UnNews:Earth declares war on, attacks Moon
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 September 2006
Jupiter Township, New Jersey (A&P) -- President Bush gave a historic speech at a press conference today, praising the efforts of his European allies in routing Islamic terrorists believed to have entrenched themselves in a new base on the Moon, based upon indisputable (but reportedly a bit blurry due to some sort of terrorist "blurring ray of evil") satellite and telescope photos, which have not been released due to "national security concerns".
Despite war not actually being declared yet, Bush got too excited and launched one of the "cool death rockets" prematurely. A decisive hit was made on one of the Moon's evil eyes, believed to be the source of the terrorists' evil Islam powers over the world, and paving the way for the return of Jesus to the worldly domain, accompanied by the angelic host welcoming the population of all the faithful red states into divine grace in the presence of the Lord, while comdemning the sinful blue states to an infinity spent at an enormous Denny's large enough to contain the entire planet.
"These terrorists are tricky," said Bush, explaining his unusual actions. "First they trick us into starting a Iraq war that has proven to be dangerously unpopular and a severe threat to the Republican party . . . err, I mean irreplacable American lives, using their sinister phantom weapons of mass destruction, and now they're threatening the Moon, and all of the Earth. While I know Americans are usually not too interested in foreign affairs, I've been informed by my advisors that the Earth, in fact, actually includes the United States as part of it, so we should be on board with this."
President Bush then showed an abridged video tape (which was cleared for national security release, since it was not politically damaging to the Republican party) showing Osama Bin Laden and his deputies laughing about tricking America into attacking Iraq, and celebrating the success of their "let's make believe there are weapons in Iraq, that will trick the stupid Americans into starting an unnecessary destabilizing, multi-billion dollar war there" plan. The videotape clearly shows that the men appear to be on the Moon, since they keep saying things like "when are we going to get out of here? Setting up a base on the Moon was really stupid and this place sucks balls" and "Did you get a load of that stupid car the Americans left over that next hill behind us? I nearly died laughing at the thought of how much money they spent to send that worthless piece of ancient shit up here."
When asked a question that suggested that the tape appeared to be the same footage as a previously released Bin Laden tape showing him and his associates celebrating another of their terrorist attacks, Bush accused the reporter of being one of the terrorists since "if you aren't with us, you're with them." He then had the reporter deported to Guantamano to be sexually abused by the U.S. Military.
Not suprisingly, no further questions were asked.
Bush said he would advise congress to declare war on the Moon immediately, but if they didn't, he'd just continue the war anyway, since "It clearly says in the Constitution that presidents can do whatever they want with the military, including all that dorky outer space shit, regardless of what Congress or anyone else's opinion is."
Bush went on to say that if the terrorist moon base, of which there was even more indisputable evidence in addition to the videotape, that he was not at liberty to show the world because of "political -- er, I mean national security issues," proves to be another deception of the terrorists, like the way the terrorists tricked us into attacking Iraq over their ghost weapons of mass destruction, then at least the billions of dollars and countless american lives lost would be justified by the historic prospect of "bringing democracy to the Moon."
Sources
- Foundation for a New American Century "The next front in the war on terrorism- the Moon" Taxpayer Funded Washington D.C. Propaganda Organ, September 2, 2006