Didarasq

A typical picture of what a typical Finnish person looks like when speaking typical Finnish.

Didarasq (or The Finnish language as it is sometimes mistakenly called) is the second national language of Finland. It is known for being the international lingua franca of diplomacy and business. It is relatively easy for foreigners to learn because of its low complexity level (vaikeusaste). A foreigner can speak Finnish fluently after a mere 60 years of teaching and training. Another 60 years and the foreigner will be able to write Finnish as well. During the first days/weeks/months/years of studying the foreigner quickly learns his first Finnish word that has an incredible 100% chance of being "Perkele" for the relative ease of learning the language. The student will certainly keep shouting this word in a steady pace as long as they to learn this infamous language.

Characteristics

The Finnish language is a typical member of the Finno-Ugric-Nonsensical-Blatter-Mongerel language family. Like most other FUNBM languages, Finnish has got seventeen tenses. As a compensation, it only has got one gender. Over 180 cases can be found in the Finnish language, but only the first 150 are commonly used in everyday speech. Finnish words tend to be long compared to the words of the English language. This is why novels are thicker in Finland than anywhere else. It can take several pages to write a single word in Finnish. It is possible to constuct practically endless compound nouns in Finnish. A good example is the word suuronnettomuustutkintalautakuntatyö, meaning "work of the catastrophy examination board". It is the second shortest word in the Finnish language. Because most Finns are illiterate, they do not bother to connect compound nouns in their writing. Finnish grammar nazis are constantly having a hard time hunting down and exterminating people who show indifference to compound nouns. Their method of extermination is burning the heretic on a stake.

Another thing that strikes a foreigner learning Finnish (apart from the sadistic teacher) is the frequent use of vowels, especially umlaut vowels ä and ö. Finnish uses considerably less consonants than e.g. the English language.

Finnish has 155 words describing different kinds of snow, 499 words for 'cold', 863 words for 'booze' and more than 3,700 ways of saying 'Goddammit, it's cold in here!', but only one expression for 'a person in charge of the quality control system' (laadunvalvontajärjestelmävastaava).

Useful expressions

• Katso, poro!: Look, a reindeer!
• Katso, kaksi poroa!: Look, two reindeers!
• Katso, perkeleesti poroja: Look, a pack of reindeers!
• Lumi.: Snow.
• Nuoska.: A type of snow.
• Viti.: A type of snow.
• Tykky.: A type of snow.
• Loska.: A type of snow.
• Hanki.: Snow.
• Nietos.: Snow.
• Härmä.: Snowy frost.
• Höytelö.: A type of snow.
• Höytäkkä.: A type of snow.
• Kiituva.: A type of snow.
• Kohva.: Snowy ice.
• Nattura.: A type of snow.
• Uppura.: A type of snow.
• Sohjo.: A type of snow.
• Takkala.: A type of snow.
• Pälvi.: A spot with no snow (very rare).
• Räntä.: Sleet.
• Haluun panna sua rankasti ja lujaa.: Fuck you.
• Ei perkele, eihän täällä pitänyt jääkarhuja ollaaaarrhhggh...: Oh fuck, there wasn't supposed to be any polar bears hereeeeeeeaaargghhhsss...ggxzz..

Test

Do you know your Finnish? Take this test and find out. Choose the correct alternative. The answers are in the chapter below.

I You are lost in a Finnish town. You want to know where the railway station is. What should you do?

• (A) Ask someone "Anteeksi, missä on rautatieasema?" ('Excuse me, where is the railway station?')
• (B) Say "Perkele!" (a common and very expressive cuss that fortunately cannot be translated)
• (C) Nothing. You can find the station by walking for another four hours. No need to have tedious conversations with scary unknown people.

II You accidentally push an old lady in the street. What should you say?

• (A) "Oho." ('Oops')
• (B) "Perkele!"
• (C) "Pois alta!" ('Get out of my way!')
• (D) Nothing. Why should you?

III You wish to make an order in a restaurant. What do you do?

• (A) Shout "Palvelua!" ('Service!')
• (B) Shout "Perkele!"
• (C) Shout "Viinaa!" ('Booze!')
• (D) Nothing. The waiter will probably notice you in a few hours.

IV You meet an old friend in the street. What do you do?

• (A) Say "Terve!" ('Hello')
• (B) Say "Perkele!"
• (C) Look in the other way and pretend not to know your old friend.

V A man approaches you and asks for small change for the bus. What do you say to him?

• (A) "Ei." ('No')
• (B) "Perkele!"
• (C) "Ei."

VI You hit your finger with a hammer. What do you say?

• (A) "Perkele!"
• (B) "Perkele!"
• (C) "Perkele!"

VII Somebody does a favor for you. What do you say to thank the person?

• (A) Nothing.
• (B) "Perkele!"
• (C) "Mrphh..." (incoherent mumbling)

VIII A friend tells you he or she has lost a close person. What should you do to express your compassion?

• (A) Nothing.
• (B) Say "Perkele!"
• (C) Walk away.

IX Somebody asks you the time. It is 4.30 PM. How do you respond?

• (A) "Ai nyt vai?" ('You mean now?')
• (B) "Perkele!"
• (C) "En tiedä." ('I don't know')

X Finally, your friend is leaving for abroad. What do you say?

• (A) "Ja pysykin poissa." ('And stay away')
• (B) "Perkele!"
• (C) Nothing.

Correct answers

Except for question VI, where all answers are correct, the correct answer for each question is (B)

Examples

Beautiful examples of Weird Looking Thing With Lots Of Long Words (Finnish language). The translation reveals how simple meaning they actually have:

• Älä rääkkää kääkkää! No ehä mää rääkkääkkää. (Don't torture that old bird! But I'm not torturing!)
• Kokko, kokoo koko kokko kokoon! Koko kokkoko? Koko kokko. (Kokko, collect the whole balefire up! The whole balefire? The whole balefire.)
• Köyliöläinen yötyöläinen. (Night-shift worker from Köyliö.)
• Alavilla mailla hallanvaara. (Frost danger on low lands.)
• Vesihiisi sihisi hississä. (Water pixie hissed in the elevator.)
• Riiuuyöaie. (A slightly dated expression for an intention to hit a woman for night. The word with the most vowels on the trot in the world.)
• "Tule varovasti", sanoi tuleva rovasti. ("Come carefully" said the dean.)
• Onkiva rovasti on kiva rovasti koska onki varovasti. (Fishing dean is a nice dean because he fished carefully.)
• Yksikseskös itkeskelet, itsekseskös yskiskelet? (Are you crying alone, coughing by yourself?)
• Vahva talous-, vero- ja työllisyysstrategia sekä yhteiskunnallista tasa-arvoa ajava ja sosiaalista eheyttä edistävä uudistuspolitiikka ovat 2000-luvun alun ilmentymä sille poliittiselle yhteistyön perinteelle, jolla maatamme on menneinä vuosikymmeninä kehitetty. (A strong economic, tax and employment strategy, and reform policies which foster societal equality and social integrity, are a beginning-of-the-21st-century expression of the tradition of political co-operation that has been the foundation of our country's development during the past decades)
• Ääkköset eivät ole ongelma. (Umlauts are not a problem.)
• Älä lyö, ääliö! Ööliä läikkyy. (Don't hit, you moron! The beer is splashing.)
• Kolmivaihekilowattituntimittari (three-phased kWh counter)
• Epäjärjestelmällistyttämättömyydelläänsäkäänköhänkään (untranslatable I wonder if even with his, her or it's ability not to disorganize things.)
• Kumarreksituteskenteleentuvaisehkollaismaisekkuudellisenneskenteluttelemattomammuuksissansakkaankopahan (45th longest word in Finland. The translation is in progress. It is expected to be finished by the year 2145.)

To a foreigner the language may sound like:

• Ripico picikkipo kookipii picori.
• Kokkosolikkosolikkokokkolikkosoliso. (Especially for Italians)
• fhqwhgadshgnsdhjsdbkhsdabkfabkveybvf.
• Aaääkkeeyyooppeennaakkuullöö.
• PERRKELE!

This is one of the reasons J.R.R. Tolkien based the Mordor language on Finnish. The Mordor itself and a certain tower there were based on the Finnish village of Tampere.

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