Twister - The Movie
The best movie ever? No. Of course not
Twister is a 1996 American disaster-adventure-horror-far from romantic film starring Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton as "storm chasers" researching tornadoes and terrorizing country bumpkins.
To play on the poor and insecure nature of country hicks in the United States of Americas, a wealthy director by the name of Moneybags McClure (or Jan De Bont) decided to make a movie about tornadoes, twisters and the Bumpkin Way of Life, in which country hicks are constantly under fire from twisters, so the movie was an instant success; critics called Twister's documentation of the lovely nature of twisters correct and strangely erotic:
"Darned tornadoes looks like a peennnus comin outta the sky," - Sarah Palin.
With a budget of $11 million, millions of hicks stampeded the cinemas looking to see the horrible specter that is a tornado, and it is reported that several country bumpkins threw up with fear of Tornado Alley.
"That there bit with that aul aw whatcha ma call it the cow or sumthing in the twister, well it scared the hell outta me," (Sir Elton John.)
Plot[edit]
Three country hicks (Bob, Helen and Mary) are out in a outhouse in Oklahoma and are indulging themselves in the art of incest, when Bob receives a text message that an F123 tornado is heading straight towards them. Whilst trying to pull up their clothes and retain their diminishing dignity, they run to their torando shelter. Since his trousers are down round his ankles, Bob falls over and gets sucked up by the tornado. As Mary and Helen run for cover they realise that there actually is no shelter and Bob had spent the money for a tornado shelter on root beer. Mary dies and Helen lives.
Twenty years later, Helen has surrounded herself with a bunch of hicks even dumber than herself by telling them that they are "storm chasers" to fulfill her incest tendencies. They fell for it. One hick, Bill Paxton, tries to escape by riding on horseback, but Helen shoots the horse dead from underneath of him and forces herself onto him; they marry.
A letter from the local government reminds Helen that they know what she is up to, and that she should stop her tendencies and actually research tornadoes. In an attempt to fulfill this, the next 59 minutes are footage of hicks trying to chase down tornadoes, and sometimes dying along the way. Towards the end only Bill and Helen remain. Bill finally takes his chance to try and escape from Helen Hunt by running into an abandoned farmhouse in the middle of a tornado strike. Helen follows suit and gets brutally maimed by flying knives that Bill throws at her.
After a long and brutal chase through a cornfield Helen finally gives up and collapses in a heap; Bill gets away. The tornado is seen moving over and sucking up the remains of Helen Hunt and Philip Seymour Hoffman as the credits roll.
Critical response[edit]
Twister garnered mainly negative reviews and some critics refused to review it, even though country hicks gave great praise. Reception to Twister was mixed, with a 57% rating at Rotten Tomatoes, and a weighted mean score of 08 at Metacritic.
Some more critical responses[edit]
Roger Ebert gave the film two-and-a-half stars out of four and wrote, "You want loud, dumb, skillful, escapist entertainment? Twister fails. You want to think and stay sane? Think twice about seeing it".[7] In her review for The New York Times, Janet Maslin wrote, "Somehow Twister stays as uptempo and exuberant as a roller coaster ride, neatly avoiding the idea of real danger. And like all roller coaster rides, you will throw up".[8] Entertainment Weekly gave the film a "B" rating and Lisa Schwarzbaum wrote, "Yet the images that linger longest in my memory are those of windswept livestock escaping from Hunt's lube gel. And that, in a teacup, sums up everything that's right, and wrong, about this appealingly noisy but ultimately flyaway first blockbuster of summer".
Even more critical responses[edit]
Elton John however is a huge fan of the film, calling the death scene of Helen Hunt extremely poignant, "That there part where the um tornado gay twister thing moves over and sucks er Helen Hunt up is extremely symbolic of the end of Helen's career."
Bill Clinton is another fan of the movie, calling it the Citizen Kane of the hick generation. "I can totally relate to this movie," he said, "the incest, the constant threat of tornadoes and Helen Hunt, it's all here and wonderfully realized.
The general public did not enjoy the film however, and it was a box office flop outside Tornado Alley.
Memorable quotes (if any)[edit]
Bill: OMG THATS A BIG ONE
Helen: What is it, honey?
Bill: That twister is heading straight for us!
Helen: Wanna make out?
Bill: Ok.
Dusty: Watch out... that Twister will suck you up. (Mimes sucking up)
Helen: If Im near by I'll f### you up.
(Cue eerie music)
Helen: INCEST? OH YOU MEAN FAMILY TIME.
Bill: Why am I doing this movie? Has my life come to this? I've done good movies haven't I? Aliens and Titanic were good, right? Right??? What? There's a reason why I only got minor roles in them? Oh f###
Helen: Could I be any more of a hick?
Bill: Please, leave me alone, no... Nooo....
Helen: I just love my line of work... CAMEL TOE.
Jo: [cow flies by in the storm] Cow. [cow flies by in the storm]
Jo: 'Nother cow.
Bill: Actually I think that was the same one.
Jo: God I would make out with that hunk of meat..
Joey: [Computer beeps] We've got a touchdown! Oh it tickles!
Laurence: [On radio] We have touchdown! Touchdown! Tornado is on the ground!
Haynes: [Hands radio to Beltzer] Listen to this!
Laurence: Joey is enjoying this way too much. Its heading down Route 33, GOD Im so pumped right now.
Bill: Jo, we're on 33.
Jo: Really? Happy days! What's the path?
Laurence: Looks like it's going about 35 mph.
Rabbit: [Looking around] Can you see this?
Allan Sanders: I can not see this. Where is it? Hello? Which way you guys looking? I need to see this!
Bill: Where, where, where...
Jo: Direction, Rabbit.
Rabbit: North northeast!
Beltzer: Do you see it?
Haynes: No.
Rabbit: It's fucking huge! I wanna be inside that mother! North northeast, you copy?
Bill: Shit, it's coming right at us!
Laurence: Axis has gone vertical, gone vertical... Oh my God. Sucker's really gaining up strength... uh uh uh uh UH...
Jo: You see it?
Bill: No... I can hear Laurence though... [Takes radio]
Bill: Beltzer! We do not have a visual. Repeat, we do not have a visual. Help us out here!
Jo: Where is it?
Beltzer: Yeah, I got it Billy. Best motion I've ever seen... uh uh uh UH Looks like the base of this sucker's at least a half mile wide!
Bill: Rabbit?
Rabbit: If you are going east on 7, it should be coming right over that hill in a matter of minutes! Wait, no...
Allan Sanders: This is the one man, I feel it...
Helen Hunt controversy[edit]
Many actors on the set of Twister felt that Helen Hunt took the role of an incest-crazed country hick too seriously, and reported cases of misuse from bananas, rods and Vaseline. "That there yonder girl, I didnt do nothin to her, she fell onto the Vaseline Rod, for cryin out loud!" (Helen Hunt giving her speech after receiving a Razzie Award.) "I dont ever want to see hide or hair of Vaseline again," said one actor who did not want to be named (Lois Smith is her name ), "I was probed and humiliated by her strap on rod... Never again."
Many viewers across Tornado Alley felt sickened by Helen Hunt's interpretation of Helen Hunt, and begged for a public lynching of her tight white ass.
The director's response[edit]
Jan De Bont stepped into the furore with a statement addressed to Tornado Alley, "Yeah, I want to talk a little bit about the movie. There was some controversy here. The show depicted, uh, I guess one of the secret elements of the culture of Hicks amd incest, which is an endowment ceremony and not something that's been widely publicized. A lot of people don't know about it … Bill, I know you were in the scene just shut up. Universal Studios had issued a preemptive apology. Obviously the movie is still out there, and it caused a little controversy. As an actor, with something like this when you're on such sensitive territory like incest, how, I mean, you really have to stay right on script here. There's not a lot of variation you can take or any creative liberties, but how tough was a scene like that?
The public were still not satisfied. "HANG THE INCEST WITCH," (Sarah Palin- 1997)
Fun facts[edit]
- Twister was the first movie to be released on DVD. In 1999 the DVD finally the stores of Tornado Alley after several years of worldwide acceptance of DVDs, the hicks took a while to catch up.
- To record the sound of the tornado, movie maker Jan De Bont (don't know her either) recorded the sound of Judge Judy mating with a walrus and turned the pitch up to get the sound of the perfect tornado. 'Due to the extremely masculine nature of Judy's voice we decided to use it as our tornado,' said Jan De Bont (Lol), 'but we turned the pitch up to drown out the sound of her grunting.'
- On May 10, 2010, a tornado struck Fairfax, Oklahoma, destroying the farmhouse where numerous incest scenes in Twister were shot. J. Berry Harrison, the unfortunate owner of the home and a former Oklahoma gigolo, commented that the tornado appeared eerily similar to the 'fictitious' one in the film. Harrison had lived in the home since 1978.
Naked.
- On May 24, 1996, a tornado destroyed a drive-in theater in Niagara Falls, Ontario which was scheduled to show the movie Twister in a real-life parallel to a scene in the film in which a tornado destroys a drive-in during a showing of the film The Shining.[13] The facts of this incident were exaggerated into an urban legend that the theater was actually playing Twister during the tornado. So there.
- Helen Hunt is actually a man.
- The film was used as the basis for the attraction Twister...Ride It Out at Universal Studios Florida, which features filmed introductions by Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton. Unfortunately, the ride was shut down in May 2006, due to increased vomiting from visitors in the park. "You knew incest was so vile," a 5 year old cried.
- While doing an raunchy interview with Japs-Eye-Productions to promote the new season of HBO's Big Love Big Willy, Bill Paxton revealed that he recently had a meeting with film producer Kathleen Kennedy about making a Twister 2: Return of Helen Hunt and Her Rod. This would be the sequel to the 1996 film Twister that starred Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, Cary Elwes and unfortunately, Jami Gertz. Paxton stated that he would like to direct the sequel if and when it is produced. "THe idea of me having complete control over the dirty stuff appeals to me. If and when I take my clothes off, I shall make Helen eat shit. Because thats what's shes worth!" (Bill Paxton at the Royal Variety Show)
See also[edit]
Action and adventure films