magnus picks up Inquirata.)

INQUIRATA: No!

(Magnus throws Inquirata into the guard, knocking them both down.)

MAGNUS: NOW let's hear your theory on how we get out of here and back to our own universe!

INQUIRATA: Yes! Yes! If we can produce enough speed to re-enter the white hole on the correct trajectory,

DOUG: And avoid the NARCs, we can make a TON of cash on the street!

CYCLONUS: These two are the CAUSE of our ordeal.

MAGNUS: Then it's only fitting they help us SOLVE our problem.

(Back in the engine room)

INQUIRATA: The engines have been damaged by the overload, but with some donated parts from your mechanisms and some work, they can be made fully functional.

PHIL: (Inquirata) Give me your robo-spleen.

MAGNUS: Then let's get started.

(Montage. Wreck-Gar removes the tip of one finger, giving it to Marissa)

SIPHER: The valuable Pointy Finger Component.

(Marissa uses some tool-thing on the guard. It looks like she's tickling him)

DOUG: (deadpan guard) Hee hee hee that tickles.

(Cyclonus attaches a part to the main machine thing)

SIPHER: Parts: The Cyclonus Horror.

[Part: The Clonus Horror, a science fiction movie which MST3K covered.]

(Magnus goes to replace the part-thing, and his animation cel doesn't quite line up when he goes behind the engine)

PHIL: ARGH I'VE BEEN CUT IN HALF...

INQUIRATA: You all realize, if the ship enters the white hole on the incorrect trajectory, we will all be crushed or torn to pieces.

SIPHER: Then we'll all wear black and write poetry about it.

MARISSA: Besides, if we did it once, we can—

WRECK-GAR: Go back, Jack, and do it again!

INQUIRATA: Full forward and lateral thrust! Now!

PHIL: I hope they go to a universe where everyone is colored like Devastator.

[Referencing some fans' desire for every construction vehicle to be colored purple and green.]

(They come out of the black hole easily)

MARISSA: We're back where we started from!

SIPHER: On the edge of a black hole, terrific.

MAGNUS: Not quite! Take a look!

(Lots of explosions in space)

CYCLONUS: A reception committee has formed!

INQUIRATA: So, they did receive our distress signal.

(Magnus picks up the guard by his head-crest)

MAGNUS: Open a transmission channel NOW!

(Magnus jams the guard's face into the control panel)

SIPHER: Or I'll give you a Swirlie!

[A Swirlie is the act of taking someone's head, sticking it into a toilet, and flushing. Sick, isn't it?]

MAGNUS: Sky Lynx! Disengage and take a reverse heading!

SKY LYNX: Ultra Magnus! Where are you?

MAGNUS: Behind you! What do you think reverse means?

DOUG: (Sky Lynx) I think it means "Kiss my dactyloid BUTT," Maggie!

MAGNUS: Don't try to stop us.

CYCLONUS: There would be no point in that.

PHIL: (Cyclonus) I suck too hard to stop you.

MAGNUS: Then we'll go our separate ways, but the next time we meet it will be as enemies.

SIPHER: As naked, oiled gladiators.

CYCLONUS: As soldiers on opposing sides.

MAGNUS: No more, no less.

DOUG: They wanna kiss SOOOOO bad.

SKY LYNX: There it is, Magnus! Home sweet Cybertron!

MAGNUS: We traveled from one universe to another and back again,

PHIL: And boy are my arms tired.

[The old comedy staple: "Hey, I just flew from --INSERT CITY--, and BOY are my arms tired!"]

MAGNUS: but as citizens of the same galaxy, we're still so far apart.

DOUG: He learned too late man is a feeling creature...

SIPHER: Ooookay.

[Mart of Peter Graves's final speech from the movie It Conquered the World]

BUMPER SIX

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE — CASTING CALL

Gary Coleman as WHEELIE

• This one isn't a joke, dammit!

SKIT FOUR: REMOVE HEAD FROM URANUS

(When the lights go up, Phil is slightly offstage. Doug and Sipher are still seated, looking at the screen.)

PHIL (stage whisper): Guys. Hey. GUYS.

(They do not react.)

PHIL: Aw crap.

(Phil makes a big deal about going through his pockets , finally pulling out and unfolding a large instruction manual [probably from G1, since they're the most recognizable]. The remainder of the sketch is Phil physically adjusting the positions of Doug and Sipher while they periodically deliver lines.)

PHIL: Okay, let's see..."Includes Doug Dlin, M Sipher, "Prime Target" episode, missile launcher...blah blah blah...super robot head...tech spec decoder - hey, I love these things!

(Phil ideally holds up a tech spec decoder)

PHIL: "START. Rotate Doug head to form Doug head facing forward." (Phil does so.) "Stand Sipher." (Phil does so, presumably with Sipher's help.) "STEP ONE. Raise Doug arm to form opening line." (Phil raises Doug's arm above his head.)

DOUG: So guys, I was playing with Prowl the other day.

PHIL: "STEP TWO. Rotate Sipher's waist 90 degrees." (From here on, assume Phil follows the instructions.) "Attach predictable reply."

SIPHER: Wait wait wait! Which Prowl do you mean?

PHIL: "Attach laser rifle to Sipher. Raise Doug to chair and fold out humorous dialogue." (Hopefully the chairs are safe to stand on.)

DOUG: Oh, I forgot. There are so many Prowls now, you have to be more specific when you mention one.

PHIL: "Rotate Sipher 720 degrees. Attach script to Doug to form wings. Pull out punchline setup."

SIPHER: That's right. So which Prowl DO you mean, Doug?

PHIL: "Raise Sipher leg to head and press Doug chest to activate lame electronic punchline." (This is where Sipher apparently puts his leg behind his head.)

DOUG: The one that turns into a police car!

Offstage: LIGHTS!

PHIL: "To transform skit mode back to episode mode, reverse the order of - aw, CRAP!"

[house lights down, unpause tape]

[Phil went out and bought a big piece of clear red acetate for use as the tech specs decoder. It didn't get a reaction.

Phil also adlibbed several of the lines as he was "transforming" Doug and Sipher. It is worth noting that he didn't think Sipher could raise his leg to his head, but damned if he didn't do it. Truly, an impressive sight. Also, scary.]

BUMPER SEVEN

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE — CASTING CALL

Casey Kasem as BLUESTREAK

• Because the fandom seems to want an R-rated movie, and Casey knows how to drop them F-bombs!
• THESE GUYS ARE FROM ENGLAND AND NOBODY GIVES A ****!!!

EPISODE FOUR: ONLY HUMAN

TITLE: ONLY HUMAN

BY

(Shot of a futuristic city)

SIPHER: Epcot Center.

[EPCOT in Walt Disney World contains futuristic looking buildings.]

(Buildings start blowing up.)

PHIL: Ah, it's Dateline NBC.

[In the early 1990's, "Dateline NBC" did a report on how certain vehicles could have their gas tanks explode. To "help" the report, it put explosives in vehicles. Great journalistic integrity, isn't it?]

(Some dock workes see the flames)

MAN #1: Hurry! The whole city's goin' up!

(They start running)

DUTCH: You know what we're lookin' for! Find it!

PHIL: They blew up an entire city just to steal some fruit?

(A man hanging from a high beam plummets, screaming. Springer flies in, and presumably catches him... even though Springer's helicopter blades more than cover his cockpit.)

SIPHER: SLTCCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHFPPFPPFPP

DOUG: EYUW, the SPRAY.

(A man, his wife and their baby stand on a high ledge)

MAN #3: Help, please! Somebody help!

SPRINGER: Will I do?

DOUG: Did I mention my rotor blades are razor-sharp?

(An explosion knocks Springer to the ground, making him revert to robot mode. Arcee runs up)

ARCEE: (Pants) Are you all right?

SPRINGER: I've been better.

PHIL: Better-drawn, at least.

(He returns to helicopter mode and makes a new rescue attempt. His blades ones again get REAL close to the people)

SIPHER: SPLLLTCHCHCHCH!!

DOUG: Oooh, their heads went about fifty yards!

SPRINGER: You got looters at work on the docks!

(Shot of a canister labeled "Newtronium")

THUG #1: We got it, Dutch!

SIPHER: Papaya!

DUTCH: Then let's get outta here!

DOUG: Is he Buggsy Malone?

[1979 musical gangster film with children in all the roles.]

(Rodimus Prime and Ultra Magnus arrive and begin pursuit of the thieves. The thugs fire, but the shots bounce off them.)

RODIMUS PRIME: (Wryly) Careful, Ultra Magnus! They're armed and dangerous.

THUG #1: Wha-wha-what do you want with us?

PHIL: YOUR WOMEN.

RODIMUS: Just the object of your affections there.

SIPHER: Aren't you the guy from Mythbusters?

[One of the thugs *does* look like Jamie Hyneman from the Discovery Channel's "Mythbusters".]

(The thug hands the Newtronium over)

RODIMUS: Anyway, it's not a new tie, right?

(Close-up of the Newtronium canister)

PHIL: What was wrong with the OLD Tronium?

SIPHER: Boo.

ULTRA MAGNUS: Rodimus, put it down, it's Newtronium! Highly explo—

(Dutch fires on the canister of Rodimus is holding, making it explode. Rodimus and Magnus are flung into the water)

DOUG: (Gauntlet) RED THUG SHOT THE POTION!

[Announcer quote from classic video game Gauntlet]

(The thugs run to a transport, which takes off)

THUG #1: Thanks, Dutch. I thought we was goners.

DUTCH: (Pants) Yeah, well, you still might be when you tell Mr. Drath about this!

SIPHER: (Thug) Hey, YOU shot the canister, dickweed.

RODIMUS: When am I gonna learn to be more careful?

MAGNUS: Hopefully at the next opportunity.

(Sigil transition)

(A reporter is talking to the chief in the ruined streets)

REPORTER: Is it true, Chief Turan, that these bombings were engineered as a distraction to cover the attempted theft of the newtronium?

CHIEF TURAN: No comment at this time.

PHIL: (Reporter) That IS a comment, sir.

DOUG: (Chief) Shut up.

(Shot from inside Victor Drath's office)

TURAN: However, I do wish to thank the Autobots for their assistance. Without their help, the loss of life might have been catastrophic.

(Drath turns around in his chair)

VICTOR DRATH: You are aware, I presume, that my client will not be pleased about the loss of his newtronium.

DOUG: Whoah, it's Matt from the Tonka GoBots show!

[Drath looks a lot like Matt.]

DRATH: We will deal with the Autobot as we would any other impediment to business.

DUTCH: You're gonna ice them robots??

(Drath nods, the affirmation causing a stir among his henchmen.)

ALL: DULL SURPRISE.

[Another MST3K reference, "Dull Surprise" being the sum total of Kathy Ireland's range of emotions while acting.]

(Sigil transition)

(Drath's ridiclous-looking limo pulls out and drives through the front gate)

PHIL: What a goofy-looking vehicle.

(The limo-thing pulls up to a forest grove. Drath, now in a pink suit, gets out.)

SIPHER: Prince goes camping.

[Again, the singer.]

BUM: He-ey, you lookin' for old Snake?

DOUG: Old Snake, New Tronium!

BUM: Ehh, next block, uhh, pacin' up and down!

DRATH: Pay the man, Dutch.

(Dutch punches the bum out.)

PHIL: (Bum) You shorted me a punch!

DRATH: Snake! We have to talk. I have another project for you.

SNAKE: Something worthy of my services, Mr. Drath, or another of your vendettas?

DOUG: HEY! It's that villain dude from that old toy line cartoon! It's um... um... Professor Braxis!!

SIPHER & PHIL: (Improv agreement)

[Because Snake is Cobra Commander, y'see.]

DRATH: Synthoids, I believe. You could transfer minds from their original living forms to synthetic bodies?

SNAKE: Oh, yes. Easily!

DRATH: Does that technology still exist, Snake? Is it for sale?

SNAKE: Eh. This is the world, Mr. Drath. Everything is for sale.

SIPHER: Emphasssissse your ssssibilants sssome more, fellasss.

(Sigil transition)

(Big trucks drive up to Drath's place)

SIPHER: Harry Knowles' lunch is delivered.

[Harry Knowles is the owner of Ain't It Cool News and a rather large fellow.]

(A giant lid is placed on a huge clear container)

PHIL: That's one hell of a Tupperware.

(Workers carry large tubes)

DOUG: He's SERIOUS about his pickled eggs.

(Snake hits a button and some lights flash on the panel)

DOUG: (Snake) Prettyyyyy...

DRATH: It's missing only one thing.

SIPHER: (singing) A brain.

PHIL: (singing) A heart.

DOUG: (singing) Da noive.

["If I Only Had a Brain" from the movie "The Wizard of Oz".]

RODIMUS: No, Chief, we can't ignore it. We've been waiting weeks for a break in this case.

SPRINGER: Even an anonymous tip beats zip!

TURAN: And if it's a trap, Springer?

PHIL: A trap beats crap!

SPRINGER: I mean, maybe this Victor Drath is tough, but he's still ONLY HUMAN.

DOUG: HA HA.

(Sigil transition)

(Rodimus, Magnus, Arcee and Springer drive up to Drath's home.)

SIPHER: So why are the Autobot's top brass doing this petty crap?

SPRINGER: Real flair for the dramatic.

(The Autobots enter. Suddenly, the door closes behind them, and they're blinded by powerful beams of light.)

PHIL: Dancitron?

[What, you forgot the episode already?]

MAGNUS: Still amused, Springer?

DOUG: Well, it's not really a "ha-ha" kind of funny...

(The Autobot enter the chamber in which the Synthoid machinery is placed and are promptly trapped in the transfer tube.)

SIPHER: SMOOTH, guys.

(Clamps come down to grab the Autobots tight and shock them with electricity)

DRATH: I take it you received my invitation. This is Michelle. She's come to watch you die.

ALL: HI, MICHELLE.

DRATH: Let's not keep her waiting.

DOUG: She's swell.

(Snake hits some buttons, and we see Magnus getting scrunched up a bit by the machine holding him still)

PHIL: It's an elaborate plot to uncomfortable them to death!

SNAKE: Bid farewell to those big, strong bodies, Autobots!

(The Autobots scream)

SNAKE: You're going down the tubes! (Laughs)

SIPHER: HOW is this easier than say... just crushing them?

(The tubes fill with protoplasm or something)

PHIL: Silly Putty?

[Silly Putty is that pliable plasticy stuff that you can stretch and shape and draw ink out of comics with.]

(Drath points to the tubes)

DRATH: Get rid of it. And melt these down for scrap.

SNAKE: Why, your lack of imagination appalls me, Mr. Drath! How could you dream of scrapping four of the most powerful weapons on the face of the Earth?

SIPHER: Wait, that mask! Of course, it's Miles Mayhem!

DOUG & PHIL: (Improv agreement)

[Another joke on the fact Snake is Cobra Commander.]

DRATH: Make absolutely certain this material is destroyed. Is that clear?

PHIL: Have you considered doing it HERE?

(Another of Drath's henchmen drives off the synthoid bodies in a container to dispose of them at a junkyard. The junk inside shifts... and we see a full chicken leg)

DOUG: Hey, they're throwing out perfectly good chicken!

(Just as the contents of the container are about to be compressed, a hand sticks out...)

SIPHER: Thing's in trouble!

[Thing being the character who is just a mobile hand from The Munsters.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

(Rodimus, now a human, pulls himself from the garbage)

RODIMUS: Jump!

(All four now-human Autobots leap from the dumpster right before it's crushed.)

DOUG: Hey, it's WHITE TRASH!

(The four Autobots hide)

SIPHER: Nice of them to synthesise some Hanes for them.

MAGNUS: We MIGHT wanna get out of the open!

(They run to a garage, and Rodimus shoulders his way in. They grab some clothes, which are CONVEINIENTLY the same colors as their robot modies were.)

PHIL: (Church Lady) Isn't that CONVENIENT.

[Dana Carvey's "The Church Lady" character from "Saturday Night Live", circa early 1990's.]

SPRINGER: Thanks for rousing us. You saved our lives, kid.

RODIMUS: Don't mention it... gramps.

SPRINGER: Rodimus?

DOUG: Wait, you only JUST realized you're humans now?!

ARCEE: What in the name of Prime?

SIPHER: I wonder which junkyard worker wore the PINK outfit.

ARCEE: All of us Rodimus?

(Rodimus nods.)

ARCEE: Springer!

(Springer nods.)

PHIL: (Arcee) Reed Richards?

[Human Magnus looks like Reed from Marvel's "Fantastic Four" comics.]

SPRINGER: We were... just wondering about that ourselves.

RODIMUS: At least we know who's responsible.

DOUG: I think I'm pretty responsible.

ARCEE: Victor Drath?

MAGNUS: Whom, it would seem, we greatly underestimated.

ARCEE: But why? Why this—

PHIL: —stupidly elaborate scheme?

(They hide from the flashlight beams that start filling into the room.)

MAGNUS: (Rodimus' lips are moving during this) This wasn't the plan. Our survival was unintentional.

SIPHER: As was our voices switching!

MAGNUS: (STILL using Rodimus' lips) I recommend we split up. Arcee and I will try to contact Autobot City.

PHIL: Hell of a ventriloquist act they got going.

SPRINGER: Yeah, and if it's reversible!

RODIMUS: Come on!

(Sigil change)

(Back at Drath, Incorporated... a shot of his house)

SIPHER: Didn't they film Charlie's Angels there?

[The house looks like the house from the 2000 film "Charlie's Angels", where Drew Barrymore's character gets shot.]

THUG #2: Your trash got up and took a hike before I could squash 'em!

DUTCH: Them blobs are alive??

DOUG: Wasn't that the POINT of Synthoids?

DRATH: Go to the house. Activate all security systems.

(The truck drives off)

PHIL: (Drath) W-wait until we get inside fir- DAMN.

DRATH: What about the robots? Could you do anything with them?

SIPHER: I could make a HAT, or a BROOCH, or a pterodactyl...

[The every crazy Johnny from the movie "Airplane"]

(Rodimus and Springer jump out of the back of the truck)

SPRINGER: We know what's in there.

PHIL: (bitter) That lawn mower he borrowed months ago.

(They duck into the bushes as another truck drives up and some thugs with guns get out)

SPRINGER: They've spotted us!

RODIMUS: I'll lead them back toward the house. You try to hook up with Ultra Magnus and—

SPRINGER: Whoa! Wait a minute! Hold it, pal.

DOUG: I don't swing that way!

RODIMUS: And risk our both getting caught? Sorry, we can't afford that.

THUG #2: There they go!

SIPHER: Get some glasses, dude, that's ONE guy.

(Sigil transition)

(The Autobot bodies walk into a large room)

DRATH: Can the men control them?

SNAKE: What they lack in grace,

SIPHER: (Snake) They make up for in Will.

["Will & Grace", a comedy on NBC.]

SNAKE: Autobots, TRANSFORM!

(The bodies transform.)

SNAKE: Shall I have them take a test drive?

DOUG: Oh, SNAKE, of course. It's King Hiss!

SIPHER & PHIL (Improve agreement)

[Yet another Cobra Commander joke.]

(Sigil transition)

(Rodimus pants as he runs. The attackers continually fire after him, finally hitting him in the arm.)

RODIMUS: Oww!

PHIL: OOOH, right in the sleeve!

(Rodimus falls over by the pool)

DOUG: (Struggling) Can't... walk... properly... legs.. not... molded... together!

MICHELLE: Well, aren't you a surprise.

SIPHER: (Bow-chicka-wow-wow music)

THUG #2: Let's try up by the pool!

MICHELLE: We don't often get prowlers around here, let alone good-looking ones.

PHIL: But I suppose you'll do.

(Michelle lets Rodimus inside just before the thugs arrive.)

THUG #1: You seen a guy come this way?

(Michelle shakes her head in response and the thugs move on. She enters the house and finds Rodimus hunched over on the floor.)

DOUG: I guess she sprayed with Febreze.

[Febreze is a product you spray on clothes and fabric to get rid of odors. In mid-2005, their commercials featured people lying on carpet just to keep smelling the fresh scents.]

RODIMUS: Circuits shorted... the Matrix! Need... Matrix! Ohhh...

SIPHER: I'm a computer! Stop all the downloadin'!

[Another Fensler Films' G.I. Joe PSA parody. In this one, *ANNOTATION*]

(Sigil transition)

(Springer walks through a downtown street, where he's stopped by a street loony)

LOONY: 'The Path to True Humanity.' Only $4.95, tax deductable.

SPRINGER: Sorry, pal, I'm a robot at heart.

ALL: We're here! We've gears! Get used to it!

[From the gay rights slogan.]

(In the cut to the next shot, the sky goes dark.)

PHIL: Night falls FAST here.

SPRINGER: Terrific. I already need a shave.

(In the reflection, he suddenly sees the bodies of Magnus and Arcee, which transform into vehicle mode)

DOUG: Good thing they transformed, he might not have recognized them otherwise.

(The thugs get out of the Autobots)

THUG #1: I just got an inspiration!

SIPHER: (Thug) A WAFFLE with sausage and syrup cooked INSIDE it like a sandwich!

[*ANNOTATION* ?]

THUG #1: And we're gonna!

(The Autobots are directed to transform back to robot mode and blast open a jewler's store. The Autobots' chests pop open and the thugs crawl down ladders and enter the hole in the security door)

PHIL: Nice lack of an alarm.

THUG #1: We got enough! Let's go!

DOUG: (Thug) We got three bracelets! ALL RIGHT!

(RODIMUS PRIME's BODY transforms without incident, but SPRINGER's BODY refuses.)

PHIL: (Springer) Oh, great, they found out about my PROBLEM.

THUG #1: Uh... yeah!

THUG #3: But there's only room for two in here!

(Thug 1 kicks Thug 3 out.)

THUG #1: Yeah, you're right!

SIPHER: Come on in, stranger I instantly trust!

DOUG: I don't think Drath could have hired dumber minions if he'd TRIED.

(sigil transition)

(Magnus hangs up on a red public telephone)

SIPHER: (phone voice) No, the WHITE phone.

[*ANNOTATION*]

ARCEE: Chief Turan wouldn't speak to you?

MAGNUS: They kept me on hold until my three minutes were up.

PHIL: And the weird tube machine only synthesized me one quarter.

MAGNUS: I'd be interested to see what he imports, wouldn't you?

DOUG: I bet it's stolen Transformers test-shots.

(They push a dumpeter to a window, and Magnus climbs in. Shot from the inside, where Magnus is standing inside a completely glassless and barless window.)

PHIL: Man, future security SUCKS. Not even GLASS in the window.

(Magnus catches Arcee as she jumps down from the window. As Magnus sets her down, Arcee steps on a silent alarm button without noticing it.)

SIPHER: As usual, the GIRL ruins it.

(Magnus picks up a flashlight. the beam lands on a crate labelled "Perishable Goods".)

DOUG: NOT A BOMB. REALLY.

(Arcee opens it up)

ARCEE: Perishable is right. It's a bomb casing!

MAGNUS: Photon grenades. The rest is probably similar merchandise.

SIPHER: Laser Tag, Super Soakers...

(Loud noises from the outside culminate in the bodies of Magnus and Arcee breaking into the warehouse.)

ARCEE: Ultra Magnus... it's... us!

DOUG: (Arcee) I look so fat!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MAGNUS: Arcee, out that door! Head for Autobot City! I can deal with our... other selves.

(Magnus grabs a photon grenade and pulls the pin)

SIPHER: I'll momentarily blind the HELL out of them!

ARCEE: Ultra Magnus, this place is full of explosives! You'll be--

MAGNUS: Do as I say, Arcee, NOW!!

DOUG: You GIRL!

(The Auto-bodies back up)

MAGNUS: Don't think for a moment that I haven't the nerve to use this. I HAVE!

PHIL: I've killed myself on NUMEROUS OCCASIONS!

(Arcee jumps on a motorcycle just outside.)

BIKER: Hey! My bike!

PHIL: My BUTT?

(ARCEE kicks him off as he tries to stop her, and she drives off)

SIPHER: One day I'm gonna BE one of these!

MAGNUS: Just stand very still and I'll be going.

(On the warehouse roof sits Dutch, well out of Magnus' sight.)

DUTCH: Nice try, man.

DOUG: It's "Meddler on the Roof"!

["Fiddler on the Roof"]

(Dutch fires.)

(Sigil transition)

(In her quarters, Michelle is pouring some coffe. Rodimus picks himself up from the couch...)

PHIL: Uh oh, someone put in the mod code to unlock this scene...

[In 2005, video game hackers found a hidden scene in "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" that was very explicit in nature. "Hot Coffee" was the name of the application used to unlock it.]

RODIMUS: What's this?

MICHELLE: It's called breakfast, dummy.

RODIMUS: Hm. Smells better than it tastes.

MICHELLE: We've met before, haven't we?

SIPHER: Aren't you Hymie?

MICHELLE: You're the Autobot leader!

(Rodimus jerks onto his feet.)

MICHELLE: For heaven's sake, take it easy.

DOUG: Last week she called the pizza boy the Autobot leader.

MICHELLE: No. He's been totally occupied with business.

RODIMUS: Can you... get me into his house?

MICHELLE: I'll help you in any way I can.

SIPHER: Oh, I've got a subscription to THIS website.

PHIL: WHAT?

SIPHER: Uh...

(Sigil transition)

(Arcee pulls up the the front gate of Autobot City)

ARCEE: I have to see Kup at once!

EDC OFFICER: Sorry, Ma'am, this station's on alert. We're screenin' all visitors. Step this way, Ma'am.

DOUG: (Officer) You'll understand the cavity search...

ARCEE: I'm the Autobot! Arcee! Victor Drath used some strange machine to steal my body,

(Shot of the two guards inside a small office. The seated guard has a REALLY long skull.)

PHIL: Lieutenant Longskull.

(The EDC officer and Lt. Longskull exchange puzzled looks.)

ARCEE: You don't believe me!

SIPHER: ALL I WANTED WAS A PEPSI!!!

[*ANNOTATION*]

(Kup drives past, prompting Arcee to run out of the room. The guards detain her.)

ARCEE: Kup! Uh! Kup! Kup! It's me! Arcee!

EDC OFFICER: Easy, Ma'am. We have a nice doctor who'll be stoppin' by a little later.

PHIL: His name's Mindbender, I think you'll like him.

[Dr. Mindbender from the G.I. Joe cartoon. Notorious for his experiments.]

(sigil transition)

(Michelle waves Rodimus into a room)

MICHELLE: Victor's study.

DOUG: (Michelle) And it's not a trap.

(Rodimius enters... and the door closes behind him. Two thugs hold him still, and Drath pulls open the curtains to let in sunlight, which is for some reason accompanied by a sound effect.)

SIPHER: That's some loud sunlight.

DRATH: Snake pointed out to me a problem with eliminating only the four of you. Namely an entire city of Autobots who might be tempted to vengeance. I believe in solutions, not problems.

PHIL: (Drath) AND I believe in life after love.

[Cher's song "Believe".]

(At the docks)

SPRINGER: So, what exactly is our assignment, pal?

THUG #1: Do I look like Victor Drath's confidant?

DOUG: Well, you ARE wearing a dog collar, so SOMETHING'S going on there...

IMPORTER: Hey! I don't know you, buddy.

SPRINGER: Nuts, and I forgot to bring my birth certificate, too.

THUG #1: He's jake.

SIPHER: Hi, Jake!

THUG #1: You should see him handle these robot things.

IMPORTER: Okay.

PHIL: (Importer) I instantly trust you.

SIPHER: Criminals sure are a trusting bunch, aren't they?

IMPORTER: Then set the detonator on each crate and scram before the big bang!

DOUG: But that happened billions of years ago- oh, I see.

(A couple of thugs throw a bound Magnus to the ground.)

IMPORTER: Mr. Drath said to tie this guy to one of the crates. You do it.

THUG #1: Let's get him inside.

(Springer nods, then punches the thug out of the cockpit)

SPRINGER: Ultra Magnus, get in!

PHIL: Good thing these thugs are super-slow to react...

(Springer lifts off... and it's nighttime again)

IMPORTER: Get those two!

SIPHER: They're escaping under the cover of dark-

(Rodimus' body transforms, and in the close-up, it's daytime again!)

SIPHER: -never mind!

(Drath watches on his desk-monitor)

DRATH: Send the remaining Autobots onto their destination at once. Forget the rest of the crates.

DOUG: He're the Sex Pistols.

[*ANNOTATION*]

(The thugs LET GO of Rodimus for no reason, who steps behind them)

PHIL: Thanks for letting go of me, guys, that was real nice of you.

(Rodimus punches Drath, making him topple and fall. Snake slips away. Rodimus grabs Drath by the trenchcoat he's always wearing)

SIPHER: I want that snazzy coat!

DRATH: Go ahead... it won't save Autobot City!

(Drath points to the monitor)

PHIL: Hey, he became Hot Rod again!

(sigil transition)

(Autobot City...)

BLASTER: (HEAVILY processed) Got three in a row for ya, right down the road!

SIPHER: Jeez, need a lozenge, Blaster?

ARCEE: Blaster! Kup! Anyone! Listen to me! Please! It's a trick!

(sigil transition)

(Springer and Magnus are working on Springre's vehicle mode body)

MAGNUS: Will it work?

SPRINGER: Hh, I don't know. I've... never tried to repair myself before.

PHIL: Mom said I'd go blind.

[Don't ask.]

(Sigil transition)

(Springer joins the approaching Autobots)

BLASTER: Make that four in a row, Metroplex! We got Springer back, too!

(Kup, Perceptor and Grimlock cheer.)

ALL: (deadpan) YAY.

SPRINGER: If we try to attack 'em, they'll overpower us! By the time we get inside and get anyone to listen to us, it'll be too late!

MAGNUS: Only one course open, then: attack the city ourselves. Make it transform to battle station mode!

(Springer fires. Kup reacts with a VERY open-mouthed look)

SIPHER: (Fenslerfilms Frostbite) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

[Again one of the Fensler Films' G.I. Joe PSA (Public Service Announcement) parodies. In the original version, Frostbite helps kids who stray onto thin ice. In the parody, he tells them to get off his ******* lawn. And it ends with him singing "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"]

BLASTER: Oh, no! It's not Springer, it's a ringer!

(Kup, Blaster and Grimlock run along some path in the city somewhere)

DOUG: Autobot City. Population: FOUR.

(Shot of some guns coming up against ANTOHER night backdrop)

PHIL: Ten hours LATER...

(It's daylight again. Springer flies over the ground-based Autobots... AND IT'S NIGHT AGAIN)

THUG #4: What's he doin'?

SIPHER: Week six...

(Springer is shot down. The others turn and flee)

THUG #4: Get out before they blow!

(Magnus and Rodimus are shot and flip over. Arcee skids to a halt, blocked.)

SPRINGER: Ah... the sweet smell of victory.

PHIL: The smell of our charred husks. Mmmmmm.

(Sigil transition)

PERCEPTOR: This should accomplish the reversal.

RODIMUS: Go ahead, Perceptor. Do it.

PERCEPTOR: Energize!

PHIL: GTR!

(Doug and Sipher hit Phil)

[*ANNOTATION*]

(The Synthoid Autobots are suddenly back in their BVDs)

SIPHER: They sure stripped fast.

(Sigil transition)

PERCEPTOR: Well, did you enjoy your sojourn, Rodimus?

(Shot of Drath and Michelle being put in a police van)

RODIMUS: Maybe a little too much, Perceptor.

SIPHER: (irked) Now I gotta get tested.

(Sigil transition)

(The police van passes Snake, who's walking down the sidewalk, in the sunset. Even though the last scene was at night.)

SNAKE: Poor Mr. Drath.

DOUG: Mean Mr. Mustard.

[*ANNOTATION*]

SNAKE: Not quite smart enough, were you?

SIPHER: Hey, it got light again, again.

SNAKE: They simply don't make terrorists like they used to! COBRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

PHIL: OOOOOH, It's the Cobra leader! You know, Venomous Maximus!

SIPHER & DOUG: (Improv sounds of agreement)

[Venomous Maximus was the Cobra baddie in the 2004 video "Valor Vs. Venom."]

(House lights up, pause tape)

BUMPER EIGHT

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE — CASTING CALL

Pat Lee as SWINDLE

[That's it. That's the entire bumper. After a few seconds, the words just flashed on screen, because, really, what else is there to say?

The audience loved this one to no end.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.]

SKIT FIVE: TOO LATE FOR APOLOGIES

SIPHER: Well, folks, there it is. The first MSTF performed under new management. All that's left to do is the final skit, shoot Walky, and run the credits.

WALKY: (Off-stage) WHAT?

SIPHER: BACK IN YOUR CAGE!!! (quickly composed again) But we figured that now would be as good a time as any to make some... well, apologies.

PHIL: Sipher, you must realize... (looks at his watch)... IT'S TOO LATE FOR APOLOGIES!!!

DOUG: Uh, right. First of all, we're all very sorry that the convention this year had to start like THIS. (Spreads his hands to indicate the whole panel)

SIPHER: We'd like to apologize to the voice actor guests for this year, for not doing any of the episodes they were actually involved with.

PHIL: We'd like to apologize to Wally Burr for that last apology, as he WAS involved with all of the episodes we did.

DOUG: We'd like to apologize for Sipher's singing in 2003 during that "Spend" parody of "Dare".

SIPHER: I'd like to apologize more to my larynx for that one.

PHIL: We'd like to apologize for the See & Read video, the 'Touch' music video, and the Tommy Kennedy segments. Because now we're running out of REALLY awful stuff to spring on you guys.

DOUG: I'd like to apologize for my translation of Hirofumi Ichikawa's "Linkage" comic. In the original Japanese, the whole thing's actually a snuff film.

SIPHER: We'd like to apologize for making light of Pat Lee's work... because the damage he's done to Transformers is no laughing matter.

PHIL: I'd like to apologize for being from Wisconsin.

DOUG: I'd like to apologize for being the only person up here without a laptop. (Sipher and Phil grin) Clearly, I'm not as huge a dork as I should be. (The grins vanish)

WALKY: (off-stage) I've got a laptop! Can I join?

ALL: NO.

SIPHER: We'd like to apologize for not shooting Walky sooner.

PHIL: I'd like to apologize for having that burrito before the show.

(Doug and Sipher both scoot a few inches away from Phil)

DOUG: I would like to apologize to the children of PS312 for the unfortunate "spider piñata" incident.

(Phil and Sipher slooowly turn their heads towards Doug with "what the hell?" expressions. Phil scoots a few inches away. Sipher scoots further, assuming he doesn't fall off the stage doing so.)

SIPHER: (Complete poker face) I'd like to apologize for my lack of sincerity. Really. I mean it.

PHIL: We'd like to apologize for Robot Chicken. No, we don't have anything to do with the show, but we feel that mayeb there was something we could have done to prevent it, and for that, we're truly sorry.

DOUG: We'd like to apologize to everyone we made fun of. Except Pat Lee.

SIPHER: We'd like to apologize for not having a good ending for this skit.

(There is a long pause. All three just kind of sit around for about fifteen seconds. Finally, they all just get up and start packing up.)

[house lights down, unpause tape]

[Walky again didn't have a microphone, so the jokes involving him were probably lost unless you were sitting near him in the front row.

During the writing of this skit, Phil pointed out that Michael Chain was the voice of Raoul, so yes, there was a person involved with the episodes at the convention. He wrote a few lines to reflect that change, but they never made it into the final script.

So, when Doug started saying the added lines, Phil was grateful that he remembered his part. Granted, it wasn't all that much to remember:

SIPHER: We'd like to apologize to the voice actor guests for this year, for not doing any of the episodes they were actually involved with.

DOUG: That's not quite true. Michael Chain's here.

PHIL: So?

DOUG: He did Raoul.

PHIL: He did WHAT?

DOUG: He *played* the part of Raoul.

PHIL: Oh. (beat) Uh, we'd like to apologize to Wally Burr for that last apology, as he WAS involved with all of the episodes we did.

Both Sipher and Phil intended to use their laptops during the performance; however, the lack of power outlets within reach of the stage nixed that idea. So, the actual exchange went something like this:

DOUG: I'd like to apologize for being the only person up here without a laptop.

PHIL: Uh, Doug, we don't have our laptops here. We were going to use them, but we didn't have power.

DOUG: Yes, but you did bring them, didn't you?

PHIL: Well, yes.

DOUG: Clearly, I'm not as huge a dork as I should be.

The line "It's too late for apologies!" comes from the horrible English dub of the Japanese series *ANNOTATION*

And Phil's not really sorry he's from Wisconsin.]

CLOSING CREDITS

MSTF 8: With Kung-Fu Quip

Inspired by

Mystery Science Theater 3000

Cartoon Network's Adult Swim

Star Wars

(Two of these are now finished; coincidence?)

Starring

Doug Dlin

Greg "M Sipher" Sepelak

Philip N. Zeman

Also Starring

David Willis

Anyone else we conned into doing this

Written by

Doug Dlin

Matthew Greenbaum

Robert Jung

Matt Kuphaldt

Bill Ray

Greg Sepelak

Trent Troop

Jennifer Ulm

Graham Weaver

David Willis

Benson Yee

Philip N. Zeman

Intel Inside

(Rob Jung hates when we say that)

Music

Opening Credits:

"Also Sprach Zarathusta"

by Richard Strauss

"Fox Fanfare"

by Alfred Williams

The London Symphony Orchestra

John Williams, Conductor

"Star Wars"

Arranged by Meco Menardo

"Squid"

by Los Straitjackets

Bumper Music:

"Transformers: The Movie"

Performed by Lion

"Transformers: The Movie"

Performed by Ed Fruge

"Transformers: The Movie"

Performed by Vince DiCola

Skit Music:

"The Alphabet of Cybertron"

Music by They Might Be Giants

Words by Greg Sepelak

Closing Credits:

"Experimental Film"

By They Might Be Giants

"Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith"

End Credits

By John Williams

The London Symphony Orchestra

John Williams, Conductor

Some Media From:

danihana as found on Google

Steve Stonebraker

www.BNLblog.com

www.czabe.com

www.homestarrunner.com

Special Thanks:

Brian Savage, the staff of Fun Publications, and

those who put together this convention

Hasbro, for making these toys in the first place

You, for attending and donating generously

Lead Experiment

Greg "M Sipher Sepelak"

Filmy

Philip N. Zeman

MSTF 8 - With Kung-Fu Quip

A King Weasels/SkyJammer Enterprises Production

for MSTF Productions

Copyright 2005

Visit us at www.MSTFonline.com

THE END