Toxic Sludge

“Mmmm..., Free Goo..”

~ Homer Simpson on Goo

“Black goo makes the best black people!”

~ white dude on black goo

Extremely rare naturally occurring white dog goo.

Toxic Man, by Anton. Toxic Man "fell into toxic waste", and came out with toxic powers. He also has the ability to handily store daggers in his shoulder-blade.

Toxic sludge in its widest sense is a type of sludge which is primarily toxic. Toxic sludge has many useful properties, but it is perhaps most well-known as the substance which gives superheroes their powers. In some strange, depraved countries, toxic sludge may be considered a delicacy.

Toxic sludge has been found in the majority of McDonalds "kitchens". However, the health inspectors who found the sludge were victims of Mc"Accidents" before they were able to report the sludge.

Properties

Toxic sludge is a viscous, sticky substance, varying in colour from jet black to slime green. It is highly radioactive, but on some occasions, humans can become super-powered if they are covered in it (usually from head-to-toe, as a result of road accident). After contamination, some lucky specimens are able to see through opaque objects, fly, or perhaps just run a bit faster than before. Most others die slow and painful deaths. This seemingly random and unexplained dual nature is at odds with all scientific analysis of the substance, which regards it as both toxic and sludge, and as of 2007, no explanation has come to fruition as to why toxic sludge can be so beneficial.

Goo as a toy

Toxic sludge is composed mainly of old bacon fat, radioactive waste, and flat Coke (the Coke gives it the distinctive dark colour). Some toxic sludge may also contain traces of nuts, and in more than one occasion a human has become super-powered, only to die seconds later of anaphylactic shock.

Al Gore advertising toxic sludge before it was banned.

Production

Toxic sludge is a by-product created from the production of crisps. Once the potatoes have been crispified (by a process called crispification), a black, liquid substance is left at the bottom of the vat. A major health scare abounded in the 90s, when it turned out that the black, burnt-flavoured crips sometimes found in the bottom of a bag had been contaminated by toxic sludge, although such small amounts cannot harm a normal human (small children and women may suffer fatal death). An effort was made to remove all such toxi-crisps (as dubbed by the media), but some still may surface in down-market crisp snacks such as Space Invaders, Seabrook Crisps and Chipsticks.

After processing, the sludge is shipped to the nearest port in old milk transporters, the kind which tip over in strong winds and spill their contents all over passing strangers. These milk containers also do not carry lids, as the drivers are very superstitious of lids (they consider them a heathen luxury). The accident rate is among the highest for any road vehicles, only surpassed by VW Beetles and that three-wheeler off Mr. Bean.

The world's largest importer of toxic sludge is Wales. This may be related to manufacture of Pot Noodle.

Uses

The primary use of toxic sludge is to fill the insides of water beds, gel pens and lava lamps. Other uses include lubricant in the lubricant industry, grease in the grease industry, a major ingredient in Pot Noodle, and as ballast to weigh down otherwise-unsteady barrels in the North Sea. Toxic Sludge Related Super Power (TSRSP), mentioned earlier, is also possible, but is too slap-dash to be called a use, and can only be classified as "a lazy get-out for comic writers" according to Nature magazine. Also, the video game World of Goo was awesome and helped scientifically prove a couple of unsuspected uses of goo, such as building collapsing goo towers and popping goo instead of gum in order to make balloons and hold your goo towers steady. Another use was throwing goo at Microsoft officials for making you play Halo.

An artists impression of Smiley Woman, a possible incarnation of Carol Smillie.

TSRSP (Toxic Sludge Related Super Power)

Famous Cases

• Al Gore: Al Gore was exposed to toxic sludge, and as a result was bombarded with Gamma radiation. Miraculously, the only super power he gained was the ability to whistle, which he did not have before. Unsurprisingly, WhistleMan did not last long as a superhero.
• Daredevil: Daredevil got hit by a sludge truck while trying to save a blind man. What he didn't know was that the man was a suicidal case - and the 'Devil's daring rescue didn't do anybody any favours. The blind man successfully sued Daredevil.
• Superman: Superman was hit by a toxic sludge truck, only for it to leave him powerless except for the ability to rap. Superman's TV series was subsequently cancelled.
• Toxic Dude: once just a master chemist, Wayne Daniels was exposed to toxic sludge from a chemical reaction he was carrying out. He died shortly after. His ability was the ability to forecast accidents and spillages involving toxic sludges. The irony was lost on him (mostly due to his death and his stupidity).
• Carole Smillie: Once swallowed some sludge when she was a child. No-one knows what ability she has, but sources suggest she may rise one day and destroy the world.