Emmanuel Macron

Emmanuel Macron: A recent photo of his suit.

“Check the label! Feel the quality! Je suis En-Suite!”

~ Emmanuel Macron

Emmanuel Macron was elected President of France in May, 2017. He is the leader of a new political party titled En-Suite! and defeated Marine Le Pen of the Blonde National in the final run-off by keeping his cool, soft-pedalling his agenda, and not looking like a bank manager, in contrast to his predecessor, François Hollande.

Porno movie?

The other Emmanuelle. Menage a trois anyone?

Mais, non! France has been used to racy leaders in the past, with quite a few having their heads removed or getting shot. This particular Emmanuel is no relation to Emmanuelle, though, the supposed French mistress of seduction who was actually Dutch. However, this young Emmanuel was seduced by the charms of his teacher whilst at school.

'So what?' you say, 'Isn't that something the French do often??' Yes, but usually it is a pert, pouty-mouthed teenage girl who falls for the dandruffy charms and red wine stains of 'Le Professeur' before they tumble into bed for a passionate mix of sex and Sartre. In this case, Macron played the role of the student of sex and learnt 'the gropes' from his more experienced bedmate, Brigitte 'La Troguette' Trogneux. He was 15, she was 40 and was ostensibly teaching him The Business. Officially, there was no 'Le Hanky Panky' until Macron turned 18, when one presumes sexual theory and practice were combined in one lesson. This relationship was later thinly disguised and made into a film titled Ecole Erotique, starring Cate Blanchett and Shia LaBoeuf.

Banking

Brigitte Trogneux and Emmanuel Macron.

Once Macron and Trogneux got officially hitched, she immediately took him around the shops to get her man 'suited and booted'. He got a job in banking and eventually wound up with the mega-rich Rothschilds private financers. This gained Macron access to the ultra-rich and the chance to invest their money in tax-friendly countries offering suitable terms to the tax-unfriendly. Macron has since denied he set up a secret account to stash his cash under the assumed name of 'Alain Delon', though they did share the same tailor.

Macron's ability to count money eventually got him a post in government. Initially as just a salaried employee, Macron joined the French Socialist party and moved over into the politics of money, since Macron understood how the Euro currency worked, and was too young to waste time pining for the return of the Franc.

Politics

The rest of the En-Suite party.

Macron's star continued to rise, though along the way he discontinued his nominal socialism and put himself forward as a Progressive Suit. His rivals often mistook him for his wife's son and would ask him if he still enjoyed school. In 2012 France elected Francois Hollande as president and he in turn, was keen to use Macron's suits to improve his own range. But Hollande was fat, squat and a squinter. He had no style.

In 2014 Macron got his first cabinet post as Minister for Haute Couture. This gained him coverage in the French style magazines who admired Macron's slim profile and asked him to considering modelling following his political career. They only faulted him his choice of wife. 'The Trog' was considered by them to be a Baggage Bore.

2017 elections

Emmanuel Macron's 'Man of the People' suit.

In 2016, Macron returned his official wardrobe and left the government. Now labelling himself a 'centrist' and 'plumbing expert', he set up his own party, called Mouvement Macron, then renamed En-Suite (In A Suit). In the 2017 French presidential elections, Macron stormed into first place, to face a run-off against Marine Le Pen. The Blonde National went on the offensive and criticised Macron for his suits and policies (in that order), suggesting neither were made in France.

A few days before the final round of voting in May 2017, Le Pen and Le Suit went head-to-head, toe-to-toe, and then hand-to-hand in Le Television Debate. Le Pen kept calling Macron a Globalist Banker for Globalist Wankers. The audience loved it, shouting 'Trump Nouveau' every time Le Pen spoke.

A few days, the election results were announced. Charles DeGaulle was still dead. The best suit won. Macron received congratulations for his win from German Chancellor Angela Merkel and British Prime Minister Theresa May but not Vladimir Putin, Czar of all the Hackers and Trolls. President Donald Trump sent a tweet saying he wanted to work with 'Pepe the Frog'.

The name En-Suite no longer fit, as Macron realised he would need additional people to actually operate the French government, and broadened the tent to comprise apparel from blue jeans to wing-tip shoes. The party took yet another name, La République en Marche (The Republic at the Market), finalising its manifesto in the produce aisle. In contrast to the century-old Beer Hall Putsch, the party hoped in the June legislative elections to achieve a Supermarket Sweep.