Chagas disease
This article may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption. Please share your thoughts on the matter at this article's entry on the Votes for deletion page.
Chaga's disease, also known as "Gandalf's revenge", is a tropical parasitic disease of humans. The infectious agent is the protozoan Transatlantic cruise and it is spread by the Triatome bug vector, also known as the Colonel bug, due to its large size (approximately 5"3, weighing in at 9 stone). A close relative of Transatlantic cruise (it's brother in law) causes people to oversleep, genereally before important meetings or deadlines.
History
The disease was first discovered in 887AD, by an English Peasant, calling himself Chaggy Grog. Chaggy was a notoriously lazy peasant, and in 887AD was sentenced to death by his master, Sir Charles "he's a snake" Quake. Chaggy appealed, and in court blamed his appalling productivity, not to mention his baldness, ugliness, spots and eye-watering body-odour, on an unknown disease he called "Chaggy's disease". After examination by the local Witch Doctor, including blood-letting, various amputations and the ingestion of numerous poisons, Chaggy's testimonies were proved correct and Sir Charles was ordered to pay for his retirement to the South of France. Upon hearing this, Sir Charles famously said "I'll chuck the smelly infidel in the Thames before that happens". Chaggy's body was subsequently found floating in the Thames, not far from Sir Charles' manor "Snake place".
Following Chaggy's suspicious and gruesome death, thousands of peasants began to deliberately avoid work, citing Chaggy's disease as their excuse. Whilst some simply complained of a general illness, other blamed the disease for more obscure symptoms, such as drunkenness, theivery and losing at chess. Acting swiftly, the prime minister at the time, Alexander Alex-Ander published his famous "3 facts which are the truth and not lies" speech in the house of commons. In essence, the points were 1) Chaggy's disease does not exist, has never existed and will never exist in any way shape or form in this life, the next life or the one after that. 2) Chaggy Grog never existed and the corpse claimed to be his body was in actual fact a log with eyes 3) Anyone claiming to have Chaggy's disease is a dissembling harlott.
Despite prime-minister Alex-Ander's grave warnings about Chaggy's disease, talk of it rumbled on throughout the middle-ages and Chaggy Grogg came to be a kind of hero for the great unwashed. Popularity for the disease grew, particularly among left wing society, and it featured a prominent role in "The Communist Manifesto" by Marx and Engels. The gist of their argument was; Chaggy Grog was the first member of the proletariat to seek a fair deal for workers in the struggle against the bourgeosie, and as such deserved a lasting tribute. One of the first acts of Vladimir Lenin after the October Revolution was to order his scientists to find an incredibly nasty disease and release it into the water supply. The disesase discovered by Igor Fink-Fink, the chief Russian scientist, was released on June 12th amid wild celebrations (which were later ascribed to Chaga's disease induced delerium).
The Vector
The Triatome bug vector was discovered in 1963 by Bill "Mad Dog" Malone, a Texas card shark. Until then, scientists were convinced that it was primarily a disease of the bug itself, with humans as the main vector. This led to a sustained attempt to wipe out the human population, the first of these being the crusades of 1095-1291. Richard the lionheart is on record as saying "if only we could wipe out these wretched Turks, the bugs would have slightly improved quality of life".
However, the scientific community was stunned on the publication of "Why humans are more important than bugs", by Mad Dog in 1962, which made the important observation that while the bugs were unharmed by the disease, humans were being killed in their thousands, both by the disease and numerous attempted genocides. This led to a major rethink of vector classification, and modern parasitology was born.
The Vaccine
The story of the Chaga's disease vaccine is a curious one. In the 1970s, once the scientific community had progressed from genocide to prevention, it was noticed by Charlotte Nissle, a Peruvian belly dancer, that people who became infected with Ebola virus very rarely got Chaga's disease. This sparked a world-wide campaign by the WHO to expose as many people as possible to Ebola virus, even going as far as launching Ebola based cruise missiles against non-compliant countries, and holding "Ebola days" in troublesome regions. What the WHO had failed to note, however, is that main reason Ebola patients rarely contracted Chaga's disease is that around 90% of patients die within a week of infection. Although the chairman of the WHO commented "Dead people don't get Chaga's disease", public opinion turned against the campaign, resulting in a mass protest in Trafalgar square. The cruise missile that struck trafalgar square was the straw that broke the camels back and the WHO quikly vaccinated the chairman and executive board and went in search of a less lethal vaccine.
Famous Victims
Surely the most famous person to succumb to chaga's disease was William Blake. It is commemorated in his poem, "I've got this terrible pain in my stomach", which he dictated shortly before his death. The opening stanza runs as follows
"I've got this terrible pain in my stomach, please fetch the doctor as i think i'm dying, seriously guys, i feel really bad right now, I'm hurting all over and my body temperature is dangerously high"
Contempary society hailed it as a breakthrough in atypical postmodernist poetry.
Other famous victims include:
Charles 1 Napolean Bonaparte Lord Nelson Queen Ratty McRat Prince Charles