MDMA
“This is the best thing I have ever touched! NO. Wait. This is the best thing I have ever touched.”
“NOOOOOOOOOO!!”
MDMA, or 'MMMMM...DMA!!!', is quite possibly the perfect drug in terms of euphoric happiness to cost-effectiveness to non-addictiveness to doesn't-fuck-you-up-too-muchiveness ratio.
Also Known As
Methylenedioxymethamphetamine
Ecstasy
Pills
Adam
Beans
E
XTC
Laser
Origins & Timeline
MDMA is an odd substance in that it tends to crop up in the strangest of places, from the jungles of central Peru to the desks of depressed politicians. What follows is a rough timeline of its various origins:
Before Time
Before scientists learned to synthesize MDMA in large quantities, and in its first recorded appearance anywhere, it could be found in the wilds of Narnia where it was excreted from the sparkle glands on all the happiest species of unicorn. It was gathered by the ancient tribal method of stimulating the unicorn's glands with a smooth, circular rubbing motion. The dust that fell off was then collected into small pouches made from the dried resin of the ancient Bag tree (known as 'baggies'), which were then sent to clubs all across the western world on the backs of donkeys which were later dubbed 'drug mules'.
478 BC
Greek blacksmith Socrates discovered that the residue left on the sides of his furnace after making swords out of nymph-steel made everything seem brighter if taken orally. He would host 'τρελλά συμβαλλόμενα μέρη', or 'mad parties'. At these parties he made good friends with a young man named Plato, to whom he spent hours talking 'πραγματικά δροσίστε', or 'really cool shit'. Plato later made notes of his conversations with Socrates, and these became the foundations for all western Philosophy.
(Above) One of Socrates mad parties. He would often lace the wine at these parties with what he called 'nymph-dust' (which later turned out to be MDMA), and all of the guests would spend countless hours inspecting all of the strange surfaces of Socrates Crib, admiring the 'way high ceiling' and 'funky runes'.
214 BC
Ying Zheng (嬴政), the king of the Qin Empire in ancient China, discovered that he could produce a white, crystalline substance by distilling it from the tears of the Japanese Quail (pictured right). After finding that the substance created extreme euphoria and togetherness in his servants and mistresses, he ordered for it to be produced en masse under the trade name 'Qrazy Quail'. Qrazy Quail was then distributed to the leaders of the six great Chinese Empires; Wei, Qi, Qin, Han, Zhao and Jin, and lead ultimately to the reunification of ancient China under the Qin empire.
At roughly the same time in Macedonia, a member of King Philip V's court invented a grammatical tool which he named 'filler', which he used to make two separate rolls of parchment the same length so that they would appear visually pleasing.
1 BC
A young couple named Joseph and Mary found a large quantity of the drug in their professions as shoe-shiners to the men and women of Bethlehem, under the soles of ginger people's shoes. They found out the substance was psychotropic when Joseph 'accidentally' licked the feet of one of his flame-headed customers, and continued to strip off all of his clothes in the middle of Bethlehem square. The couple went on to harvest the near-pure MDMA from the ginger people's shoes, and would spend nights at a time off their tits on copious amounts of what they called 'Ginger Rapture'.
To Joseph's frustration, however, no matter how badly he wanted to show Mary a good time 'on the ging', he just couldn't sustain an erection for more than two or three minutes, in what has now been documented as the first ever occurrence of pilly willy.
To remedy the problem, Joseph decided to abstain from taking the substance for one night, and let Mary take his lot as well as her own. Mary went totally crazy, and demanded that Joseph had sex with her right there and then. Though Joseph was a good Jewish man, and the couple were not technically married, he wanted some of that pussy so badly that he thought, fuck it, you only live once, and decided to give the wide-eyed Mary what she wanted.
Later, to avoid disgrace, the couple claimed that the resulting pregnancy was an immaculate conception, a claim which was backed up by the fact that the baby seemed to be endowed with miraculous powers. Mary and Joseph called this baby Jesus, and it went on to be hailed as the Son of God by a group of people now referred to as Christians.
1 AD to c. 1450 AD
MDMA remained elusive to humankind for most of the first millennium, with only a few recorded appearances after it was discovered by Mary and Joseph in 1 BC. The first truly notable occurrence, and also the first time that MDMA came into the eyes of the general public, was when it was mass produced by a ring of underground alchemists in Britain and Europe as a cure for the Bubonic Plague. As it became clear that the substance did far more than cure sufferers of their symptoms, consumption of the drug skyrocketed and plunged the world into what has now become known as The Dark Ages.
1900 AD
Everyone woke up on the morning of January 1st 1900 feeling like they'd spent the last five hundred years with a sponge in their mouth. There wasn't a set of jaws in five thousand miles of Rome that didn't feel like it had just been chewing through a few meters of wood. Everyone decided it would be a good idea to drink some water and try to repair the damage they'd done to society during the next few centuries.
1957 AD
Whilst working for an upstart pharmaceutical company, German chemist Anton Köllisch decided that the party wasn't over, and synthesized MDMA in his lab in Darmstadt. Along with his associates Alexander Shulgin and David Nichols, he then went on to introduce MDMA to the modern world under its current and chemically accurate name. The drug became popular in night clubs all over the world, where users reported increased levels of self esteem coinciding with increased levels of flaccidity.
Effects & Uses
For a short time, MDMA was tested by the military to see if it would have any positive effects in the heat of battle. Unfortunately, every soldier administered with even a threshold amount of the drug immediately retreated to their private barracks to partake in an action which was euphemistically referred to as 'pinching themselves'.
Psychoanalysts then saw the value behind the relaxation effects of MDMA, and also noticed that its users had decreased levels of emotional withdrawal. Unfortunately, a number of patients filed sexual harassment charges, claiming that the psychoanalysts had brainwashed them into openly performing an action which was euphemistically referred to as 'pinching themselves'.
Pros and Cons of MDMA
Pros
- Body rushes, described as a feeling of increased energy and intellectual clarity.
- Dilated pupils, making colors seem brighter.
- Increased feeling of well being and content.
- Increased appreciation of lasers and smooth surfaces.
- If taken during pregnancy, can cause miraculous powers in the user's offspring.
- Can unite fractured oriental nations after years of war.
- Responsible for the birth of Western Philosophy.
Cons
- Users report feelings of paranoia if taken in excessive quantities.
- Can cause users to chew their teeth together, which can be detrimental to the user's oral health. Known as 'Gurning'.
- Can throw civilizations into years of intellectual darkness.
- Users suffer dehydration.
- PILLY. WILLY.
So Where Can I Get Some?
Well, if you ever drop by London you could always give me a call on 078958522??, and I could set you up with some. Notice that the last two number's are question marks, so you have to be extra committed and try all the combinations if you really want to get through to me. That way I'll know you're not a murderer or policeman, because why would they bother?
If you can't be bothered with all that, then I suggest you type 'MDMA synthesis' into Google, and start gathering the necessary ingredients. You'll want to start soon, cause believe me, there are many. There's also a rather large prison sentence waiting for you if you get caught, but also a rather large pile of pure MDMA if you don't!
If the above two options don't appeal to you, you have a few other choices:
- Find a dealer in your local area. Clubs are a good place to start, but if there aren't any nearby, try your local high school! Kids are always pretty well connected.
- Order it off the internet. Probably won't be able to get actual MDMA, but there are some pretty similar legal highs you can get online. I suggest Mephedrone. It's cheap, strong, and easy to use, but whatever you do, DO NOT SMOKE IT. Remember, we try these things so you don't have to, and this method of consumption is particularly fucked up.
- Buy a small net, and some tickets to Japan. I hear the quail's are pretty easy to catch when they're sleeping.