Fundamentalism

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Fundamentalism is the most absolutely right point-of-view in existence. In fact, it is actually the only point of view that anybody has, except for a few (meaning: most of the planet) heathenistic Satan-worshipping infidels, but their opinions don't count for anything (similar to women and Gay people).

Fundamentalism in Practice

Fundamentalism is fun AND mental!

“This joke made me feel more humiliated on another page”

~ Osama bin Laden on Being Mocked

“I know what you mean, it's so great having someone who really understands me. I love you Osama”

~ L. Ron Hubbard on Being Mocked

“In fundamentalist Russia, Sinner stones YOU!!”

~ Fundamentalist Russia on biblical law

It primarily involves finding a piece of writing that you love so much that you could never imagine being without it, and sticking it up your fundament. It may hurt, it may lead to painful side affects, but there is nothing more praiseworthy than someone with the word of God so deeply lodged in them that even medical science would have a hard time removing it!

FREDDY PHELPS! READ THE NEW BOOK Go Ask Fred Phelps.

History

Fundamentalism was engineered by Presbyterian theologians at Princeton in a desperate attempt to reanimate Christianity, after tyrannical mad scientists started refurbishing all the churches into natural history museums. The ZombieJesus virus spread quicker than clap on a college campus, eventually mutating into strains capable of infecting other denominations, becoming a global pandemic epicentered in America. (Deep breath) I mean...Fundamentalism has no official history, because it has always existed and always will exist because it is right (There, I said it, now put down the sword...please?). Something can only have history if it falls within the boundaries of time, and since rightness is eternal, there can be no history. However, some history has occurred. Around 2000 years ago some character with long hair from Israel claimed that maybe God loves everyone, luckily justice prevailed and he would never again disturb the peace thanks to capital punishment. In retrospect they probably should have given him life in prison though, because after serving out his death sentence he was back on the street a mere 3 days later.

Fundamentalism Today

Fundamentalism is embodied today by such absolutely righteous organizations such as Islam and the Mormon Church. In recent years, Satan has been attracting more people to his evil position, but God hates them anyways so they will all burn in hell. People like George W. Bush and Fred Phelps are leading modern-day crusades to expand the absolutely, undoubtfully right truth that is Fundamentalism.

Fundamentalists Love Tolerance

Fundamentalists, or fundies as the like to be called, love everybody on this God-created Earth. They especially love new ideas and scientifically proven concepts, especially evolution (see Hell), which all of them believe should certainly not be shoved down the throats of small school children along with Intelligent Design and Creationism, but, rather, be presented as the best scientific theory for the origin of life. In that sense, these so-called "fundies" believe fully-heartedly that God has commanded them to be respectful of other people's beliefs and refrain from bringing disagreements to the Supreme Court. It is also well-known that they love to engage in intelligent discussion of controversial issues. Their primary form of communication is speaking in tongues (ooogaboogacadooga), which they believe is the ideal language for debate. They are known for being quite talented in the field of linguistics as well.

Fundamentalism and Hypocrisy

Some Satan-worshipping foolish infidels (who will certainly burn in Hell) have started to spread the ridiculous view that Fundamentalists (a.k.a. God's servants on Earth) are somewhat hypocritical about some issues. This is about as true as Scientology. As with most issues, fundamentalists always wish to protect the unborn life (if they are not gay), but obviously you want to execute those bloody drug dealers and murderers? Their logic: The Word (i.e., the Bible) says so.

Fundamentalists are also known for ragging on Catholics and, well, everyone else for being too dogmatic and legalistic, yet have no issue with telling the majority of the world's population that they are going to Hell to burn for eternity. 10 out of 9 fundamentalists see no logical flaw in this practice. 10 out of 10 fundamentalists spend at least four hours per day with their own fists deep within their asses, because God said it felt good.

Fundamentalism today.

Random Facts About Fundamentalists

• They are always correct, or if not they blow themselves up to make people believe they are.
• They are good at making bombs but not much else.
• They have one book in their houses. Unfortunately, most of them are illiterate
• History dictates that they are shit at predicting the end of the world.
• Despite being the most immoral people on earth; they are, in their view the most moral people in all the galaxies.
• Secretly they all want to see what it's like in the butt.
• Because of their homophobia, they have bad haircuts, regard polyester as a proper fabric, have ghastly colour co-ordination and don't think inbreeding is wrong
• They have frequent nightmares about being chased down darkened corridors by (deep breath) giant African-American socialist climate change believer lesbian feminist death metal devils with sharpened pitchforks (or whatever variant is natural for other contexts than the United States).