Toyota Anus
Disclaimer: Toyota Motor Corporation and its sponsors are not legally responsible for medical or insurance expenses that may occur as a result of maintenance failures, human error, or plain stupidity. All models of the Anus are sold in a perfect, reliable condition, and any damages or malfunctions that occur are not our fault, but the fault of the consumer. Basically, the Anus sucks and it's not our fault. Kthnxbai.
“Yo dawg, yo Anus is tight!”
“In Soviet Russia...anus is YOU!!”
“Go ahead, get inside of an Anus, and tell me that it won't change your life. It did for me.”
| Toyota Anus | ||
 
| ||
| Manufacturer: | Toyota | |
| Production: | 2006-Present | |
| Type: | Compact | |
The Toyota Anus (トヨタエーヌスー Toyota Ēnusū), also known as "The Impenetrable Anus", is the most recent automobile from the Toyota Motor Corporation, designed in 2007 and made available for purchase in the same year. The prototype model, codenamed "Manure" (Latin for swift exit) proved itself popular with future consumers and car enthusiasts at the 2008 Bologna Motor Show. It was released in China as the Toyota Chrysanthemum in June 2009.
On the market, the Anus competes against several other newly-released vehicles, such as the Nissan Rectuma or the Honda Acorn. Below is a list of current rankings for new 2007 vehicles:
- Honda Acorn
- Nissan Rectuma
- Ford Fæces
- Toyota Anus
- Dodge Skidmarker
(Note: The Loyola Uterus was originally planned to be released in 2007, but delays and a lawsuit from Toyota for design infringement means that they have to release it in 2010.)
Dynamics[edit]
The Toyota Anus is noted as having a rather unpleasant interior, but excellent exterior. The car's designer, Jean Lèmone-Parte, stated, "It's a car that still gives you a nice feeling when you jump inside, slam the door, drive it, and get out." Current Anus models are available in brown, green, dark brown, dark green, black, gaping pink, and the less-preferred bleached white.
Performance-wise, the vehicle is a coffin on wheels. Most standard Anus models have weak brake systems, and often experience back-firing and/or become backed up. The vehicle is also prone to accidents, and has been known to leak varying quantities of gas and other hydrocarbons at unpredictable intervals.
Despite all of this, the Anus has been quite popular, due to its custom options. All Anus models (including both the Compact and Full-size classes) have specially-designed exhaust and filtration systems and employ an innovative thermo-internal combustion engine, which is still in its developmental stages. The Anus also gets 38 miles to the gallon, and is one of the most economically beneficial automobiles on the market despite its regular emission of methane and other gasses into the atmosphere; a hybrid model is expected to be on the market within the next two years.
Finally, recent studies done on the Anus' framework, which when compared to most modern vehicles on the market, suggest it is one of the strongest automobiles available. This is, in fact, where the car got its nickname as "The Impenetrable Anus".
Exhaust & Filtration Systems[edit]
The Anus' exhaust is based upon the structure of the fuel it receives. For example, ethanol fuel might output small chunks of corn, while alcohol-based fuel tends to output Russians, makes lots of noise and makes a shaky ride. This is all based on the Anus' unreliable thermo-internal combustion engine.
As previously mentioned, the Anus' filtration system releases hydrocarbons, which are potentially deadly to inhale, create a fire hazard, and have been linked to lung cancer. However, the worst drawback of this unwanted effect is the foul odor. Just about every Anus smells, even with proper washing. The only way to guarantee your Anus doesn't smell is to never use it. Air fresheners are recommended.
Specifications of the Anus[edit]
The Anus comes in three variants: the three-door hatchback, the five-door hatchback and the four-door sedan. They come in two specifications: a 2 litre diesel base model known as the Anus Faecal (sold as Fecal in the US market), a mid-spec model with a 2.4 litre diesel known as the Anus Flatulence, and the top-spec model known as the Anus Diarrhoea (sold in the US market as the Anus Diarrhea), with a 2.8 litre diesel. The Anus Diarrhoea has a tendency to smell like a rich blonde girl's anus and sperm mixed together, but it has all the feature of the Anus Faecal plus six airbags, cruise control, reversing sensors, rear-view camera, satellite navigation (with a traffic alert system known as ToiletClog), ABS and sunroof. Options include an air filter, curtain airbags and ESP. The Anus Faecal, the base model, has nothing but a steering wheel, two airbags, airconditioning, radio, power mirrors and power windows. The Anus Flatulence has all the features of the Faecal, but has ABS, four airbags, ESP and cruise control, and comes in a manual transmission only, while the other models come with automatic.
Advertising[edit]
Commercial advertising has been pretty successful for the Anus, as sales have radically increased since the release of the first Toyota Anus commercial in late August of 2006. The commercial starts out as a familiar scene from The Wizard of Oz in which Dorothy, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, and Scarecrow are all skipping down the yellow-brick road. Then, out of nowhere, the Toyota Anus speeds down the yellow-brick road, hitting all of the characters and leaving behind a trail of carnage. In the background, one of the Munchkins can be seen hanging himself. Then the scene fades, and a voice announces, "Toyota Anus: Welcome to the end of the road," as the logo appears on the screen.
As of 11, 2024, a total of six commercials have been released for the Toyota Anus, all of which feature unlikely incidences of hit and run.
In December of 2006, a Toyota Anus drag-raced a Nissan Rectuma in an exhilarating event at the Las Vegas, Nevada Motor Speedway. The Anus, which reached speeds up to 60 mph., lost (badly). In an attempt to salvage the situation, Toyota representatives stated that, "Winning isn't everything. We just want to improve the lives of people, and the Anus is what we hope will achieve our goal." It worked. The Anus gained massive publicity, and sales for the Nissan Rectuma dropped in the weeks following the event.
Advertising Slogans[edit]
- "Welcome to the end of the road."
- "Leave your mark."
- "Drive your way to paradise."
- "Leave it all behind."
- "Relieve yourself."
- "The Car for Goa Tse"
Pros and Cons[edit]
The Anus is an extremely controversial automobile. Some claim it to be an insult to the automobile industry, while others laud it as innovative and exciting.
For example, in August of 2006, the Anus was responsible for nearly 69% of all automobile accidents of that month nationwide[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], while on the other hand, the Anus can withstand a barrage of rounds from a .50 caliber M2 machine gun.
Below is a table evaluating the overall pros and cons of the Full-size class Toyota Anus:
| The Pro | The Con |
|---|---|
| Windshield wipers | No windshield |
| Small and compact | Smells like an anus |
| Comes in a variety of colors | Looks like shit no matter what |
| Inexpensive | Worth every cent |
| Maxes out at 60 mph. | Maxes out at 60 mph. |
| Environmentally friendly | Attracts hippies |
| 38 miles to the gallon | Leaks gasoline |
| Sturdy and strong frame | Emits poisonous levels of hydrocarbons |
| Weighs very little | Likely to blow away in a breeze |
| Nobody would want to steal it | It's all yours |
| Plays 8-tracks | Has no speakers |
