Canberra
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“Shit happens. Just accept it.”
| Canberra | |
|---|---|
| |
| Location | In the ACT, above Queanbeyan, also known as the hole or Struggle Town |
| Currency | Rich dollars |
| Threat level | SEVERE |
| David | "Very boring. I would not go and see it if it was in the movies. 1 star from me." |
| Margaret | "Now David I disagree, I feel this film portrayed low life scum very well. David, if you wax my beard for me I will give it 4 stars." |
Canberra (pronounced "Can-bra") is the capital and biggest-little-city of Australia. The city was designed by an elderly British man to trap tourists in an arcane and diabolical web of roundabouts and eye-sores, commonly known as "government buildings" or "private schools". Canberra is known for its weather - The average winter temperature is -17°C and the average summer temperature is 45°C. What is less usual is that the temperature hangs around these extremes all year, and precipitation only ever occurs in the form of hail. On less extreme days, the Manuka socialites can be seen sitting in the sun, inhaling exhaust fumes as their varied plastic additions melt, indulging in their perception of harmony among the roundabouts, pot smoke and that this wonderful city embodies.
Introduction[edit]
Canberrans are well known for their love of firecrackers, porn and roundabouts. What is generally not known is the basic love for the Serbian people that all Canberrans share, although this has caused problems for the local Lesbian population who do not wish to be associated with them.
Canberra is a large inland fishing village by the sea (Queanbeyan, when it fills up with water) inhabited by public servants and politicians. Australian ex-prime minister John Howard was supposed to live in Canberra, but due to a chronic allergy to large boring suburbs, he continued to live in Sydney at a place called Hillbilly House before spectacularly losing the election to Kevin Rudd in 2007. However in 2010 Julia Gillard took over from Kevin Rudd, and opted to stay in her current home because she was afraid opposition leader Tony Abbott (pronounced Toe-knee Ab-butt) would be able to see her dye her hair.
Canberra is located near a large metorite crater known as Queanbeyan (or simply 'the hole'); it is so enormously deep that many scientists blame it for the destruction of the dinosaurs.A large population of bogans reside in Queanbeyan, and their isolation among this unique (although rather shitty, literally) ecosystem has prompted Sir David Attenborough to make a documentary called The Hole and Beyond, my journey beyond the Galapagos. According to BBC, this documentary will outline the bogan lifecycle and food-chain of this rare and isolated ecological entity.
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Canberra is also home to the Australian Parliament, a mental institution used to rid the streets of the most foul and insane of the Australian population, drawn by cartoonists for the daily papers and occasionally used for politics, a move that is almost universally opposed by other nations of the world (if not the Australian pollies themselves).
History[edit]
Canberra was originally discovered by viking seafarers who got really lost and quickly decided that it would be too cold to settle there for very long; they called it "Yggr" (Norse for terrible location), and quickly left the place where it remained undiscovered for a thousand years until it was rediscovered.
Initially Sydney and Melbourne both wanted to be the capital. It was then pointed out just how many new politicians and new public servants would be created, both immediately and projecting forward. The people changed their minds very quickly. It was a case of "no, you have it" and "get stuffed, you have it". In the end Sydney and Melbourne couldn't agree about whether Townsville, Queensland or Victoria should be the national capital of Australia. They imported Hurley Griffin, a maize farmer from Illinois, and paid him tuppence to jump from a dirigible into a random location in the bush. There, in that random spot, would be the splendid capital of the new Australian nation.
The spot where Hurley Griffin landed -- on October 9, 1901 -- became the site now known as Canberra.
Eighteen years later, a group of travellers, making their way through the bush of Fyshstick stumbled upon a gigantic lake (Lake Hurley Griffin), wide planned boulevards, and short concrete government buildings. Canberra had arrived on the world scene. Soon, people other than Hurley Griffin found themselves living there, too, and they found themselves just as bored as Hurley Griffin himself.
Griffin had added various artistic touches to symbolize Australia. The streams diverted to flood a nice valley for Lake Hurley Griffin, which represented Australia's profligate and destructive water policies. And all traffic lights were banned, instead roundabouts were used, with cars just going around and around and around and around, symbolizing the circular and essentially pointless nature of politics, and by inference the city itself.
Canberra was built inland, miles and miles away from anything. This was to avoid naval artillery. The great visionaries of Australia thought that military technological advancement would stop completely because everyone was a stupid and lazy like them.
The Canberra Tourism Bureau promotes Canberra as one of the "world's great cities*". What's not known is the footnote they're obliged to add to each such brochure "*If you ignore all other world cities except Queanbeyan, which is a hole." That footnote came about after the Australian Competition Consumer Commission (ACCC) prosecuted them for a "misleading statement" under the Trade Practices Act (see Regina v CTB, Commonwealth law reports 1970). It was also misleading because 50 politicians, a mall and a kangaroo do not constitute a city by ISO standards. The reasons for this are as yet unclear, but the presence of fireworks and shops for erotic material did help Canberra's case and it was allowed to remain a city, providing it kept quiet about it. Today, Canberra enjoys a status unique it, being the only city in the world considered by all world governments, including al Qaeda and newly formed fascist state of Costa Del Pom to be completly devoid of any reason for existence.
On the 22nd of August 2011, an association of inbred West Australians and equally inbred but much fatter truckies from numerous other states declared a war of the Jew-liar (a demigod amorphous lizard-spirit which exists only in their imaginations) and carbon, the latter being a substance they staunchly disagree with. However, due to the fact that they come from extremely underpopulated regions (partly because of their continued successful genocide of Aborigines) they thought that four trucks were many trucks, and would make a bold statement, rather they are now being ridiculed for not being here, and getting drunk in Hall.
Things to see and do[edit]
Seriously go to the coast or Sydney, but if you insist....
Roundabouts[edit]
The vast majority of Canberra's tourists agree that the best thing to do in Canberra is to go around the thousands of roundabouts. This is really the only thing that differentiates Canberra from really boring places, as even Pyongyang has enough sense not to use roundabouts.
The National Museum[edit]
Built as a sop to the lefties by the Howard government, this travesty, is the so-called "National Museum". Ranked as the #1 Hardest Thing to Find EVER, and also affectionately known as 'That Big Ugly Thing'.
It is a set of ugly, mismatched buildings surrounding a baking hot parking lot shaped like Arnhem Land, with metal spikes set into it for children to impale themselves on. Conceptually, it's built around themes invented by some art student: 'togetherness', 'thrill', 'passion', 'dookie', 'things I found under the couch', and a couple of others.
The Museum stands on the site of an ancient Indian Burial Ground. Prior to the museum there used to be a public hospital, but the ACT Local Council symbolically demolished it. To this day a small gathering occurs on the anniversary of the "implosion" for a party.
That National Museum may, in fact, be the finest and longest-lasting act of satire perpetrated by the Howard Government. And that's saying something.
Garema Place and the Emo Farm[edit]
Garema Place is the most slum-like area of Canberra, with 87% of Canberrans calling it home, lucky them.
Also, while in the vicinity of Garema Place, be sure to avoid the regular drop-kicks there. Be sure to keep a can of capsicum spray on you, as these people think they're so important and significant that they might try and confront you and "explain" to you why you're not as "awesome" as they are.
You can find your local emos and 'scene' kids there, complaining about how normal people don't have lives, yet they are 19 and working at KFC for a living.
Old Parliament House[edit]
Known affectionately as 'that bloody ugly thing', it is known to be so white that it has burned out the eyes of numerous people. It was created during the peak of the 'White Australia Policy', which is obviously why it is so white (Prime Minister of the time James Scullin rejected the first design of a black sheep with a boomerang sticking out of its arse). Formerly surrounded by sheep and useless farmland, it now faces over Lake Shithole and the Abodiginal Tent Thing. But, of course, it isn't as bad or ugly as...
Parliament House[edit]
Or the "Monstrosity on the hill" is where our leaders and their staff make the country 'better' for us lowly peons. Around 47% of staff do nothing but wear the fact they work there as a badge of honour when at pub trivia nights in Kingston. Affairs, sleazy sexual encounters, smoko/coffee breaks and flirtations are commonplace whilst doing actual work is rare. Just like the APS, employment is not based on merit but nepotism or sexual attractiveness.
The job of the politicians in the green house is to pass on bills to the red one. Once a bill reaches the red house it will be debated not on its merits but because the opposing parties enjoy arguing. The red house is renowned for spending entire sitting periods arguing with each other without result.
Above the red house is the press gallery. In here you'll find all manner of strange people from alcoholic writers to stoner cameramen. Their job is to race down to one of the 8000 courtyards and interview Hulk Hogan prior to his annual parliamentary address and arm wrestle with the minister for sport.
Public transport[edit]
Canberra has the worst public transport in the world. If it's a Sunday and you need a bus from Woden to Tuggeranong you'll be waiting for six hours and then pay over $9000 (US) for the service only to have some guy missing two chromosomes curse you in latin for the entire trip.
Every three weeks or so what passes for the local newspaper says a tram and high speed rail network should be built in the City. The amount of money spent on "assessing" these projects so far has been calulated to equal the building of new track between Sydney and Canberra.
So for the forseeable future the better option is to jump in a taxi and then fare evade.
Australian National University[edit]
The only University in Australia to be established by legislation, because no academic in 1750 in their right mind would put a research university in a sheep paddock. Originally for research only, the philosophers failed to come up with a grand new scheme to replace money... hence their search for funding resulting in undergraduates been allowed in. A rich new revenue stream was found in fee paying international students who between six figure tuition cheques speed around campus in DC plated Audis with nSync blaring.
Much like West Side Story, the campus has two distinct gangs. On the one side are the Trots (short for "Trotskys") who belong to the Socialist Alliance. Dishevelled, wearing 70s style cardigans and moe (even the women) whose dorms feature posters of Gorbachev in a Farah Fawcett pose. They implore students to abolish all on campus dining in favour of a single outlet dispensing Soy-lent Green. On the other side are the SlICKs (slicks who 99% of students are sick of), the student politicians, minority campaigners and social climbers who shout much while saying little, all while waving a business card or flyer at whoever will listen. Their future road map of mediocrity in community organisations and as advisors to second tier MPs in the Labor Party is a given. The latter is recognisable by their gang colours (bright, cheap t-shirts with slogans printed), insincere greetings and alcoholism disguised as campaigning.
Alexander Maconochie Centre[edit]
A home away from home, conveniently located on a major highway with unsecured car parking and nearby heliport with Bell 206 on 24hr call. Also 40 inch plasma tv's in each cell with a king single bed, shower, kitchen and a full set of kitchen knives.
Public Servants[edit]
There are also a lot of Public Servants (affectionately known as 'Pubes'), who you can annoy the hell out of if you know their phone number. All you need to do is call them up around 6pm-7:30pm, and try to sell them a holiday in a thick Indian accent.
Public servants can be identified by their "Australian Government" ID passes. They are frequently observed loudly discussing the time that they replied to an email from a minister, demonstrating their importance and relevance to the democratic system. Another fun way to annoy them is to point out that displaying their passes in public is a security breach as most wear them as a fashion statement.
Public servants often enter the public service through graduate programs, providing a job to recently graduated students who could not find employment in the private sector. By prioritising hiring towards students, it is ensured that the culture and productivity of the public service is never soiled by anyone with real world managerial or business experience. Graduates can be identified by their proclaiming "I'm an APS 4 but I do the work of an EL1" when introducing themselves at pub trivia nights.
Between meetings, email, training, morning tea, lunch, and afternoon tea it is commonly accepted a high performing public servant performs between 8 and 10 minutes of actual work per week.
A common tourist attraction in Canberra is to spot the much rarer subspecies of the public servants: the ACT Public Servants. Like spotting a rare and tiny marsupial in the bush, spotting an ACT Public servant, who are normally shy and rarely leave the cafe district, is a particularly difficult task.
Looked down upon by those in vitally important Federal jobs, ACT public servants work for the Territory's Government and its myriad of unnecessary departments (known everywhere else as a local council). Many flee persecution and migrate to the other side of the lake following whispers of higher pay packets and job satisfaction. The local mayor, sorry, Chief Minister had authorised millions of dollars of the ACT budget be poured into retention of those who chose to remain or were simply left behind. But everybody knew Captain Underpants was best suited to jumping out of helicopters to rescue downed pilots (true story), not making visionary policy decisions.
Many public servants spend all their weekends and spare time somewhere else other than Canberra. The rest masturbate over their degree in between meeting up for coffee with potential dates.
Parks and Gardens[edit]
Parks are becoming a rarity these days with so much construction sprouting around that it's hard to spot a tree that isn't in the process of being chopped down to make way for "innovation". Beware that what passes for a 'park' in Canberra is what most people would describe as a paddock, replete with vandalized playgrounds, un-mowed grass and ant nests. Vegetation in parks and gardens in Canberra is invariably wilting or dead. The only perennially green things in Canberra are the fume-belching buses.
Bogan Moths[edit]
Every summer, bogans fly up from the south in their millions and die pitifully in the glare of the spotlights at Regatta Point and Parliament House. Annoying, but not dangerous. In fact, a traditional food of the Ngnunnawal people. Try one - I dare you!
UniLodge[edit]
A grey concrete prison home to social misfits kicked out of home, political derelicts and foreign exchange students. The latter appreciate numerous cheap noodle bars and crowded living conditions that feel just like home. Broke and bored, they find solace in cheap booze, cheap music and are easy targets for local retailers needing cheap labour. Rumours of cannibalism persist as rents leave little money for food. During O-Week, the hallways adopt the character of the outback highways in Mad Max as horny armed gangs speed through the halls on Segways in search of drunk, scantily clad residents in the wee hours.
Though UniLodge men have a propensity to dress in women's clothing and fairy wings and local political power brokers are often seen leaving via a fire escape incognito in dark sunglasses around 3am, residents still take pride in not succumbing to many of the problems plaguing older campus residences. John XXIII College, a Catholic residential college for example is known to experience outbreaks of AFDSRC (Alcohol Fueled Drunken Sex Resulting in Crabs) Syndrome. Epidemiologists at the John Curtin School of Medicine and lost, horny post-grads from Burgmann note that these outbreaks are seasonal, occurring around O-Week and exams. They have identified the need though for further empirical research into the transmission vectors and risk factors.
KIO[edit]
The KIO, also known as Katter Intelligence Organisation though in reality a designation that's an oxymoron. Represents the intelligence branch (sic) of the mighty paramilitary forces ("Gendarmerie boganale") based in central Queensland belonging to Bob Katter. The KIO station chief can be recognised with the crude pumper sticker on their car featuring the latin maxim "No taxius, no thinkus, no poofus".
In addition to collecting intelligence on those lefty elements at the ANU and who reside in Unilodge, they are believed to be scouting for a location near the ANU Queerspace to open a rival "Straight Space" showcasing Katter's true vision. A vision of four guys standing around drinking XXXX stubbies in their underwear while chanting "nothing sus, nothing sus, nothing sus".
Ursula Hall[edit]
A statement to Soviet-inspired leftie architecture (that is, it looks like a slum in Vladivostok), Ursula Hall was recently awarded a unique honour amongst Australian university accommodation: Ugliest Hall/College Population! Due to dramatic changes in equality legislation it was declared that only ugly students would be accepted into Ursula Hall. This affirmative action policy has been hailed a repulsive success! The hall can declare a number of great ugly people amongst its alumni, such as Fatty O'Barrel, king of Sydney and empress of New South Wales.
Johns XXIII[edit]
Bacon*, yummy chewy smokey bacon*! If you park your car it will be on it when you get back. Open your dorm room, it will be there. Flush the toilet and bacon* will appear.
- May be raw and still in original packaging.
Burgmann[edit]
Known across Canberra by phrases such as, "Jeeves!", "Daddy has the money", and "But did you not go to Knox[/Kings/Grammar/Sydney Boys High/Shore]?" They've quickly earnt a reputation as soft. Most are postgraduates who seem to never work a real job, instead choosing to study degree after degree on the government dime while driving the Lexus daddy bought them to bribe them to move out. Residents are generally sexually repressed, with the internet bandwidth usage noticeable lower than other residence on campus. In fact it's the only residence not to cause the filter appliance in the ANU Data Centre to overheat at some point during O-Week as newbies download MPEGs while searching for answers to questions like "which way does it go", "how does it fit", "what if it breaks", "what if it's late" and WTF... child support?"
A room on the third level was once used to shoot an adult film prior to regulation in 1992. Following regulation and with the rise of webcam technology, it is now home to the 3rd largest adult film industry in the world behind Los Angeles and Miami. Content is largely available on private labels via P2P.
Pubs and 7-Elevens[edit]
Trying to find a pub in Canberra is like trying to find a politician who is not on a coffee break. Canberrans don't like to air their Cardonnay box out in public, classic Canberrans can be found creeping around in alleyways, slinking into non-descript doorways marked "VB" and "Coopers Ale". Travellers take note, all signs marked "XXXX" on any visible road does not stand for a beer that is made in Queensland.
There is a rainbow on the horizon though, all good corner stores and every 7-Eleven in sight can serve your beverage requirements. You can take a quick trip for 2 litres of milk and get some brandy to put in it without ever having to bump into your neighbours.
NOTE: There is no need for 7 - elevens. Canberra's night time food options have exploded in recent years. Now Canberra has the choice of 24 hour Macdonald’s, dirty over priced food vans and Civic pizza slice Vendors. These high quality establishments provide low quality food well past its expiration date. Keeping the food down is a big challenge. Plus the 5 litres of alcohol that is usually consumed before this. Just another dirty night out in Canberra
Leaf Blowers[edit]
Every household in Canberra has a leaf blower, since only Las Vegas needs to save electricity. There is nothing better than on a Sunday afternoon driving round the suburbs watching the blower wars in progress.
Kangaroos[edit]
Almost every golf course and grass land in Canberra is plagued with large packs of killer kangaroos. These kangaroos can often be seen on the driving range of every golf course so as to receive an evening dose of the 'golf ball to the head'. As with almost every kangaroo in Australia, these carnivorous kangaroos are able to deliver lethal kicks to there prey. The boss kangaroos or 'pimp' kangaroos are often seen flexing their large pectoral muscles at nearby onlookers.
What you really shouldn't do[edit]
Interchanges[edit]
Hang around any bus interchange and you will be beaten up by bogans from the private schools that specialise in educating kids through practical teaching raping, knifing, murdering, arson, mugging, burglary and general boganness.
Understandably, this is considered the ideal entry point into Australian politics.
Night Life[edit]
Civic[edit]
Civic - If it's not bad enough that a suburb is named after a car which is driven by old ladies, it where the lowest common denominator congregates every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. Those with sense avoid it but finding young people with sense in Canberra is like searching for a condom machine in the Vatican. With a vast sprawl of horrendous nightclubs filled with psuedo-drinkers looking for a fight you'll find a night out in Civic a refined and enlightening experience. The sight of fat, orange scantily clad young girls and their beefcake boyfriends stumbling around aimlessly, vomiting, may trick you into thinking you've somehow stumbled into the Jersey Shore. However, be warned, these people have about double the aggression and half the intelligence or charisma of "Snooki" or " The Situation" so do not be surprised if you end your night with a broken nose because you glanced vaguely in the direction of a Mooseheads patron, girls included.
Arguably the culmination of all that is wrong with young people in Australia, Civic is truly a sickening experience.
Skyfire[edit]
The annual fireworks show put on by Canberra's local bogan radio station 104.7. Since its beginnings in 1989 as a way to decrease the local stray dog population, Skyfire has become a vital part of the local wine industry's business model; it is believed that every year on average 10,000L of "goon" [alcoholic grape juice sold in cartons or bags known as "goonsacks"] is consumed at Skyfire mostly by the vastly underage. It is also a great time for the federal police to fill their arrest quotas with "hektik kunts"[sic], and for girls to lose their virginity to a bush in Commonwealth Park.
Industry[edit]
The principal industries in Canberra are politics, public service, pornography, pyrotechnics, pot and prostitution - the "Six P's" as they are known.
The disreputable nature of the first two cause considerable embarrassment to those in them. Most who are in politics will pretend they're in the public service, and in turn those in the public service will pretend they're in pornography. At political gatherings it's common to see everyone going around saying, "Oh, I'm a pornographer, I just dabble in politics".
There is also money to be made out of minority groups and protesters who are hilarious to watch, as Canberra is boring and they are different.
When entering Canberra you will notice that there is no peak-hour. There are really no people in general. Because of its high concentration of IT related business. And cyclists. The A.C.T Government has sought to address this problem by funding the $85 Million Dollar Glenloch Traffic Jam to give Canberra a peak hour to bring it inline with other Australian Cities.
Less Notable Locations/Districts[edit]
Belconnen[edit]
Affectionately known by locals as Belcompton", Belco, or Belc, varying upon the individuals comfort level with polysyllabic terms.
Attractions include a shopping centre full of shops you don't want to go to, and a "market" whose only service is to bombard you with the incomprehensible shouts of raging Italian men trying to intimidate you into buying fruit. It is important to remember that when walking through the markets that any attempt to steal fruit will be met with death by fat, hairy Italians. This fate is often considered similar to asphyxiation by burial alive simply because of the volume of body hair that one will inadvertently inhale.
It is located near a rather quaint and beautiful lake. That is, it would be quaint and beautiful if it were not filled with algae, weeds, dead swans and shopping trolleys.
Another notable attraction is the Bunnings Hardware Warehouse, a store so large that it can house the entire town of Belconnen in which it is located. It is predicted that one day in hundreds of years, scientists will think that this was an ancient place of worship. Based upon the large number of locals who frequent regularly on the weekend, this may be an accurate assumption.
City Centre[edit]
Affectionately known by the locals as "Crud". Apart from the best shopping in the ACT, Civic has the best collection of clubs Canberra has to offer - which isn't saying a lot. Civic is well known for its late night stabbings and muggings. To witness one of these, or to even be a part of it all, call your local travel agent and ask for a table at Mooseheads on a Saturday night. Or just go to Glebe Park between the hours of 6pm and 4am. Be sure to wear a pink collared shirt and drink lots of beer to heighten the experience.
During the day the city centre is filled with bludging public servants either on a three hour lunch break or a one hour coffee break. The majority can be picked because they are female, talking about the clothes they just bought with their obscenely large paycheque and saying the word "like" repeatedly. These people are at least semi-attractive, that being the only prerequisite required to enter the public service apart from nepotism.
Between charity collectors, religious loons, and Big Issue salespeople rarely can one walk through this shithole without being accosted
Braddon[edit]
Affectionately known by locals as "the wannabe Melbourne of Canberra". Plagued with hipsters you can't miss it even if you wanted to.
Parliamentary Triangle[edit]
You came to see the monuments, democracy in action and all that? There it is. Now go home - we don't want you here. We have to read all the lies you put in your tax return every year, so we don't want to run into you around our workplaces.
Lake Burley Griffin[edit]
Full of blue-green algae, shopping trolleys, porn and fireworks, a few dead fish and, on occasion, rowers. You could try go scuba diving under the King's Bridge, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, sure to give you nightmares for years.
Weston Creek[edit]
Weston Creek is where urban planners who have been bad spend an eternity. The centre of Weston is a shopping centre called Cooleman court. Hang around after the centre closes and you'll probably get mugged and beaten up by sixteen year old skater dudes. If you're looking for more trouble head to the Irish Club just up the road. More commonly called the I-Row. Every night's a fight night at this venue. Plus most of the females at this venue have been hit by the Ugly bus at least 3 or 4 times (please see public transport above for an example of an Ugly bus).
If you're visiting the area, a must see is the local Weston Creek Flasher. Commonly seen along Streeton Dr this flasher is hilarious. He has the funniest looking body you'll ever see. Sort of a cross between John Howard and Susan Boyle. Usually he travels up and down the street in a crappy BMW.
Dickson[edit]
Bogan, Asian, Prostitute and Public Housing hotspot. Prides itself on an extensive network of run down houses and shops that appear to be closed all the time.Seems the urban planners have steered clear from this end of town.
Gungahlin[edit]
The failed urban planners, after their disastrous efforts to imitate Burley Griffin's design had long fled this area. They have since moved to Weston Creek, where their failure was much less substantial. Gungahlin features thousands of roundabouts, from those little ones with a dying shrub in the middle to larger ones with a massive post in the middle. The urban planners promised a roundabout within 50m of every home, and within 20m of every home not facing a main street. Driving at any speed over 5 kilometres per hour, or incidentally the speed of walking, will induce vomiting and a headache which will last an entire day.
However, this has attracted the attention of NASA, who after scouting the world for the most substantial cluster of roundabouts, have recently sent future astranauts to be driven at 150km/h along Gungahlin's streets. It was reported that NASA was content with the outcome. After experiencing acceleration from -10 to 10 g' (g' is the Gungahlin unit, equal to 10 times the acceleration induced by gravity on earth), astronauts (who had survived without significant psychological trauma) have become almost unaffected by the acceleration of the spacecraft when leaving and reentering earth.
Another emphasis the urban planners had was to create the most awesome maze in the world, much like those found in the Gardens of Versailles, except the hedges are replaced by houses, and the experience of trying to get out is painful instead of fun. Some features of their design are suburbs with streets that always go back to meet itself; one way streets directed away from the way out of Gungahlin, and square roundabouts near the town centre. These have indeed have had an effect on Gungahlin's demographics and population, with the all of the small surviving group having cognitive and reasoning abilities above the 95th national percentile.
In 2006, a terrorist who had tried to bomb Parliament House and escaped 300 AFP and Special forces officers hunting him down. After throwing them all off and creating the biggest joke about the ability of the AFP, he entered Gungahlin where he could not find an way out. After 2 weeks trying to find a way out, starved and emotionally depleted, he blew himself up on the banks of Yerribi Pond. It was on then that the manhunt was declared over.
Woden[edit]
Affectionately known by locals as "Woe-fo" or "South Central" or "The Den of Woe". Most people in Canberra believe Woden to be somewhat like El Dorado or Shangri-La, not in that it is rich and beautiful even though it is, but more so in that it is a fanciful bedtime story told to little children to warn them about the dangers of excessive crack smoking. Woden is named after the Anglo-Saxon god of death. Woden Bus interchange is the social hub for local youths who sit around chain smoking, shoplifting from the mall and fighting. These fights may be very entertaining for a tourist, if your interests include watching two fourteen year old female bush pigs tear each others extensions out, while their prams sit idly to the side, babies and all. Other inhabitants of the interchange include shouting junkies, awkward disabled people and the occasional shocked and appalled elderly person. Its principle landmarks are a cemetery, hospital and heaps of prolifers: which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the place.
Forrest[edit]
Full of big time wankers in Audis and BMWs. The rich and famous people of Canberra live in this exclusive suburb. Each home or 'mansion' is three or four stories high and all have massive gardens (this is because most of them are Embassies, dumbass). Undoubtedly the nicest and most flourishing suburb of Canberra. Home to the owner of a local hang out for politicians who was so bad at underpaying his staff, the Federal Court caught him underpaying his own daughter while funnelling money to his bankrupt wife! Such a shame it is full of pretentious wankers...
Hackett[edit]
For the most part, the suburb of Hackett is about as fun as watching paint dry. However Hackett is internationally famous for being home to the Grayson estate, a World Heritage listed eshay and druggo habitat. The Grayson estate attracts visitors from around the world hoping to catch a glimpse of these facinating species in their natural habitat. The current prime minister, Tony Abbott, cut funding from the eshay breeding program (otherwise known as the Baby Bonus) so mating season is not quite the spectacle it once was. Sir David Attenborough came to Grayson in 1979 to produce a documentary on the exotic species found within its vast parkland.
Civic Pool[edit]
Where "teenie boppers" spend most of their summer holidays. After jumping off the 10m platform, they immediately go home and update their Facebook status to "jumped off the 10m at civic". Civic pool is made up of 90% urine and 10% undefined dickson boys spend all year working out so that they can get hot at civic pool and go shirtless...aka Mick Reid
Tuggeranong[edit]
Tuggeranong is the southernmost centre of Canberra. Covering 19 suburbs you'll find a standard cross section of the not metioned on the news Canberran society, from high viz wearing alcoholics to complete wastes of oxygen living in government housing.
A visitor to this area may notice the high number of red tiled rooftops, which glare blindingly under the Canberra sun as brightly as the Red Rooster (Red Rooter) sign. Tuggeranong's most exciting attraction to date is the, perhaps optimistically named, 'Hyperdome' that sits as a Citadel within this bogan civilization. Tuggeranong's famed for its high density of fast food cuisine giving the valley a slightly greasy, salty air that is only perforated by the smell of goon.
When traveling to Tuggeranong (Thuggers-as affectionately its referred to by its residents) you can play fun games such as: How Many Cars Have A Sponsored by Centrelink sticker, Spot how Many 14 Year Old Girls Aren't Having Their Father's Third Born, Chop the Rats Tail or Yell at the Asian McDonalds Worker Who is 5th Generation Drive Thru.
If you are coming down off oxycodone a good place to wake up is West Kambah. Make sure you ignore the sounds of Eazy-E's "Boyz in the hood" blaring from guvvy shanties and find one of the many front yard bath tubs for a well deserved wash in six month old rain water. Once cleansed, steal a VP Commodore and head over to Chisholm. Chisholm is the cultural capital of south Canberra and its here that you'll truly understand all that is wrong with society.
Fyshwick[edit]
Fyshwick has been identified by the EPA as an area of significant concern given the high concentrations of latex and PVC.
During the day, Fyshwick is a hub of vans, busy car yards and the DFO or Dirty Fucken Outlet - this place is filled with wandering neanderthals aimlessly staggering around looking for something they don't need to buy. When the sun sets the only places left open are the brothels that employ illegal immigrants from all over Asia and the servo on the corner. A good night out in Fyshwick requires a gutfull of booze then a cab to a selected brothel to be charged $200 for half an hour when the hookers sister in Thailand does it for $6 and she'll stay with you and your mates for two days.
Marist College Canberra[edit]
The epitome of faggotry, Marist College is nestled between an entire block of car dealerships on the left, and Melrose High School on the right. It is still unknown which of the two are sleazier. Neighbors aside, Marist is known for its rabid man-hating staff, mediocre sports teams, and the constantly changing names of their houses due to sexual assault allegations. Since 1990, Marist's houses have undergone over two dozen name changes due to controversy, including Cosby, Spacey, Greer, Tekashi 6ix 9ine and R. Kelly House. Anal penetration aside, Marist's claim to fame is its rap talent. Over the years, the College has yielded a plethora of Soundcloud rappers, including Kid Asphyxia, Yung Boiz and the aptly named Sodomy Crew. If you value your anus, keep a wide berth from this place.
Reputation[edit]
Canberra's reputation is built on the back of other Australians with absolutely no clue about their capital city. Most have never been there but are self-proclaimed experts on the place. When not sleeping or eating, they devote their time to bashing Canberra and its population. They take great pride in hating the place and telling their friends how horrible it would be to live there. When their friends ask about the last time they visited Canberra, they quickly tell them they have never visited and would never go there. According to most other Australians, Canberra is completely full of public servants. This presents one of Canberra's biggest mystery's. If everyone is a Public Servant, who is working at the petrol stations? Who is driving the public buses and taxis? Who is collecting the garbage, working in the hospitals, coffee shops, restaurants, newsagencies and Bunnings? Most other Australians are stumped by those questions.