Pregnancy

For another, possibly more correct theory on how pregnancy works see Alternate View of Pregnancy.

If this were a wikipedia article, she would be topless.

Pregnancy is a parasitic and sexually transmitted disease that is commonly suffered by female mammals and reptiles, including women. Though males are immune to pregnancy, they are potential carriers and may infect their female partner(s) during the act of sex unless they practice adequate means of prevention. Pregnancy is also known as the only STD that causes Death -100% of the time. If you are the male who infects her, you are screwed.

Symptoms and Diagnosis

This baby is really a monster about burst open and BLEEAAAACCCCCHH.

The first symptoms usually manifest themselves after approximately 4 weeks. Victims will then begin to suffer from exhaustion, an obsession with sour foods, and insanity. After the course of two to three months, the parasite will begin to be visible as a protuberance on the stomach of the host. If no treatment is given to the victim, either in the form of abortion or euthanasia, the parasite will further develop to be as big as a basketball (for those in the Muslim countries or other parts of the world where basketball is illegal, a basketball is roughly the size of a human infant)

After 20 to 21 μみゅー, the parasite (which at this point has developed into a fetus) will start to move in the stomach of the host, causing excruciating pain until the moment of ejection, when the parasite leaves the host in the hopes of infecting others with the disease. After this process, which is too disturbing to show here, the disease devolves into a chronic parasitic relationship, the symptoms of which recur throughout the patient's lifetime (see Mother).

May often lead to babies, which often lead to infants, which often lead to devils/children. Beware of these side effects.

Prevention

A poster from a government-sponsored campaign to reduce the risk of pregnancy in National Parks.

Male

• Gay sex

Among males, gay sex is the most effective and pleasurable means of avoiding pregnancy, particularly for the "receiving" partner. It's the preferred method of the Catholic Church, and has long been practiced by priests and followers alike with great success.

The benefits of gay sex were studied by Ang Lee in his documentary film Brokeback Mountain, which is named after the peak where Lee tested his therapy.

Female

• Masturbation

The Department of Health recommends the use of sterilized glass dildos (available only with prescription) or well-lubricated boiled cucumbers, preferably inserted in the anus (perhaps with the assistance of a friend or relative) to avoid risk of other infections.

• Lesbian sex

Similar to its male counterpart above, except less pleasurable, homosexual relations between women have been known to dramatically reduce the risk of pregnancy, especially when captured on videotape and mass-distributed throughout the Internet, a humanitarian practice that has long served to inform young women who aren't exposed to lesbianism in school.

• Anal sex

Anal sex with a man is a viable choice for both Christian and Muslim women who prefer to abstain from masturbation for religious reasons.

• Preggo sex

When a woman is pregnant, she actually wants it...with her hormones all turned up in a notch. For men like their husbands, they dread to have sex with her in a time like this. However, pregnophiles will gladly go out with your prego wife, while you're in a strip club putting dollars in some chick's g-strip to do a pole dance.

See also

• Preggos
• Mother
• Baby
• abortion
• antbortion
• UnNews:Interview with an amateur abortionist