Anime

“Hey... people don't have cat ears! What gives?”

~ Person who doesn't watch anime on something that shows up disturbingly often in anime

“If the world were made up of blue haired girls with amnesia, girls would be way more fun.”

~ Morally confused child on Anime chicks

“It's law that at least one fat-guy with hairy legs must be dressed as sailor moon at every anime convention.”

~ Captain Obvious on Strange Government policies

History

File:Nobunaga.jpg

The creater of anime himself

A schoolgirl in its final form, preparing to kill an otaku and drink its spinal fluid.

Anime was slowly, but carefully invented in 1603 by a man named Oda Nobunaga, and soley consists of crudely drawn, spiky haired Japanese inhabitants.. Nobunaga was in the twilight of his life, and as his final act of retribution, he invented anime to stem the impending Mongol invasion of Japan. His style was distinctive, and each attribute that he created anime with was meant to cater to certain weaknesses of the Mongol army. For example, the eyes of anime people were intentionally made extremely large, thus tricking invaders into thinking they were in Europe rather than Asia. Disaster averted. Also, in anime, he created really gigantic monsters to destroy everything in their path while attributing their endless and often uneccessarily complex power to the magic of a certain order of elf. Fortunately, due to a rather large tidal wave caused by one of these rather large tentacle monsters, the Mongols all died and Anime had done its deed. But the saga was not to end there! Just when the end seemed near for anime, a Japanese fisherman who didn't wash himself properly was contaminated unknowingly. Anime jumped from one side of the Pacific to another! Wow! It infected the youth! Oh know no!

A new era where 16 year old white girls and boys alike tried incessantly to be Asian was born. Japan became a mecca of sorts, with people every day praying to Lords Goku and Inuyasha. Anime creatures were notoriously easy to transcribe for the common n00b. They also had the unique quality of bringing about the appearance to be of high quality art. Inasmuch as many teenage youths have brainwashed themselves into thinking they can draw and thus pollute the internet tubes with bad drawings on crappy fan art websites, the anime problem has become increasingly common. Victims of acute anime syndrome subsequently get an urge to congregate in hotels for days on end so they can hold gigglefests while watching Bleach and talk about how Byakuya is OMG SO HOT!!1!11 At this point, the disease is well entrenched, and has the potential to become chronic, but reports are in existence that say that inherently sane people can finally overcome the malaise.

Safe use of Anime

Like all imported goods, anime should be taken in moderation. When blended with other hobbies, like reading, going outside, and people, anime can be a safe, fun, even beneficial part of your everyday life. However, if you commit the sin of gluttony (which, by its nature, is deadly), you can die. Your body begins to reject anything non Japanese, which in turn leads you to eat nothing but sushi and anime, and then you get food poisoning (augmented by the cut ties to the outside world inherent in anime addiction). You must follow the rules outlined below if you have hope of survival:

1. Watch in moderation - one must remember that anime cartoons are not reality. Like all forms of entertainment involving a glowing box, you should never find yourself doing the same thing 18 hours straight. If you find yourself bordering on hour sixteen of the Anime Network's "Super Fantastic Ultra Special Happy Marathon of Awesomeness" then do the following:

• • Immediately throw the nearest potential projectile at the TV screen. Doing so will most likely do nothing except break your initial trance.
  • Stand up and walk out of the room. Tell mommy to turn off the TV and cancel your subscription to the propaganda network that is currently breeding in your living room.

1. Remain objective - anime in all forms is still anime nonetheless. It's got all the same burning action, angry run-on sentences, and l's replaced with r's that you've come to love. You mustn't ever find yourself hating licensed anime for its license. It's time to start hating it for its anime. Here's what you do:

• • Throw the nearest potential projectile at your TV. It's fun. It makes you laugh. Good.
  • Next, tear up all licensed anime you have in your home that you were saving for the comic burning you had planned for night 2 of the convention (see below for details on how to get out of the convention). You may tell yourself it's due to the license, but inside know it's not, in preparation for the following
  • Tear up the unlicensed anime you own.
  • Burn the bits of paper.
  • Burn the ashes.
  • Throw projectile at burnt ashes.

1. Be wary of merchandise - If you catch yourself perusing a Japanese website trying to find some Bleach memorabilia, please see your doctor. I, a mere mortal, cannot help.
2. Conventions - If you find yourself at an anime con, don't despair. True, in all likelihood there is no hope. You may have the urge to end it quickly, save yourself the pain. Don't. Do this:

• • Leave. If you need an excuse, tell the people you were granted an exclusive interview with the cast of Cowboy Bebop. They're too far-gone to realize that there's no such thing as it is animation.
  • If you find yourself unable to do this, I'm afraid you must kill yourself. I'm sorry.

Manufacturing process

Though originally drawn by hand, most modern anime is generated automatically by computer programs with little to no human intervention. Typically, the anime creation process begins with a title, which are generated by a random number algorithm that matches several random negative decimals with their cooresponding words. Consequently, most titles are comprised of words that have absolutely nothing to do with each other and make no sense when put together. Examples include Neon Genesis Evangelion (translation: Brightly Colored Creation Robotic Evangelist), Cowboy Bebop (translation: I'm sorry, I don't know what the hell a cowboy bebop is), Fullmetal Alchemist (this is one of the few that demonstrates mere redundancy [ie: Alchemists generally work only with full metal] as opposed to actual idiocy), Mobile Suit Gundam (translation: Giant Robot With Suit That Machanically Moves), Steel Angel Kurumi (this one baffles many, as angels are generally associated with things not at all related to steel. The inclusion of the main character's name in the title simply shows lack of originality, moving back to the random number generators), Primary Sunspot Manager Junichiro Koizumi Purple Monkey Dishwasher (....), Love Hina, and Tide).

A screenplay generator then uses the same random negative decimals from the title generator to select a subgenre. A sampling of the current subgenres in the vast anime machine follows:

• Revenge- Where main character gets revenge on <insert obscure family member or scientist of oddly obtuse study here> for killing/maiming/kidnapping/transliterating <insert close family member (often sister) here>.
• Love- Where unusually voluptuous female main character goes on various sexcapades documented in the comic, often graphically.
• Revenge Love- Where main character gets revenge on <insert obscure family member or scientist of oddly obtuse study here> for brainwashing <insert unusually voluptuous female here> into loving <obscure family member/obtuse scientist> instead of main character.
• Love Revenge- Where unusually voluptuous female main character goes on various sexcapades until she meets her match.

Often the storyline that is generated has nothing to do with the title or any of the words in it (for example, Primary Sunspot Manager Junichiro Koizumi Purple Monkey Dishwasher is a classic revenge tale).

Next, characters must be developed. As previously noted, female characters are often there to be unusually voluptuous and/or to be the primary McGuffin driving the protagonist. Often they have no character. Male anime characters must have the intellectual characteristics of celery and yet be able to recite various page-long incantations of the inherent "magic" of the comic at whim (an example of such incantations can be roughly translated as "Destroy Kill Don't Maim But Destroy Kill Bad Man of Bad Not Goodness of Death Who Shall Die Now!"). Specialized drawing and animation programs add artwork to the story, featuring hair colors not found in nature and large, glistening, creepy eyes the size of hubcaps. This gives the Asians a distinctly Anglo-Saxon look often not found in actual Asians (the original purpose). These elements, required by local, national, and UN law (the last of which is the least important), are Japan's attempt at "Americanizing" their culture.

Finally, the screenplay must be passed through a sophisticated sleaze program which adjusts the depravity level of the production to conform to industry standard requirements for sexual perversity. This is measured by the Dichter Scale, which is an exponential scale. Anime found to have a rating lower than 8 is considered not at all Japanese and must be increased before mainstream sale can occur. Anime that is exported to Western countries goes through an additional production step, wherein the voices are dubbed by English-speaking voice actors that are put through a screening process to weed out any sort of talent from the pool.

Subgenres of Anime

Hentai

Hentai is the most popular sub-genre of anime. It is essentially paper pr0n. Hentai is lovingly crafted by horny Japanese men, who have the ability to create characters that look like they're 5 yet are perfectly legal. (note, seeing as Japan is bat fuck insane, this might not be saying much, as the legal age could very possibly be 5. Sick bastards). At first, it seems like a godsend, with perfectly proportioned people doing perfectly proportioned things. But, like weed, you start using it more and more, and you will one day crash, waking up and finding yourself, genitalia in hand, beating off to a cartoon.

Lolicon

[ See Hentai, but younger ]

File:Robotech2.jpg

This is not the symbol of originality

Robots in Space

The Robots in Space subgenre is fairly common, encompassing such marvels of originality as Robotech, Xenosaga, and all 18,000 variants of Gundam. The clever storywriters in the Japanese studios realized that writing an original story was completely optional, and simply rehashing the same story over and over again with slightly redesigned characters and a few name changes would bring in enormous profit. For a similar phenomenon, see the Final Fantasy series.

This subgenre is unique in which there are no fictional devices at all. Everything depicted in the series has been invented and tested by Japanese scientists under Kyoto. The subgenre is marked by intense battle scenes involving mobile suits, spaceships, space stations, and mobile suits. The character layout usually has a military general, a cute rebel chick, and oddly emotional mobile suit pilots. Also, there is usually some guy with a mask. And the epaulette wearing slightly gay one because the robots usually have inter course with your mom after.

Innuendo

The innuendo subgenre was created to satisfy the market segment of lonely Japanese men, and through clever licensing, white teenagers. This subgenre encompasses such sophisticated titles as Love Hina and Chobits. These shows were specifically formulated to make as many sex-related plot points as it took to make every viewer shut off the television or computer monitor off every 30 seconds in embarassment, only to turn it back on and get turned on again. This cycle repeats, giving the series an artificially elongated and developed story. Shows in the subgenre usually contain ample amounts of humor, in an attempt to help viewers justify their awkward laughter when caught watching these shows by parents or sane friends.

File:Bleach-ichigo.jpg

Standard out-of-factory protagonist asshole

Samurai/Ninja

The Samurai/Ninja subgenre, including such intellectual blockbusters as Naruto and Bleach, are pretty much the same thing every time, but with a different name and weapons layout (like First-person shooters). These usually involve a man, a weapon, and some dark evil being. To save you time, all of these can be summarized in a paragraph:

Once upon a time, there was a person/thing whose lot in life is loneliness. He/she/it becomes entrenched in a battle between good and evil. He/she/it squares off against one enemy, who beats them. He/she/it trains with the force/magic in a montage/season-long story arc. He/she/it fights hordes of proletariat underlings to big enemy. He/she/it fights big enemy. He/she/it wins. The enemy delivers long-winded/heartfelt/piteous monologue before dying. Hero walks away. Enemy's eyes open to menacing music. End.

Monologue

The monologue subgenre, embodied by Dragonball Z, takes the last three sentences or so of the Samurai subgenre, and extends it for episodes on end. Often, one might find oneself wondering what the initial conversation was about, and, indeed, what the characters are fighting about in the first place. It is here that the following realizations hit the sane people who don't take anime: 1) The object/being/power/benevolence/malevolence/foodstuffs that is/are being fought for in this situation is a meaningless McGuffin, and 2) C-Span is, by comparison, riveting white knuckle action.

Examples of Anime

Naruto

Aww, they're fighting. BELIEVE IT!

Naruto is a popular anime series about a white kid with ADD, OCD, and every other mental disorder known to man (traits which are often shared with its fanbase), this white kid's name is Naruto (hence the title). There is also a talentless broad named Sakura who has an unbreakable crush on Sasuke, an emo kid who tries to act all mysterious and deep, but he's only a crybaby because his older brother slaughtered his family and killed everyone he ever held dear. ( He may cut with kunai while we're not looking. ) Tough shit. Like nearly every other anime in existence, through Naruto's stupid bumbling, he suddenly pulls out large quantities of awesome out of his ass and saves the day, only to look like a moron because of his obsession with ramen. In America, Naruto is known for his lovable catch-phrase, "Believe it!", which no one ever tires of. Ever.

Naruto, though looking like a fool, is somehow invincible. He has been referred to as "invinciperv" because the of his tendency of going into the girls change room looking like a girl. While in there, he is hit with everything from toilettes to fruit until he leaves. He then defaces the local Mount Rushmore ripoff so he can take away the pain. Throughout the series Naruto faces conflicting emotions with the demon fox inside him. This is perfectly common. An evil organization known as Akatsuki tries to capture those who picked them last during kickball. One such unfortunate being is Sasuke's brother Itachi, he is known to have mastered the ability of slaughtering your own family of super nerds.

Fullmetal Alchemist

Fullmetal Alchemist is about a fat emo midget named Edward and his brother Alphonse. One day, Al was baking a cake, but the incompetent loser forgot to preheat the oven, and was sucked in and killed. Ed, finding him trapped by ever expanding dough, drew a pretty picture on some armor, and Al became a communist robot. They then traveled the world searching for the Sorceror's Stone, to prevent the resurrection of Dark Lord Voldemort, only to discover that you have to be a homocidal goth named Sephiroth to resurrect the dead/perform alchemy on humans. The series is marked by painfully long monologues and loads and loads of emo crap. Although most FullMetal Alchemist fans won't admit it, they actually hate most of the episodes, and are just sitting through hours of pointless oration waiting the brief, mediocre scenes involving Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye, which the show is lauded for.

FLCL

(Stands for Fruit Loops Cause Liver problems.) Shinji Watanabe wondered how much crack he could possibly do in 24 hours. This anime was the result. Watanabe wrote, directed, and hand-drew every frame of this anime in sixteen seconds, before bursting into flames. Extended exposure to this particular series may cause a mixture of phleghm and pus to fire out of your eye sockets(or possibly your balls can fall out).

Tentacle High

EDITOR'S NOTE: Though confusing to foreigners, this show is understandable if one is aware of a vital aspect of Japanese society: Drugs are legal in Japan. It's not uncommon for people to spike each other's drinks as a way of breaking the ice. It's like a handshake, except you can do it multiple times, with all your friends helping.

The show's protagonist, Kisa-chan, is an elementary-schooler admitted to high school because of her prodigious IQ. Unfortunately, this causes jealousy on the part of some of the other students, who decide to pull a prank on her by summoning the Enola Gay to destroy the good times. However, intead of summoning the Enola Gay, they accidentally summon an African Giraffe, who is still in the midst of puberty and very, VERY high.

Hilarity ensues.

Fan-generated bull

AMVs

AMV is short for Autistic Monkey Video. AMVs are the byproduct of lack of productivity. Their natural habitat is YouTube, though they can also live in PCs, Macs, temperate forests, and in court rooms if the need arises. Nearly all AMVs contain randomly picked (within the whinge-rock genre) music and AMV creators often get in fistfights with music producers as a result. Sometimes these fistfights errupt into full fledged galactic wars that end with catacalysmic results.

Ancestry and descendents

This user monkey understands biological evolution and wishes to evangelise this fact.

See also

• Laws of Anime Physics
• Hentai
• Manga
• Japan
• School girls
• Jews

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