Hello, friend. This page is pretty graphics intensive,
so if you're on a slow Internet connection, you might want to go
grab a snack or something.
"Spider-man!"
Peter awoke with a start. It was his scar
spider-sense again. It was morning. He was alone. Was someone calling
him, or did he dream it?
"Spider-man!"
(Links throughout this page point to mp3s
from the game.)
There it was again. The voice of a woman. A woman
who sounded like she belonged on a default answering machine message.
A woman calling his name... his wizard superhero
name.
This could only mean one thing... he had been chosen.
Chosen by a higher power known only as "Player 1."
Peter knew what he had to do. He put on his cloak
superhero costume, & followed his tingling scar
spider-sense to a nearby alley...
Sure enough, Peter found Scorpion clutching a large
stone tablet.
The stone glowed in his hand, & spotting the
hero of legend, Scorpion made a break for it behind a passing truck.
Peter strolled along after him. For some reason, he couldn't bother
actually chasing after him. Not even a fast-paced walk, like one
does as he might be late for work, would suffice in this case. He
just slowly strolled after his fellow spandex-clad superhuman, no
differently than one would walk in the park on their day off. He
didn't understand his lack of motivation, but he knew one thing
for certain: The no parking sign in the alley was really pissing
him off.
No sooner did Peter catch up with the truck, that
he was surrounded by what he guessed were supposed to be some kind
of angry cosplaying Shyguys. As Peter fought them off, they each
let out a high-pitched
war cry in defeat. He nearly expected them to follow it up by
grabbing their crotches & dancing backwards.
The back of the truck slid open, and out jumped
Scorpion again. The mystic glowing stone he was carrying had been
attached to a machine that seemed to be incubating a man in his
tighty whities. A man Peter recognized from his past.
Venom's true self poured onto his host body &
out of his incubating chamber thing in a puddle. Peter wasted no
time vokking the crap out of his old nemesis, until Venom finally
had enough. Reaching into his suit, he pulled out the glowing stone
tablet from his pocket, yelling... something...
Wait, what did he say?
mike fireball 0: I DO
NOT KNOW WHAT VENOM IS SAYING
Destinys2ndKid: "Don't you just
live by ebony fence...oooooow"
Using the power of the stone, Venom absorbed the
rest of his little goo puddle & grew nearly three times his
size. Not wanting to stick around & have to deal with Peter,
Venom did what any abnormally large mammal would do. He climbed
a nearby skyscraper. Recovering from the sudden change in screen
resolution, Peter had a surge of brain cells. Venom has
to be stopped, he thought to himself. He knew he couldn't do
it alone. He needed help from someone he trusted. Someone smart.
"Spider-man!"
the voice rang out again.
No, Peter said in reply. I'm Spider-man, remember?
Doyyyy.
Then the voice spoke a second time.
"Black Cat!"
Oh. Ok.
"Peter!" Hermio Black
Cat exclaimed. "I know the source of Venom's power! That glowing
tablet. It's called the Sorcerer Stone!"
Peter still didn't understand, but that was the
least of his worries. Venom had to be stopped! The two chased
after Venom, scaling bridge scaffoldings & climbing atop the
city's water tower, which was apparently either owned by or bought
in tribute of their friend, Namor.
Standing face to face with a 50-foot Venom, Peter
& Black Cat fought him off with all the webs & grappling
hooks they had, until he finally shrank to his normal size &
screamed, "WHAAAT'S
GOOOING OOOOON?"
As a giant green helicopter picked up the power-drained
Venom, Peter & Black Cat hitched a ride, hoping to find the
source of the problem. Not knowing what dangers awaited them, mostly
because they couldn't read the backwards billboard behind them,
they decided it would be best if they called for more help.
"Spider-man!"
yelled the voice.
HELLO I AM ALREADY HERE KTHX!
"Sub-mariner!"
LOL good one, answering machine lady!
Oh, you were serious?
"Hey guys, what's going on in this video game?"
Fair enough, Peter thought. He found Namor's fighting
technique of elbowing his foes in the crotch to be somewhat painful
to watch, but at least he & Black Cat had an extra hand to help
them out. Never mind the fact that the more players there were,
the more Shyguy kings of pop would show up.
It would seem
that the effects of the Sorcerer Stone have worn off --- .
Finally, it was all starting to make sense to Peter
now. All this time, Kingpin was setting up the entire article to
highlight this one screen shot. Peter still was unsure of a few
things, like why Kingpin's grammar was correct verbally but not
in his word balloon, or why he finished his sentence with the Morse
Code for "OE", but at least he understood what he &
his friends were fighting for, even if they were walking AT AN UNUSUALLY
SLOW PACE FOR SUPERHEROES IN THE MIDDLE OF FIGHTING CRIME
Peter & his friends struggled in the fight
with Venom & Kingpin's bodyguards, but they ultimately agreed
that the best way to defeat such a large group was to have Namor
dive face first into a shallow puddle. Peter & Black Cat both
gave the dive a zero, but at least it knocked Venom off his feet.
Now there was just a matter of getting that Sorcerer Stone back
from Kingpin, before he could use it to grow bigger, or live forever,
or whatever it was that the stone actually did.
From atop the building, Peter spotted a crew working
on launching Kingpin's zeppelin. As he & the others went to
take a closer look, he was shocked to find a familiar face waiting
for him.
It was his old Defense Against the Dar
SCIENCE professor, Dr. Connors, or as Peter knew him now, THE LIZZER!
Wait, what?
"THE
LIZZER!"
Short work was made of THE LIZZER & a few hundred
more Shyguys who screamed
AS IF THEY OWNED THE RIGHTS TO THE BEATLES' MUSIC. Peter & his
friends thought they were well on their way to facing Kingpin, himself,
when they heard an all too familiar cackle.
They should have known. No inner city crime was
complete without the Green Goblin blowing things up on his glider
thing. Peter was confident that he & his friends would also
make short work of
OH COME ON I'M JUMPING
Ok. I think I'm going to need some more quarters.
"Spider-ma Spider- Spide Spi Spi Sp Spider-man!
Spider-man!"
There, that ought to do it.
Where was I? Skipping ahead to Kingpin's room?
Yeah, I thought so.
"All right!" Black Cat exclaimed, eyeing
up the world map displayed on Kingpin's rug. "Hey guys, check
it out! I'm in Hawaii! Look you guys! Hawaii!"
"DAAAYYYAMN!"
Kingpin screamed, unamused with Black Cat's joke as he smashed his
desk to splinters. He called on his stunt double, Michael Clarke
Duncan, to take care of Peter & his friends, as he escaped to
his chopper.
The three were quick in following Kingpin, who
found himself trapped on the roof of his helicopter, thousands of
feet in the air, surrounded by three young wiz
superheroes. Try as he might, he could not overcome their combined
skill, & Kingpin ultimately fell, bringing the entire chopper
down with the force of his fall. Seriously, the guy was so fat,
he broke the helicopter.
The Sorcerer Stone lifted up out of Kingpin's pocket,
as if someone or something was removing it. Just then, Peter heard
another voice. "SORCERER
STONE?!!?11" it inquired, much like one would inquire about
Orlando
Bloom playing the role of the lead singer from Nirvana. It was
a booming, metallic voice... one that Namor recognized immediately.
Peter knew that Doom must have been nearby for
his presence to be able to snatch the Sorcerer Stone from the falling
chopper. In fact, it was at that point when it crash landed right
in front of Hogwa Dr. Doom's castle.
Thick, iron gates guarded the entrance to Doom's
magnificent fortress.
No problem, Peter contended. I can break through
this thing in like two punches, three tops.
Peter thought back to what he learned in superhero
school... about how a series of incredible coincidences that applied
only to his life could bail him out of any situation involving an
evil genius. About how thinking happy thoughts would allow him to
conjure up web fluid & retain his wall-crawling powers. About
how pressing the B-button when the game was in widescreen mode let
him shoot webs at people. About how winners don't use drugs.
Nope.
Peter should have known better. Defeating Doom,
Doom's flying throne thing, Doom's robot double, Doom's destiny-deciding
sense of determination, & Doom's knack for alliteration was
too easy to be the true end to his adventure.
The true power of the Sorcerer Stone was revealed
in Venom, who exclaimed
something about fish song good & produced several copies
of himself. Only the true Venom could be physically harmed. It was
just like Black Cat read in the library... the Sorcerer Stone had
the power to grant Venom unlimited lives.
Venom just failed to read the part where finding
out which one's the real him & punching him in the face a bunch
of times until he explodes could still kill him. "WHAAAT'S
GOOOING OOOOON?" he screamed, as he melted into a puddle
of space goo & blinked red until he evaporated. The mortality
of evil souls always confused Peter, particularly the blinking part.
The castle's foundation slowly began to collapse.
Peter & his friends made their escape, & watched in the
distance as Doom's stronghold fell into a cloud of dust.
They've spent the entire game walking like their
shoes were covered in frozen molasses, & suddenly they make
like lightning bolts out of the castle & up a cliff about a
mile away from it just in time to watch it fall. Is that my prize
for winning the game? Can I now move at a reasonable pace instead
of like a smoker trying to catch his breath? Forget it. I'm not
giving you another quarter. This game makes me want to vomit all
over the screen.
Man, you guys really did think of everything, didn't
you?
|
