I know Britain is full of incompetent water board officials and stabbed Glaswegians but even so I fell on my knees this morning and kissed the ground, because I've just spent three weeks trying to work in America.
It's known as the land of the free and I'm sure it is if you get up in the morning, go to work in a petrol station, eat nothing but double-egg burgers - with cheese - and take your children to little league. But if you step outside the loop, if you try to do something a bit zany, you will find that you're in a police state.
We begin at Los Angeles airport in front of an immigration official who, like all his colleagues, was selected