Chapter Text
I believe you should know that i do not give back Charlie his converse. He did not really think I would, so it is not like a big deal anyway. Is Tuesday. If I don’t come back to school yet, everyone will be talking about me whenever I do, if they are not already. I do not want to go back, but who does, right?
I put on the uniform and walk downstairs. Mom and dad have just left. Charlie has already eaten, and Oliver is at his own school. “Hi, Victoria” Charlie says.
“Hi” I put on a bit of diet lemonade in my glass and I go and sit by his side, in the sofa. “I think I am going to find Michael today” I say. He nods. I know he thinks I am an asshole for ignoring Michael for almost two weeks. I think that too. Michael thinks that too. Everyone should.
“He talked to me, yesterday” He says. And It takes me by surprise, because why would he care enough to go and talk with my little brother? “He asked me how were you”
“What did you say?” I ask. But he does not answer. He just stands up and picks up my now finished lemonade drink. “Charlie” I say.
“I told him that I did not know”. He says. I frown. What does that mean? I think to myself for awhile, looking him clean the dishes. How does he do not know how I am? Or does he know? Is he just pretending so Michael doesn’t get worried? “Tori. I told him that because I thought you should be the one telling him how you feel. If you want to, surely”.
He must’ve noticed I was overthinking what he has just said.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks” He smiles at me, and we both leave.
I hate the bus. I really do. So I hope Charlie understands at least how much I love him since I’m going with him on it. I think he does.
Michael calls. I pick up.
M: Tori
T: …
M: You picked up
T: Yeah
M: Are you… coming to school today?
T: Yeah.
M: …
T: Do you want to meet before entering?
M: Yeah, sure
T: Yeah, okay.
M: okay
He hangs up. “Christ” I say. Charlie looks at me with a grin on his face.
“That seemed awkward” He says. It, in fact, was awkward. I growl, resting the back of my head on the bus’ sit. He pats my leg.
I hate the fact that everyone in this school seems as dead as me. There is a ghostly vibe all over the corridors that quite scares me. No one really wants to be here, and I am scared this school will burn down just like the other did.
I see Michael when I step out of the bus. Then I do something really weird. I start running. I run towards him in the span of three seconds. I do not think I have ever run this fast before. Not even when I almost failed PE.
He does not run. That would be catastrophic. But he stands there with his arms all opened and this look on his face that tells me that he has actually missed me. I literally jump over him. Then I gross myself up and try to back off.
He does not allow me to do so, since his hands are pressed around my body. As if he was trying to make sure I am actually real. I am real. I do exist. I try to make him understand that. But he must have been scared since the other day.
He looks at me, his hand now pressed on my cheek. I finally move around. No, that is too much. “Sorry” he mutters.
I frown. “No. I am sorry” I say.
“You needed your time, it’s fine” He says.
“I was still a bitch” He looks at me sad. I know he will not disagree. He nods. It hurts. I deserve it. “So I am sorry. Michael Holden”
“It’s going to be okay” He says. Now I nod. I do not really think everything is going to be okay. Not really. But I do think that he needs to believe it. We look at each other for a couple minutes. We should talk about that kiss. And we both know that. But I am so not ready for it. So I guess I’ll just ignore it. “I love your hair, Victoria” He says. I take a moment to realise he is looking at the lock Becky dyed. I sort of smile.
It’s not like I am in love with Michael, right? At least not like Becky says love has to be. I really, really enjoy being with him. And, maybe that kiss wasn’t the worst thing I have ever felt. But I just do not imagine myself doing… anything more with him. So, yeah. Not love, right?
“Would you want to have lunch with me today?” He asks. I nod. I know it will be uncomfortable, and I will want to kill myself right after. But I still want to spend time with him.
“Yes” I say. And I am aware that I’m talking like someone who has no interest in him. But I just can’t bring myself to say anything more. He smiles. We both enter Truham.
“You have art” He says. I look at him stunned. “I just thought it would be nice to know your schedule” Again, I am too stunned to speak. “I hope that doesn’t come off as stalking or anything”.
“You have always been a stalker” I remind him, we both sort of laughs. We walk until the art classroom, and he stops.
“Well, good luck in your first art class, Tori” He says.
“What so you have?” I ask. He looks at the paper in his hands. So he knows my schedule and not his? Christ.
“Unluckily” he says “math”
“But that is, like, very far away from this class, isn’t it?”
“I wanted to accompany you” And then he leaves. And I wonder how in hell everything seems so normal between us two after everything that has happened.
<><><>
Art and the other classes are pretty fine. Mr. Ajayi kept looking at me sort of hoping I would say something, but I obviously haven’t. I honestly thought of Michael the whole time. I am not obsessed. I just want to make things right with him.
When it is finally lunch time, I leave as fast as I actually can, without seeming crazy once again. I really think I accomplish it. Michael is waiting for me, once again, sitting in one of the picnic tables outside. I can also see Charlie, Nick, and the rest of what they call ‘the Paris squad’ sitting near by. I try to keep an eye on my brother.
“Tori!” Michael screams, before I’m even close to him. “You’ve come!” I am starting to feel slightly annoyed at people not expecting me to fulfil my promises, but I do not say anything about it.
“Yeah” I say. God I am boring as hell.
“How have you been?” He asks. “Charlie said he did not know, which, to be honest, I don’t think it’s true” I try my best to actually not run away this time, but he is really making it very hard for me to stay. “I am sorry” he says. Great, now I feel awful. “I know how much you hate small talk”.
“I am fine” I say. And I believe that is the biggest lie I have ever said before. I look at him. I do not really like looking into people’s eyes. It feels like starring into their souls, discovering their deeper secrets. And as much as that doesn’t seem like a bad thing, that means that if they find their eyes they can do the same with you.
I do not want anyone to discover my deeper secrets and fears, honestly.
“You almost killed yourself, Tori” He says.
“Why does everyone keep mentioning that?” I ask. His eyes soften. That is not exactly true, since mom and dad seem to ignore the matter. The only persons who actually mentioned that (apart from him) are Becky and Mr Ajayi.
“Well” He says. He makes a long pause, trying to search for my eyes again. “Maybe because you did”
“Well, I said I am fine”. I say. He nods. Okay then. I am fine. Everything is fucking fine.
“Okay” He says. He eats a little. I do too. Charlie looks at me from afar. He is eating. That is good. “But you can talk to me, you do know that right?”
I nod. “Yeah, Michael. I do know”. Another silence.
“For God’s sake, Tori. Stop it”. He says. And i look up again. I can’t pretend I’m not a little bit mad.
“What?” I know I am talking meaner than I actually expect to. He looks angry, or exasperated.
“How can you even try to pretend you are alright after what happened, Tori?” He asks. His voice is slowly raising and it feels like he is screaming at me. I know he is not. I know he is frustrated at himself for not being able to help me. He gets mad when he can’t help everyone. “Why do you close yourself in this self hatred bubble?”
“I do not” I say. Why can’t everyone just stop tying to get me to say I am not okay? I am okay. “Michael, I do not, I am okay, i swear to god”
“Don’t” He looks like he is about to cry. “Look, if you are going to pretend everything is okay, then do. Maybe you need it for some time. But allow yourself to feel, Tori. I am here. I won’t disappear if you cry in front of me. I. Want. To. Be. Here” I look at him. We look eye to eye and he definitely is getting to my deeper fears. But i do not mind. Not with him. “Can you do that?” He asks.
“Okay” I say, not really thinking I can actually do that. “Okay, yeah, I will. Just… give me some time to, understand whatever is going on, is that okay?”
Then, instead of answering, he does something I wouldn’t expect in a thousand years. He holds my fucking hand.
He holds my fucking hand.
I look at him, sort of terrified if what is happening right now. “Take your time. But do not push me aside, Victoria Annabelle Spring. I just need to be in your life”.
“Yeah, sorry for this past week” I say.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I get that you needed to be apart from everything. I’m glad it’s over tho. I really like what you’ve done to your hair”. He now has this happiness on his voice that makes me realise that I am not the only one pretending everything is actually okay. I make a weird smile.
“Yeah, Becky did it to me yesterday, actually” I say. He smiles.
“Oh!” He says. “I’m glad you two are friends again”
“Yeah, me too.