Life

Although this photograph does not fully capture the mysteriousness of life, it is nonetheless very mysterious.

“Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Life

“I don't wanna see a ghost. It's the sight that I fear most. I'd rather have a piece of toast, watch the evening news. Life, oh life, oh life, oh life. Life, oh life, oh life, oh life.”
~ Des'ree on life

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Life.

Life is a terminal sexually transmitted disease, orignating either from God or your mom. This STD is, however, inflicted on the offspring of the intercourse, rather than on the participants. Offspring, themselves, are also STD's, leading to the unique situation of STDs that have STDs. The main symptoms of this disease consist of having to deal with temper tantrums, going to work, settling down, mental exasperation, and in most females, a large cyst in their stomach that lasts nine months.

Although life is not treatable, it can be cured. The best way to cure someone of life is to cause death. Thus, in cases where a diagnosis of life is likely, it is best to ensure that death is administered as soon as possible: one common strategy is to simply throw the baby out of a window. However, some believe this is a temporary and ineffective solution, as the baby will only be reincarnated into a more pissed-off form.

The symptoms of life include breathing, eating, and defecating. It is the only known STD with a 100% fatality rate.

Therefore, life turns out to be a big waste of time. People afflicted from this disease end up spending all of their time just... living, and doing nothing else much. Parasites, illegal immigrants, poor and jobless people are the ones usually found having a "life" -or too much life- than healthy humans should, and going as far as enjoying it. This is why our superior global leaders have an ongoing policy to get rid... errr we mean to CURE them.

When life hands you lemons

It goes without saying that if life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade. However. Sometimes life hands you a bunch of shit. What then? The creative options are somewhat limited in this case. You might want to consider planting a garden and putting the shit in the garden, but only if the shit is of livestock origins. Since this is usually impossible to determine, and because cow manure is frequently infested with E. Coli, surrounding yourself with fans to blow the shit back to it's source is a far more preferable option, especially in the workplace.

Life sucks and then you die

This negative approach is normally reserved for death row inmates, the terminally ill, and Americans, but doesn't make it any less true. Research has proven that life sucks 62.3 % of the time for the average human being. 30 % of the time is spent dreading the sucking of the other 7.7 % of the time and the remainder is blissfully spent sleeping and therefore doesn't count. So technically the 62.3% of your waking hours spent sucking are when you're at work and/or job hunting and the 5 or 6 hours when you get home .

Life's a bitch

But it's better than the alternative! Unless you're 3-headed siamese triplets joined at the butt or worse, quintuplets joined at the knees.

Life is also highly mysterious. Every major culture has attempted to unravel the mysteries of life, and they've all sucked at it. However, the predominant theories are:

A pond full of scum got hit with some lighting, and 3.85 billion years later, Joel Schumacher was hired to direct Batman & Robin.
An eternal being was sitting around in a bunch of nothingness when he suddenly decided to create somethingness. He got pissed off at what he created and killed almost all of it. Then he started giving books to his creation.
- Maybe, in order to make sure that wouldn't happen again, he took the form of his creation so they could sacrifice him to himself. Then he wrote a book about it.
- And maybe, a few hundred years later, he wrote a second book that was supposed to clarify that book but instead just rambled on incoherently like Allen Ginsberg on meth.
An evil alien overlord flew the population of the universe to Hawaii on commercial jets and threw them in a volcano, and then played movies meant to confuse their disembodied souls, and this would all be obvious to you if they weren't stuck to you right now.
Forty-two.

These, of course, are only the best theories. There are many others which are not so compelling.

How to get one

First, throw away all of your video game consoles. (This is optional, but can help massively.) Then, get people to be your friends. Unfortunately, since you just threw away your video game consoles, no one will want to be friends with you anymore. I guess that was bad advice. Sorry.

Next, obtain a friend of the opposite sex, and call this your girlfriend if you're a boy, or boyfriend if you're a girl. If you're gay, just make up your own word.

Procedures

While life happens across a wide variety of plant and animal specimens, the basic process of life can be broken down into a series of steps common to all:

Eat

Food and water are required for the sustenance of life. Ironically, much of the world's food is derived from the death of something else. This is known as "the circle of life." Put simply, first, living things go into your mouth, and then you go into the mouth of living things. This creates a circle.

Eating can be done in a variety of ways: absorbing sunlight, gathering nutrients from liquids, consuming the pulpy bits of other lifeforms, and sucking the sweet sweet blood of your overworld cousins are just a few of the more common methods. Some cultures even indulge in consuming the undeveloped fetuses (or feti) of smaller animals, such as chickens, ostriches (or ostrigi), or fish. Another popular method of eating is convincing a cow or goat that your hands are its offspring, and drinking the stuff that spooges out of their breasts.

A requisite by-product of eating is waste removal, which is known in the animal kingdom as "pooping." Garbage in, garbage out.

Sleep

Sleep is also required for life to continue. But try not to do it too much, or you'll never get to the end of this article.

Sex

Closely related to eating and sleeping, sex takes place in a bed and involves a lot of chewing. After becoming infected with life, a female will start vomiting in her own hair and urinating uncontrollably. Ah, the miracle of life.

Avoiding Death

The conclusion of life is death. Although death is a foolproof cure for life, no one really wants to die, no matter how much supposedly depressing poetry they write. The most recent alternatative found to solve this complicated issue is to waste their life (that is already a big waste of time) on their PC in the basement playing video game, watching porn or editing Wikipedia articles. Such (in)activity provides an efficient way to "cheat life", i.e. being dead while pretending to be still alive. Or the reverse... both are the same in that manner.

Recent Discoveries

Recent research suggests that nobody can remember the beginning of their own life. This has led to the conclusion that birth is an illusion, and that we are all trapped in a false reality from which there is no escape. Kind of like the Matrix. But kind of not.

Cheat codes

Life can sometimes become a bit difficult. In some cases, it may become necessary to use cheat codes to get through obstacles. Yes, it is true that people may laugh at you and call you a loser, but its best to remember that since you're not doing it on a video game, that automatically means you're not a loser. It should also be noted that with the assistance of somewhat 'seedy' cheat codes, glitches and bugs may affect the server in which one is living. It is suggested then, that before you attempt to cheat, save your current progress.

Wanted cheat: Go on your computer, get onto Google, then type in the words "kiddy porn." The police will come.

Weird graphics cheat: Gain mob connections and ask for some weed. Set one end on fire and inhale on the other end, you should notice some really weird graphics.

Pedestrians attack: Get in your car, drive up to a KKK meeting, go in there and yell out the words "Jesus is black!" the pedestrians will very likely attack you.

Extra money cheat: Send millions of e-mails to people informing them that you manage a bank account with $15,000,000 in it, and you'd like to give them half of it for no reason. Then start asking them to send you money. Believe it or not, this works.

Speed up time cheat: Walk down the street to your friendly amateur pharmacist and ask for "white powder." Things will get very fast and they may not stop.

Maximum fat cheat: do exactly what you're doing at this very moment.

Keep Pedestrians Away cheat: Take off all your clothes and go outside. Like a miracle, everyone seems to either walk or run away from you. This cheat also works if you want to police to arrest you, and if you want abuse shouted at you by some members of society.

Very angry Pedestrians II: Walk onto a very busy footpath, facing the peds walking towards you, and do the following to activate the cheat: Left Kick, Right Kick, Left punch, Right Punch. You may/may not (depending where you are) get a very sore nose, very quickly

Painful and slow shortcut to death: Simply stop your source of life, food, water, and sex from entering your body.