Firefighter
Who are you going to trust: this Uncyclopedia article, or your lying eyes?
A Firefighter, sometimes referred to as a Fireman, is often a deranged individual who loves fire, trained to "rescue" cats from trees, and enjoy using their axes. There are friendly firemen (quite rare) and fireman/monsters. A good movie to see real firemen in action is Fahrenheit 451.
What to do in a fire
Unless you know your firefighter is friendly, Do this! - If you do not, you may well die. firemen are attracted to smoke & fires.
Quickly hide in the most remote and hidden part of your house, and cover yourself in newspaper soaked in any flammable liquid you can find (that scares them away). If you have a gun or other weapon, get it so you can at the very least, attempt to defend yourself when they try to "take you away".
Being killed by a fireman/monster is one of the most painful of deaths, next to eating a tub-full of "Bush Beans". Firefighters also bring vicious dogs with them that will tear your skin off if they can find you.
So remember, if you are ever in a fire, make sure it gets REALLY BIG, and spreads to your neighbors house. They will be lured away to them, but more could arrive as back-up!
Where to hide
- A wooden closet that you can lock from the inside
- Under the bed in the spare bedroom where you store your gas bottles
- In your attic or basement (try to get as far away from them as possible)
- Under some flammable-cheese
- Inside a fold-out couch
- Outside a fold-in couch
- In an old refrigerator with a rusty lock
- In grandpa's fireworks box
- A small plastic bag (I know they look small, but start by putting your head in first)
- Next to a gas heater that has a leak
- Inside a running car
- Where the fire is
- A tub full of vodka
If you cannot hide, run to the top of your house and jump out of the window. If you see a trampoline below, try to move out of its way. It's just another one of their traps.
UR MOM IS GAYER Than mine biatch!
The War on Fire
For as long as we can remember, humans have been at war with fire. firemen were created to fight this threat. Firemen also learned very quickly that the would be out of a job without the threat of fire. Firemen are also known as arsonist.
However, the official motion of actually engaging fires (rather then just defending against them) has only recently been passed by the United States Supreme Court.
This might has something to do with the recent rise in arson. No proof has been found as of this writing.
The Army of Fire
Unlike its human counterpart fire has only one troop to send into battle in case of an attack. This basic unit is simply referred to as "Fire".
Fire (800hp)
Attacks: Tackle, Burn, Consume
Defence: Fire, Arsons, Hot summer days, Dry areas
Note: Fire can not be put into defensive mode, it will remain in it's hostile state.
A fireman learning about the juiciest body-parts he should chop.
A group of fireman pose for a photo as they ignore a blind family trapped in their burning home.
These firefighters did the same, except they started the fire.
Firemen should not be confused with firemen.
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