Anime

“I have nothing to declare except my love for Anime.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Anime

“How DARE you american BASTARDS make fun of Anime, the single most incredible art form on the face of Earth? I'd better draw attention away from Anime's obvious core flaws by poking fun at its ridiculers.”

~ Some Otaku douchebag on This page

“Anime? I've seen it before. It's overrated; only kids like it. American cartoons are better.”

~ Oscar Wilde on How to send an anime fan into a blinding rage

“DUDE!!!! This shit is AWSOME!!!!....I just wish i knew what the fuck they were sayin'”

~ Some white kid on Anime

“This is bullcrap!!! Who the fuck watches this anyway?!?!? Take this shit back to your chinkie holy land you fucking asian bastards!!!!”

~ Cartman on Anime

“The truth is, I'm a whole bunch of big-eyed asian mongoloid fucktards and transsexuals who occasionally reproduce, and sometimes the gay dudes turn into girls just so they can reproduce. I have many hot girls, but Ash is the love child of Rurouni Kenshin, Spike, and it all balances out, so you can forget about the ladies. Anime is about mysticism, secret agendas, rediculously big subliminal messaging eyes, and mystically trassexuallizing LGBT people ”

~ Anime on Itself

“Anime is f*cking weird”

~ Robot Chicken on Anime

“Anime with hentai is the only way nerdy teenagers can watch porn without their parents knowing”

~ Yaoi Fangirl Leanime on Anime

“This is pretty much the worst video ever made”

~ Napolean Dynamite on AMVs

History

File:Nobunaga.jpg

The creater of anime himself

A schoolgirl in its final form, preparing to kill an otaku and drink its spinal fluid.

Anime was slowly, but carefully invented in 1603 by a man named Oda Nobunaga during his last years. Nobunaga invented anime to scare away the Mongols that were invading Japan. He made people have really big eyes to trick invaders into thinking they were in Europe rather than Asia. Fortunately, due to a rather large tidal wave caused by a rather large tentacle monster, the Mongols all died and Anime had done its deed. Unfortunately, some Japanese fisherman who didn't wash himself properly accidentally brought Anime to the Americas, where it contaminated the youth and brought forth a new era where 16 year old white girls and boys alike tried incessantly to be Asian, and were hypnotized to worship Japan as some mecca of all things awesome.

Due to Anime being ridiculously easy to draw, yet appear to be of high quality, many of our teenage youths have brainwashed themelves into thinking they can draw and subsequently pollute the internet tubes with bad drawings on crappy fan art websites. The victims subsequently get an urge to congregate in hotels for days on end so they can hold gigglefests while watching Bleach and talk about how Byakuya is OMG SO HOT!!1!11 At this point, the disease is well entrenched, but with hard work and dedication, sane people can finally point out to them that they have a crush on a piece of paper, and should seek psychiatric help. (Of course, people who spend all their time drooling over or admiring muscle bound misfits in their day-glow undies are compleeeeeeeetly normal!)

Safe use of Anime

Like all imported goods, anime should be taken in moderation. When blended with other hobbies, like reading, going outside, and people, anime can be a beneficial part of your everyday life. However, if you overindulge on anime, it can begin to eat your soul. Here are a few tips to maintain a safe anime experience.

• Watch in moderation - like all forms of entertainment involving a glowing box, you should never find yourself doing the same thing 18 hours straight. Doing so may cause you to develop dinner plate eye syndrome.
• Remain objective - the first sign of becoming a crackwhore otaku is developing a burning hatred of licensed anime. Remember: not everyone is a trained Japan expert. People need to localize this stuff so it makes more sense to people who actually have a hope in life.
• Be weary of merchandise - If you catch yourself perusing a Japanese website trying to find some Bleach memorabilia, please see your doctor.
• Conventions - If you find yourself at an anime con, kill yourself. There is no hope. End it quickly. Save yourself the pain.

Manufacturing process

Though originally drawn by hand, most modern anime is generated automatically by computer programs with little to no human intervention. Typically, the anime creation process begins with a title, which are generated by a random number algorithm that selects several words that have absolutely nothing to do with each other and make no sense when put together (e.g. Neon Genesis Evangelion, Cowboy Bebop, Fullmetal Alchemist, Mobile Suit Gundam, Steel Angel Kurumi, Primary Sunspot Manager Junichiro Koizumi Purple Monkey Dishwasher, Love Hina, and Tide). A screenplay generator then selects an algorithm from the subgenre pool and generates a storyline that has nothing to do with the title or any of the words in it.

Next, characters must be developed. Male anime characters must have the intellectual characteristics of celery and females must either be whiny and irritating to the point of causing kuru and humans to develop multiple sclerosis or so heart-wrenchingly sickening that one's eye's and squeenilyspooch implode. Specialized drawing and animation programs add artwork to the story, featuring hair colors not found in nature and large, glistening, creepy eyes the size of hubcaps. These elements are required by international, national, and communist law, as competing art styles were outlawed by the Japanese government in 1982 for not being "from Japan enough".

Finally, the screenplay must be passed through a sophisticated sleaze program which adjusts the depravity level of the production to conform to industry standard requirements for sexual perversity. Anime that is exported to Western countries goes through an additional production step, wherein the voices are dubbed by English-speaking voice actors that are put through a screening process to weed out any sort of talent from the pool.

Subgenres of Anime

Hentai

Hentai is the most popular sub-genre of anime. It is essentially paper pr0n. Hentai is lovingly crafted by horny Japanese men, who have the ability to create characters that look like they're 5 yet are perfectly legal. (note, seeing as Japan is bat fuck insane, this might not be saying much, as the legal age could very possibly be 5. Sick bastards). At first, it seems like a godsend, with perfectly proportioned people doing perfectly proportioned things. But, like weed, you start using it more and more, and you will one day crash, waking up and finding yourself, genitalia in hand, beating off to a cartoon.

Lolicon

[ See Hentai, but younger ]

File:Robotech2.jpg

This is not the symbol of originality

Robots in Space

The Robots in Space subgenre is fairly common, encompassing such marvels of originality as Robotech, Xenosaga, and all 18,000 variants of Gundam. The clever storywriters in the Japanese studios realized that writing an original story was completely optional, and simply rehashing the same story over and over again with slightly redesigned characters and a few name changes would bring in enormous profit. For a similar phenomenon, see the Final Fantasy series.

This subgenre is unique in which there are no fictional devices at all. Everything depicted in the series has been invented and tested by Japanese scientists under Kyoto. The subgenre is marked by intense battle scenes involving mobile suits, spaceships, space stations, and mobile suits. The character layout usually has a military general, a cute rebel chick, and oddly emotional mobile suit pilots. Also, there is usually some guy with a mask. No one exactly knows why.

Innuendo

The innuendo subgenre was created to satisfy the market segment of lonely Japanese men, and through clever licensing, white teenagers. This subgenre encompasses such sophisticated titles as Love Hina and Chobits. These shows were specifically formulated to make as many sex-related plot points as it took to make every viewer shut off the television or computer monitor off every 30 seconds in embarassment, only to turn it back on and get turned on again. This cycle repeats, giving the series an artificially elongated and developed story. Shows in the subgenre usually contain ample amounts of humor, in an attempt to help viewers justify their awkward laughter when caught watching these shows by parents or sane friends.

File:Bleach-ichigo.jpg

Standard out-of-factory protagonist asshole

Samurai/Ninja

The Samurai/Ninja subgenre, including such intellectual blockbusters as Naruto and Bleach, are pretty much the same thing every time, but with a different name and weapons layout (like First-person shooters). These usually involve a man, a weapon, and some dark evil being. To save you time, all of these can be summarized in a paragraph:

Once upon a time, there was a moron with an elusive past who got a hold of some sweet ass powers. Using these powers, he/she fights evil and tries to prove his/herself to the others, who shun him/her. The moron/hero also has a jackass rival who tags along and helps the protagonist out of trouble, but is more awesome than him/her until later in the series, where the jackass rival's powers get crippled or overshot. Unfortunately, due to some outstanding circumstances, one of your compatriots gets taken away by some evil entity and the moron/hero must fight to save him/her. Much talking/fighting continues.

Monologue

The monologue subgenre, embodied by Dragonball Z, would otherwise be a fighting anime, if it weren't for the characters' incessant habit to blab on and on and on for episodes on end, to the point where C-SPAN suddenly seems like a reasonable way to spend your time. The monologue subgenre usually serves to be the gateway drug into stronger, more virulent forms of anime. Nearly every otaku started off on DBZ, moving on to harder substances like Naruto, Bleach, and black tar heroin. Avoid like the plague.

Examples of Anime

Naruto

Aww, they're fighting. BELIEVE IT!

Naruto is a popular anime series about a white kid with ADD, OCD, and every other mental disorder known to man (traits which are often shared with its fanbase), this white kid's name is Naruto (hence the title). There is also a talentless broad named Sakura who has an unbreakable crush on Sasuke, an emo kid who tries to act all mysterious and deep, but he's only a crybaby because his older brother slaughtered his family and killed everyone he ever held dear. Tough shit. Like nearly every other anime in existence, through Naruto's stupid bumbling, he suddenly pulls out large quantities of awesome out of his ass and saves the day, only to look like a moron because of his obsession with ramen. In America, Naruto is known for his lovable catch-phrase, "Believe it!", which no one ever tires of. Ever.

Naruto, though looking like a fool, is somehow invincible. He has been referred to as "invinciperv" because the of his tendency of going into the girls change room looking like a girl. While in there, he is hit with everything from toilettes to fruit until he leaves. He then defaces the local Mount Rushmore ripoff so he can take away the pain. Throughout the series Naruto faces conflicting emotions with the demon fox inside him. This is perfectly common. An evil organization known as Akatsuki tries to capture those who picked them last during kickball. One such unfortunate being is Sasuke's brother Itachi, he is known to have mastered the ability of slaughtering your own fricken family because YOU WARE BORED! WHY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT ITACHI!? YOU SOULLESS BASTARD!

Fullmetal Alchemist

Fullmetal Alchemist is about a fat emo midget named Edward and his brother Alphonse. One day, Al was baking a cake, but the incompetent loser forgot to preheat the oven, and was sucked in and killed. Ed, finding him trapped by ever expanding dough, drew a pretty picture on some armor, and Al became a communist robot. They then traveled the world searching for the Sorceror's Stone, to prevent the resurrection of Dark Lord Voldemort, only to discover that you have to be a homocidal goth named Sephiroth to resurrect the dead/perform alchemy on humans. The series is marked by painfully long monologues and loads and loads of emo crap. Although most FullMetal Alchemist fans won't admit it, they actually hate most of the episodes, and are just sitting through hours of pointless oration waiting the brief, mediocre scenes involving Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye, which the show is lauded for.

FLCL

(Stands for Fruit Loops Cause Liver problems.) Shinji Watanabe wondered how much crack he could possibly do in 24 hours. This anime was the result. Watanabe wrote, directed, and hand-drew every frame of this anime in sixteen seconds, before bursting into flames. Extended exposure to this particular series may cause a mixture of phleghm and pus to fire out of your eye sockets(or possibly your balls can fall out).

Tentacle High

EDITOR'S NOTE: Though confusing to foreigners, this show is understandable if one is aware of a vital aspect of Japanese society: Drugs are legal in Japan. It's not uncommon for people to spike each other's drinks as a way of breaking the ice. It's like a handshake, except you can do it multiple times, with all your friends helping.

The show's protagonist, Kisa-chan, is an elementary-schooler admitted to high school because of her prodigious IQ. Unfortunately, this causes jealousy on the part of some of the other students, who decide to pull a prank on her by summoning the Enola Gay to destroy the good times. However, intead of summoning the Enola Gay, they accidentally summon an African Giraffe, who is still in the midst of puberty and very, VERY high.

Hilarity ensues.

Fan-generated bullfuck

AMVs

AMV is short for Angry Mormon Video. AMVs are the byproduct of lack of productivity. Their natural habitat is YouTube, though they can also live in PCs, Macs, temperate forests, and in court rooms if the need arises. Nearly all AMVs contain randomly picked music and AMV creators often get in fistfights with music producers as a result. Sometimes these fistfights errupt into full fledged galactic wars that end with catacalysmic results.

See also

• Laws of Anime Physics

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