Queen Elizabeth I
- You may be looking for Elton John and not even know it!
“The royal family are all Dogs! Go outside and yell, 'HERE queeny, prince, duke...' See what shows up!”
Queen Elizabeth -I
The parallel version of Queen Elizabeth I, Queen Elizabeth -I is comprised entirely of black hole juices and dark matter-related stuff. She currently lives in Bizarro Buckingham Palace, which exists in 3 of the 5 known parallel universes simultaneously. Her hair is a different colour in each universe, ranging from green to 8 and three quarters. Other than that, she is the complete opposite of Queen Elizabeth I in every way, right down to her slender physique and her tolerance of Jews.
Queen Elizabeth I
Elizabeth Tudor became Queen of England in 1558 and reigned until 1603. After this point her public profile gradually declined, to the point where her only current role is to provide acting opportunities for Dame Judi Dench.
Elizabeth was the most famed virgin of her time; a reputation which she was eager to erase. This led to her teaming up with three of her ladies in waiting, who all pledged to lose their virginities before coronation night. This mission was later immortalised by the play: Elizabethan Pie. However, while her friends were successful in wooing a choirboy, Lady Stifler's dad and Tara Reid, Elizabeth's hopes were dashed when Sir Walter Raleigh suddenly decided to sail off to an American band camp, where he learned how to fashion a flute out of a potato. Upon his return from the new world, Raleigh was executed.
Another potential suitor was Phillip II, King of Spain. This was Liz's best opportunity for some action, but her interest cooled upon the discovery that Phillip was a gold-digging slut who only wanted her for her throne. Elizabeth thus took out her rage on Phillip's fleet of ships which he had sent to England filled with Cadbury's Roses and Quality Street. Liz would have only committed light vandalism, but she instead sunk the fleet upon discovering that Phillip hadn't sent any of those purple hazelnut in caramel ones.
By this point, Elizabeth's search for a husband was starting to impinge on her mental health. The public knew that she had the heart and stomach of a man, but Elizabeth had also been collecting male heads, livers and six-packs. Her growing obsession with building her perfect man ended in tragedy when a pile Adam's apples fell on her and crushed her to death.
Little known is the fact that the queen had a mustache all her 10 years of middle school, was arrested 3 times, and is known in the underworld as England's best Rapper. she also went through a beret wering blues period, at which time she grew a beard and soul patch. Welsh Empire. Hurrah! Yah boo sucks to all foreigners!
Explorers with pink paint went out all over the world painting countries and large areas of continents pink, which was to have a long-lasting effect on atlases and globes of the Earth. North America was one of these areas.
The people in these pink places were then told that they had been discovered, confusing them completely, as they'd always known they were there, wherever "there" was. But they didn't have history books, so they couldn't prove it, and anyway their opinion didn't count.
Her father burnt Catholics for not being Protestant. Her sister Queen Mary burnt Protestants for not being Catholic. She burnt Catholics for not being Jewish or Siberian. This basically explains the present British "oh, who cares anyway?" attitude to religion. All the fanatics went off in ships to live in the pink countries. (See Puritans and Fundamentalists but not Fun.)
Also, her Spanish brother-in-law sent a lot of armour-plated ships called the Spanish Armadillo to attack England during her reign, but God was on our side, and they lost out in a big way.
Her hair was the colour of carrots, but when Gilbert said so she smashed a slate over his head in a memorable scene from the movie about her life Anne of Green Gables.
Queen Elizabeth II
- For main article, see: Liz Windsor
The current British monarch, her reign saw the end of the British Empire and its conversion into the Commonwealth which still includes Canada, but doesn't include the USA. (As far as they know.)
The Hackney Empire, which is a theatre/cinema and far smaller than the British Empire at its peak, kept going during her reign, however.
Daughter of King George VI and mother of Prince Charles and Camel Parker Bowels, who hopes to be King George VII one day. Don't ask. It's all to do with politeness and superstition.
A little unknown fact: In 1954, she joined the X-men under the code name: "Big Momma!". She won the lottery 45 times while on tour with Curious George and Kermit.
Queen Elizabeth III, revenge of the Royal House
Funkier and hotter, in theatres next summer... Wherever there's a monarchy there's a relative...