God
“God is dead.”
“You bet He is!”
“Nietzsche is dead. Guess who won that bet?”
“Bernie is running. Thank God.”
God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah, and Jehovah to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, the Incan Empire, Big Foot, and Devil's food cake. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, committing genocide, committing mass infanticide, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.
The first bet
Just before Creation, on the night preceding October 23, 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the Celestial Poker Game, Satan, a.k.a. the Devil a.k.a. Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th-century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.
In just six days, God created the heavens and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him. It's also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.
The first people
God created the first man Adam from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle, and placed him in a magical garden in Eden, Nevada (now known as Las Vegas, Nevada). Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God "Prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring." But God discovered Lilith was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made Eve.
God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sex-changed cloned sister Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told Adam, "thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.
Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked siblings the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4–5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges. They started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Dinner Party.
God was so furious at losing the bet, He blasted the garden into a desert. Still furious, He ripped off Satan's arms and legs. But Satan survived, saying, "It's only a flesh wound." Satan slithered off, becoming the first serpent and gaining the nickname "Monty Python". Because of His actions, God became the first Crime Boss.
Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were "fucking ugly". They promptly used fig leaves to cover up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being a bunch of know-it-alls". God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift and sent them to New Jersey.
The brother and sister didn't die that day as God had said but lived for hundreds of years. Following Satan's promise, they declared themselves God and Goddess. They founded Atlantic City, created the Mormon religion, moved to Utah, practiced group marriage with their offspring and begat like, well, rabbits. This became known as polygamy and incest. In their spare time, they founded civilization. This became known as a mistake.
But God couldn't be bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.
God starts to lose
1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to its first ad break. God took this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realized that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for drastic action.
God decided the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel.[1] So God had to think of a plan to save Noah of Arc, his wife Joan of Arc, and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.
How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3–9 (Brother Goose translation): "And God, in His infinite wisdom, said, 'Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.' Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words 'I'll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!' Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbecue summer, said he 'felt like a right twit'. Then he drowned."
Prophets
Job
Many generations after Noah, a man named Job, who was faithful to God, became a highly successful rancher in the land of Uz. One day God bet Satan that Job wouldn't curse God even if he lost his ranch, wealth, health, wife, children, and got some really nasty boils. Satan, who still missed his limbs, wanted no part of it. But God became so furious, Satan feared another flood. So Satan relented, but pleaded for Job, saying, "Behold, all that he hath is in Thy power; only upon himself put not forth Thy hand (you schmuck)" (Job 1:12).
God followed through on his threat and his bet. Job, who like Satan feared for the world, said, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21). God knew that Job yelled His name in sarcasm and anger (and believed God was a schmuck), but didn't care because He won the bet.
Abraham, Sarah, and Lot
Following God's success with Job, and His failure to win all souls through Adam and his cloned-sister Eve, God made a new plan. He now focused on creating souls through Abraham and his half-sister Sarah. Satan had said the couple — 100-year-old Abraham and 90-year-old Sarah — was too old to have children. So God bets against the Devil. He then dressed a baby in sheep's clothing and sneaked him in while Satan wasn't looking. God laughed at Satan and called the baby "Isaac", which is Jewish for "laughter". Scripture scholars later called God's act a "miracle", which is Jewish for "cheating".
Then God almost destroyed His own plan due to His compulsive gambling. God made a bet with Satan that Abraham wouldn't sacrifice his only son (actually, his only son who wasn't a bastard — God was cheating again) just because God told him to. The betrayed and confused Abraham, who still thought Isaac was a sheep, was about to ax his son. But the sympathetic Satan intervened, and willingly lost the bet by dressing up a sheep as Isaac and giving it to Abraham to sacrifice instead.[2]
God later destroyed the cities of Sodom