Darth Vader
“No Vader; I am your father.”
Darth Vader is a hard-line, Force-fearing, pro-life, red lightsaber-wielding Star Wars villain who at one point cornered the market on hyphens. Originally named Anakin Skywalker, he whined and complained a lot, until he fell into the galaxy's luckiest lava pit, which made him a foot taller, turned him into a cyborg, and dropped his voice several octaves. Until Lando, Vader was the only black guy in the galaxy, which is why he used the word "master" so much. After realizing Skywalker was just his artificial womb's slave name, Vader briefly took the last name of "X", before realizing it lacked the established brand name recognition. Anakin was a decorated hero of a war few people understand, whom rose from humble beginnings and overcame great physical disability, who was present at most of the turning points of history; he was pretty much an evil Forrest Gump.
According to Vader's Encyclopedia Galactica entry by Dark Lord of the Librarians Exar Kun, Anakin was given his freedom from slavery and race car driving license at age 9, when he was just a child robot-killer; was a bodyguard Padawan unable to see windows at 19; was a Jedi Knight at 22; was an adult, cyborg, child-killer from ages 22 until his death at 45, when he had a sudden change of heart and sacrificed himself to save the galaxy; and was a Force Ghost from ages 45 to infinity. Unfortunately, Vader sold his soul for power, and was traded by Emperor Lucas to Mickey Mouse for four billion credits, once again a white slave in Lucas's own words.
Biography
Early life
Anakin was born to Schmee Skywalker when she saw a shooting star and wished she had a real boy to call her own. You see, in Star Wars, there's no hanky-panky; the stork delivers and decants all consumer-class children in artificial wombs to their parents. It's a good thing he wasn't made by a Sith Lord creating life with the Force, because good ol'-fashioned fantasy violence is PG-13, but impregnating someone without their consent magically is rated R for rape. This is a kids' movie about war, remember; there can't be child-murdering, kids handling weapons, kids driving without a license, domestic violence, slavery, suggested rape, suggested spice-smuggling, shooting first, amputation, gun running, or implied alien holocausts.
Anakin's childhood was spent hard at work in a sweatshop run by a CGI Jewish mosquito named Watto, whom Anakin in his Christ like compassion forgave for the whole slavery thing. Here he learned how to make shoddy electronic knockoffs of mass-produced products, like C-3POs, iPodracers, telepathy-blocking brain implants, child-sized infantry helemts, and artificial wombs. That's really all anyone really knows about his childhood seeing as all the comics that detailed that period of time are no longer canon and Disney avoids the prequel period like the plague.
Episode I: The Phantom Fetus
Then one day, in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Fetus, Anakin's ship came in the form of cultists: Queen Padmé Amidala, her Jedi servants Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, astromech droid R2-D2, and Jar Jar Binks, a CGI Jamaican amphibian who owed the Jedi a life debt. These kidnappers had made a pit-stop during their galactic road trip to restock Darth Dew and bantha jerky, and would become Anakin's new family. Apparently the Force can't diffuse a bomb inside someone, and Padme didn't want to sell her ship to buy a cheaper one, so Qui-Gon gambles their ship for the boy's life in a podrace. After an impressive high-speed race sequence through the desert, it would all be downhill from here...
At the time, the decadent Jedi Council employed castratos in their symphony for that angelic pitch only Younglings could reach. Grand Master Yoda, a CGI African-American goblin who speaks in a slurred manner, says that since Anakin is already outside of the artificial womb, he is too old to train as a Jedi. To prove himself, Anakin steals a Naboo starfighter and brings to the Council the toaster-heads of countless droids, before cutting off his pinky to prove his loyalty to Boss Yoda. Qui-Gon intends to teach Anakin the secrets of the Force and the yaqui way of knowledge, but although the Force is a powerful ally, so is datura and mescalito. Unfortunately Qui-Gon sees the Devil during a bad trip and OD'ds, while rent boy Obi-Wan Kenobi is passed out from shooting up heroin through his lightsaber needle, leaving Obi-Wan to raise the boy in the mystic arts.
Episode II: The Time War
In Episode II: The Time War, Anakin's grown up fast — about three times faster than everyone else around him, as now he is played by a different actor, and his old royal babysitter Padmé can have the hots for him without feeling guilty now that they're both over 18. However, she's a rich senator and he's her peasant bodyguard with magic powers, so it would never work out between them. But it would be hot, like sand. Anakin thinks about sand a lot, how it's rough and coarse and gets everywhere, and how no one treats him like a grown up just because he whines incessantly. Anakin is also in a strained/bitchy relationship with his master Obi-Wan, and is now best friends with Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine, who unbeknownst to him is actually Sith Lord/Separatist leader Darth Sidious, who is trying to seduce the hormonal boy to the Dark Side.
When assassination attempts are made on Padmé's life, Obi-Wan heads off on a wild goose chase to find the culprit, leaving Anakin and Padmé to their own devices on Naboo. Anakin and Padmé's idyllic picnicking is interrupted visions of Anakin's mother which lead them to her death side on Tatooine, and Anakin commences the slaughter of dozens of innocent Sand Children, which is covered up by the nightly HoloNet news on the Chancellor's request. Luckily Padme is a hypocrite when it comes to being a war protester and forgets about the massacre, though at this point she realizes Anakin is intellectually disabled and a psychopath, why else would he fall in love with a woman who could have freed his mother from slavery at any time by buying her with the money from one of the Naboo palace's many expensive statues or putting Watto in one of those exploding collars and making him an offer he can't refuse? Anakin and Padmé then travel to Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan after he is captured by the Separatists, CGI Asian amphibians who wish to secede from the Republic. Upon arrival, they realize neither one of them has any skill at sneaking as they get caught and are thrown into a gladiatorial arena with Obi-Wan for the amusement of the Separatists and some CGI insects.
Miraculously, a Senate full of thousands of alien species are convinced by Senator Jar Jar Binks to endorse an exclusively-human private army of clone troopers trained to operate beyond the Republic or the Jedi's oversight. Just as Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Padmé are about to be sacrificed to the space lions for their faith in the Force, they are rescued by what Imperial historians describe as Mace Windu's gang of 100 Jedi and 200,000 clones, beginning the Clone Wars. Anakin had lost his hand flashing Jedi gang signs to Separatist leader Count Dooku and killed a bunch of bugs and toaster-headed robots; he used the latter to replace his arm with a cybernetic one, and even gave some toaster-droid corpses to Padmé as a gift on their wedding night.
Clone Wars
The Clone Wars were easily the best years of Anakin's life. Not only did he not murder any villages of Sand People, lose a hand, or assault his pregnant wife, but Obi-Wan finally started to treat him like an adult because he stopped complaining. Anakin still remembers dismantling evil appliances with his snarky apprentice Ahsoka "Snips" Tano (who inexplicably disappeared and was forgotten by Anakin by the time of Episode III) and Obi-Wan, the way one might look back fondly at playing college sports. Yup, those were good times; whoever said war was hell and didn't make one great had no idea what they were talking about. Good times...
Episode III: It's Poetry!
In Episode III: It's Poetry!, Anakin is troubled by visions of his wife potentially dying in childbirth. He learns that his best bud Palpatine might have been the blue fairy that brought him to life, and is the only person who knows how to save lives that wasn't CGI or a robot. Anakin is Jedi mind-tricked using the psychology of hand-waving hypnotism, and like a zombie accepts the Chancellor's poorly-constructed arguments for joining the Dark Side, despite the lack of any evidence that the Dark Side is actually capable of saving loved ones. He chooses not to simply give Padmé an abortion or use an artificial womb, because all the artificial wombs in the Republic got an STD computer virus, and an abortion is an automatic R rating, same as a miscarriage caused by having your limbs chopped off and falling into a pit of lava. After helping Sheev defenestrate Jedi Master Mace Windu with lightning, Anakin is knighted as Palpy's Sith apprentice Darth Vader, and starts going goth by murdering children and cowardly amphibian Asian Separatists, wearing yellow eye contacts, and dressing in all-black. This movie about slaughtering monk kids and Asian frogs is for children, remember?
Later, after Anakin finishes up killing the Separatist leaders on the lava planet Mustafar, Obi-Wan and Padmé appear on the scene and attempt to convince Anakin that violence is never the answer, especially not for medical problems. Enraged that his Master makes a better Jesus figure than him, Anakin performs a third-trimester abortion on his wife, Force-choking her into unconsciousness even though he was trying to save her for the past two hours. Obi-Wan and Anakin then fight a nine-minute boss battle in the third level of Dante's Inferno; at the end of the duel, Obi-Wan jumps from a platform up to a steeper embankment, and Anakin arrogantly follows, forgetting that the high ground gives you a +1 Agility bonus. Able to telepathically feel the suffering of souls lightyears away, Obi-Wan shows his apprentice the Jedi's morally superior philosophy of mercy by cutting him down into a flaming stump and letting him sizzle. No one is really sure why Obi-Wan did this instead of just ending it there, nor do galactic historians know how a whiny bitch who threw tantrums could turn into a total badass that remains calm while being shocked by thousands of volts of electricity.
What Obi-Wan forgot was that Anakin had earned enough points opening cans of robot and serving up sand people, bugs, amphibian Asian businessmen, and his wife to gain an extra life. Sheev rescues Anakin and rebuilds him as a black armor-clad samurai cyborg, completing his slow transition into Darth Vader, and together they rule the newly-formed Galactic Empire.
The moral of this contrived two-hour-long story: clerical celibacy is all that prevents priests from using their magic powers for personal gain. That the Jedi Church ordained women is nothing short of amazing; if this is what marriage does to them, it's a good thing Luke never ended up tying the knot, or else everyone in the galaxy would've died for some convoluted reason.
Imperial politics
After weeks of extensive microsurgeries and cybernetic physical therapy, Darth realized his days of murdering a bunch of children in a temple and choking his pregnant wife were behind him. Recovering from his sports injuries, Vader emerged a new man, having become a born-again Sith after being baptized in lava. Traumatized by the horrors of pregnancy, Vader would never again endanger the life of one of the lifeless, mass-produced artificial wombs used to make the Jedi's army of disposable, child soldier orphans. Although he could just clone himself, kill the clone, and transplant his majesty's midi-chlorian-filled organs, the Dark Lord of the Sith was a masochistic goth, and preferred being in constant pain, as long as it also meant being voiced by James Earl Jones instead of being whiny.
In The Dark Lord's Speech, Vader conquers his lava trauma-induced speech impediment and tearfully testifies before the Empire. He says the Jedi and the Republic were the ones who used orphan factories, and even the Separatists at least had the moral decency to use robot factories. Despite rumors, there is no photographic evidence of the Empire having any child clone slaves, genocides against gay robots, alien apartheid, clone trooper employment discrimination, or disability architecture code violations. Like Toyomoti Hideyoshi, at the end o