Greed

Artist Rendering of Greed

“IT'S MINE!”
~ You on Mine.

“NO, IT'S MINE!”
~ Him on Mine.

“Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!.........”
~ Seagulls on Mine.

Greed is derived form the root word "Greedo" a famous bounty hunter who lost his life in a Mos Eisley cantina.

Note, Greed is not an illegal or controlled substance in the United States of Polymicronesia.

It is good.
It is not a pill.
It is not a potion.
You certainly cannot smoke it. (unconfirmed, but several have claimed they have achieved this feat)
Nope, not injectable either.
Sniffing it can cause sneezing. It has a recognizable smell.
It is lightweight, and in varying colors from pine green to brownish-green.
In recent years, it has been found to be also pink.
It cannot be manufactured.
It simply appears.
You can get fries with it.
Actually, the truth is unknown as to what it is or where it comes from, but competing government studies are trying to figure it out.

Who's Afraid of the Dark?[edit]

The greedy bastard may be behind the camera!

Doing Greed has nothing to do with being afraid of dark places. It strikes by young and old, and reportedly both poor and rich. Greed pays no attention to your gender or your face.

Persuasive authority says that an overwhelming majority, 50.00001%, of diagnosed cases generally have no fear of the dark. They simply prefer the lights on. When they are in control of the lights. The remaining minority prefer the lights off--except when they want them on.

It is rubbish to believe those fables about it being easy to determine who is a greedy bastard (singular name of the afflicted) by taking a picture of them and seeing if it comes out. Take no heed to the Internet fables that celebrity greedy bastards pay private photographers (called paparazzi) to lighten their photos before printing.

You may be on to something with the they have red eyes in pictures theory, though.

Signs & Symptoms[edit]

Greed can be located within 500 feet of stop signs that have a white line around them. Always. A reputable team of Ivy league educated pain management physicians reported recently that open sores may sometimes appear on the afflicted--so send them lots of money. Preferred packages are wrapped in foil or brown paper. Ziploc baggies will be accepted, but are not preferred.

The greedy bastards (collective name of the afflicted) tend to congregate in darkened areas. They all (reportedly by a not so accurate source in all situations) enjoy high shrubberies and hedges. Where hedges do not grow as well, fences, gates, curtains, and even rock walls may be used. While writing his dissertation, Oscar Wilde thought, "Good fences make greedy bastards harder to take pictures of."

Former NY Times reporter Jayson Blair wrote that, "Everyone who has a hedge, shrubbery, fence, gate, or opaque wall covering at or near living quarters is a greedy bastard." He promptly moved out to live on the streets of New York.