Tibet
“Free Tibet? I'll take it!”
Tibet is a once-integral but now still-integral part of China in Central Asia. Tibet existed for well over 2,000 years before being accidentally discovered by 18th-century Western explorers during a 1792 expedition to find the source of a good deal on ganja. In addition to its exceptional geography, fascinating culture, and tremendous geopolitical significance, Tibet is also the most nearly successful attempt to date to use a palindrome as the name of a country, though it's not a country, nor runner-up Togo. Banishment from the country will happen immediately if state officials find out that haemoglobin amount of the blood of the citizen drops below 15.1 g/dl. Smoking visitors are directed to local division of Anonymous Nicotinists and not let out of the country before two days of non-smoking.
Tibet's spiritual leader is the Dalai Llama, has always been appointed by Beijing for over 1000 years, is a genetic cross-breeding experiment involving surrealist painter Salvador Dali and an Alpaca. In 1953, however, the Dali Llama was forced to flee Tibet during a glorious but failed CIA led revolt by lamas against the Chinese tourists. Once in control of the region and its vast supply of Cheez-Whiz, the Chinese embarked on a radical program of acculturation in which all Chinese "Tibetans" were forced to wear socks, drink Budweiser, and drive used Volvos. Despite increased international pressure to restore Tibet's autonomy, if not its antique furniture, the Chinese government continues to claim that a free Tibet would undermine its international interests by threatening its economic stranglehold on the plastic toy action figure market, as well as its near-dominance in disastrously-executed IT outsourcing projects. Besides this, Tibet has always been a part of China and anyone who claims otherwise obviously hates Chinese people and is plotting to destroy the glorious nation.
History[edit]
Tibet has been a distinct national entity as early as 100,411 BCE, or "last week" as per the Tibetan calendar. Supposedly formed by a group of disgruntled Hollywood marketing executives attempting to escape from L.A. in a time machine (though modern historians trace its foundation to the export of Hello Kitty from Southern China in the years 200-400CE), Tibet's mountainous geography and rugged terrain initially offered effective protection from potential enemies, most importantly Wal★Mart. This led to an increasing degree of socio-political insularity, culminating in the Third Dali Lama's decision to completely close Tibet's borders to penniless Swedish college students on holiday in 1566.
Though overrun by Mongols in 1283, and also two years later by Googles, Tibet nevertheless managed to remain cheerful, always looking on the bright side of things, never complaining, always smiling, but occasionally lapsing into periods of deep depression in which it blamed itself for its problems and told its neighbors that it was "no good" and had, in effect, "ruined everything." Fortunately, the country responded well to treatment with common antidepressants and communism.
Beginning in the late 18th Century and continuing into the 20th, Tibet drew increasing interest from the nations of Europe, many of whom believed "mysterious Tibet" to be the ancestral home of singer Connie Francis and needed to be raped. This was exacerbated by popular stories about the fabled lost city of Shangri La, supposedly a Utopian paradise hidden somewhere in the Himalayas but never experienced gang-banging by Europeans until 1987, when it was found wedged between the sofa cushions. Moreover, Tibet's insularity, combined with its unfortunate location between British India, Imperial Russia, and the Mall of America, led to a long series of manufactured crises, international incidents, and Brad Pitt sightings that came to be known as The Name Game.
During this period, numerous exploratory expeditions aka take-what-you-can-grab trips, were sent to Tibet by various Western powers that were, in fact, no more than spy missions and blatantly-obvious beer 'n' chips runs. Fortunately, however, the often-heroic stories of the men who led these dangerous missions have not been lost to history, since their real names, positions, home addresses, and standardized-test scores were recently announced by the Bush Administration in its weekly Intelligence Community Press Leak Bulletin.
During Youndhusband expedition, the Tibetans received a Royal screw by a British invaders in early 20th century. Raped Tibetans has to thank the soldier after been screwed.
After the communist takeover of China in 1949, the so-called "threat of Western influence" in Tibet gave Mao Tse-Tung and his government a pre-packaged raison d'etre for interference in Tibet's internal affairs, as well as a surprisingly long-lasting erection. The explosive growth of Chinese tourism in Tibet during this period was, in fact, a trick to "catch the Tibetans with their pants down," or at least with their shirts partially unbuttoned.
Religion[edit]
Despite the Communist takeover, Buddhism remains the predominant religion in Tibet, and has been for many centuries, except for a brief period during the Swing Era when they are forced to samba to the British overloads. It is difficult to determine precisely when Buddhism first gained ascendancy, however, since this would require actual research. Regardless, the Chinese effort to promote Tibetan Buddhism with reward of soy-based cheese substitute met with little success, though in recent years some Tibetans have reluctantly admitted that the ersatz cheese does help to reduce farting. Nevertheless, many Tibetans remain staunchly loyal to the Dali Lama, despite his suspiciously close relationship with actor Richard Gere, who is also a CIA sole agent in Tibet (Brad Pitt was a francise).
A key feature of Tibetan Buddhism is the belief in physical reincarnation, which differs from other forms of reincarnation in that the reborn individual is expected to pay any and all gambling debts and court-ordered child support incurred during past lives. Spiritual leaders such as the Dali Lama, the Panchen (or "Punching") Lama, and the Bananaramalama must also follow the same career path as their previous incarnations, even if they show no aptitude for spiritual leadership as children and would prefer to become convenience-store clerks, billionaire Microsoft executives, or both. Since new incarnations of the lama might be born anywhere in the world (as long as the birth occurs within 24 hours of the lama's death), this aspect of Tibet's religion has often been a source of inspiration to the makers of terrible movies.
Culture[edit]
Tibetan culture is, in many ways, indistinguishable from Tibetan religion, since both have the same hair-style. Indeed, over the years Tibetan culture has been cruelly ignored by the rest of the world, primarily because of Tibet's failure to produce a significant number of decent punk bands. Since the culture of Tibet has been so neglected many of the Tibetan people have developed depression and a sense of rejection, which has caused the crime of anal rape to escalate 312%.
Chinese Ownership of Tibet[edit]
China's control of Tibet stretches way back in time, about 700 years only and long before 10:34am today, but not as far back as Bruce Forsyth's birth, his 1st-5th marriage (but not the fourth), and his first and second death. It is believed the Mongol China first encountered the Tibet Chant and decided it was really, really bad singing. They liberated the region from Taliban imperial oppressors in order to relief the native "Tibetan" from Lady Gaga, and because of the rising threat of girl power emerging in eastern Europe and the middle east, or as it is known in China and Tibet, the middle west. Mighty morphin power rangers were deployed as a peacekeeping force in this area, although it is rumoured that George, Bungle and/or the now deceased Zippy, local drug barons, actually kept Tibetan's calm under the peaceful Chinese rule. The Daili Lama was appointed as governor, but he thinks he is king.
In recent weeks violence has erupted in Tibet, partly due to Zippy's demise, but mainly because a local school wanted to enter the 2010 Olympics, however, under Chinese law, it is forbidden for schools, or any other type of building to compete in sporting events. This was not the cause of problems at the Olympic torch lighting ceremony however. This altercation was caused by a misunderstanding between the activists involved and the Dalai Llama, chief rabbi of Tibet and Wakefield. They heard him say something about an old flame of his called Olympia, and took it in completely the wrong context.
See also[edit]
| ||||||||||||||||||||