User:Spike

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This is the notorious "Spike ban stick."
en-NThis user is a native speaker of English.
es-2This user is able to contribute with an intermediate level of Español.
Sophia fire2.gif Civil War Veteran
This user stayed and defended the Mother Ship of Comedy during the 2013 secession.

“My object in living is to cross my vocation and avocation as my two eyes cross when I see a woman with awesome chest monkeys.”

~ Robert Frost (1936) on writing for no pay

“Three things from which we all benefit but which we ought not watch being made, are sausages, laws, and Special:RecentChanges.”

~ John Godfrey Saxe

Cuy.gif

Admin Spike since 3-Feb-13
(was SPIKE from 3-Oct-09 to 17-Jun-15)
(was SpikeFromNH from 30-Jul-09)
(edited anonymously from 2-Jul-09)

102,507 edits, 127 wins, 153 saves
Signature: Spıke 🎙️
Location: New Hampshire Icons-flag-us.png (UTC-5, UTC-4 in summer)
Userspace

Spike seasoning.jpg

Writer of the Year 2014 (tie)
Uncyclopedian of the Year 2013 (tie)
Writer of the Month December 2010 and November 2012
Uncyclopedian of the Month October 2010
Also, Gobshite of the Month April 2015

Heraldic rank:
OUN.png Order of Uncyclopedia since 3-Feb-13
GUN.png K.C. Grand Cross since 1-Jan-11
KUN.png Knight Commander since 3-Apr-10
CUN.png Commander since 1-Mar-10
Officer rank:
UC-Army-OF6.jpg Brig. General since 27-Oct-15
UC-Army-OF3.jpg Major since 3-Feb-13
UC-Army-OF1a.jpg Lieutenant since 11-May-10
UC-Army-OF1c.jpg SSgt since 6-Mar-10
Super powers:
Bureaucrat since 27-Oct-15
Sysop since 3-Feb-13
Autopatrolled since its inception
Rename/rollback since 25-Oct-10

Major works

Solicited editing

I've performed gut-and-paste jobs requested by a tag in the article, on:

  1. ↑ Solicited by users from Inciclopedia.
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 Solicited at UN:REQ.
  3. ↑ The solicitation was made by an anonymous user.
  4. ↑ Solicited by numerous red-links placed in articles concerning the 2016 campaign, mostly by me
  5. ↑ Solicited at UN:VITAL.
  6. ↑ The solicitation was made by an {{ICU}} tag, and I put it there.
  7. ↑ The solicitation was made by one of Uncyclopedia's perennial problem children, and while he was banned from the site.
  8. ↑ Suggested (now on the talk page) as an alternative to editing a Featured Article. My only time in this namespace.

Unsolicited editing

Saves off VFD

I loiter at the Votes For Deletion (VFD) water-cooler, where bad articles go to die, looking for articles to save. It's more social than picking requests off a list, and it carries the satisfaction that every good job displaces one of Uncyclopedia's worst. It's like being the local Simon Cowell (though I'm probably also the object of one unsatisfied customer's reference to "Uncyclopedia's Hitler Youth"). I've thus taken custody of the following articles:

  1. ↑ I deleted the nomination for deletion, as the nominator was a sockpuppet of a banned user.
Free Dildos for Inmates?.jpg

And I provided clerical help, but disclaim responsibility, for several articles that were rescued from VFD when I instigated but didn't exactly volunteer. I would take myself out of the article history, if I could; and am doing the reader a huge favor at great possible personal risk by making links out of the following:

A save off VFH

Amid repairing Uncyclopedia's worst articles, I once exercised the presumption of repairing an article claimed to be Uncyclopedia's best. This strategy proved to be the fast track for featuring.

Placement Is Treatment

So said The Fat Man in the novel The House of God. That is, a workable (I mean billable) alternative to delivering treatment is to hand off the patient to the right specialist. My involvement on VFD and elsewhere has induced other, more knowledgeable users to go for the Save on the following:

And sometimes, I am the one without a chair when the music ends:

UnNews and UnNews Audio

Microphone on stand.JPG

In February 2010, the pickings became slim on VFD of salvageable articles. I parlayed an interest in current events into submissions to UnNews, usually closely based on actual but already-mostly-absurd emissions of the AP wire. My work on UnNews is listed on a separate page, which you should visit if you have feedback or suggestions for new items.

My style

Cow Cutie Pie.jpg

I'm here because I enjoy using MediaWiki, enjoy writing precisely, and like to make people laugh. I once wrote about how this hobby is better than all the previous ones.

I tried for a long time to avoid the politics of the site, and generally don't vote on individual or article honors, except that I vote on Votes for deletion, by way of paying admission to that salvage yard; and I used to welcome being given the Goldstein Award month after month.

My sense of humor is one of the drier ones here--the best examples are the virtually jokeless There Isn't Any and Objectivity. I avoid goofy flights of fancy unless they have a double meaning or otherwise relate to reality. Most everything I write has the seeds of truth, but the stems and leaves are total crap, developed with the low standards of research appropriate to this site. I'll engage in flights of fancy when I can weave it back to the theme or turn it into a conundrum, as in Dianalysis. I dislike toilet humor, as I write to amuse and not offend--unless the droppings are buried in comedy, as when I called the simian Hindu god Hanuman the Patron Saint of throwing feces, or digress in a passage on eating Cap'n Crunch to mention also sucking off Tony the Tiger.

Greedo solo.jpg

I plan humor with seriousness and think the parts of this web site that direct the user, such as page titles and categories, should not crack wise. Some say I state opinions in a tone more fit for divine mandates. I write concisely in a style that resembles spoken American, overuse commas to indicate pauses in speech, and am happy to end sentences with prepositions.

Fun facts

The ballpark is the perfect place to meet like-minded companions.
  • Spike is not morbidly obese (though perhaps that's only knowable in retrospect) nor orally fixated, as these animations might suggest.
  • Spike often cooks at home, following his First Law of Home Economics: If the sauce is curry or Szechuan, nothing has to be fresh. Cultural realism is not a criterion either, resulting in works like Hamburger Tikka Masala.
  • Spike is a late adopter of technology. Every Windows system is a 2850-song jukebox spanning decades, one-eighth of the songs recut and recombined. Except for that and web surfing, everything would be DOS.
  • Spike brings a netbook to the baseball stadium and works on articles during the frequent lapses in live action. With a single keystroke, he can claim to be "checking out-of-town scores."

2011 sabbatical

Mascots "provoke." They do not "instigate."

I got banned for a week in April 2011. I was offered a nice short leash but instead rode out the week and felt nothing but liberation, the second of four UnNews Editors-in-Chief to burn out in short order. My next outlet was an online newspaper comment section. I became notorious enough to win multiple guest appearances on a radio program in a small city upstate. My Congressional delegation didn't know my name but the greeters at their public meetings did. But the newspaper website was even less moderated against trolling, and in May 2012, it shut down reader comments and I returned to Uncyclopedia. New UnNews Audio features followed, and joined the radio stints and announcing at Division III sporting events as a third form of public address lacking only any measurable public.

From zero to hero

We Took a Vote.JPG

I kept my distance from the trolls who used to run the place, but in January 2013, chanting anti-corporation slogans, they stampeded a large number of Uncyclopedians to a separate website owned and controlled by them, over issues ranging from the political tone-deafness of our web-host personnel to the unsurprising fact that any Creative Department always works with other departments filled with the non-creative. They expect a Sugar Daddy to subsidize the work that we all have been providing for free for years, or hope for financial viability despite being too swell to coexist with advertisers. They don't realize that pay-to-play is coming to a website near them.

Lick.gif

Now I was suddenly the leading candidate for Admin, based mostly on the compelling fact that nearly everyone else had left (and my most ardent backers would do likewise a couple weeks after the vote). This also happened to me once in the statewide organization of a small political party. I have gone from walking on eggshells to being The Law during some early-morning stretches. I checked Uncyclopedia frequently throughout the day — except if there was a ball game.

Nevertheless, Wikia persisted (second hiatus, 2017-19)

In August 2015, a hacker evidently injected JavaScript onto Wikia websites and captured users' passwords. I do not know, but I know it did not happen on Uncyclopedia.

But this became the excuse for a host-wide crackdown. Suddenly, no one could code in JavaScript without prior restraint from Wikia, an Admin could not delete from a message-of-the-day text that the same Admin added to it months earlier, and protests via Special:Contact elicited deliberately unresponsive promises to "study" the situation (then robot requests to rate the quality of the customer service). (The only benefit of this evolution is that every Wikia activist stuck in San Francisco is two hours away from the state capital in Sacramento.)

In November 2016, the website was "rebranded" Fandom. (Yay! Bronies!) This, plus the unification of our user names with other Wikia websites (we had debated it, but when push came to shove, we were not consulted) flooded Uncyclopedia with pre-teen users from non-English-speaking countries and induced more good editors to find paying jobs. Site-wide drives to pick one's favorite option for Wikia "Community action" (such as "Income inequality" — which, if they cared, they'd start paying Admins) were another affront to people arriving here merely to write funny stuff. I never claimed Wikia was nice, but only that the case for leaving Wikia and setting up an impostor site was totally phony.

Wikia ceases to persist

In July 2017, Wikia's esteemed engineers moved to TLS 2.0, as it is vital that packet-sniffing hackers in my neighborhood not be able to determine that I am making public edits to a public wiki. It ensured that site security was robust, though Fandom's version of MediaWiki was famously not. This final straw in elevating Wikia engineers over Wikia customers wrecked my antiquated kitchen-table setup and I left to ply my trade for no one at all at TheMirror.miraheze.org. Miraheze also eventually went to TLS 2.0, which I hear is very very trendy.

In March 2019, Wikia shifted from dictating to us, to discarding us, the staff assigned to delete the last smutty photo not justified by our minuscule audience. A vote was called (as usual, with same-day registration and no Voter ID), and the majority accepted an offer to co-locate on the same server as the Forkers, an arrangement that ensured that the Forkers could snuff out this website merely by not lifting a finger, which is exactly what happened.

A backup set up at uncyclopedia.ca became the only usable copy of the classic Uncyclopedia. But its existence solved all the above problems, so I returned as a contributor. In 2021, it moved again to the more lucrative uncyclopedia.com and re-recording the outro to a couple UnNews Audio contributions was a small price to pay.

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